


Sidetracked

by phanimist



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, The Bachelorette - Freeform, tbh this is gonna be wild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-08-14 03:40:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 86,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7997266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanimist/pseuds/phanimist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on a prompt:</p><p>Dan and Phil are both contestants on 'The Bachelorette', but fall in love with each other instead of the girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn’t that Phil didn’t want to be here, but he totally didn’t want to be here.

After years of his family’s pressuring, his mother’s love for the show, and his inability to keep his tough under pressure, Phil had been pressured into applying for the show ‘The Bachelorette’ despite the fact that he didn’t think that he’d get considered, let alone picked for the role. Here he was, despite this fact, now in a limo on the way to the big house, ready to start filming. Despite the odds, Phil had been picked as one of the twenty five guys who would be fighting over a Bachelorette.

It would probably be some tall, curvy, blonde girl, and Phil had to admit that it wasn’t particularly his type. In fact, he wasn’t totally sure that girls were even his type at all, but he wasn’t gonna tell his family that. He wasn’t even sure yet, so why bring that up to his family when they’d suggested Phil apply for this stupid show?

Looking back, just minutes away from the house for filming, Phil began to wish that he’d just told his family that he probably _maybe_ didn't like girls as much. Negative outcome or not, he wouldn’t be being forced to show up to this damn show. He’d promised his family that he’d try to win, too. He could only hope that nerdy guys with dyed black hair weren’t the Bachelorette's type.

“Philip?” The man at the front of the car called. Phil was snapped out of his thoughts by the chauffeur turning to look back at him. He quickly turned to the tinted limo window to realize that he was here, and that the drive had been far too short for his liking.

“Thank you,” he mumbled as the door was opened for him from the outside. All too quickly he remembered to fake a bright smile as his eyes landed on the girl in front of him. She was a brunette with warm eyes, light blue dress brightening her features. Phil knew that her name was Jess. He’d heard about her beforehand, but hadn’t been too keen on looking into it further. As he walked up the pathway towards her, still pasting that smile onto his face, his heartbeat began to increase. He knew that there were a handful of cameras recording his every moment, and it was quite the feeling to get used to.

“Hi,” Jess drawled as Phil approached. Phil’s smile shrunk slightly, but he kept a friendly expression.

“Hey, you look amazing,” He complimented, going in for the hug like he’d seen other guys do on past seasons of the show. (His mother had actually told him to hug the girl. He wouldn’t have known to do it otherwise.)

“As do you.” She smiled, looking up at him. He could practically see her flirty undertones through her eyes, and it was making him want to withdraw into the house. He could already tell that this was not where he wanted to be right now, as lovely as Jess might be. “What’s your name?”

“Phil,” he replied quickly, smiling again and taking Jess’s hand. “It’s so _so_ great to meet you.”

“You too. Are you looking forward to the next little bit?” She asked, clearly trying to start somewhat of a conversation. Phil couldn’t tell if she was being genuine, or if she just wanted to make sure they got enough footage. He also had a feeling that the next few weeks were gonna end up being a lot like this moment right here.

“Of course. With you here, why wouldn’t I be?” Phil attempted to purr, and she laughed brightly.

“You’re so sweet,” she beamed, seeming to turn her body towards the door, Phil turning with her. He got the hint.

“I’ll see you inside?” He asked sweetly, squeezing Jess’s hand as he let go. She smiled back at him.

“Of course.”

With that, Phil turned without further goodbye, letting go of the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. A man just inside the door directed him down a hallway, and he could already hear the voices of the other guys. As he rounded the corner, he heard half the guys cry out a greeting, faces warm but formal.

“Ayy,” A guy closest to the door called, clapping Phil on the back. Phil nodded and smiled in greeting, not quite sure how any of this worked exactly. Soon enough, he was given a glass of wine, and he’d found himself sitting on a couch as the various other guys in the room either peered out the window, watching the others come in, or they sat on the couch drinking and conversing. Phil sat listening to the conversations, despite not really being a part of them.

“I watched her last season,” One of the guys nodded, drinking the remnants of his glass of wine in one sip. “Know her well. Real sweetheart.”

“Mm,” The second guy acknowledged, taking a sip as well to take a break from the dry conversation.

Phil already wasn’t having fun. Guy after guy had come in, the room now almost full, and Phil hadn’t started a conversation with anyone, nor did he want to. That was okay. He didn’t really think it would benefit nor hinder him.

“Here’s the last one,” One of the guys mumbled, gesturing to the front yard, watching as the final limo pulled up. A few other guys made their way to the window to watch casually, but Phil stayed seated, sloshing his drink around in the bottom of his glass. He heard the guys mumbling behind him, but didn’t bother to listen. He just wanted to go to bed, despite the fact that he knew the night was far from over.

“Hey man,” One of the guys called, greeting someone who’d just come into the room.

“Hey,” He replied, and his voice was so much softer than the others’ that it turned Phil’s head.

The brunette stood awkwardly just past the doorway with a forced smile that Phil recognized from his mood earlier. His warm eyes scanned the room with evident nervousness, clearly not knowing where to go or stand. The others began another conversation, something about how to catch a girl’s attention properly, but Phil’s eyes were still stuck on the newcomer. He just looked so out of place in all of this, and if anything it was that trait that drew him to Phil. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but where he was, and to that, Phil could relate.

A man with an earpiece soon came into the room to direct them outside to a porch ‘with alcohol’ (or so they were informed). Phil trailed at the back of the pack as the guys all filed out onto a patio, with a few couches. As they all sat, Phil glanced around. The mansion’s garden was lit up, lights bouncing off of the leaves and giving it an ethereal glow. It was rather pretty, and it did set the mood. Rather, it _would_ set the mood if Phil welcomed that.

The brunette sat across from Phil. He tried not to stare.

The men all started to talk about Jess. Her eyes, her dress, her laugh, her personality, their undeserving of her; it all seemed very cliche to Phil. He couldn’t help but notice that the brunette wasn’t joining into the conversation. Once, when he looked up, they locked eyes for a moment or two. Phil was the first to break the shared gaze, but he did feel the chestnut eyes on him multiple times in the next few minutes. He was beginning to wonder if they had begun to discover their mutual unwilling to be here.

When Jess walked onto the patio, smiling and waving, all of the guys stood up to welcome her with grins. Phil forced one onto his face, but let the others do the calling out and grand gestures to catch attention.

Jess begins a spiel about love, wanting to find love, and the adventure they were about to start, and Phil knew that he really should be listening. His mind was elsewhere though, and he really couldn’t find it in him to care all too much.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first impressions rose has arrived, and at first Phil doesn't think he cares too much about who does or doesn't get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihihi back already? i know i know but you guys were so positive about the first chapter that i hAd to write more, so i have returned. this is evidence that if you harass me for more, i will 100% give you more. 
> 
> (sidenote: if you don't understand anything about how The Bachelorette works, please ask me because i'd be more than happy to explain. i'm trying my very best to explain everything, but some things may slip my mind, and i'd like to clarify if needed. let me know! hope you like it!)

 

Being surrounded by so much masculinity got to be a little overwhelming, and Phil had maybe been here for an hour. All the guys just seemed so confident, and their undertones and competitive traits were starting to show after the little bit of ingested alcohol. Phil was nervous, understandably, as Jess stood in front of them. At least no one seemed to be paying any mind to him, as all eyes were on the girl. All pairs of eyes but one. 

Phil had continuously felt the brunette’s eyes on him tonight, even after Jess had showed up. She’d been talking to all twenty five of the guys for quite awhile now, but Phil could still feel a few lingering gazes on him.

“I think I might have to steal you away on just the first evening,” One of the guys began, speaking to Jess as he started inching forwards.

“Heheyhey,” Another one chastised jokingly from behind, holding the other guy back. Jess laughed. 

“Oh Derek,” she chuckled, rolling her eyes. Phil quirked an eyebrow. She already knew his name, so he must be one of the extravagant ones who had really caught her attention. 

Phil knew very little about this show, but he did know that some guys were going to stop at nothing to get this girl. His hunch was that Derek was one of those guys. 

“ _ Somebody _ was bound to be _ that  _ guy,” Another one sighed from behind, shooting a smile at Jess when she'd given him with an amused look. 

“Just glad it wasn’t me, even with the alcohol!” Someone beside Phil joked, and everyone looked to him with a chuckle. Everyone eventually diverted their attention back to Jess, who had begun talking once more, all except for the brunette. He was looking at Phil.

This time, Phil locked eyes with him, wordlessly calling him out for the staring. Neither of their gazes held any sort of intimidation, more of just a wordless understanding. His chestnut eyes showed an inkling of an oncoming smile as he visibly sighed exasperatedly, and Phil had to noiselessly chuckle, shaking his head slightly as he turned to look back at Jess. He just barely caught the end of her sentence. “-And I want you guys to all have fun, okay? Enjoy yourselves.”  

“Cheers,” said someone in the group, everyone raising their glasses. The brunette caught Phil’s eyes across the table, and raised the glass pointedly in his direction. Phil mimicked, both of them sharing a small smile as others repeated the phrase around them.

“Cheers,” Phil heard him mumble across the group.

“Cheers.” He echoed. 

  
  


It wasn’t long before one of the more muscular guys had swept Jess away to a bench in the yard, leaving the others to mumble about who  _ that _ douchebag would be. According to them, there was always that  _ one guy _ who would whisk the girl away before anyone else could even think about it. At least they’d gotten that revelation out of the way. The men all began to disperse around the large yard, Phil not knowing where exactly he should go. It was then that he felt a presence shift at his side, and he turned to meet the warm eyes that he’d seen so many times already tonight.

“And to think we haven’t even been here for two hours,” He sighed next to Phil, finishing the last of his drink. Phil shrugged. 

“It can only go up from here,” He mumbled, breaking his gaze from the other’s face, eyes moving to scan the yard. People had begun to clump together into small groups, still drinking and glancing over at Jess at every chance they could. Phil wondered if they were still bitching about the guy who’d stolen her at the first possible chance. 

“I’m Dan,” The brunette, who now had a name, spoke up after minimal silence. Phil turned to him, nodding. They met eyes again.

“Phil.” He followed, inclining his head. Dan gave him a small smile.

“I couldn’t help but pick up that you’re a little wary to be here.” Dan mumbled, leaning against the banister where they were standing. Phil let out a sigh.

“I couldn’t make up my mind this early into the whole ordeal, but-” Phil cut himself off, glancing around. “This really isn’t my scene.”

“I get where you’re coming from,” Dan chuckled. “Twenty guys who are the epitome of masculinity is a lot to handle all at once, considering I’m anything but burly.” Phil looked him over once, wanting to quietly disagree. Dan, objectively, was obviously eons more attractive than he gave himself credit. Anyone here could have told him that. He brushed the thought away. Dan’s self esteem was not a concern of his at the moment.

“I don’t even know how to approach this whole thing,” Phil sighed. “I don’t know how to talk to her, or how to talk to the others around here, not that talking to most of the other guys is really needed in this.” 

“Consider talking to me a first step then,” Dan suggested, nudging Phil as a cameraman left the other group and began to come over in stride to them, pointing the lens in their direction. Dan sighed, turning back to Phil, obviously trying to look natural. “It’s a learn as we go kind of thing. We just have to pick up on the game, and start playing. Falling into a rhythm is the first step.”

Phil nodded.

“Just have to adjust. I suppose the alcohol is helping.” He jokes, gesturing to his half empty glass. “I’m not typically a drinker at all.”

“Maybe you’re catching the standard behavior for masculinity like the flu,” Dan joked, nudging Phil jokingly. He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Right.”

Suddenly, Dan’s eyes shifted from Phil’s to behind him, and Phil immediately turned to follow his gaze. As he did so, he felt a hand settle onto his upper arm, and was met immediately with Jess’s warm and welcoming eyes. He smiled reflexively, and felt Dan step up beside him.

“How are the two of you?” She asked sweetly. Phil looked to Dan, who was practically beaming at her.

“We’re good, great.” He smiled. Phil nodded, and Jess let her gaze slip to him. 

“Could I possibly whisk you away for a moment?” She asked sultrily, lowering her gaze on his. “I’d love to get to know all of the wonderful men here tonight, and you look like a  _ wonderful  _ place to start.”

“Of course,” Phil smiled. Jess turned to Dan.

“I’ll come seeking you out after,” She smiled, winking lightly at him. Dan smiled graciously at Jess, and then at Phil, who nodded once.

“We’ll talk later,” Phil laughed, pointing slightly in Dan’s direction. He chuckled.

“Will do.”

 

Phil felt Jess’s nimble fingers wrap around his forearm as they began to walk around to the back of the house. “The two of you seemed to hit it off as friends back there,” said Jess, looking up at Phil with bright eyes. “How was that?”

“I figured having a friend or two around here wouldn’t hurt me,” Phil smiled. “After all, you did tell us to come here not just to-” Phil paused. “Spend every hour of every day hounding you for a few weeks, but to have a good time while we’re here, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jess smiled, looking like the answer genuinely pleased her. Phil looked back at her, taking in all of her features. She  _ was _ pretty. Her hair fell in perfectly constructed curls around her shoulders, and she had the faint powdering of freckles dotted along the bridge of her nose, ones that Phil could barely see beneath the makeup. “Tell me about you.”

“I-uh,” Phil started, immediately stammering. 

“Stop being so nervous,” Jess swatted playfully at his shoulder. “It’s just me.”

“I know,” Phil laughed hesitantly. “I’m a big fan of movies, and I work in the video production aspect of things.” 

“That’s cool!” Jess replied, seating them both down on the couch to the left of the mansion. “I’ve never been particularly good with computers, so maybe you could help me.”

“That’s always a bonus to my company,” Phil joked back, and Jess laughed avidly. He couldn’t deny that the conversations he had had with her so far weren’t unpleasant, but he still felt like there was a puzzle piece out of line. Something didn’t quite fit. Phil decided that he’d figure it out eventually though. He did like Jess, a lot, for that matter, and maybe this whole thing wouldn’t be such a train wreck after all. She seemed into him, and that was the most attention he’d gotten from a girl in years. This might work.

  
  


Phil quickly spotted Dan after his continued conversation with Jess. The two had gone back and forth a few times, the topics flowing naturally, but eventually they’d both segmented into a finished dialogue exchange. Phil’s nerves had definitely eased slightly, and Jess had looked comfortable with him too. 

As Phil joined a group of guys huddles around in the garden, Dan being one of them, he was immediately asked subtly about the exchange.

“Sooo,” A guy, Derek whom he recognized from earlier, began. He’d been the one to approach Jess first. “Isn’t she amazing?” Phil nodded with a smile.

“Absolutely,” He replied, nodding a head. Derek immediately threw his hands up in defense, apparently looking to continue.

“Too bad you gents are gonna have to hand her over to me,” He smirked, brushing his shoulders off in what came across as a cocky way. Everyone rolled their eyes, including Dan.

“You need more alcohol in you,” A blonde piped up. “You’ve been like this all night. Ease up bud.” He patted Derek lightly on the shoulder, and Phil watched as Derek waved him off.

“Someone’s gotta show some confidence around here. You all look like you’re about to pass out.” He retorted. Phil’s eyes shifted to Dan as the brunette scoffed softly. He met Phil’s eyes for what felt like the thousandth time that night, and the two shared a wordless laugh in their gazes.  
  
  


“So fellas,” the host piped up, wandering into the room with a platter balanced in the palm of his hand. He placed it on the table, all eyes trained on the flower resting in the centre of it. “The first impression rose.” He announces. Everyone seems to collectively let out a nervous sigh, running hands lightly through gelled hair, and Phil doesn’t quite see the nerves laced in the whole ordeal. 

The first impression rose meant that you were safe from this week’s elimination round. Jess would chose one of the men she’d conversed with tonight to give it to, and Phil could only hope that it wouldn’t be Derek, the one who seemed to be the most cocky, for the sake of his ego.

As the night had gone on, everyone’s attitudes at the house had shifted. Even the more easy going and friendly ones that Phil had stumbled into tonight were starting to get antsy. He could hear the bickering between guys, fighting over time with Jess, and he could see them all lurking wherever she was. He found the whole ordeal exhausting.

Phil hadn’t even begun to try seeking Jess out. One of the more forceful and confident guys here were certain to bump him aside without a second glance, at it wasn’t like he was too invested. Jess had a lot going on tonight.

Some of the guys had gotten drunk, too, and things were just getting weird out there.

 

Phil’d been conversing with Dan for most of the night as groups banded and disbanded. He’d gone to seek Jess out twice, successfully, but he didn’t seem too nervous, nor caught up about it. 

“I always wondered if people actually stayed in this house, or if this was where people filmed.” said Dan. They were sitting on the couch in the living room, the other guys still wandering around outside and in the halls, all tracking Jess probably. Dan and Phil had left to take a break from all of that.

“That would give me more of a Bachelorette meets Big Brother vibe with everyone being roommates.” Phil replied, Dan laughing lightly. Phil had quickly decided that he liked talking to Dan. Where all his other conversations had been about solely Jess, competitive undertones always lurking, none of his with Dan had been about the girl. They had been about shared interests, little quirks, maybe a story here and there. It was comfortable, Phil realized, and having a friend around here certainly wouldn’t hurt.

That was, if he didn’t get eliminated tonight. Or if Dan didn’t get eliminated. There was a rose ceremony later, after all, and Phil had only spoken to Jess once. He was definitely at risk. If he went home today, though, there would be absolutely no harm. He’d tried, and that was all his family had asked of him. 

“Oh shit, Phil-” Phil’s train of thought was cut off by Dan mumbling under his breath, eyes once again trained over his shoulder. The other few guys in the room had turned their heads too, as Jess had appeared, and she had the first impression rose in her hand.

“You two seem to be becoming _really_ fast friends,” she smiled at Dan and Phil, moving to sit on the edge of the couch beside them despite the tight dress. Dan shifted to look up at her properly, and Phil shot her a big smile.

“How’ve you been enjoying the night?” Dan asked genuinely, placing a hand on Jess’s knee. She covered his hand with her own, and Phil didn’t even try to intervene. He wasn’t that kind of guy, despite the fact that watching Dan make that gesture felt really off. 

“It’s had its ups and downs,” Jess nods, eyes still locked on Dan. She pauses. “Mind if I- maybe steal you for a bit?”

Everyone in the room came to the realization that this meant the rose was going to Dan, and Phil could practically feel the settling wave of disappointment shift around the room.

“Not at all,” Dan smiled, lifting himself from the couch with a smile. “Where are we off to?”

“Walk with me.” Jess beamed, lacing her arm with Dan’s as she walked out of the room. As soon as they were out of sight, Phil tore his eyes away along with the other men in the room. They all sighed, evidently disappointed. 

“That stings.” A blonde mumbled. Another made a noise of agreement. 

“I really thought I had that first impressions rose, too,” A brunette added, gaze shifting to Phil. “Did he say anything about what the two of them did? What they talked about?” He asked. Phil’s gaze widened slightly at the confrontation.

“No, nothing.”

“So he’s playing behind backs, then.” The guy mumbled. Phil felt compelled to defend Dan; this guy was just another one taking the game way too seriously. Then again, he could be right. Dan could just be tagging along without any regard for Phil. He really wasn’t sure yet, as it was only night one, and he could very well be eliminated too. 

“We’ll wait and see,” Phil mumbled, leaning back on the couch.

“That first impression rose being off of the table does change things slightly, though.” 

“Yeah,” said Phil. 

The fact that Dan had been the one guy out of all twenty five of them to get a rose made Phil feel an unsettling beat in his chest, something he couldn’t quite pinpoint. Today had been an incredibly weird day, going from a nervous limo ride, to meeting Jess, to being thrown into a house with so many other guys that he couldn’t even be bothered to attempt names, all the chiseled jaws and muscular builds blending together. The only person he’d made any attempts to talk to was now way ahead in the game than any of them, and Phil wasn’t sure how to feel about it. 

All he knew was that, for some reason, he felt like he would be disappointed if he went home tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the first Rose Ceremony, and despite the fact that Phil didn't even want to be here in the first place, he doesn't want to be eliminated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! two things before we get the ball rolling here.
> 
> 1) thanks to all of your lovely comments, i have found enough motivation to bring another 2000 words to your attention. i've been playing soccer literally all day and my whole body aches and i haven't been this tired in a while but i'm glad that i was able to get this up for you :) 
> 
> 2) psa; daily updates probably won't be a thing. i'm just trying to get the ball rolling on the whole 'plot' thing, as this story is obviously gonna need some proper plot eventually (read: soon). longer chapters will probably start to appear as soon as we get an actual story line going.
> 
> hope you like this chapter! let me know!

The moment people noticed that Jess was gone, people started coming into the main living room area, knowing that this was where most people would be meeting up when they inevitably lost their sense of purpose, not being able to pin after the girl. That was when the real shit talking started, Phil realized, as people immediately began to discuss what had just happened.

“He seemed like he was hiding behind himself,” Derek mused, waving a hand dismissively as he drank from yet another glass of wine. “I’m telling you, that little shit know’s exactly what he’s doing, and it isn’t genuine.”

“I don’t know-” Phil is quickly cut off by two or three much louder and more forceful guys, and immediately stops.

“He’s definitely hiding something.”

“It’s the first rose, guys, none of us are being sent home yet.”

“Yeah, I’m only a little bit pissed that the kid with the girly haircut got picked over decent guys like me and you.” He mumbled, sloshing his drink in his glass.

Phil kept quiet. He knew he should say something, really wanted to say something, and yet he kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to be the centre of everyone’s attacks, despite his want to defend Dan as well.

He didn’t even know Dan, and for crying out loud they could be _right_ , but Phil didn’t feel like they were. He’d properly talked to Dan, and he’d known right from the get go how great of a guy he was. He didn’t seem fake, didn’t seem like he was trying too hard; He was just being Dan.

That’s the vibe he got, anyway. He didn’t know if it was true or not.

After a few more minutes of roasting Dan, Phil staying strategically quiet, Dan and Jess came back into the room, Dan now with the rose pinned onto his suit jacket. Jess let go of his arm as they rounded the door frame, and all of the guys in the room shot them obviously fake smiles. Dan moved a hand from the small of Jess’s back as he retracted from her, moving to sit on the couch beside Phil where there’d been an open spot. Phil could see Derek glaring at him from out of the corner of his eye.

As soon as Dan had sat down, and Jess had just begun a conversation with another group of guys on the other side of the room, the host of the show came in to alert Jess of the rose ceremony. She left with a sweet goodbye, spieling on about how she really did enjoy her night, and left the room promptly to pick who she was eliminating. As soon as she was gone, Dan got a rather aggressive clap on the back.

“Nice catch, man.” Someone mumbled. Phil had a feeling his name might be Josh, but he wasn’t sure in the  slightest.

“Thanks,” replied Dan, shooting a wary smile up at the guy possibly named Josh. Possibly Named Josh turned to start a conversation with someone behind him, and Dan let out a genuine exhale of nervous breath, shifting slightly to Phil.

“Literally everyone here is scary.” Dan muttered. Phil chuckled.

“Even me? Because that’s a stretch.”

“No, you’re probably the only person here who couldn’t make me cry if they tried.”

“I can be mean!” Phil joked, fake glaring. Dan rolled his eyes.

“I feel like your personality’s too adorable to ever be mean to someone. You just seem so…. bright.” Dan replied. Phil smiled slightly.

“Glad to know that I come across that way.”

Dan smiled at him before something across the room clearly caught his eye. Phil turned to follow his gaze, and noticed a few guys turning and looking at Dan across the room, as if skeptical. Dan furrowed his eyebrows. “What’s their problem?”

“Hate to put the weight on your shoulders, but everyone was talking shit when they found out that you got the rose.” Phil replied. Dan chuckled nervously.

“Fuck,” He laughed. “Okay.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I didn’t talk shit, obviously, but I will tell you that Derek did say that he didn’t like your hair.” Dan genuinely laughed at that, glancing across the room to the intimidating figure drinking from his glass yet again.

“Well, I don’t like his hair either.” Dan retorted. Phil chuckled.   


 

When the guys were all called into the room for the rose ceremony, standing all in a line, Phil wished that the moment would never come. He was feeling nervous about an event he wasn’t even sure about yet. He didn’t know which outcome would benefit him more at this point, but he was starting to realize that he was open for the experience. He wanted to see where it would take him.

Dan was somewhere behind him. Phil wasn’t bothering to look around. The atmosphere in the room was thick with nervousness, Dan being the only one who didn’t need to stress as he had already gotten a rose earlier into the night.

When Jess finally came out, sad smile on her face, Phil swore he could hear the heartbeat of the guy next to him.

“Hi guys,” She drawled, stepping forwards beside the huge plate of roses that were set on the table. “I hope you all had the best evening, as I know I did, but unfortunately it’s come to my least favourite part of the night. As much as it hurts my heart, some of you are going home, and I don’t want you to take it personally because you’re all wonderful guys with wonderful hearts, okay?” Phil felt himself give a small smile. The girl was incredibly sweet, and he could feel that she meant what she said.

Jess picked the first rose up, twirling it around in her hands nervously as her eyes scanned the group. She landed on someone to Phil’s left. “Jason.” She smiled.

The guy who was presumably Jason stepped forwards with a grin. Phil saw the two of them exchange maybe three or four words before Jason was stepping back into line, this time with a rose on his suit.

By the fifth rose, Phil was beginning to feel really nervous.

“Derek.” said Jess, and Phil felt himself deflate just a little more. The household asshole stayed, he supposed. If he went home tonight, at least he’d never have to endure another conversation of his.

“Luke.” Another guy stepped forward, and Phil tried to calm his shaking hands.

“Phil.” She called, and Phil almost didn’t hear her. A smile immediately sprang to his face as he stepped forward, Jess beaming at him as he walked up. “Your smile is contagious.” Phil smiled more. “Do you accept this rose?”

“Of course.” Phil replied kindly, nodding at Jess before returning to the line of guys. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. As he walked back, he made eye contact with Dan. Dan shot him the smallest of smiles, as if saying congrats, and Phil reciprocated. He was genuinely happy to be staying. He didn’t pay the slightest bit of attention to the rest of the names being called. He was too far in thought.

What would his mom commentate had she been watching? What did Jess see in him? He didn’t particularly have answers at the moment, but at least now he had a shot at moving forwards.

Eight or so guys ended up going home. Phil was glad that he wasn’t one of them.  


 

Once those eliminated had cleared out, everyone remaining was given a brief update on how this was gonna go down. The mansion they were staying in was huge. They each got their own room in the same hall, where their suitcases had been brought, and meals would be provided throughout the day. The rooms had no cameras, to make sure there was privacy, but trying to bring Jess to a private room wasn’t allowed, for obvious reasons.

Tomorrow, they were going to be given the First Day card, which would tell them about what their week would consist of. For now though, they were told that they were free to find their rooms. Each room had a name label, so to help them not to get lost, and they were allowed the rest of the night to themselves to rest up for tomorrow. Phil was more than happy.

Everyone seemed to head up immediately, and Phil found himself at the back of the pack. He began shuffling behind them, everyone conversing about how relieved they felt, and Phil began mindlessly trialing them with his eyes down by their heels. He really didn’t feel like he fit in here.

Luckily, moments later, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to be met with Dan’s smiling face. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“So I guess we get at _least_ a week more of each other’s company.” Dan joked, nudging Phil’s shoulder. Phil laughed.

“Unfortunately. You’re already unbearable.” He replied.

“Wow.” Dan mocked, rolling his eyes.

Phil laughed at Dan’s retort, shaking his head slightly. “Nah, this should be fun.”

By now they’d reached the main hallway with all of their rooms. Phil quickly realized that it was all in alphabetical order. Dan’s door was the second down, only behind a guy named Aidan. They were stopped right beside Dan’s door.

“About that, I do want this to be fun,” Dan started, leaning casually against the wall outside his door. “And seeing as we’re both vastly outnumbered in terms of aggressive masculinity, I vote we make useful allies out of each other.”

Phil smiled gratefully. He’d be really glad to have someone like Dan on his side, especially since he knew now that none of these guys were afraid to shit talk.

“I agree.”

“I mean, like, despite the fact that we’re here for Jess, I really don’t want that to be a thing that makes us stab each other in the back, you know? I don't want that to be the thing we argue over and everything like that.” Dan asked. Phil nodded.

"I don't think we'd ever get to that point. You seem like a pretty grounded guy." Phil replied seriously. Dan nodded.

"Good," He smiled. "I'm actually really glad we got that sorted. I knew I'd want someone like you around through this, I just didn't want Jess to be the thing that got in the way of that. We could both use some trust after seeing how defensive and competitive those other guys are."

“I won’t talk shit behind your back, I can promise you that, and I’ll trust you if you trust me.” Phil replied. Dan chuckled.

“Alright." he replied, laughing slightly. "You know, I don’t think you have the 'talking shit' trait in you at all,” Dan joked. “I can already tell that you’re probably the nicest guy here.”

“You’d easily be a close second, in that case.” Phil quipped back, Dan laughing.

“Right."

“So no pettiness about sharing / competing for Jess?” Dan concluded questioningly, arching an eyebrow. Phil shook his head.

“None whatsoever.” He replied. Dan raised a hand, and they shook on it. Phil had to laugh at that.

“That was the most manly thing we’ve done all night.” He joked. Dan laughed.

“That says quite a lot.”

“It’ll be good to have someone around through this,” Phil continued, dragging their conversation on some more. “I had a feeling that this house was gonna get pretty lonely pretty quick with just Jess to talk to, seeing as she’s frequently occupied by every guy here.”

“Yeah.” Dan sighed. “Finding a friend in you wouldn’t hurt either of us one bit.”

“I’ll hold you to that. No backstabbing.” Phil pointed at Dan in mock confrontation, and Dan raised his hands in mock surrender.

“Wouldn’t dream of it. We’re in this together.” He replied, setting a hand on the doorknob. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”

“You got it.” Phil nodded. With that, Dan retreated into his room, and Phil felt slightly more at ease about the whole situation. Having Dan on his side definitely relaxed him a little. The prospect of fighting over one girl with a household of other guys had never been something he’d wanted to do, but after that last conversation, Phil could sense that it might not be as bad as he thought it would.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first group date is today, and Dan and Phil get put in the same group. Wanting to see who was good in the kitchen, Jess has arranged the date's theme around cooking, but Dan is possibly the worst chef in the world. Fortunately, Phil helps him out right from the get-go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! 
> 
> this update is definitely longer than the other ones that i've put up so far, and good news! that means that this fic is now above 10k words! nice, nice. thank you all for the very very kind words. i appreciate each and every single one, and i hope you appreciate this chapter ft. lasagna. sorry if it makes anyone hungry, because after writing this i rEALLy want lasagna.

The next morning, Phil was woken up much earlier than he would have liked to have been. It took him a moment to remember where he was and why he was here, and the smallest, inkling of dread overcame him. It only took him a few seconds to brush it away. He had to remind himself that this whole experience would be good for him.

Phil, finally dressed and ready for the day after about half an hour, began to head down to the main lounge where they’d all been instructed to go for the day to start. Today, they were all allowed to dress casually, too, suits and ties from last night totally forgotten.

As Phil made his way down the hallway, he passed Dan’s door. He contemplated knocking to see if the other was awake, thinking that maybe they could head down together, but he decided against it, continuing on his way downstairs. Entering the lounge, he immediately noticed that some of the tension from last night had fled from the room. Guys were all sitting around the couches, conversing lightly. Phil joined them with a smile, and was actually included in casual conversation this time around.

“The group dates this week won't be awful. I mean, we all just want to be around her,” said someone Phil was almost certain was named Jason. “It’s like clinging to every conversation you can get, you know?”

A chorus of ‘mhm’s and ‘yeah’s lightly filled the room, Phil nodding gently. He actually found himself not clinging to all of the conversations he would or wouldn’t have with Jess. Actually, he had barely even thought about her since he’d woken up, as if forgetting why he’d even come.

Dan came into the room five minutes before he had to be, looking slightly tired like he hadn’t slept well. He immediately searched for and met Phil’s gaze across the room before sitting next to him, when the others noticed his presence.

“Ay,” one of them chimed, reaching across the couch to clasp Dan on the shoulder. “Busy night for you last night? After getting on Jess’s good side so easily?” He teased. Phil rolled his eyes, knowing what he was inferring. Dan shot him a playful glare before shaking his head, laughing it off.

“No, just the nerves. None of us deserve someone as sweet as Jess, to be honest.”

Another chorus of agreement rose from the guys around the room, all of them breaking off into separate, quiet conversations. Phil turned to Dan.

“You look tired.”

“Nerves.” Dan replied with a sigh, averting his gaze to the floor. He shrugged. “A lot happening at once.”

“Yeah,” Phil replied. As he watched Dan trace the floorboards with his eyes, he took in the ever so slightly present dark circles under his eyes, making him worry slightly. He hadn’t been worried about this whole competition at all. He didn’t understand why all of the other guys were so stressed. He also didn’t understand why he wasn’t.

Phil also noticed a few freckles dotting along Dan’s nose, chestnut eyes unfocused as he seemingly stared off into space, and noticed the furrow in his brow. He looked uneasy, like he was overthinking literally everything possible. Phil nudged his shoulder. “You good?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Dan shook his head, offering a small smile. “It’s just- yeah.”

“We're Team Anti-Aggressive-Masculinity, right?” Phil pressed, lowering his voice slightly. “If you’ve got something that’s really worrying you too much you can let me know.” Dan smiled, laughing quickly and quietly.

“Alright,” he chuckled. “I’m glad. It’s nothing though, not this time around. Like I said, I’m just a bundle of nerves today.”

“Don’t be.” Phil encouraged.

“Easier said than done, Phil.” Dan rolled his eyes. “Not all of us are as cool and collected as you.”

“Who said I was cool and collected? Maybe I’m actually freaking out on the inside.” Phil retorted. He wasn’t actually freaking out at all, but he figured that the possibility of him doing so might ease Dan slightly. He scoffed, opening his mouth to reply, before the show’s host entered the room, card in hand. Phil had yet to learn his name. The other guys in the room all turned to face him, eager to hear what news he’d bring. Phil merely sighed to himself, wanting to finish his conversation with Dan instead.

“The first date card,” The host, Phil really should be learning his name, announced. “This week, you guys will all be given two group dates with Jess, and one individual one. Roses will be up for grabs all week, but if you do _not_ receive a rose by your individual date you will be going home immediately. Have your bags packed just in case.”

Phil gulped at that. The nerves would surely kill him if he didn’t get a rose before his individual date. He’d probably be shaking solely out of the anticipation when he had one-on-one time with Jess.

“Before I get going, I’ll leave the first day card with you.” A few guys clapped and cheered excitedly, but Phil saw Dan turn to him nervously. Phil shot him what he hoped was an encouraging smile. The host (maybe his name was Chris?) placed the card on the table. “Enjoy your week, and I hope to see you all at the next rose ceremony.”

Phil watched as he left the room, multiple guys with cameras following him out. _Oh yeah,_ Phil remembered. They were constantly being filmed. He’d almost forgotten.

“Alright, group date time.” Derek announced confidently, grabbing the card and opening it to read. “Luke. Phil. Justin. Aidan. Charlie. Dan. ‘Let’s get this week cookin'. Love, Jess.’”

“Alright,” Clapped one of the blonde guys. “Date one.” He rubbed his hands together enthusiastically.

“I've seen the first group date before on the show,” Dan mumbled, leaning into Phil as not to speak to everyone. “It’s usually a pun of sorts.”

“Great.” Phil mumbled. “Cooking, then?”

Just then, a loud crash came from down the hall, followed by a very feminine yelp. Phil could tell that it was forced, therefore scripted. Meaning that it was Jess. Everyone immediately rose, taking the clue easily, and made their way enthusiastically down the hallway. Dan was one of the people at the head of the group, and Phil made an effort to stick close to him despite the crowding of people.

As they all rounded the corner into the kitchen, a grin fell on Phil’s face. Jess stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by pots and pans of all shapes and sizes, one of which had been full of pasta. ‘Had been’ were the keywords, as the bowl had emptied its contents onto the floor, and Jess was laughing to herself. “So, I’m not the best of cooks.” She began, gesturing to the pasta. The others laughed, including Phil. He glanced around to look for Dan, and found him beaming at Jess two people over. “In my opinion, when looking for a partner we should all be willing to try new things, yeah?” Agreements rose from all the guys present. “I’m willing to if you are.” She smiled. “Should we get going?”

More chimes of agreement came from everyone who’d been invited to the group date as Jess gestured for them to follow her out of the room, leaving those not invited behind as they bid farewell. They’d get a day to themselves around the mansion, presumably just lounging around or working out or snorting protein powder or whatever stereotypically manly guys do. Phil was glad that he’d at least have Dan in this group.

As if he could hear Phil’s gratefulness, Dan searched the small group of guys before finding Phil among them, dropping back to walk with him. “I really can’t cook.” He mumbled. “Like, it’s bad.” Phil laughed.

“I’ll help you.” He chuckled. Everyone headed outside, led by Jess, and reached what looked to be a rather large food truck.

“Since I certainly can’t lead a class on cooking, I figured we might want to head to someone who could. They sent us this as a method of transportation, and the driver said that there’s no stealing any food in the back of the truck on the way there, so don’t even think about it.” She joked, pointing fingers mockingly into the group. Some of them held their hands up in mock surrender, laughing along. Phil chuckled. “Let’s get going, shall we?”

The back doors of the truck were open, and people were starting to pile in. They lifted themselves up with ease, one of the guys urging Jess over in order to give her a hand getting up. She accepted gracefully. Dan hopped into the truck ahead of Phil, and turned to wait for him. Phil pulled a leg up, immediately bobbling. With no sense of balance, he knew he’d be certain to fall, but Dan had already reached forward, helping to steady him quickly. He was laughing, too, Phil realized upon looking up.

“Need help?” Dan joked, hand outstretched and gripping Phil’s arm. Phil raised his eyebrows with a smile, and Dan effortlessly helped to pull him up.

“Thanks.” Phil mumbled. “I’m the clumsiest person you’ll ever meet.”

“It’s endearing.” Dan replied. They were the last two to join the group in the back of the large food truck, but it appeared that they hadn’t missed anything as everyone settled down for a hopefully short ride to their destination.  


 

“Alright gentlemen, listen up.”

Dan, Phil, and the rest of the guys were all lined up across a counter full of various cooking stations, each of them getting their own. Dan was directly to Phil’s right, and was rather nervous. The whole way to this kitchen they’d been talking about all his cooking disasters, Phil not being able to help breaking down into laughter every few seconds. It hadn’t been what Dan needed to stop worrying so much, but it did lighten the mood a little.

They’d all been given a chef’s hat and an apron, to which Jess had called them all ‘sexy’ which had made Phil cringe a little. It just seemed odd to pair that word with an ugly white hat, but he wasn’t going to voice his concerns out loud.

“You’re each going to follow along with what I show in my upcoming demonstration. We’re going to be making a classic lasagna, Jess’s favourite food. When done, Jess and myself will test and discuss your creations. The person with the best lasagna will win some extra one on one time with Jess herself. Am I understood?” Everyone nodded, some chiming in with a ‘sir yes sir’ as a joke, to which Jess laughed. Dan rolled his eyes instead, and that made Phil laugh.

The man in front of them began to fill a pot with water, setting it to boil. Phil followed his motions easily, noticing how Dan’s eyes were glued to the guy in front of them, attempting to copy his movements exactly instead of just setting off to boil the water. “Dan. It’s just boiling water.”

“I’m telling you, I don’t cook. At all.” Dan hissed, finally igniting the element to boil the water. By now, the man in front of them had already started to brown the ground beef, which Phil began doing himself. Dan managed to get this step done, but didn’t quite know when to stir it around. Phil sighed, eyeing the man in front of them to make sure he wasn’t starting a new step before taking Dan’s pan and shaking it a little, letting the meat naturally roll around.

“Do that every thirty seconds or so as you follow everything else he does.” Phil whispered, setting Dan’s pan back down to tend to another pan full of vegetables that the chef had started. He knew Dan was watching him closely and mocking what he did, but Phil obviously didn’t mind.

Phil shook his ground beef around, noticing that it was all brown as he turned the element off, eyes glancing up every few seconds to watch the chef in front of them add vegetable after vegetable, beginning to prep the big pot for the final sauce. Phil was obviously falling behind but tried not to stress, focusing simply on getting his task done. When he finally hit a lull in his tasks, waiting for the last of the vegetables to cook, he glanced over at Dan.

Dan was even more swamped than him. His beef was still on, now a dark, dark brown and inevitably very dry now. Phil lurched forward to turn off the element, Dan looking to him with wide eyes. His vegetables weren’t cooking very fast, due to the fact that he was flipping them around every two seconds, and he looked overall lost. Phil turned the heat up, and made him step back momentarily.

“You could have asked for help.” Phil laughed. “Leave your vegetables to cook like that for a minute or two. Then shake them.” He turned to tend to his now done vegetables, adding them and the ground beef into the pot with the sauce. The chef was beginning to add salt, pepper, vinegar, and herbs, but Phil would figure that out when he got there

“Didn’t want to get in your way,” Dan mumbled, nervously glancing down the line of chefs. Jess was coming towards them, checking in with everyone as they went.

“Like _I’m_ gonna win,” Phil joked, nodding at Dan for him to shake his vegetables up. He did, and this time Phil glanced over and deemed them much more cooked than before.

“I literally have no chance, though. You don’t have to help me.”

“Believe it or not, I don’t want you to crash and burn.” Phil retorted, adding a pinch of salt and some pepper to his sauce, tasting it lightly. Just then, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and Jess was leaning over.

“Hey, how’re you coming along?” She asked sweetly, looking up at Phil with wide, kind eyes. He smiled.

“It’s nice to bake something that you wouldn’t typically do. Try new things.”

“I know, isn’t it? Greg up there, the chef? Yeah, he tried to show me, but I couldn’t quite grasp it.”

“Maybe I could show you one day,” Phil attempted, the flirty remark feeling bitter on his tongue with how forced it was. Luckily, Jess laughed. During their quick lull in conversation, as Phil was quietly adding herbs to his sauce, he snuck a glance at Dan. Thankfully, he’d added his vegetables and beef to the sauce, and was now copying Phil.

“You definitely do look like you know what you’re doing.” Jess mused, wrapping an arm around his waist and rubbing at the small of his back for a moment. “You keep that up.” Phil smiled at her as she moved to Dan’s station.

“How’s it going, Dan?”

“It could be a lot worse.” Dan laughed, taking a moment to take Jess’s hand in his own and squeeze it before returning to tend to the sauce. Jess smiled.

“I’m glad you’re trying it. You look a little out of your element.”

“A little,” Dan repeated, chuckling. “At least Phil’s been helping me out.”

Phil’s eyes widened upon hearing Dan’s credit, turning his head and shooting the brunette a surprised look. Dan merely smiled at him.

“I’m glad that you two are constantly helping each other out then. That’s awesome of you two.” She replied, shooting Phil a happy look. He nodded.

“This week hasn’t even started, and it’s already been great,” Dan beamed. “Getting to talk to you, meet people, make a few friends. Getting to talk to you..” Dan repeated, a small smile on his lips. Jess practically giggled.

“I’m very glad that you’re having fun. I’ll be looking forward to trying what you make.” She beamed, squeezing Dan’s shoulder before moving down the line. Dan watched her leave and then frantically looked back to Phil.

“Okay, I’ve just been constantly adding little pinches of salt and herbs since she started talking to me, and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” He rushed out, gesturing to his pot of sauce. Phil laughed, stirring his pot of sauce.

“That’s a pity.” He sighed jokingly, Dan pouting at him. When Phil didn’t continue, and Dan didn’t speak up, Dan finally cracked and grabbed the spoon that Phil was holding, stopping his movements.

“Can you maybe help?” Dan sighed, giving Phil a look that knew he was giving the guy what he wanted. Phil smiled brightly.

“Of course, since you asked.” He replied with a chuckle, dipping a spoon into the sauce to taste it, adding some pepper to balance out the taste, and then instructing Dan to stir and keep the meat off of the bottom of the pot for at least five minutes. The chef had taken a break with adding more steps, letting people catch up as he scanned the counter for people’s progress. “You didn’t have to tell Jess that I helped you, you know.” said Phil quietly. Dan shrugged.

“Of course I had to,” Dan replied, as if it were a fact. “Had you not helped me she would have come to my station to be met with some uncooked ground beef scattered across the table. I might have had a pepper in my hair or something, too.” Phil chuckled.

“That certainly would have helped add to this whole ‘Attractive Chef’ she planned that you seem to have going for you.” Phil retorted. Dan scoffed.

“Yeah, pepper contour is really _in_ this year.”

“So I’ve heard.” Phil laughed.

There was a pause in the conversation before Dan broke the silence again.

“What if Jess takes a bite of my lasagna and literally spits it across the room?”

Phil sputtered into laughter. “That would certainly make you memorable. I mean, it really depends on how far she spits it.”

“Do I get bonus points for distance?”

Phil laughed, shaking his head. “Let’s aim for food that isn’t spit worthy.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Dan replied, looking back to the chef to follow what he was doing. Phil did so too, realizing he did actually need to focus on what he was doing, lest his dish end up like Dan’s had. Maybe he might actually be able to keep up; he might even win.

  


“Phil, I literally don’t know what I’m doing.” Dan hissed. They’d begun to roll the pasta out, needing to cut it into strips to place in the lasagna pan. Dan had barely sprinkled the flour onto the counter. Phil glanced over at the trouble he was having and chuckled, picking up a pinch of flour from Dan’s side of the counter to ping it lightly in his face. He flinched away, laughing before glaring back. “Stop that.”

“This part literally isn’t even that hard,” Phil chuckled, watching Dan wipe what he could of the flour away with the back of his hand. There was still some left on his cheek, but Phil decided that it was a good look.

“Everything about this is hard for me,” Dan groaned, beginning his attempt at cutting the noodles. It was then that Jess appeared between them, a hand on each of their shoulders. Dan promptly shut his mouth after complaining, and Phil laughed to himself. Serves him right for complaining so much.

“Not struggling too much, I hope?” Jess laughed, rubbing Dan’s shoulder encouragingly. He smiled at her, clearly beginning to become a little bit stressed. The look made Phil regret not immediately rushing to help Dan when he had showed some inability.

“It’s a learning experience, I suppose.” Dan replied with a sigh and another forced smile.

“Awh, don’t worry too much about it, Dan.” She encouraged, bringing her hand up to his face to wipe the flour away. Phil felt like a few wasps were buzzing around in his chest as he watched her do it. “I’m sure it’ll be great.”

“I hope so.” He looked up at her, eyes bright again, and Jess gave him yet another encouraging smile before walking away. Once she was gone, he turned to Phil. “There was more flour on my face, wasn’t there?”

Phil could only laugh guiltily, which caused Dan to grab at least handful of flour and toss it lightly in Phil’s direction. He shrieked lightly and shied away, but a lot of the flour did end up in his hair and on his shirt. He pouted at Dan. “Serves you right.” The brunette mumbled.

  


Luke ended up winning the entire challenge.  Apparently he actually _worked_ in a restaurant as a chef for a living. Neither Dan nor Phil were too hung up about it, having known that their lasagna hadn’t been to die for. When Jess and the chef, Greg, had come up to taste his they’d seemed impressed enough, but Dan hadn’t gotten exactly the same reaction. Both he and Dan had seen the withheld look of dislike on their faces as Jess and Greg had tried his lasagna, moving on promptly after doing so. As soon as they were gone, Dan broke out into laughter.

“Oh my _god_ , did you _actually_ see her face?” He laughed, gripping the edge of the counter as he bowed his head onto Phil’s shoulder in an attempt to suppress at least some of his laughter.

“She looked like she’d just eaten a lemon,” Phil replied with a giggle, hand over his mouth. Dan rose and made eye contact with him, his eyes alive with mirth.

“At least I tried,” He laughed, reaching for a spare fork and digging it into his dish. He brought the bite of lasagna to his lips, and immediate disgust flooded his face. He swallowed it down, Phil biting back laughter. Once he’d finished the bite, he immediately reached for another bite and forced it towards Phil. “That’s actually the worst thing I’ve ever tasted.”

Phil took the fork from Dan, and he couldn’t deny that the lasagna was bad.

“I mean-” He started, swallowing roughly. “It’s not the _worst_ thing, but it’s definitely not something I’d eat more of.” Dan chuckled.

“We’ve learned a very important lesson today.” Dan began, reaching to sneak a bite of Phil’s lasagna instead, seeing as his was inedible.

“And what’s that?” Phil asked, following Dan’s idea of eating his lasagna.

“Try new things.” Stated Dan. “Even if you learned never to try them again.”

“Cheers,” Phil replied, raising his forkful of lasagna to Dan.

“Cheers.” Dan copied, both of them chuckling as they ate piece after piece of Phil’s superior lasagna, resting in the lighthearted silence for a while. Sure, they’d both lost the challenge, but the day could have gone a whole lot worse, too.

  


When they all get back to the mansion, it’s late. The sun has set, they’ve all had dinner at the restaurant after having a group date / chat with Jess, and now they had the night to themselves once more, Luke in the other room talking to Jess one on one after he earned extra time with her.

“In a way, this sucks.” Dan sighs. They were sat alone by the pool, scene lit up only by the coloured lights in the water. It gave everything a very ethereal look, and it was very pretty. The weather was good, too. It was nice to sit out here. “I mean, it’s hard watching him win Jess to himself like that.”

Phil knew that Dan was obviously way more into this game than he was, but hearing him say that still stung a little. He brushed it aside. “You can’t have her _all_ to yourself _all_ the time, Mr. First Impressions Rose.” Phil retorted. Dan scoffed, but did let a smile slip onto his face.

“Yeah, I know.” He smiled. The silence grew between them before Dan reached to break it again, turning his body to fully face Phil instead of staring ahead. “Thanks again, by the way, for helping me today.” Phil waved him off. “No, honestly, I know you didn’t have to. It meant a lot.” Dan smiled at him. The care and gratefulness was evident in his eyes, and it made Phil blush slightly.

“It’s no problem.” He smiled. “I’m glad I was there to help. If there’s a complaining related challenge you have to help me though, because you seem to be good at that.”

“Oi,” Dan laughed, elbowing Phil lightly.

“I’m only half kidding.” Phil joked.

“Whatever.” Dan mumbled, feigning mild annoyance despite the contradictory smile.

Sitting here, with Dan, by the pool, it finally felt like Phil could get used to this. He hadn’t felt properly at ease since getting here, but in the moment he did. He felt like maybe this wasn’t the worst thing he could be doing with his time. He felt like it wasn’t a mistake that his mother had forced him to apply for this. He was enjoying himself, and for that, he was happy. Hopefully this whole thing wouldn’t be a disaster after all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess is out of the house, so the day is pretty lowkey for everyone at the house. Dan and Phil are more than happy to lounge around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! here's a little update to celebrate us being almost halfway through the week! yay! expect another update this weekend.  
> thanks for all the love, by the way! over 1k hits! that's exciting!  
> i've got a question for you guys at the end of this chapter, but for now: i hope you like it!!

Phil lay awake in bed the next morning, not wanting to get up quite yet.

Today, there was a one on one date happening with Jess and one of of the other guys, one whose name Phil had neglected to remember. That meant that they had the whole day to lounge around the mansion, being filmed at intervals to keep up with their life for the airing of the TV show, and Phil wasn’t too keen on being seen much in the footage. Sure, he’d get up to hang out with people eventually, but now was not that time.

For now, he was content to lay in bed and stare thoughtfully up at the ceiling. He’d been doing so for about an hour, his hair still ruffled in sleep and the glasses still perched on the bridge of his nose. 

Phil really did miss his bed back home, even if he hadn’t been here for long at all. The feeling of lost familiarity was somewhat draining. 

A knock on the door broke him out of his thoughts, causing Phil to furrow his eyebrows in confusion. Who on earth would be knocking on his door? Perhaps the film crew, he supposed, urging him out of bed so they could film _ something _ . “Who is it?” Phil called tentatively, sitting up in bed. He heard a quiet laugh outside the door, and relaxed immediately. “Come in.” He smiled.

He’d recognized Dan’s laugh. The brunette pushed into the room with a smile, lingering in the doorway. His eyes scanned the room momentarily. “Nice room. It’s like mine but flipped.” Dan observed, shifting to lean against the door frame. “Good morning, sleepyhead.”

“Good morning,” Phil replied, yawning at the mention of having to possibly get out of bed. Dan quirked an eyebrow. 

“It’s well past noon now, Phil. Are you really still tired?” Dan asked. Phil rolled his eyes combing fingers through his hair. 

“If someone gives me the opportunity to sleep in, I’ll take it.” He replied. Dan sighed.

“Unfortunately, the opportunity ends now. They wanted to send someone to wake you up. You’re lucky they sent me and not Derek.” Dan laughed. Phil smirked. 

“How do you know I wouldn’t have rather been woken up by Derek?” He asked teasingly, swinging his legs out of bed. He was wearing a white t-shirt and some track pants, the room having been too cold for just boxers last night. 

“I can get him instead, if you want.” Dan mused, still leaning against the door frame. Phil rolled his eyes.

“I’ll settle for you.” Phil waved dismissively, beginning to search through his clothes for something to wear. He heard Dan mutter something under his breath, something about being ' _fucking sarcastic_ ' Phil but didn’t quite catch it. “Why’d they want me up?” He asked.

“To film things. Capture some drama. Derek’s already started shit talking.”

“Who’s the victim this time?” Phil inquired.

“Aidan. He’s on the one on one date. Apparently Derek says that he’s not being ‘genuine’.” Dan explained with a sigh. “You weren’t there, so I had no one to roll my eyes to. It was hard having to withhold that suppressed sarcastic outlook, you know?

“That’s exactly what he said about you, too.” replied Phil, pulling the white t-shirt over his head to put on another proper one. He opted for a light blue one. His mother had told him once that it made his eyes pop. As he shrugged that shirt on, deciding to keep the track pants around the house today until Jess got back, Phil turned back to Dan. He hadn’t said anything yet. “I guess the guy needs more diverse insults.”

“Dare you to tell him that."

“You couldn’t pay me to.”  
  


The moment Phil walked downstairs, Dan by his side, he could hear the slightly raised voices. Dan sighed before they even got to the room, and Phil shot him a questioning look as the brunette entered ahead of him.

“The majority of guys are acting like they’ve never met a girl before,” Derek expressed, slouched backwards against the couch in a really unattractive way. His posture reminded Phil of a venus fly trap, ready to snap once anything or anyone came towards him in any way, shape, or form. Phil also instantly noticed the number of cameras in the room, all capturing what was going on. He noticed that one of them was focused on him and Dan entering. He let out a deep breath. 

“It’s like everyone here is trying to prove that they feel emotion. We get it, you’re over playing the ‘over-sensitive’ card, and sure that may work with Jess for now, but in the long haul you’re gonna get your ass kicked.” Derek continued. Phil raised an eyebrow and turned his head towards Dan. They locked eyes, sharing a similar expression of slight intimidation, before taking a quick scan of the room. Everyone else was perched on the edge of a sofa, appearing ready to flee if needed. It was like they’d been told to gather here and were forced to sit and listen, participate, or even fuel the ongoing discussion. The TV network must eat drama like this for breakfast.

“Derek, not everyone acts the same way, like-” Jason tried to intervene, but was cut off.

“Yeah, yeah, all that ‘character’ bullshit, I get it, but this is ridiculous. No one’s authentic here except myself, and maybe Collin.”

“I don’t get how you can make that judgement after being here for, what, 36 hours now?” Phil spoke, rather quietly. He felt Dan shift beside him. He wasn’t quite sure why exactly he was speaking, but the words had left his mouth before he could stop them. “I mean, yeah, there’s been a lot going on in 36 hours, but it’s not like you could’ve gone all  _ Sherlock Holmes  _ on all of the personalities here.” 

“You’re not one to talk,” Derek laughed. “How do you know what’s been going on around here either, huh? Haven’t you been asleep all day? Heard you hadn’t woken up until twenty minutes ago.”

Phil shrugged.

“At least  _ I _ woke up on the right side of the bed.” Phil mumbled. He heard a few guys around the room snicker. Derek laughed too, but it was more of a sneer. 

“Right.” He replied dryly, voice full of passive aggressive tones.

Phil felt a tug on the hem of his shirt, and noticed Dan moving to retreat from the room. He followed the light tug, following Dan’s lead to leave. He also caught sight of a few other guys following suit out of the corner of his eye as he left.

“How about we don’t  _ egg _ him on.” Dan suggested, fingers still caught in the hem of Phil’s shirt from pulling him away.

“He makes it pretty damn easy.”

“Not an excuse.” Dan laughed, leading them both to the kitchen once he’d unwound his fingers from Phil’s shirt, simply walking in front of him now. 

They trifled through the cupboards, quickly finding at least something to snack on, Phil content with the cereal he'd found. They headed outside to the porch, fine to lounge around while they were allowed to, more than happy to escape the leering Derek inside. They both knew that logically the film crew was gonna make them do something today, because they _did_ need some footage of a handful of jealous guys being spiteful about not getting a day with the ‘girl of their dreams’. For now though, Phil was content to sit outside with the only one here who didn’t make nerves bubble in his stomach. Everything felt a lot more at ease with Dan. 

“I already miss home,” Dan sighed, leaned back in his chair, facing Phil. His feet were propped up on the table too, right next to Phil’s cereal, but Phil was watching closely to make sure that he didn’t knock it over or dip a toe in by accident.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, munching on another spoonful. “I mean, I missed it the moment I left.”

“Really?” Dan asked, clearly curious. “Didn’t you want to come here though?” 

Phil paused. “Well, not exactly.” He smiled, setting the spoon back into the cereal bowl and sitting up properly, ready to delve into this conversation. “My family thought it would be good for me. They told me that at my age I should be almost ready to settle down, and I wasn’t avidly searching for anyone, nor showing interest in it. Their strategy was to force me to, to speed up the process I suppose.”

“Wow,” Dan commented, the story not having been what he expected. Phil continued.

“I mean, it’s not the worst thing in the world, obviously. Jess is a lovely girl, and meeting people like you has its upsides.” He said, noticing Dan’s small smile. 

“I does suck that you were practically forced into this, though.” Dan sympathized. Phil shrugged. 

“It’s not like it’s been a train wreck so far.” Phil commented. Dan nodded, but didn’t reply. They sat in the comfortable silence, Phil looking over the yard. It was so quiet out here when nothing was going on. The driveway was empty, the birds were quietly singing in the trees, and he could hear the sounds of waves in the pool around the other side of the house. There were a few clouds in the blue sky, the fluffy ones you should make shapes out of. 

“That one looks like a fish.” He observed. Dan raised an eyebrow questioningly, Phil gesturing to the clouds. Dan looked up, noticing the shape as the smallest of smiles slipped onto his face.

“Yeah. It does.” He mumbled, eyes bright as he scanned the rest of the sky. Phil watched him for a moment, wide eyes and slightly flushed cheeks, likely from the light breeze that whistled past them every so often. He looked so content to be sitting here, and Phil thought that this was the most natural way he’d seen Dan yet.

A few seconds later, possibly noticing Phil’s stares, Dan turned to look at him. The happy expression didn’t leave his face though, and Phil wasn’t sure how long they’d been staring back at each other. He did know that they were both sporting matching smiles, and that he didn’t feel like breaking the gaze.

“I love how your brain works,” Dan practically beamed. Phil toned his smile down slightly to shoot Dan a questioning look, willing for him to continue. “I mean, I would never have seen a  _ fish  _ when I looked up at the sky. I was just thinking about how pretty it was.” Phil’s smile returned at Dan’s comment.

“Well, it  _ is _ pretty.” Phil sighed, turning back to look up at the clouds.

  
“Yeah. It is.” Dan replied. Phil could see Dan’s content expression out of the corner of his eye, but the brunette wasn’t looking at the clouds; rather, he was looking right back at Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> question: would you guys prefer more frequent, short chapters, or longer chapters that don't come as often? this was an example of a shorter chapter at around the 2k mark, and the one before it was on the longer side at 4k ish. let me know. 
> 
> hope ya liked this mini 'dan and phil lowkey lounge around' part! have a good rest of your week, and i'll see you most likely probably on the weekend :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil comes to terms with the fact his priorities while being on 'The Bachelorette' aren't the same priorities that everyone else has set.
> 
> Alternate summary: I don't know how to summarize this chapter but revelations are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!
> 
> so the majority of you decided on longer, less infrequent updates. i was really hoping that you'd say that because longer chapters allow for more flow in events and connection, you know? that rhymed. 
> 
> anyways, here's this. i might start doing updates once a week, only because school is like, lowkey busy. we'll see though. i'll update at least once a week, maybe twice some weeks when homework levels are low.
> 
> hope you enjoy this chapter. plot development! yay!

The afternoon seemed to pass way faster than they’d intended. Sure enough, around late afternoon the camera crew had requested that people gather around the pool, preferably to do an activity such as swimming or lounging around on the deck in order for them to get some usable footage out of the day.

(“It’s _almost_ like people only watch this show for the sexual tension. Weird.” Dan had said. Phil laughed. “There’s plenty of that.”)

The men were also informed that Jess would be returning around 7, which had gotten a few excited calls.

Tendencies like that confused Phil. He got that everyone here was supposed to be chasing Jess and all, but he didn’t quite see the point in that. At the end of the day, she’d pick who she deemed the best suited for her. Phil wasn’t going to force himself onto her or anything like that. He was content to hang out at the end of the line for his turn.

With the amount of guys present at the pool, Phil’s self esteem was suffering just slightly. Everyone was fit as hell. Phil was talking six packs. On _everyone_. He wasn’t unfit himself, but it was hard to be confident in the group he was in.

Even Dan, Phil had realized rather quickly, was fit like the rest of them and equally, if not more, attractive. Objectively, of course. At this point, he wasn’t sure whether he was attracted to Dan, or rather if he wanted to _be_ Dan. (It was thoughts like this that continued to make him unsure about which way he swung. It was all a big question mark.)

What he couldn’t deny, regardless of this fact, was that Dan was fit. And Phil wouldn’t hate looking at him for extended periods of time if that were socially acceptable. _Okay,_ Phil thought, thoughts like that _might_ be pointing in the direction of ‘Hey! You’re attracted to boys!’ But something told him it wasn’t as straightforward as that.

When it was announced that Jess was coming back to the mansion, most of the guys went to change into something more formal. At first, Phil hadn’t been going to, but once Luke had come downstairs wearing a full on sports jacket he’d grown slightly self conscious of his ‘just a t-shirt’ look. He’d voiced his concerns out loud to Dan, with whom he hadn’t really parted with all day. Dan shrugged at him.

“You look fine, Phil.” He replied with certainty, scanning Phil’s outfit. “You sport the ‘I’m being very casual about this whole ordeal’ look really well.”

“Would a button-up shirt hinder me?”

“It wouldn’t hurt.”

Phil had gone to change, and Dan had mindlessly ended up trailing him upstairs. His excuse was that ‘Jason might try to engage him in another conversation about his haircut’ if he was alone down there. Phil had chuckled.

Phil pushed into his room, leaving the door open behind him as he wasn’t sure what Dan’s plan was in regards to this. Wait outside? Wait inside? Apparently he’d opted to hover in the doorway, much like he had when he’d come to wake Phil up this morning. Phil pretended to ignore the tension that had strangely filled the room as he looked through his suitcase for a shirt. (He had yet to unpack, so he’d settle for the shirts strewn everywhere for now.)

“So,” Dan eventually spoke as Phil had shrugged a new shirt on. It was a blue button up; casual, but he’d been told previously that he looked good in it. “Who do you think is going home this week? I mean, based on what we’ve seen.”

“I don’t know, to be honest.” Phil sighed. “I’ve avoided literally everyone except you.”

“You didn’t avoid Derek this morning.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Actually, if I remember correctly, you dragged yourself down-”

“I remember. Thanks, Dan.” Phil cut him off. Dan laughed. Phil had been thinking back to that exchange all day, sometimes out loud, and he knew that he should have kept his mouth shut. The last thing he needed was attention from the household asshole.

“In all seriousness though, I think Justin might be getting kicked out.” said Dan. Phil made a noise of acknowledgement as he closed his suitcase once more and moved to exit the room. “I mean, he just doesn’t seem like he’s properly into Jess, you know? Maybe the network threw him into the mix to cause some drama later or something.”

“Yeah.” Phil replied simply. Dan was clearly way more into being on ‘The Bachelorette’ than he was, but he wasn’t about to rain on Dan’s parade and shut the conversation down. He only hoped that Dan wouldn’t ask him questions that he couldn’t answer. He also wasn’t going to mention that he wasn’t exactly ‘properly into Jess’ himself. To be fair, he’d barely talked to her at all, and he still had some mind to make up. He wasn’t sure yet.

According to what he’d heard, the other guys had _felt_ it when they walked up to Jess for the first time on the first night. Phil hadn’t felt anything like that. He hadn’t felt the 'fireworks' they’d all spoken about. He hadn’t felt driven to have another conversation with her.

Deep down, he knew that he’d never be able to settle into a relationship with Jess, so why did he ache to stay?

Maybe it was the change of scenery, or maybe it was trying something new, but Phil genuinely didn’t want to get kicked off. He also didn’t want to win, mind you. His brain must be in it for the new experience. That had to be it.

Dan had been talking about Luke’s odds of being sent home while Phil had been lost in his head, but Dan hadn’t seemed to have noticed his mental absence. Phil just kept nodding at certain intervals, pretending to be acknowledging what Dan was saying as they descended the stairs.

Dan and Phil wound up in the main hallway just as Jess pushed through the door, Aidan, the one she’d been on the date with, right at her side. He had a rose pinned onto the jacket of his suit, and Phil noticed that Dan immediately scowled at it.

“I’ll catch you later tonight?” Aidan asked, pecking Jess on the cheek. She smiled at him.

“Of course.” She complied, brushing his arm as he sauntered away into the lounge.

“Dan and Phil, right?” She asked, turning to the two of them as they stood hovering in one of the doorways..

“That’s us.” Dan smiled back at her, shooting Phil a glance as well. Phil had to give Jess credit. She’d had to remember quite a few names in a very short span of time. It was a miracle she’d remembered him at all. He hadn’t exactly made an effort to make a lasting impression.

“I knew wouldn’t forget two personalities like yours,” She laughed. “How was your day?”

Phil realized after a brief second of silence that Jess had been looking at him. He’d just assumed that Dan would answer for the both of them.

“It was good! Always good to have a casual day to hang about , you know?”

“I get that.” Jess replied with a nod. “A nice, more relaxing day is something we all need once in awhile.”

“You don’t get too many of those lately, do you?” Dan asked with a sympathetic smile, moving forward and opening his arms, welcoming a hug. Jess fell into him with an ‘awh’ sort of noise, smiling into his shoulder. Phil looked onward, wanting to melt into the wall to avoid being a third wheel. He also didn’t particularly want to watch any sort of affection unfold between the two of them.

“I don’t, but that’s okay.” Jess reassured, still holding Dan close. “Seeing so many wonderful people each day restores my energy like _that_.” She beamed, snapping her fingers for effect. Dan smiled down at her.

“I’m glad.” He replied. Jess continued to look up at him for a moment more before gesturing towards the back porch with a nod of her head, beckoning Dan and Phil to follow.

Dan didn’t look back once to confirm that Phil was coming. Instead, he practically clung to Jess’s side as she walked, immediately trying to start a conversation with her again. That stung Phil slightly. Sure, they were here for Jess; he knew that, yet it still stung that Dan would choose Jess over him so suddenly. Sure, Dan may not have known either of them for very long, but it seemed like he was already picking a favourite between the two of them, and it wasn’t Phil. Being a second choice didn’t sit well with him. It was weird to pinpoint the feeling in his chest as jealously, but truth be told? That’s what it was.

They’d agreed not to let their mutual attraction towards Jess come between them right from the get-go, and Phil had been 100% in agreement with that. Why did this feel like it was something different?

 

Eventually, by the peak of the night, all the guys had found their way to the back porch. Dan was settled right next to Jess on the couch, practically squished there, and he hadn’t so much looked at Phil since he sat down. He’d looked at Jess, maybe occasionally the person talking, but mostly Jess. Phil didn’t like it. He felt alone. The one person with whom he’d established some sort of friendship with had downright forgotten about him.

“So, what are some hobbies that you guys are into?” Jess asked once their previous conversation had gone dry. Phil hadn’t been listening. He also knew that this question wasn’t particularly directed at him, more so to the more outspoken guys. He also didn’t feel like he was in the mood to participate.

“I’d have to go with the stereotype and say sports,” one guy piped up. He got a handful of people in agreement.

“I’m pretty into music, myself.” Dan spoke up. It was the first time Phil had heard Dan state something in a conversation with such confidence since they’d sat down, him mostly having had made slight, quiet contributions to the conversations instead of direct points.

Phil wanted to agree with Dan. Music was an important part of his life, of course it was, but he didn’t feel like he was at all included in this conversation. Maybe it _wouldn’t_ be so bad if he didn’t get a rose this week, forcing him to go home. He wasn’t particularly enjoying himself, especially tonight.

“Me too, man. What do you listen to?” Jason asked, leaning over to swat Dan on the shoulder.

“I’m pretty open to most things, actually. There isn’t much that I don’t like.” Dan shrugged. “Muse. Radiohead. Bands like that.”

“Me too,” Phil agreed excitedly, surprising himself with his choice to speak. All eyes in the group immediately fell on him, clearly not having expected him to pipe up. He shrunk back into his seat with the sudden attention before meeting Dan’s eyes across the group. His expression was bright as he smiled at Phil, and the burst of reassurance in that look was enough to encourage Phil to continue despite the sudden attention. “I’m a big fan of bands like that.”

“You’ve got good music taste then.” Dan replied with a smirk, tilting his head slightly. Phil smiled back at him.

“Personally, I like to play instruments like piano...” One of the other guys began, trailing off as he listed the different instruments he played and the different styles he liked. Phil could also hear some of the other guys chiming into the conversation, but he’d stopped paying attention.

Dan made a funny face, sticking his tongue out at Phil jokingly before turning away to listen to the person speaking, but Phil’s gaze stayed glued on the brunette even when he was no longer looking back. It was so strange how one, small interaction with Dan had removed him from his slump of not feeling included. Establishing _one_ common interest with Dan and exchanging smiles had improved his mood drastically.

“You don’t need _that_ much coordination to play the _recorder_.” Dan laughed suddenly, most of the other guys laughing too at some anecdote they were throwing around. Phil wasn’t paying attention. He was watching Dan’s eyes crinkle when he laughed, watching his face light up as he tilted his head back, grinning along to whatever someone was saying. He was noticing the freckles dotting Dan’s nose and the way his hair was just beginning to curl at the ends after a long day.

He was noticing how he wanted Dan to be smiling at him like that all the time; noticing how he wanted Dan to be leaning into his side the way he was doing with Jess.

He shook the thoughts out of his head.

 

An hour later into the night, Jess had begun pulling people away individually, and a sprinkling of roses were rumored to be handed out. The group of guys on the porch had begun to dwindle, people breaking away and dispersing after Jess had left. Dan had stayed, though, so Phil had stayed too. He really did have nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. There was no way the camera crew would let him retreat up to his room, despite how much he wanted to; they needed footage of everyone on nights like this.

“I’ve had a few serious relationships before,” one of the guys started, taking a sip of his beer. “And I feel like I’m ready for this, you know?”

“Yeah. It’s the feeling of being ready financially, emotionally. Ready in every way.”

“Mhm.”

Dan met Phil’s eyes across the group as the other guys exchanged dialogue about their past relationships. Phil quirked an eyebrow questioningly, wondering what the motive for the sudden eye contact was. Dan merely smiled and shrugged his shoulders ever so slightly before turning back to the person speaking.

Quick eye contact with Dan shouldn’t be making his heart flip. What was wrong with him?

“Phil?” One of the guys asked, nudging his shoulder. Phil snapped to attention, eyes wide. _Had they been talking to him?_ Oops.

“Yeah?” He asked slowly. A few of the guys snickered at his lack of paying attention, and Phil shrunk back into the couch.

“Collin asked about your past relationships,” Dan helped, smiling softly. Phil nodded.

“Oh,” He replied. “Well, I’ve had a few.” He started with a nod, knowing he needed to continue but not knowing what he should say. He _hadn’t_ had many relationships in the past. None that were serious, anyways. That was why his parents had forced him to come here. “They were all cut off by things like moving, university, different life stages.” His voice was wobbly and so incredibly fake that Phil was surprised that no one called him out immediately.

“That sucks, man.” Someone else piped up. “Were they serious relationships?”

“Yeah,” Phil nodded with a shrug. “What can you do? I figured an experience like this would be good for me.”

Phil once again caught Dan’s eye across the group.

‘ _Bullshit_ ’, Dan mouthed, forming the words subtly as a smirk spread across his face. Phil had to bite back a grin. It totally was bullshit, but no one else seemed to notice. Phil shrugged at Dan, only letting an inkling of a smile onto his face as the conversation continued on around them. Dan rolled his eyes at Phil, shaking his head comically as if disappointed in Phil’s lies. Phil had to laugh at that, barely keeping it under control. It was then that he felt a hand on his shoulder. Dan’s eyes suddenly shifted to the person behind Phil. He turned, and was greeted by Jess’s warm smile.

“Hey Jess,” he heard Dan speak up from behind him. Jess shot him a smile before turning back to Phil.

“Can I steal you for a bit?” She asked sweetly.

“Of course,” Phil replied, despite his already shaking hands. He rose from the couch, barely catching Dan’s wary encouraging smile before he was following Jess to the garden. She extended a hand to him, and Phil took it in his own immediately, lacing their fingers. In all honesty, it felt forced but Phil wasn’t about to tell that to Jess.

“So, you were pretty good at the whole cooking competition, weren’t you?” Jess asked sweetly as they walked. Phil felt himself nodding.

“My mom’s recruited me to help cook at family gatherings, so I guess I’ve picked up a few skills here and there.” He explained. “Did you never help your parents cook when you were little?”

“No,” Jess laughed. “My parents thought I was too clumsy. I’d probably burn myself.”

“To be fair, I’m pretty clumsy too. It’s a miracle I didn’t do that myself.” Phil replied. Jess smiled at him.

“Us clumsy people are the fun people.” She retorted.

“Obviously,” Phil smiled. A comfortable silence fell over them. Phil had to admit that Jess was incredibly sweet. He enjoyed talking to her, and her presence was nice to be in, but it was the kind of presence you’d look for in a close friend. Maybe that was what they’d start out as.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Jess started, pulling them both down onto a garden bench, practically squished to each other's sides. “About how you helped Dan during the challenge the other day.”

“What about it?” Phil followed nervously. He had no idea where this conversation was going, and was overly worried about the things Jess might question for herself.

“That was just really nice of you,” Jess shrugged. “You didn’t have to do it.” Phil furrowed his eyebrows. He hadn’t for a second debated _not_  helping Dan. It had been his immediate reaction. Plus, he didn’t see it as being that big of a deal.

“Dan’s my friend. Of course I did.” Phil replied. “He had no idea what he was doing. The least I could do was point him in the right direction.”

“I’m sure he appreciated it greatly.” Jess smiled. “You two work well together.”

“The lasagna was still awful.” Phil laughed. Jess laughed too.

“It was by far the worst one I tried.”

“Points for effort?”

“We’ll give him that.” Jess sighed, shaking her head fondly. She spoke again after a pause. “You’re a really great person, Phil.”

Phil smiled. She continued. “You offered to help Dan without blinking an eye, you have everyone’s best interest in mind…” She trailed off.

“Thank you,” Phil replied genuinely. “That means a lot.”

“I also love the friendship you kindled with Dan.” She admits with a smile. “It makes me happy knowing that the two of you aren’t mindlessly trailing the thought of me around the house 24/7.” She laughed. “You’re actually making a good time out of it.”

“Yeah,” Phil smiles. “I’m glad Dan and I had similar interests and outlooks on things. I don’t know how tolerable living in that house would be otherwise.” He sighed. “Seeing you is great, and it makes my day-” Phil flirted with a stretch, “-but in the end, if I didn’t have a friend here I probably wouldn’t be happy.”

“Do you not get along with the other guys?”

“It’s not that at all,” Phil replied quickly. “They’re all nice, of course. It’s just that I don’t have much in common with them. I also may be slightly intimidated by them.” He joked. Jess laughed.

“Why’s that?”

“I’m not as loud nor confident as any of them I suppose,” Phil shrugged. “I’m not the stereotype of a guy by any means. I was picked on for that growing up, and old habits die hard I suppose.”

“Aw," Jess frowned. "I’m so sorry.” She comforted, squeezing his hand as she shifted closer to him. Phil smiled.

“I’m alright. Don’t you worry about me.” Phil smiled. “What about you? Do you keep in touch with your friends while you’re here?”

“Yeah!” She beamed happily. “I call my family every night, and text my friends whenever I’m allowed to be away from filming. I can’t tell them anything about the details of the show, though.”

“That sucks. I’m sure you’re buzzing to tell _someone_ about all this.” Phil laughed. Jess nodded.

“It’s so hard not to say anything.”

“Kudos to you. I talk to my mom every other night or so, and she’s always asking about what’s going on. It’s so hard to tell her nothing about what goes down everyday.”

“You could tell her about Dan.” Jess suggested. “Telling her about a friend you made doesn’t spoil the show.”

Phil thought about that for a moment. When his mom asked what he’d been up to, he couldn’t tell her that he’d put more effort into establishing a friendship with Dan than winning the girl over. He couldn’t tell her that the best part about this whole experience was meeting a brunette with so many common interests and traits that he couldn’t count them all.

He could probably casually tell her that he’d made a friend and was enjoying himself, though. That wouldn’t be a lie.

“Maybe I could slip him into conversation, yeah.” Phil smiled. “Do you miss home?”

“Every day.” Jess sighed. “It’s worth it though. I want this.”

“I’m glad. I really do want you to end up happy.”

It was the truth. Anybody could tell that Jess was so genuinely sweet and deserved the best of things to come of all this ‘Bachelorette’ craziness.

“Thank you, Phil.” She smiled, pausing before reaching over beside the bench. Phil’s breath caught when he saw what she was holding. It was a rose. The rose. The rose that meant he was staying for Week 2.

“I really do appreciate how you have my best interest in mind. You let me make my own opinions and let me come find you instead of you throwing yourself at me like some of the guys are, and that means a lot to me.” Phil smiled. He hadn’t been aware that he’d come across that way. Jess twirled the rose around in her fingers, her other hand still laced with Phil’s

“Phil, do you accept this rose?”

“Of course.” Phil smiled gratefully. Or he gave what he hoped was a grateful smile. He was mostly just caught off guard. Firstly, he’d talked to Jess what, three times? Four times? Secondly, the things Jess saw in him were things he wasn’t aware he was putting out into the world. All in all, he wasn’t sure how to feel about this whole setup. His emotions had been conflicting since he got here.

His brain also immediately went to Dan. Dan hadn’t gotten a rose yet. Phil would certainly be staying for Week 2, but Dan may not. If Dan weren’t here, Phil wasn’t sure he’d survive another week. He wasn’t sure he’d want to be accepting this rose right now. For the time being, he had no choice. He continued to smile at Jess as she pinned the rose onto his shirt.

“Perfect.” said Jess, not leaning away even after she’d finished pinning the rose. “I’m excited about you.”

“I’m excited about you too.” Phil replied quietly. Jess was just so _close_. Before Phil even had the chance to register what was going on, Jess was leaning in and briefly softly connecting their lips. Phil made a quick squeak of surprise, albeit forcing himself to kiss back before Jess was (thankfully) pulling away. He’d just been surprised, that was all. He hadn’t been given time to prepare himself for that. That’s probably why the whole experience felt off to him.

“I can’t wait to see more of you,” Jess smiled at him, still mere inches away from his face. Phil forced a small smile onto his face.

“I can’t wait to see more of you either.”

 

Once him and Jess had parted ways, Phil immediately set out to find somewhere, _anywhere_ , without cameras and people. He just needed a moment to him self.

Phil snuck around the porch and through a side door that led into the house, finding the first available door he saw and opening it. Thankfully, it was a bathroom, and no suspicions would be raised about him entering.

Phil turned to the mirror, and took in how absolutely frazzled he looked. He looked paler than usual, he felt slightly shaky, and he could feel the unsettling heartbeat in his chest. It was just a rose; it was just a rose and a kiss from the girl he was supposed to be falling in love with. Why was he freaking out?

Maybe because it didn’t feel right at all when Jess had leaned in. Maybe because he’d been thinking about Dan.

He didn’t want to be here if Dan weren’t here. Phil felt like he’d do anything to leave if Dan did. He didn’t know what that meant for him yet. He liked Jess. She was funny, nice, caring; she wasn’t someone Phil saw as a romantic interest, though. He didn’t know much about her, nor did he feel the ‘sparks’ of compatibility that everyone seemed to talk about.

What scared him was that he felt sparks of compatibility with Dan.

Taking a deep breath, forcing the thought away, Phil calmly unpinned the rose, removing the pin and tucking the flower away in his pocket. He then opened the door to the bathroom, checked for people, and went to his room, tossing the rose onto the bed before heading back outside before the camera crew noticed his absence and came looking for him.

He made his way back to the porch, suspecting and hoping that Dan was still there. He was, to Phil’s relief.

“Welcome back.” Collin greeted as Phil sat back down into his former spot on the couch. Phil smiled at him. “How’d it go?”

“Good.” Phil nodded, praying that they’d let it go. He really didn’t think he could handle questions right now. Hoping they’d get the message, Phil diverted his eyes to the floor. Luckily, conversation seemed to move on almost instantly. He didn’t bother listening. He just collected himself for a moment before making an effort to at least _look_ at the person talking.

Instead of looking at the person talking, he finds himself looking at Dan. Dan’s looking back at him with a worried gaze, leading Phil to believe that he hadn’t done a very good job at masking how unnaturally shaken he was. Dan shoots him a questioning look, and Phil waves it off. Dan doesn’t look convinced, so Phil looks away in hopes that he’ll let it go.

He doesn’t. Minutes later, Phil can still feel Dan’s worried looks across the table, and if anything it’s making him more nervous.

Phil quietly excuses himself from the group, certain no one really noticed or acknowledged him, before heading off into the house, closing the porch door behind him. Dan is following him, mere steps behind.

“Hey, are you okay?” Dan asks worriedly, catching up to Phil and falling into stride beside him. Phil wasn’t sure where in the house he was headed at this point, but he continued to walk.

“Yeah, yeah.” Phil dismissed with a sigh. “Just stress about the competition aspect of this, I suppose.”

“What, knowing that everyone else here wants Jess as much as you do?” Dan smiled jokingly, nudging Phil’s side.

“Something like that.” Phil mutters, not meeting Dan’s eyes. Dan frowns.

“What’s really bothering you?” He asked, bringing two fingers up to lift Phil’s chin, forcing them to meet eyes. Phil gulps. “I can tell it’s a little more than that.”

“Jess gave me a rose.” Phil replied, making an effort to keep his tone of voice neutral. Dan’s eyebrows immediately raised in surprise. “And I don’t know, I’m glad, but it’s stressing me out.”

“Why would that stress you out? Phil, that’s awesome.”

“It just does.” Phil waved his hand. _Because you don’t have a rose yet. I don’t want to stay if you don’t stay with me._

“Then stop that.” Dan mock instructs, taking Phil by the shoulders, holding him at arm's length. “Take the days one at a time. It’s just one rose.”

“I know,” Phil smiled.

“And hey, we’re in this together.” Dan reminded him, squeezing his shoulders slightly.

“But- It's just that you don’t have a rose yet,” Phil admits, averting his eyes to a corner of the room briefly. “I don’t know. We might _not_ be 'in it together' if you don't get one.”

“The week’s not over.” Dan joked, offering Phil a reassuring smile. “You underestimate my wooing skills.” Phil had to laugh lightly at that. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Good.”

“Good on _you_ for getting the rose.” Dan smiles. "And to get it this early into the week, too."

“Thanks, Dan.” Phil smiled. Dan’s hold on Phil’s shoulders let him easily pull Phil forward with another smile, wrapping him in a quick hug. Phil falls into it gratefully, entirely aware of the amount of comfort the embrace was giving him. Dan's arms around him shouldn't be the thing to instantly calm him down.

“Stop that worrying.” Dan encouraged, voice muffled by Phil’s shoulder. He pulled away, and Phil smiled at him again.

“I’ll do my best.”

“Good.” Dan replied happily, beginning to take a few steps away. Phil mimicked him, predicting Dan's move to leave as he planned to follow, when Dan spoke up. “I’m actually gonna go find Jess now, I think.” He said. Phil stopped in his tracks. He held back the disappointed ‘Oh’ that threatened to fall past his lips.

“Good luck with that,” Phil chuckled instead. His voice was kind of dry, and he hoped that Dan didn’t pick up on it.

“I won’t need it.” Dan winked, still moving towards the back door. Once he reached it, he turned properly to face Phil. Phil was still stood in the middle of the room. “You’re good, right?”

“Yeah. I’m good.” Phil reassured. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.” Dan replied happily, "I'll see you later." he bid, disappearing through the door. Phil exhaled.

Dan’s presence made him feel so much more at ease, and he found himself enjoying the brunette’s company far too much. He had to keep reminding himself that Dan was here for Jess, not him. He had to remind himself that Dan’s priorities were a little more set on the goal of obtaining Jess, whereas Phil’s priorities were slightly, well, sidetracked(™).

Just because Phil would hang out with Dan rather than Jess didn’t mean that Dan would choose the same.

Sure, maybe he _had_ come here to fall for the girl of everyone’s dreams, but as he thought back to the night’s events, something in his chest told him that the girl wasn’t the one he’d begun to fall for.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you SEE that title drop? yeah. she did that.
> 
> hope this was a thing that you liked. hound me for the next update and it maaaaay come sooner than next sunday. who knows? not me.  
> also! promo! you should all follow me on twitter and on tumblr! @phanimist! yay! i tweet about sidetracked and give liiiitle plot details away sometimes. if you want that in your life then hmu. 
> 
> let's hope writer's block doesn't kick in. the story is just getting started :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil starts to become acutely aware of what's beginning to develop between him and Dan. That fact, on top of the idea that Dan is chasing Jess, doesn't sit well with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey my friends i've got many things to say  
> 1) holy shit i was in the dapgo memes video i made ACTUAL PHIL LESTER LAUGH  
> my tweet was the 'dan and phil deactivate one' and tbh we were all thinking it. i was just the one who got caught saying it. anyways, so that hasn't set in yet.  
> 2) this week has been BUSY and this weekend even BUSIER so it's a miracle that i got this up tbh,, i'll try again for another update next weekend but if it comes on monday or tuesday don't @ me  
> 3) i make a white person joke like ONCE in this update and i swear to god if i get one comment about 'reverse racism' i'll fight  
> 4) thanks for all your lovely comments and things like that on past updates :) i appreciate you all and hope you enjoy this chapter!

The next morning there was another group date, and Phil wasn’t on this one either. Apparently, this damn show was set up so that during the first few weeks people went through many bursts of doing nothing in order to see Jess just once. Phil could say that he wasn’t a fan. He had the day off again, though he didn’t have much that he could do around the house. He didn’t feel like doing much in particular to be honest, but his brain was wide awake by 7am. Going to bed early last night had only led to him waking up incredibly early compared to his normal schedule. 

Phil decided to embrace it, sighing as he pushed himself out of bed to get changed. He might as well make the most of being up. Once dressed, he moved downstairs and actually did himself the favour of preparing a decent breakfast on his own for once, opting to sit outside instead of inside to enjoy the nice morning air. Nobody was out swimming; nobody was out doing push ups in the yard, trying to prove their masculinity, either. It was nice. Natural. Quiet, even.

Phil’s brain had been anything but quiet since he’d woken up, and it had been induced by nothing but thoughts of Dan. 

Phil was nearing thirty. He’d been dealing with feelings similar to this since he was ten. He knew what was coming, and he knew that he had to nip it in the bud. He couldn’t dwell on the smiles Dan shot his way, because then he’d only crave them more. He couldn’t fight for more alone time with the brunette, because he’d only miss it when he couldn’t get it anymore. He needed an elastic to snap back against his wrist whenever he thought of Dan at this point, to be honest, because he couldn’t seem to get himself to stop. 

Phil had realized that he was beginning to develop slightly-more-than-platonic feelings towards Dan. He’d known it the minute that Dan had been his first thought waking up in the morning.

Phil just wanted to keep thinking of the way Dan’s eyes lit up when he talked about something that interested him, wanted to keep reminiscing on the few moments they’d enjoyed together so far. Phil wanted to laugh with Dan, share jokes and space and time with Dan, but he knew that a mindset like this would destroy him in weeks time, maybe even day’s time. 

Dan was either going to get sent home, or he was going to fall in love with Jess. Phil didn’t know which one would be worse.

 

It took another hour or two for people to start properly waking up, Phil having been lost in his own head for most of the time. It was easy to slip away into your own thoughts with the lulling silence of the outdoors as background music, he found. The serene silence was soon taken away though, as he felt a hand on his shoulder and a presence sit down by his side. He didn’t have to turn to realize that it was Dan. He could tell.

“You’re up significantly earlier than yesterday,” Dan joked quietly, smiling at him in what was supposed to make up for the lack of a proper ‘good morning’ statement. 

“Apparently this is the hour that normal people get up,” Phil replied, making an effort to look anywhere but properly at Dan. He had a feeling that he’d never look away once he did. “Not going to bed in the early hours of the morning has it’s perks, I suppose.”

“Speaking of which,” Dan started. “You went to bed pretty early last night, didn’t you?” Phil shrugged. 

“Got tired a lot earlier than I usually do, I don’t know.” He chuckled. Truth be told, he’d simply been overcome with a sudden wave of dejectedness after watching Dan chase Jess instead of him, but he wasn’t about to tell that to his friend. 

“Not even a ‘goodnight’ for me though?” Dan pouted. “I thought we had something special.”

He was joking. He was a thousand percent joking. Phil forced a laugh and rolled his eyes. 

“It’s not you. It’s me.”

“Wow. Breaking up before we even get together. Harsh.” Dan replied, smiling slightly to himself. Phil finally looked over at him instead of looking at the yard then. Dan’s expression was so light and full of energy that it immediately rubbed off on Phil. It was odd, how Dan could instantly change Phil’s mood around with just a look. A smile wormed it’s way onto his face after a mere glance at Dan’s.

Easy conversations and exchanges like these certainly weren’t helping Phil nip this little ‘crush’ of sorts in the bud. If anything, it was fueling the fire.

Dan returned Phil’s smile, holding the gaze for a solid few seconds before speaking up again. The silence wasn’t even uncomfortable or awkward. It was a nice, understood silence. Calculated and enjoyed.

“So, what mysteries have you unraveled from waking up with the sun?” Dan inquired, gesturing grandly with his hands to make the topic seem much more exciting than it actually was. Phil chuckled.

“I discovered that the birds are even louder when they aren’t muffled by a window and some walls.” Phil answered. “It has a nice vibe out here. Good for thinking.”

“What were you thinking about?” Dan asked. Phil locked eyes with him for just a moment. 

_ You. _

“Jess.” Phil shrugged. “I don’t know.” Dan gave the smallest of smiles as he sighed.

“Me too.” He replied. He seemed a little tired as he said it, taking another deep breath before continuing. “You know how I went to find her last night?”

“Yeah?” Phil replied.

“She gave me a rose, too.”

Phil immediately smiled as if it were a reflex. Dan was sticking around for now, Jess or no Jess. “That’s awesome.”

“Unfortunately I have to be stuck with you for another week, though.” Dan mock sighed, shrugging as if he were unhappy. Phil swatted at his shoulder, Dan immediately breaking the facade and laughing. Phil just pouted. “I’m kidding.”

“I hate you.” 

_ Oh the irony, _ Phil thought to himself. _ I couldn’t bring myself to hate you if I tried. _

“Wow, hatred? Coming from absolute-ray-of-sunshine Phil-, wait, what’s your last name?”

“Lester.”

“Absolute-ray-of-sunshine Phil Lester? Unheard of. I didn’t think you had it in you.” Dan continued. 

“You unlocked it within me, I suppose.” Phil retorted.

“I’m already rubbing off on you. It won’t be long until you have a constantly pessimistic outlook on life.”

“It won’t be long until you’re Mr. Positivism, if we’re playing the ‘influence’ card.”

“I vote we keep our own traits,” Dan chuckled. “I think we balance each other out nicely.”

“I’d have to agree.” Phil smiled.

 

The day was incredibly uneventful. Most of the guys were all gathered in small groups across various locations in the house. There were also very few people carrying cameras around, Phil noticed. They must not need much footage for the day.

Phil stayed outside with Dan for another hour or so, just talking. They talked about shared interests again, like TV shows they watched and music. They didn’t once bring up Jess, and for that Phil was eternally thankful.

Truthfully, he didn’t know what he was going to do. Jess was close friend material, to summarize what he thought about her. She was the kind of person you’d trust with secrets, knowing she’d give you a smile, some good advice, empathy, and a laugh. Phil liked her a whole lot, sure, just not in the way you liked someone you were looking to marry. 

Being on TV show where his only goal was to marry the girl? Well, it certainly had its inconveniences.

And then there was the boy sitting next to him, eyes so captivating that Phil never wanted to look away, personality so bright and welcoming that Phil just wanted to constantly be close to him. That boy was probably going to fall in love with the girl he was supposed to love. 

This was confirming Phil’s suspicions that he did like boys. He liked girls too. He didn’t really want to bother with a label, to be honest, but at least now he had some sort of footing. Even if that footing meant suffering, because Dan surely wouldn’t fall for him.

Now that Phil was conscious of his budding crush, it seemed all the more obvious to him as the emotion amplified with every word that left Dan’s lips. Dan was here for Jess, and that made it sting even more. 

After lounging around in the garden for a nice while, both Dan and Phil figured they better head inside. The sun was up in the sky, afternoon dawning, and Phil was semi-worried about getting a sunburn.

“True. You are translucent.” Dan had laughed. Phil had shrugged, agreeing reluctantly. 

“I wouldn’t have been surprised if my skin had fallen off had we stayed out there longer,” Phil replied. 

“Should we go raid the kitchen?” Dan piped up after a quick chuckle, looking to switch priorities. Phil nodded. 

“Yeah.” He said. “I ate at like, 7am. That was forever ago.”

“That’s when normal people eat breakfast, Phil.”

“Normalness leads to sadness.” Phil smiled, shrugging as he trudged up the steps of the front porch towards the house. He saw Dan crack a smile out of the corner of his eye.

“That’s such a ‘Phil’ thing to say.”

“I’m serious! For example? Waking up at 7am every day would make me sad.”

“Normalness leads to sadness.” Dan repeated as if for himself, stopping dead to look at Phil with a bright and happy expression, seeming amused and also pleased. It was a weird look of adoration and appreciation for Phil’s words that he hadn’t been expecting. The expression did prompt a smile from him though.. 

“What?” Phil questioned, inquiring about Dan’s stares and smile. Dan just shook his head.

“Nothing.” He replied with a chuckle. “Your personality is just so adorable.” 

Dan continued on towards the kitchen then, leaving Phil a few steps behind him. Phil couldn’t brush a compliment like that off his shoulder without a stumble or two. Adorable? Dan found someone like Phil adorable? Tomfoolery.

As the two stepped into the kitchen, Phil on Dan’s heels, they were greeted immediately by every single one of the other guys staying home today from the group date. Some turned to acknowledge their arrival, but the others stayed huddled around the counter. They seemed pretty hyped about something, cheering or muttering every few seconds, reaching across the counter. Phil moved to get a better view of what was happening, Dan peering over his shoulder. Phil heard the unmistakable sound of a water bottle hitting the table and immediately knew what the guys were doing without even having to check.

“Oh my god,” Dan muttered, seeming to catch on at the same time as him. Phil just laughed, watching as Luke flipped a water bottle only to have it tip over, having no chance at standing. Dan shook his head.

“Let Collin do it again!” Someone shouted, the water bottle being slid across the counter. A blond picked it up and carelessly flipped it towards the table, the bottle skidding off to the side instead. It landed in front of Phil. He simply slid it back. 

“You should try,” Dan joked from behind him. Phil turned to look at him with an amused expression, surprised at how close Dan was. He’d been aware that Dan had been watching over his shoulder, he just hadn't been aware of how close he was. Dan’s nose was mere inches away from his, expression even warner up close. Phil got caught up in the stare before someone else was calling him out, telling him to try flipping the water bottle. Phil reluctantly turned back to the group. 

“I’ve never done it before.” Phil sighed as he grabbed at the bottle, turning it over in his hand once. He was acutely aware of everyone looking at him, waiting for him to simply flip the damn thing.

“You literally just spin it in the air,” Dan instructed. Phil didn’t turn to look at him, merely listening. He tried to throw it at the table without aim, the bottle simply clattering down without spinning even once. Dan laughed.

“You do it then, Mr. _‘Just Spin It In The Air’_ ,” Phil pouted, handing the water bottle to Dan. Dan rolled his eyes and shook his head with a smile as he took the bottle, reaching around Phil instead of swapping places with him. Phil was incredibly aware of how close they were. 

Dan raised his hand and flicked his wrist, the bottle spinning once and landing perfectly, standing straight up. The entire group of guys erupted into cheers suddenly, and Phil scowled at Dan despite the underlying grin. Of course Dan could get it on first try. 

“Oh!”

“First try, man!”

“Ohhhh!”

Dan merely grinned as he looked at Phil amusedly and shrugged. “Just spin it in the air.” He laughed. Phil crossed his arms.

Everyone else had refocused their attention to the bottle being flipped on the counter, someone else trying to get the bottle to land perfectly like Dan had. Dan was still looking at Phil though, clearly more proud of himself than he should be. Phil held his ground, still pouting at his friend. Dan rolled his eyes.

“It’s not that hard,” He laughed.

“Easy for you to say.” Phil said, feigning annoyance. Dan just laughed before worming his arms around Phil’s waist white Phil’s arms were still crossed stubbornly, head coming to rest on Phil’s shoulder. Phil had to withhold a squeaking noise of sorts. Dan then forcefully uncrossed Phil’s arms as he drew them back. 

“Stop moping,” Dan chuckled. “I’m sure your little talents are more useful than mine. Flipping a water bottle isn’t actually that great.”

“White people seem to think it’s great.” Phil muttered, laughing under his breath slightly at his own joke. Dan sputtered into laughter, the group of guys around them erupting into an outburst of excitement at the exact same time, proving Phil’s point as another one of them evidently landed the water bottle again. Dan then removed his arms from around Phil, happy with his success at uncrossing Phil’s arms apparently.

“White people do think it’s great, I suppose.” He laughed in reply. Phil chuckled, still internally contemplating the motives and reasoning behind Dan’s hug. What had that been? 

The two of them watched the others flip a water bottle, passing the plastic back and forth over the table, for a little while longer. It was fun, no doubt, being in a hyped situation that was so easily fueled. Phil found himself enjoying the loungey vibe in the kitchen despite the boring activity. Maybe it was the energy in the room that was making it enjoyable, or maybe it was the feeling of Dan’s shape looming just behind him that made him want to stay where he was. Regardless, Phil was starting to enjoy being here more. He certainly didn’t hate it. The only downside to being here was trying to win over a girl he didn’t want. This was, unfortunately, the only reason he was here, but Phil would cross those problems when he got to them.   
  


Jess got back as the sun was beginning to set, the rest of the guys avidly following her. It was like the energy in the house immediately shifted and gravitated to her as if she were the sun. Someone had rushed to get Jess a drink, another had went to set up the porch so they could all sit outside, others just went to greet her. Dan and Phil ended up in the greeting committee only due to the fact that they’d trailed the crowd. 

Phil noticed that the room was almost overwhelmingly full, so he hung in the hallway as Dan continued into the room. Phil figured that Dan’d assumed that he’d follow, but in all honestly, Dan should be allowed to come here to do what he had intended to do in the first place. He wanted to win Jess over. If Phil wasn’t going to do it, he wanted Dan to be happy at the end of all of this. It would sting for Phil, but Dan would be happy, and that made it okay.

Phil headed to the now vacated kitchen for a glass of water just to escape the hub. He didn’t like being around infinite people that he didn’t know, even if he was close with Dan and, to an extent, Jess.

Luckily, as anticipated, there was no one in the kitchen, and Phil could regain his bearings. 

As Phil hung out in the tranquil kitchen, he vaguely heard the sound of the other deep voices in the house relocating, heading towards the ever popular evening destination of the porch. Phil was beginning to wonder if they had yet to check out the rest of the house. 

He peered his head around the door, watching as the guys all trickled through the back doorway. He also caught sight of Dan, tight at Jess’s side, and the sight sent a spike of jealousy (that should  _ not _ be there, what the heck?) shooting through him. Phil ducked back into the doorway. He didn’t particularly find himself to be in the mood to participate too much.

If the camera crew asked, he was feeling sick. With plans to retreat early for the night, Phil quietly snuck upstairs to his assigned room, the only place in this house where he didn’t feel overwhelmed to an extent. He figured that some quiet, alone time could only benefit him at this point.

 

Phil could sometimes hear the faint bout of laughter from downstairs, but other than that, the quiet of his room provided a great deal of relief for him. He’d suddenly become very overwhelmed by that entire situation, something he wasn’t entirely sure of. He knew what had sparked the sudden overwhelmed feeling, and that was of course the sight of Dan and Jess together. That shouldn't bother him, seeing as anybody in their right minds could have predicted the outcome of this little situation.

Phil would grow to like someone who couldn’t like him back. Of course he would. That was just how his luck worked. He’d meet someone as interesting and as captivating as Dan, and he’d get lost in adoration and good times and laughs, and he’d get so lost that he’d never find his way out. Dan, meanwhile, would be getting lost in Jess, leaving Phil in his own little maze. Anyone could have seen it coming. 

Phil lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t want to leave, exactly. He wasn’t hating it here. He just didn’t love Jess, and couldn’t see himself doing so, which kind of defeated the entire purpose of being here. Dan, however, probably would end up loving Jess, and that meant that Phil would end up staying at the house, granted he wasn’t eliminated, while Dan danced around with Jess. Phil could think of better things.

He felt like he was in a never ending cycle. He wanted to stay here because of Dan, but he wanted to leave because of why Dan wanted to stay. Dan didn’t want to stay for him. 

After a good while of aimlessly staring at the ceiling, Phil could feel his racing thoughts finally start to slow. His eyelids even began to droop slightly. That was until, of course, a knock at the door disrupted him. Phil groaned as he rose to answer it, his ‘sick face’ ready to convince any waiting cameraman urging he come downstairs. 

When Phil opened the door, he wasn’t met by a cameraman but rather Dan himself, the subject of his many thoughts. He sported a smile of sorts until he saw Phil’s expression, smile immediately dimming. 

“Are you okay?” He asked immediately. Phil nodded, shrugging. 

“Tired.” He chuckled, attempting to dismiss Dan’s wariness. “I was getting a headache down there.” He returned to the depths of his room then, moving to sit back down on the bed. 

“Can I come in and hang out for a bit?” Dan asked, reluctantly taking a step or two into the room. Phil nodded. Dan smiled, stepping further into the room and closing the door behind him before joining Phil on the bed. Phil scooted back, cross legged, and Dan sat in front of him.

“I was looking for you down there.” Dan announced. “I couldn’t find you. I figured I’d try looking up here.”

“You looked in the right place.” Phil smiled. 

“Are you really okay, though?” Dan asked, nudging Phil’s knee with his own just slightly. “You look a little stressed.”

“There’s always stress, I don’t know.” Phil chuckled. “I’m sure I’ll be alright.” Dan shrugged, glancing around at the room. 

“If you’re not, you can tell me.” He finally replied, locking eyes with Phil. “Seriously. Anything. Someone as bright as you shouldn’t ever be so…” Dan gestured with his hands as he searched for a word. “-dim.” That urged a smile from Phil. 

“Okay,” He chuckled. “For real though, I’m okay. It’s just, I don’t know. None of this is my scene and-” He sighed. “I don’t know if me and Jess are really gonna hit it off.”

“Well-” Dan began heavily. “The only thing you can really do is take it day by day. I mean, there’s no sense in stressing about it when you know that nothing can change overnight. She gave you a rose at the first opportunity she could this week, really. That has to be a good sign.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Truth be told, getting a rose was only worrying Phil further. Staying in this game longer meant that he had more of a shot at winning a game he didn’t want to win. It also meant falling for Dan even more than he already had. It had only been a few days, for God’s sake.

“Hey,” Dan interrupted his thoughts, poking at Phil’s temple to regain his attention. “This is completely off topic, but weren’t you saying something about loving music the other day?”

“Yeah,” Phil smiled, grateful for Dan trying to distract him from his own worry. “It’s like, one of my favourite things about existing.”

“What about it specifically, though?” Dan asked. Phil quirked an eyebrow. “It’s different for everyone.” He shrugged. Phil watched as the brunette’s eyes lit up as he thought for a moment. “For example, I like listening to songs really loud so that you can  _ feel _ them. I also like learning them on piano because then you can feel  _ yourself _ playing them. I just like to feel music.” 

Phil could practically  _ see _ how lightened Dan felt from the music after just watching him talk about that. It was mesmerizing to watch Dan talk about anything he was interested in. Phil didn’t think he’d ever grow tired of him talking, to be honest.

“How long have you been playing piano, then?” Phil asked. Dan shrugged with a smile as he thought, leaning further back on the bed and making himself comfortable. He settled so that he was laying on his back, head lying just in front of where Phil was sat cross legged. He looked adorable staring up at the ceiling like that, and Phil tried to limit the adoring look he knew that he was outputting.

“I used to take lessons when I was little.” Dan informed. “I stopped taking them formally, but I kept playing.”

“I don’t have enough coordination to play piano.” Phil laughed.

“Maybe I can teach you one day.” Dan smiled, tilting his head to look up at Phil happily. 

“Maybe.” Phil smiled back. They stayed like that, just smiling at each other for a few seconds before Dan’s smile grew into a grin, and he was talking again. 

“So, what’s your favourite part about music? I told you mine.”

“The sounds.” Phil answered after a moment of thought. “I like the sound of music as opposed to the lyrical side of it. The lyrics are great, and some people love the meaning, but for me it’s just- sort of about how the song sounds as a whole.”

“I get that.” Dan nodded. “I like that.”

“Was that a good answer?”

“A great one.” Dan beamed. “I like talking about things with you. Your answers are always so ‘Phil.”

“What do you mean by ‘so ‘Phil’’?” Phil laughed, settling onto his side so he was partially lying next to Dan, mimicking his position as he struggled to make himself more comfortable.

“I don’t know.” Dan smiled. “They just give me a ‘Phil’ vibe. Like a happy, lighthearted, bright vibe.”

“I’ll take it as a compliment then.” 

“It was a compliment.”

 

It must have been hours since Dan first came knocking on Phil’s door earlier this evening, as the sun had fully set behind the closed blinds and the two had been sprawled across the bed for longer than either of them could remember. 

They lay side by side, Dan’s ankle having snaked around Phil’s, going unnoticed somewhere along in their conversations over the course of the last hour or so. Their arms brushes when they shifted towards each other even slightly, and if they both turned their heads at the same time, Phil became acutely aware of the mere inches separating their faces.

He’d forgotten all about all the others downstairs. He’d forgotten all about Jess, and the rose he’d gotten yesterday, and missing home. Sharing space and time with Dan had flipped his mood straight around, and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt this content. Dan is laughing next to him.

“Your first word was actually ‘light’?” He practically giggled. Phil nodded, smiling over at him. “Oh my god.”

“I wouldn’t stop saying it either.”

“That’s so fitting. Phil Lester. The light of everyone’s life.” Dan replied grandly, smiling fondly at Phil. Phil just rolled his eyes, letting momentary silence fall over them both.

“What’s your last name, by the way? I don’t think you’ve mentioned it.”

“Howell.”

“Spelled like ‘wolf howl’?” Phil asked.

“No,” Dan chuckled. How-well.”

“Oh,” Phil smiled. “Dan Howell’s got a nice ring to it.”

“So does Phil Lester.”

“They probably only let us both on this show because we had names that didn’t suck.” Dan stated. Phil laughed.

“What do you mean?” He asked amusedly. 

“Like, if someone named ‘Raquel Pigsty’ tried out, would you let him on?”

“I wouldn’t cut him because of his name, Dan!” 

“But would the people working for the network cut him? I mean, you know how musicians’ names all sound like they  _ fit _ ? Names have to have a good ring to them.”

“I literally don’t know what you’re talking about anymore.”

“I’m too tired to explain it properly.” Dan laughed, yawning as if on cue. Phil felt a yawn of his own coming on as he watched the brunette. “It’s getting late.” 

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Phil repeated. Dan turned to him and just smiled. 

“I don’t really want to go to bed, though.” 

“Me neither.”

“It’s nice talking to you.” Dan said, twisting onto his side and propping an elbow up to rest on, looking down at Phil, still lying on the bed. Phil smiled. “I feel like you genuinely want to hear what I say, and I genuinely care about what you’re saying back.”

“I second that,” Phil smiled. “I like hearing what you have to say. Hearing your thoughts and opinions on things is really cool.” Dan quirked an eyebrow, looking for Phil to elaborate. “I don’t know. I just really like how your brain works.”

“Thanks,” he replied quietly, Phil noticing in his facial expression that he really did appreciate that compliment. “I’m really glad that I met you here.”

All Phil could see as he looked up at Dan was genuinity in his gaze, mixed in with a happy vibe that neither of them had shaken all evening, not that they’d want to. The atmosphere between them felt almost like a favourite song might feel. It was melodic and comfortable, and Phil didn’t think he ever wanted to lose this feeling.

“I’m really glad that I met you, too.” He replied quietly. “This whole ordeal with the show is a lot to take in at once, and I really am glad that I’ve got someone as great as you to go through it with.”

“Me too.” said Dan. “And hey, by the way, if one of us does get eliminated, we can still be friends, right?” Dan asked. He looked so reluctant and nervous in that moment behind his expression that Phil was almost taken aback. Did Dan not realize how fond Phil was? Clearly he was hiding it better than he’d previously thought.

“Of course.” He said as if it were a fact. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Not that I’d want to.” Dan smiled. “And Jess won’t come between us, right?” 

“Right.”

“I wouldn’t want to put her before you, or vice versa.” Dan sighed. “You have to make sure you tell me if I do it, because I really don’t want to. I don’t know. Friendship is equally as important as-” He stopped himself from rambling, trying to collect his thoughts. “You get what I’m saying?”

“Yeah,” Phil replied quietly. “Yeah, I get it.”

“Okay.” Dan smiled gratefully, settling back down beside Phil, seemingly relaxing once more. “I just don’t want to lose a friend over something as small as a competition like this one.” 

Phil smiled at him, reaching forward to brush a stray strand of Dan’s fringe from where it was beginning to fall into his eyes. He let his hand settle back at his side before inhaling deeply, starting to feel the pull of sleep, fatigue finally catching up to him. Tired or not, Phil couldn’t deny that his mood had drastically improved since Dan first knocked on his door, the happiness still fluttering about in his chest. He looked back to Dan, a small smile worth the world worming it’s way onto his face. 

“You won’t lose me.” 

He hadn’t ever felt so sure about something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hello update next weekend maybe probably hopefully  
> sorry if there are loads of mistakes in this chapter. i don't have enough free time this weekend (like AT ALL) to properly go over it :(  
> anyways hmu on tumblr and twitter for Extra Sidetracked Insight (TM) if ya wanna  
> @phanimist


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek starts to cause shit. There's also a rose ceremony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends i'm back to grace your lovely sunday with my presence!  
> firstly oh my goODNESS the documentaries come out SO SOON  
> secondly, i'm actually really happy that i ended up finishing this chapter because friday night my computer started AGGRESSIVELY BEEPING AT ME for like, no reason (i was so scared because like wtf why should a computer angrily BEEP when you try to turn it on?) and so i googled 'why does my computer keep aggressively beeping at me please help' and google told me that it was a beep code and that my computer was broken :/  
> luckily, my dad lent me his and with the lovely encouraging words of kate (@WorthExcellence on twitter)(thank you btw you're really sweet) i was able to get it done!  
> anyways, that's enough story time for today. hope you like the update! expect another one next sunday!

Phil woke up with a groan, eyes opening immediately to the light streaming in through the open blind. He really should have closed them last night, he realizes, rubbing at his eyes as he moves to sit up. It doesn’t take long for him to notice that Dan is still passed out next to him, curled up in a ball next to where Phil had just been laying.

Dan’s hair was falling in his eyes, arms drawn up around his face, shirt ridden up slightly on his hips, and he was still soundly asleep, chest rising and falling rhythmically. Phil glanced at the clock. It was growing close to eleven now, which was surprising. Phil hadn’t been sure exactly how late they’d stayed up talking last night, but it must have been late if he was waking up at this hour.

Had Dan accidentally fallen asleep here last night? Come to think of it, Phil didn’t remember falling asleep at all. They must’ve passed out mid conversation. He really hopes that his sleep muddled brain didn’t say something stupid.

He didn’t particularly want to wake Dan up, either. He looked very peaceful curled up like that at Phil’s side. When Dan was this still, Phil could see the sprinkling of freckles dotting across his nose and cheeks. They were few and faint, barely there, but Phil could see them. He wondered if they’d look like a constellation if he connected them all.

It was the sound of something crashing downstairs that sent Phil flinching, accidentally elbowing Dan straight in the side. He immediately cringed in guilt as Dan stirred slightly, but was distracted by the second crash that was followed by a few bouts of people raising their voices. Dan began to visibly wake up then, though, which recaptured Phil’s attention. Phil could only curse everyone downstairs.

The brunette made a grunting noise of sorts as he propped himself up onto one elbow, rubbing at his eyes like a toddler might. He looked rather disgruntled too, like he didn’t know where he was. When his gaze finally landed and focused on Phil, Phil was nearly grinning at the sight. Dan caught the accidentally contagious smile.

“What?” He asked, trying not to laugh at the unknown joke. Phil shrugged.

“Dan-In-The-Morning is rather entertaining, I guess.” Phil laughed. Dan opened his mouth to reply before another few raised voices carried through the house, catching their attention.

“That sounds unappealing.” Dan commented.

“Yeah.”

“Speaking of unappealing; Why exactly did you wake me up with a jab at the ribs?”

“Sorry,” Phil nearly giggled. “That was an accident.”

“Did I just accidentally fall asleep in here last night?” Dan asked as he glanced around, sitting up properly on the bed now as he attempted to comb fingers through his messy hair. Phil nodded.

“I guess so,” He sighed, pushing himself off of the bed and over to his still unpacked suitcase. He wondered if it would be even worth it to unpack.

“Let’s hope that the camera crew doesn’t get footage of me coming in here without context,” Dan chuckles. Phil laughs too, but that comment does make him realize that this whole situation was pretty… sketchy… without context. This whole show was fueled on sexual tension and drama. The network needed something to spark interest; Phil really did not want to be that ‘something’. As another few muffled raised voices could be heard downstairs, Phil realized that someone might have already become the centre of attention. Dan met Phil’s eyes with a quirked eyebrow.

“I wonder what that’s about.” He mumbled, rolling off of Phil’s bed and finally getting to his feet. He ran his fingers once more through his hair before starting towards the door. “I’m going to go change, and then we can endeavour to discover what antics lie on the floor below us.”

“Good plan.” Phil replied, pulling out a mostly unwrinkled shirt from his suitcase.

“Thanks for the lovely overnight hospitality of your room, by the way!” Dan called from just outside in the hall. Phil laughed.

“Anytime!” He called back.

 

Once Phil had finally gotten dressed, quickly straightened his hair, and brushed his teeth, he ultimately decided that today was a glasses kind of day. He wasn’t particularly in the mood for contact lenses, despite his glasses not being his most adored feature. No matter, Phil thought. He wasn’t sure what the plan was for today, as he’d gone upstairs way too early to hear the next day’s schedule.

Phil began to head downstairs, planning to meet Dan down there, and he hadn’t even reached the bottom of the stairs before he could tell exactly what the argument was.

Everyone was gathered in the kitchen, there were fragments of a broken plate in the hallway outside, and Derek was sitting up on the counter looking as if he were above everyone else. Phil could hear a few people mumbling, some telling him to get down, but Derek’s eyes had found Phil’s.

“Look who finally woke up! Join the party!” Derek laughed, gesturing at the crowd of unhappy people. “Unless you’re planning to get butthurt like the rest of them.”

“We’re not butthurt, Derek.” Collin argued from the side of the counter. “We’re pissed that you’re being so disrespectful-”

“Me? I’m here to play the fucking game. Why are you here? To hang out and make friends?”

“That’s-”

“Like what, who really wants to be here? I’m the only one with the right intentions. Like him?” Derek points to a brunette to his left. Phil thought his name was Jason. “All you do is crack jokes you think are funny. I think you’re just looking for validation.” He chuckles. His eyes land on Phil, and Phil immediately inhales. “And you. You’re trapped in your own little head, running off with what’s-his-name. The lanky brunette? I don’t even think you’re here for Jess at all.”

“I-” Phil starts. Derek cuts him off.

“You went to bed at seven, didn’t you? That’s a bit earlier than I’d _personally_ deem normal. Why’d your little friend follow you up when Jess was down here?”

As if on cue, Dan entered the room as Derek finished his question, wide eyes paired with quirked eyebrows as everyone immediately stared at him. He looked to Phil, confused, but Phil couldn’t offer him much of an answer.

“And would you look at that! Both Romeo _and_ Juliette have joined us this morning. Now everyone’s here. Jess isn’t though, not that you’re here for her.”

“What the fuck, Derek?” Collin sighed in exasperation, semi stepping between Derek and the two new arrivals that were Dan and Phil. “What are you accusing them of? _Really_ ? You sound like you’re trying to insinuate that they had sex. Are you _really_ gonna stretch that far to throw someone under the bus to save yourself?”

Dan leaned closer to Phil as the other two continued to argue, the others watching quietly.

“What the hell?” He whispered.

“I think Derek invited everyone into a game of Roast Yourself where everyone gets roasted _but_ him.”

“We should have gone back to sleep.” Dan mumbled. Phil laughed.

“What, you’re not a fan of the ‘Romeo and Juliette’ branding we just got stamped with?” Phil replied. Dan rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to reply before a sharp voice cut him off.

“Look, they’re off whispering again! I’m not saying anything, but they haven’t been playing the same game as everyone here this past week. Not once. Everyone thought they were for a really long time, but they never did have Jess in mind.”

“Who says they’re not playing the same game?” Collin snapped back “Maybe their version of the game includes respecting people and _not_ making this a living hell for other people.”

Derek began a snarky reply as Phil felt Dan grab for his wrist, making a move to leave, tugging him backwards towards the door subtly. Phil slipped away as he followed Dan away from the chaos of the kitchen, immediately able to exhale as they fled into the hallway.

“That was a great way to start the morning.”

“Yeah,” Phil mumbled, brow furrowed in stress. He really didn’t want to be singled out all the time. He wanted to be one of the people who got casted and hid in the background. He didn’t want to be called out all the time, much less for spending time with Dan. Derek was beginning to insinuate things, and they hit a little too close to home for Phil.

“I didn’t know you wore glasses.” Dan observed, tilting his head to catch Phil’s downcast eyes. Phil smiled at him as Dan pushed his glasses further up onto his nose teasingly. “I like them.”

“Thanks,” Phil replied. “I don’t wear them often.”

“You should.” said Dan. Phil shrugged. Dan frowned.

“I don’t mind them.” replied Phil. “They’re okay.”

“They’re cute.” Dan insisted, serious expression overtaking his face as he set his mouth in a stubborn line as if completely ready to defend his point.

“Whatever,” Phil mumbled, trying his best to contain the blush creeping up his neck.

 

The rest of the day was spent with the camera and prep crew, everyone getting ready for the rose ceremony that was to be filmed tonight. Dan and Phil both had a rose, and upon sharing a conversation with a few other guys earlier into the day, they learned that only one other guy had succeeded in doing so as well. They counted the certainty of staying as a blessing instead of stressing like the rest of the household’s population seemed to be doing. Well, everyone except for Derek.

As you walked around the house, you would hear the man’s name come up in conversation at least twice as you passed the different rooms. Everybody was either bitching about him or talking shit. There were very few people who were actually on his side.

Phil hadn’t been very involved in the social aspect of this show. He’d been with Dan, mostly, when he wasn’t on his own. Dan, however, had been somewhat involved and had let Phil in on most of what was happening. It was all drama that the two of them were both sure was just the network wanting to keep things interesting. Whatever. Derek would hopefully get sent home soon.

The ceremony tonight would send five guys home. Dan and Phil both knew that they weren’t one of them, but they definitely had a few people whose absence would benefit them.

“Phil, right?”

Phil stopped in his tracks. He’d been on his way to the kitchen for a glass of water, wanting a break from the stress that seemed to be looming through the house today. He turned to meet a somewhat familiar face. He was clearly another contestant, with thick blonde hair and bright eyes. He was stood in the doorway that led to another room. Somewhere in the back of Phil’s head, he registered that the guy’s name was Collin. He’d been the one defending them this morning.

“Yeah.” Phil replied uncertainly.

“Hey, I’m sorry about this morning,” Collin smiled, stepping forwards. “Someone egged him on.”

“It’s fine,” Phil chuckled nervously, threading fingers through his hair awkwardly.

“Someone brought up the fact that you were missing earlier, and he poked at that quite a few times, too.”

“Oh?”

“I just didn’t want you thinking that we’re all behind your back or whatever, you know?” Collin continued. “Most of us are decent guys.”

“Oh. Okay.” Phil replied, somewhat taken aback.

“Plus, if you want to pick and choose who you hangout with around here to make it more enjoyable, that should be your choice.” Collin smiled.

“Thanks,” Phil replied unsurely, not quite sure how to approach the entire situation. “It’s good that someone stands up to Derek, you know?”

“Yeah, for sure.” Collin replied with a nod. “Anyways, hit me up if you need someone to kick his ass for you.”

“Granted he doesn’t get voted off tonight.”

“Right,” Collin grinned. “We can always hope for that. Anyways, I saw Dan jet off into the living room if you were wandering around looking for him. He seemed to be looking for you, too.”

“Really?” Phil asked brightly, cringing at how much more interested and upbeat he’d immediately sounded. He really needed to get better at this whole ‘hiding emotions’ thing. He was in a house full of people who were supposed to be chasing one girl, for God’s sake. He should be trying harder not to stand out as the odd one out who happened to be chasing a cute brunette with really nice eyes.

“Yeah,” Collin chuckled. “See you later?”

“Mhm,” Phil smiled, shooting the other guy a thumbs up before he disappeared awkwardly into the kitchen where he’d been planning to head in the first place.

Phil was beginning to realize that he couldn't hide at all, not when he was so incredibly different from literally everyone else. The others liked to hang out in groups, chatting avidly amongst each other with a drink in their hand. Phil liked to hang out on his own, or in small groups. Or anywhere with Dan. That immediately set him as different, and that immediately shed some of the attention and light onto him. It was like school all over again, he realized. If only he could remember all his old tips and tricks for going by unnoticed.

Phil poured himself a glass of water and was about to raise it to his lips when he felt somebody poking at his side. He squeaked slightly and squirmed away, nearly dropping the entire glass of water, before whipping around to meet a grinning Dan’s happy expression, clearly content with Phil’s reaction.

“I was looking for you,” Dan smiled, leaning up against the counter and leaning even closer to Phil in the process. Phil smiled back.

“So I hear,” He replied. “The entire house seems to have divided into Team Derek, Team Anti Derek, and us.”

“Are we our own team?” Dan laughed.

“Apparently,” Phil answered. “Everyone else seems to think so. This morning with Derek, for example. I don’t know. I ran into Collin and he directed me to you, too.”

“And you didn’t follow his insight to come find me immediately?” Dan pouted. Phil rolled his eyes. “I’m hurt.”

“And _I_ needed a glass of water.” Phil defended, sipping the remnants of his drink and setting it back down against the counter.

“I can’t believe you prioritize water, one of the necessities for life, over me.” Dan scoffed, turning away with a flick of his wrist, one that seemed to infer that he was ‘shooing’ Phil away. Phil caught his wrist and brought him back to stand next to him.

“I just barely did, if it helps.”

“Whatever,” Dan retorted, trying to keep his expression neutral. He struggled with it for a moment or two before breaking out into a smile, chuckling for a moment along with Phil as he seemed to collect his thoughts. “What do you think the odds of Derek going home tonight are?”

“Zero.” Phil sighed. Dan shot him a confused look. “He’s a source of drama. Drama equals entertainment. Do you really think they’d kick him off so early?”

“I dunno,” Dan replied. “What if it is entirely Jess’s choice? Because I doubt she likes him _that_ much.”

“I don’t think she has as much power as we give her credit for,” Phil shrugged.

“I guess we’ll see then,” Dan replied with a heavy sigh, hopping up onto the counter beside where Phil was leaning, immediately brightening up and smiling down at him. “This is a good angle for you, by the way.”

“What do you mean?” Phil laughed.

“The look from above. Bird’s eye view.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah. Your hairline looks good today.” Dan joked, beginning to swing his legs childishly off of the edge of the counter. Phil rolled his eyes.

“Thanks. It’s one of my favourite personal physical attributes.”

“As it should be. I think it’s my second favourite physical attribute of yours.” commented Dan. Phil quirked an eyebrow.

“Second favourite?”

“A close second.” Dan repeated. Phil propped his arm up under his head to shoot Dan an inquiring look.

“What’s the first?” He asked tentatively, not wanting to come across like he wanted the answer as desperately as he did. Dan had a sense of his favourite physical attributes of Phil? Uncalled for, yet greatly appreciated. It gave Phil a false feeling of hope deep in his chest that he’d rather embrace than cast aside. He knew he should cast it aside, as becoming hopeful that Dan would feel the same way would only hurt him later on. Despite knowing this in the back of his head, Phil couldn’t shake the hopefulness away. Instead, he looked back up at Dan’s bright face happily.

“Your eyes, obviously.” He said it like a fact, never breaking eye contact with Phil as his own eyebrows raised in surprise.

“My eyes?”

“Yeah! Are you kidding? Are you unaware of their _ethereal beauty_?”

“Well, until now.” Phil replied, heart fluttering. “I didn’t think they could be described as _ethereal_.”

“They can be.” Dan ensured, hopping down from the counter, scanning Phil’s face cryptically before giving Phil another small smile.

“Thanks.” Phil said quietly, suddenly acutely aware of how tense and quiet the room had gotten. Dan just stared at him for a moment more, smile slipping slowly off of his face as an expression of thought overcame it instead. He was still staring intensely at Phil, like he never really planned to look away, and just when Phil thought that something was going to come of this situation, the door to the kitchen opened abruptly. Dan took a quick step back, as if being caught guilty for doing something.

Phil raised his eyebrows, noticing that Collin and a friend, perhaps Jason, had entered the room. Collin nodded at Phil in greeting. Phil smiled at him before returning his gaze to Dan. Dan gave him one final moment of eye contact, looking like he wanted to say something but was holding himself back, and then nodded, beginning to back out of the room.

“I’ll see you at the rose ceremony, yeah?” Dan asked. Phil smiled.

“Yeah.”

Dan disappeared around the corner, and Phil was forced to meet eyes with Collin and Jason.

“That was odd,” Collin laughed, shrugging. Phil smiled and laughed shortly too, if only to make it seem less awkward. Once Collin had restarted his conversation with Jason, Phil moved to turn away and exit the room.

“Yeah.” He repeated quietly to himself. “That _was_ odd.”

 

Phil was early to the rose ceremony. The camera crew had called him down a little before everyone else to film some promotional shots, where Phil was asked to summarize what he thought would happen tonight. He hoped his answers were the right ones. He’d also been asked about Derek, where he shared his honest opinions, and he was asked about his friendship with Dan. Phil tried to keep that answer strategically short and sweet.

“Finally, how does it feel going into this ceremony with a rose already pinned to your jacket?”

Phil glanced down. He’d almost forgotten about the rose being there.

“It feels good to have a rose already,” He answered slowly, smiling slightly. “It gives me the certainty of having another conversation, another moment, with Jess, and that’s all you can really hope for.”

It was all a lie, of course, but Phil wasn’t about to tell anybody that.

 

When people started to properly file in, they were all directed to stand in three lines, one behind the other. Phil was told to stand to the far left in the back row, seeing as he already had a rose and wouldn’t need to make his way to the front to accept one.

Nearly everyone else was present and set up by the time Dan finally stumbled in, looking rushed but incredibly content.

Phil had seen Dan in a suit jacket once before, the night that they’d both come here, but he hadn't fully appreciated it at the time. It fit Dan well, the colour also  being incredibly complimentary. Phil certainly wouldn’t be complaining if the brunette happened to wear it more often.

Dan immediately searched for Phil and met his eyes, making his way over to them. One of the directors moved to point him to where he’d be standing, but Dan was already squeezing in beside Phil into the correct spot for a rose holder.

“Why so happy?” Phil asked, poking at Dan’s cheek. Dan glanced to his left, making sure that no one else was making a point of listening, and then leaned in to partially whisper an answer.

“I ran into Jess outside as I was coming back from getting ready,” He beamed. Phil’s smile nearly slipped away from him. “We went for a walk, and- She’s just so nice. I think I could really fall for her, you know?”

“Yeah.” Phil replied quietly.

“Like, I came here not knowing if we’d even click. I didn’t know that I’d even grow to like her, but-” Dan sighed happily. “I think I do.”

“I’m happy for you,” Phil replied, still forcing his smile. Dan’s words certainly didn’t sit well with him. Dan withdrew from where he’d leaned in to whisper, smile still present on his face. He did a quick scan of Phil’s features, however, and it slipped away.

“Are you really?” Dan frowned. Phil nodded, averting his gaze as he tried to think of a good ass explanation. _Actually,_ he thought, as his brain produced no ideas, a mediocre one would do just fine.

“Yeah, I mean that’s good. That’s why we’re both here, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…” Dan trailed off, still frowning in thought. “But I don’t want us to get, I don’t know, turned against each other because of that.”

“I’m not going to turn against you,” Phil smiled. He could at least promise Dan that. “I can’t change the fact that we’re quite literally competing for the same girl, but I can tell you that I won’t start hating you anytime soon.”

“I just don’t want to not have you as a friend because this show’s whole concept got caught up between us.” Dan continued. “Are you sure you’re okay? You didn’t look too happy about it when I brought the walk up.”

I’m 100% okay, especially since we talked about it.” Phil ensured, knocking Dan’s shoulder teasingly in hopes to lighten the mood. He really wanted to go back to the lighthearted conversations, seeing as being all deep and truthful about why they were here meant that Phil had to lie about liking and competing for Jess. He really didn’t like lying.

“Okay.” Dan smiled. “You let me know if that changes.”

“Same to you,” Phil replied, still desperately wanting to destroy the intensity of their conversation. “I mean, who else could I talk to about Derek’s really crappy suit jacket?” Phil laughed, tilting his head towards the man who was standing in front of them and a handful of people to the right. Dan looked, and chuckled.

“It looks like it fit him like, three years ago.” Dan replied.

“Maybe he wore it to the prom.”

“The prom he probably didn’t get a date to.”

“Probably brought his cousin.”

“Roasted.” Dan muttered.

Dan and Phil shared a quick high five, chuckling to themselves as the room suddenly got drastically quieter. The host had stepped up to the front of the room, along with a director, and they seemed to be testing mics and camera angles. The ceremony must be starting soon.

Once the actual ceremony started, Phil tried paying attention for the first few minutes to no avail. For the most part, Phil wasn’t particularly engaged throughout the entirety of the evening. He spent more energy relishing in how Dan’s arm brushed against his own sometimes when he inhaled rather than on who was getting a rose and who wasn’t.

“Collin.” The familiar name did catch Phil’s attention though, and Phil watched as Collin stepped forward to accept a rose from Jess accompanied by a hug. He smiled at Collin as the two of them made eye contact afterwards. He was grateful that someone as nice as Collin was sticking around. He seemed to be on Phil’s side.

“William.” Jess smiled. Phil watched as another guy stepped forwards, accepting the rose from Jess, and stepping back into line.

Jess picked up the final rose on the tray, and turned to the crowd of guys, making eye contact with a few of them as she turned it over in her hands. Phil felt Dan exhale heavily next to him and was immediately confused, as Dan wasn’t at risk at all in this. Phil was about to nudge Dan’s shoulder and shoot him a questioning look when he heard Jess take a small breath, and his questions were answered.

“Derek.”

A wave of heaviness seemed to settle over the room. Dan must have been paying attention to the whole ceremony, therefore knowing that the last rose was either going to go to Derek or, hopefully, someone else.

Phil had known, of course, that Derek was going to stay, but it still wasn’t ideal. Phil watched him walk up to Jess with a smile, accept the rose, and then turn around and shoot the other guys in the crowd a smug look. Dan tapped the back of Phil’s hand with his knuckles to catch his attention, and met his gaze with a look that said all that it needed to.

_Damnit. You were right._

Phil smiled sadly before drumming lightly onto the back of Dan’s hand in form of some sort of reply before turning back to the host at the front of the room.

“If you did not get a rose this week, I’m sorry, but you have been eliminated. You may say your goodbyes.” He said, gesturing to the crowd of guys.

A handful of people stepped forwards towards Jess, shaking each other’s hands as they stepped forwards, and Dan only turned to Phil.

“That could have gone worse, technically speaking.” Dan sighed.

“How?” Phil rolled his eyes. “The one person we all want eliminated didn’t get eliminated.”

“You could’ve ended up without a rose,” Dan countered. “That would make it a whole lot worse.” Phil offered Dan a smile.

“Luckily we don’t have to worry about that for a few days,” He replied.

“I think we’re both safe. At least for a little while.”

“Let’s hope so.”

 

Apparently, the night of the rose ceremony, everyone got together and drank alcohol to celebrate. Phil would’ve much preferred to retreat to his room, but he figured that the camera crew wouldn’t even consider letting him do so. Plus, he had to make it at least look like he wanted to spend time with Jess, even if he had to share it with a handful of other guys.

He was currently squished between the arm of the porch’s couch and some guy he didn’t know, Dan sitting on the opposite end of the couch across from him, once again at Jess’s side. When they’d all broken out to go get drinks, he’d practically darted away from Phil to Jess’s side in order to sit with her. Sure, it had stung, but Phil knew that Dan had his own reasons for being here. He had to accept that, so he sat and half paid attention to the conversations floating around the room, taking occasional sips from the beer he’d been mindlessly handled. Things could be worse, he told himself.

When one of the guys, his name might be Curtis, suggested that they all call it a night, Phil was one of the first to stand, agreeing immediately. Dan caught his eye across the group.

“Past your bedtime?”

“One hundred perfect.” Phil replied lightly.

Goodnights were exchanged amongst the group. Phil was even surprised when he got a hug from Jess as he moved to leave, the girl whispering goodnight into his ear and withdrawing from his embrace with a smile. He smiled back. Jess really was a lovely girl, but Phil would much rather befriend her. She was the type of person you’d want to have as a friend.

As Phil climbed the stairs up towards his bedroom, Dan caught up to him, looping an arm around Phil’s waist to slow him down. Phil made a squeaking noise of sorts in the back of his throat in surprise at the gesture, but no sooner had Dan moved away, now completely in stride with Phil once more.

Phil shouldn’t be this much more content with Dan simply at his side. He shouldn’t be catching feelings for him at all, in fact, as Dan was only going to fall for Jess and leave him crushed at the end of the day.

“Here’s to another week of good luck, I suppose.” Dan smiled as they came to stop in front of his door. Phil had to wonder how much different Dan’s idea of luck was from his own. He kind of just wanted to go home. He also wanted Dan to feel the same way towards him, but the very thought of that nearly made him laugh. Dan was here for Jess.

“Fingers crossed,” Phil smiled. “See you tomorrow?” Phil began backing away when Dan caught his wrist to stop him, opening his mouth like he wanted to speak before promptly shutting it. “What?” Phil prompted.

“No, nevermind.” Dan smiled reassuringly, squeezing Phil’s hand once before dropping it. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Phil replied quietly. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Phil.”

Dan stepped into his room and closed the door between them, leaving Phil standing in the hallway outside wondering what he could have possibly wanted to say. As he made the slow walk back to his room still able to feel the ghost of Dan’s hand in his own, he wondered how much longer he’d be able to live with the feelings beginning to brew in his chest whenever he even thought about Dan.

Okay yeah, so he wasn’t totally straight. One of the only pros to this entire situation was that he’d 100% figured that out. After getting ready for and finally settling into bed, Phil lay awake that night thinking of all the possible things that Dan could have said back in the hallway. Most of the possibilities led to false hope; hope he wasn’t sure he wanted to stick around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always you can hmu on twitter or tumblr @phanimist if ya wanna drop in to say hi :)  
> thanks again to kate for being so lovely while i was getting this chapter done! it means a lot!  
> update next sunday. things are going to start ~happening~ very very soon so staaay tuuuneeeedddd ;)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello it's a miracle that i got this up because i had 1.2k words written yesterday. don't tell anyone. also this is probably unedited but don't @ me  
> happy thanksgiving to all my fellow canadian friends out there :) hope your weekend is full of gravy. gravy is so good. i'm thankful for all of your nice comments and such x  
> hope you like the update, my dudes. things are hAppEniNg!

Phil cringed as he threw the basketball towards the net, the shot missing by a good metre. A few guys snickered behind him. This was not at all how he wanted his day to be going, yet here he was, stuck on a sports related group date, without Dan.

When Phil had read the date card this morning, informing him that he’d be going on a group date with Derek, among other people, he’d been less than happy. At least Collin was on the group date too. He could keep up part of a conversation.

“Sports aren’t really your thing, huh?” Jess asked, wrapping an arm around his waist from behind as Phil once again missed his shot. They were supposed to be seeing who could hit ten shots in a row first, the winner earning more alone time with Jess, and Phil hadn’t even considered the idea of him winning. It just wasn’t going to happen.

“Not really, no.” He replied quietly, shooting Jess an attempt at a smile as he moved to retrieve his ball to try again. Jess laughed, pulling him into a mostly one sided hug that she probably figured was encouraging. 

“You can do it. I know you’ve got it in you somewhere.” 

“Thanks.” Phil replied. With that, Jess moved onto the next person and Phil could finally exhale once more. 

 

When they finally began to head home, Phil was more than relieved. Collin had actually ended up winning the challenge, which was far better than Derek winning it. At least Collin wouldn’t rub it in people’s faces or trot around the house full of arrogance. 

When back at the house, the first thing that Phil wanted to do was fall into bed. It was only late afternoon, but any amount of physical exertion whatsoever was enough to tire Phil out. He’d only just started to move towards the stairs that led up to his room, in hopes of catching a quick nap, when a pair of arms trapped him from behind. 

“Hi Dan.” Phil laughed, predicting that the brunette was the only logical answer for who could be hugging him. In answer, Dan squeezed him tighter.

“This house is so  _ boring _ when you’re gone.” He groaned. “You should have smuggled me along. Or stayed back.”

“Right,” Phil laughed as Dan withdrew his arms, turning around in the partial embrace. “Trust me when I say that I wish that’d been possible.”

“That bad?”

“The date was sports themed.” Phil sighed. Dan made a noise of disgust. 

“Was any part of it particularly enjoyable?” He inquired. Phil shrugged, beginning to head up the stairs. Dan followed him.

“Not  _ particularly _ .” Phil replied, copying Dan’s choice in words. It earned a quiet exhale of breath as a substitution for laughter from Dan behind him. “I got a hug of sympathy from Jess. Does that count?”

Suddenly, Dan was hugging him from behind again despite the fact that they were both in the middle of a staircase. Phil laughed despite the butterflies thrashing around in his stomach. He’d gotten used to them by now. 

“I don’t think it counts, seeing as I probably give better hugs than she does.”

“Source?” Phil teased, prying Dan’s hands away from him so that they could properly continue up the stairs. They could continue this sudden physical affection all they wanted once they were properly away from even the possibility of cameras. Dan scoffed, mock offended, as he continued to follow Phil up the stairs.

Phil headed straight to his room, not surprised at all when Dan followed. He was glad that the brunette had run into him, seeing as any time spent with Dan was automatically more enjoyable. Phil threw himself onto the bed, Dan chuckling slightly as he sat at the foot of it after closing the door behind him. Neither of them particularly wanted Derek poking his head in.

“That tired, huh?” Dan mused, smiling down at Phil. Phil groaned. 

“I had to do exercise, Dan. I don’t think you understand.”

“At least you  _ got _ a date this week.” Dan sighed. Phil frowned, sitting up.

This week, there’d been three dates: two individual dates, and one group date. Someone named Curtis had gotten the first individual date, and Phil had been one in the handful of guys to get on the group date. Getting a date this week meant that he was in good shape, but Dan had yet to get one.

“You could still get the last one on one date, and even then, Jess knows you pretty well.”

“I know,” Dan muttered. “I just worry.”

“Worrying accomplishes nothing.”

“I know that, too.” Dan smiled at Phil. Phil shrugged as he made a move to properly sit up, crossing his legs. Dan brought both of his hands forward to tap a beat onto Phil’s knees with his fingers to fill the momentary silence.

Phil liked this. He liked how even silence was comfortable. Nothing felt forced with Dan.

“What if I don’t get the last date?”

“What if you stop worrying?” Phil replied, mimicking Dan’s tone of voice. Dan rolled his eyes.

“It doesn’t  _ work _ that way.” 

“What if I distracted you?” Phil suggested, a bright smile lighting up his face. Dan caught the smile instantly, as if it were contagious. 

“And how would you do that?”

“I dunno yet. I could tell a joke, maybe.”

“A joke.”

“Yeah!” Phil grinned. “Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?” Dan stared blankly at Phil, clearly trying to contain his smile as he sighed.

“I don’t know, why?” He deadpanned.

“Because he was _ too far out, man _ .” Phil replied, forming the ‘rock on’ sign with his hand as he waved it slightly for effect. Dan’s smile grew despite the fact that he was trying to upkeep his ‘unimpressed’ facade.

“You’re not funny.”

“You think I’m funny.”

“No I don’t.”

“I can tell that you’re trying not to laugh.” Phil prodded, leaning forward to rest his chin on both of his propped arms. He stared at Dan for a moment or two before the younger finally cracked, letting out a quiet laugh.

“See, this is why I worry about not getting a rose.” He sighed, eyes flitting around the room.

“What do you mean?” Phil frowned.

“If I get kicked off I’ll miss your stupid jokes too much.” He replied sadly, reaching for one of Phil’s hands that were resting limply at his sides. He turned Phil’s palm over in his own hands a few times, clearly just looking to fiddle with something as a nervous outlet or a way to cut through the tension in the air. 

“You won’t be able to get rid of my jokes that easily, Dan.” Phil reassured. Dan gave him a small thankful, smile.

“I hope not.” He replied. 

Dan continued to hold Phil’s hand in his own as they sat cross legged in silence, clearly content with just being in the other’s presence. Being on ‘The Bachelorette’ definitely had a lot of moments where far too much was going on at once, so both Dan and Phil were grateful for quiet moments like these. It was nice to just sit and not have to think for a while.

Well, Phil didn’t  _ have _ to think, but that didn’t mean that he was going to stop. It was moments like these where he grew increasingly aware of the limited space between him and Dan and the words they exchanged. He couldn’t help but realize that the way they acted with each other wasn’t what he’d deem completely platonic, nor was it romantic. He didn’t know quite where to place it. All he knew was that Dan showing him any sort of affection whatsoever was only fueling the fire of emotion beneath Phil’s rib cage.

 

They ended up missing dinner. Long, drawn out conversations were quickly lost with the time as both Dan and Phil felt the rumble in their stomachs around ten at night. 

“Do you think everyone is still up drinking?” Dan asked, descending the stairs just in front of Phil. They’d agreed to go make dinner, knowing that they both wanted and needed a meal. Dan had suggested pasta. Phil wondered if there was any that they could cook.

“I mean, probably.” Phil replied, skipping the last stair to stay on Dan’s heels. “I’m not a big fan of alcohol, personally.”

“Mm in the same boat,” Dan mumbled, reaching the kitchen and moving to scour the cupboards for some pasta. Phil checked the cupboards on the opposite side of the room. He came up short. “Alcohol is fun and good, but I’m not the biggest of fans.”

“Relatable.” Phil replied. “Did you find any?”

“Pasta? Yeah. I’m deciding between spaghetti or those tube ones.” 

“Tube ones?” Phil asked, sliding across the room to peek over Dan’s shoulder, crowding closer to the younger as he gazed at the two packages of pasta in his hands. “I like those.”

Dan turned to face him, and their faces were two inches apart, maybe not even. Phil showed a great deal of restraint when he didn’t look down at Dan’s lips.

“Do you now” Dan asked, smile growing. “Tubes it is then.”

 

Their makeshift pasta dinner was over far too quickly for Phil’s liking, as by eleven thirty at night Dan had let out the first yawn of the evening, Phil immediately following suit with a yawn of his own. They were sat side by side at the table in the dimly lit room, the only light source trickling in from the hallway. They hadn’t bothered to turn the lights on in here. Phil kept sneaking looks at the way shadows cascaded off of Dan’s face, and it was a miracle that the brunette had yet to catch him.

“We should probably go to bed.” Dan sighed, pushing back from his spot at the table to dispose of his plate. Phil followed him silently, not quite wanting to agree. He’d much rather stay up all night with Dan, but knew that there was another possible one on one date tomorrow. Dan probably wanted to be well rested on chance that he got picked for it. 

Dan turned back to Phil once he’d set his plate against the counter, and yawned once more. “Tired?” Dan asked. Phil nodded slightly, stretching his arms above his head. His heart nearly skipped a beat when Dan’s gaze flicked downwards at the newly exposed strip of skin on his stomach before Phil lowered his arms. Dan’s eyes snapped back up, and Phil pretended not to notice.

“Yeah.” He mumbled, turning to stack his plate on top of Dan’s. He felt the warm pair of arms wrap him up from behind for what felt like the thousandth time today, not that Phil was complaining, and it immediately lured the smile back onto his face.

Dan didn’t say anything though, not once Phil placed a hand overtop of where Dan’s was placed to reassure him. They just stood there in the dimly lit kitchen, filled with a comfortable silence, as Phil tried to calm his heartbeat in fear that Dan could hear it.

“We should probably go to bed.” Dan finally repeated after what felt like an eternity. He retraced his arms from around Phil.

“Yeah.” Phil repeated in response.

They trudged up the stairs in silence, not wanting to wake anyone else up, before they came to stop at Dan’s door, Phil’s being further down on the floor.

“I take it that we’re not accidentally falling asleep in the same room again tonight then, are we?” Phil joked, his voice falling to the quietest of whispers. Dan heard him regardless.

“I mean, we could.” Dan replied, voice so quiet that Phil couldn’t read his tone of voice, therefore not knowing just how sarcastic or genuine the words might have sounded. He simply smiled instead, laughing quietly.

“Goodnight, Dan.” said Phil. Dan gave an incredibly small smile.

“Night.” He replied. Phil repeated yet another smile before turning and heading towards his own room, noticing the way Dan seemed rather reluctant to slip away into his own room as Phil. Only when Phil reached his own door did he hear Dan’s shut.

Phil pretends that he isn’t overthinking it.

 

When Phil wakes up the next morning, it’s early, and not by choice. They’ve got to film the card reading for the last date of the week, meaning everybody had to be there. Phil knew that his name wouldn’t be on the card, at least. That was the bonus. No need to stress about pretending to be incredibly fond of Jess for a day. He wouldn’t be able to pull that off, even if he were in a good mood.

Phil wasn’t actually particularly sure why he wasn’t in a good mood, but it was probably because Dan actually wanted to get the individual date today. Phil didn’t think that his friend had talked to the girl even once this week, and he was probably itching to do so. That felt unsettling in his stomach.

Just when Phil thought that the two of them were getting somewhere, Dan would go running back after Jess. Just when he’d get his hopes up, they’d come crashing down once he saw Dan chasing something he didn’t want him to have. Phil knew that he should respect whatever made Dan happiest, but he could still wish that the thing to make him happiest would be himself.

Maybe it was just Phil missing all the hugs Dan had given him yesterday, and wasn’t that sad?

He was downstairs, changed into nice clothes and ready for filming, in under twenty minutes. That was impressive. He wasn’t even the last one downstairs, despite his unwillingness to be there. Dan wasn’t down yet, either, so Phil had to sit on the couch pinned between two people that he’d never really spoken to while he looked like he was engaged in the conversation.

Most people in the house had clearly grown to realize that Phil wasn’t one to participate much in group conversations. He was more of a ‘watcher’, so to speak. His other reputation was the guy who kept hanging out with only Dan, and he hoped that people didn’t read into that one too much.

Dan was one of the last ones in. By then, the couches were full, so him and another guy had to stand behind the furniture as the camera guys finally started to properly set their angles up. Dan ended up leaning over the back of the couch where Phil was seated.

“Hey,” Phil greeted quietly, tilting his head backwards to look up at Dan. Dan smiled down at him.

“Hi.”

“Dunno why he didn’t choose to sit in your fucking lap,” The guy next to Phil mumbled. Phil pretended not to hear him, but he did turn away from Dan subconsciously. Luckily, it happened to be exactly when the host of the show walked in, date card in hand. A sense of excitement filled the room, supplied by everyone except for Phil.

“Alright gentlemen, it’s the last date card of the week, and that means that only one more guy gets a shot at a date before this week’s rose ceremony.” He clapped his hands together excitedly as he dropped the card on the table. “I hope to see you all there, but for now, I leave you with this.”

A few guys called thank you as he got out of the room, but most just turned to the table excitedly. It was the guy sitting next to Phil who stood up to retreive it, positioning himself in front of the room to read it to the group. Phil was pleasantly surprised when Dan filled the empty seat next to him, shooting him a smile that Phil could detect some nervousness in. He shot the brunette what he hoped was a reassuring expression.

The thing was, Phil didn’t really want Dan falling for Jess at all, but if Dan didn’t get this date, then the odds of him being sent home this week were a lot higher than he’d like. Sure, Phil didn’t have a rose either, but at least he’d gotten a date. There was also the concern that Dan might not even get a rose on the date, meaning he’d be sent home immediately without so much as a goodbye. All in all, Phil was slightly concerned for many reasons, some of them being things like concerns for Dan’s happiness, while others were more of a selfish concern. 

“Alright,” The guy at the front of the room began, opening the card. He read it once over before reading it out loud, and Phil was hyperaware of every breath Dan took next to him.

“Curtis,” He read. “Let’s get things rolling. Love, Jess.”

Curtis smiled as a few other guys clapped him on the back. Phil felt Dan physically deflate next to him and turned to shoot him a look. Dan met his eyes somewhat reluctantly, offering him a smile of ‘what can you do?’ before turning back to watch Curtis read the card over again. Phil nudged his shoulder to recapture his attention. He didn’t have to say anything, and didn’t really change his expression much either, but Dan seemed to get the general message, shooting a thankful smile back at Phil for the comfort. They watched as Curtis left the room, cameras trailing him, and that’s when people finally started to disband. They had the day to themselves in the house, after all, so they might as well find something to occupy their time. Luckily, Phil’s favourite way of passing time happened to be a conversation with the person next to him, no matter the topic they chose.

“That fucking sucks,” Dan sighed once most people had cleared the room. The two of them were still sat on the couch. Phil crossed his legs and turned to Dan. The brunette opened his mouth to speak again, but instead opted to shut it and merely pout. Phil frowned.

“Maybe a little,” Phil offered. “I mean, now you’re stuck with me all day.”

“That’s a pro to this situation.” Dan sighed. He didn’t elaborate, and Phil didn’t know how to take the statement, so he merely continued.

“Unfortunately there aren’t too many things to actually do around here,” Phil sighed. 

“Talking to you is fun enough.” Dan supplied. “We could also go workout with the guys. You know, do some pull-ups? Crunches? Planks?” He was kidding. Phil rolled his eyes.

“Yeah. Right.”

“We’d be fit af.” Dan sighed, leaning back in the chair. “Unfortunately I’d rather be lazy.”

“That makes two of us.”

“We could go swimming, though.” Dan suggested, sitting up a little. “That could be fun.”

“Swimming with a bunch of guys who have most of their mass taken up by muscle? My self esteem literally couldn’t handle that.” said Phil, chuckling slightly to diffuse the lack of self esteem that had somehow trickled into the statement. 

“No way. You’re probably really fit.” Dan insisted.

“Not really.” Phil replied.

“Really,” Dan pressed. “I bet you’re secretly a body builder who’s just being modest.”

“Oooooooor I’m a lazy guy who prefers video games to sunlight. I think the latter is more accurate.”

“You’re probably fit regardless.”

“Right.” Phil brushed all of Dan’s words right off of his shoulders. Or he tried to. Dan was once again making his heart beat like crazy, and he really should be trying to get a hold of that by now. Momentary silence settled over both of them, and it felt like it was going to draw out unless Phil cut it off. “What should we do today besides swimming?”

“I don’t know,” Dan laughed. “We could go start drama.”

“That will likely be done for us.” Phil supplied. Dan shrugged.

Phil, in all honestly, could probably sit on this couch all day with Dan in dead silence and he’d end the day on a happy note. It was getting to be a bit concerning, the degree in which he seemed to be fond of Dan, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop nor slow the process of falling deeper into the pit of feelings he’d dug. With every look that Dan shot in his direction, a part of Phil would whisper that there was hope. Maybe Dan did have feelings for him. All those hugs, the smiles, the jokes, and the laughs, and the time they spent together made so much sense with that context. The hope was what kept him going. 

 

The  day is spent mostly indoors. Most of the guys were outside, Phil had realized, and Dan and him had occupied a small amount of their day peering out through the window and watching them have a push up competition. That had resulted in quite a few laughs. They’d also played checkers, a game that Dan had found under the coffee table in the living room. Dan had lost, and Phil couldn’t help but love how extra Dan had been about the whole ordeal.

“Dan-” He’d started, cut off by a laugh upon seeing Dan’s growing pout. The younger merely swept all of the checker pieces into the box and began to fold up the board. Dan didn’t answer. He continued to sulk and put the game away in silence. Phil almost audibly sighed, willing the other to at least reply. He didn’t, so Phil took Dan’s wrists and stopped him from cleaning the game up momentarily. Dan’s eyes shot up to meet Phil’s and they both seemed to freeze, previous set priorities gone out the window. 

Phil suddenly couldn’t remember why he’d wanted to catch Dan’s attention in the first place, as now he was sat very close to Dan, holding his wrists, and staring back at the other with no plan or escape route. Phil opened his mouth, hoping some magical words would come out and save him, but he ended up shutting it promptly afterwards. Dan’s expression was unchanging and neutral, but he seemed to be acting like a deer caught in headlights as much as Phil was.

_ Maybe he likes you too. _

The nagging voice was back, which meant that Phil had to hide from it again. Dan seemed to shift forwards ever so slightly, just enough for Phil to notice, before Phil averted his eyes and dropped Dan’s hands. “Do you want to go eat lunch?” He said instead, the alarms in his head going off. Why had Dan leaned it? Why couldn’t he have done that a second sooner,  _ before _ Phil had set his sights on fleeing the scene? Dan rebounded as if nothing ever happened.

“Sure,” Dan replied, quickly tidying the remnants of their board game and sliding the box back under the table. “I didn’t eat much breakfast this morning. Too nervous.”

Phil sighed.

“But it’s the most important meal of the day!” He explained, trying to seem upbeat about its importance. Dan smiled, but rolled his eyes.

“Breakfast is like, my least favourite meal of the day.” He stated as he got up and started to head towards the kitchen, presumably. Phil followed him.

“Why’s that?”

“I dunno, I just feel like there’s less options.”

“I wouldn’t know, as cereal is enough for me.”

“But like, the concept of cereal is so baffling, too,” Dan started, sitting at one of the stools near the kitchen island. Phil leaned over the countertop beside him. “Like, we eat cereal every day for breakfast. That’s it’s purpose. What if you had like, one purpose that you had to stick to? Wouldn’t you want to mix that up a little so you’re not doing the same thing day in and day out?”

“Are we still talking about cereal?” Phil asked to clarify, frowning. Dan laughed.

“Among multiple contexts and metaphors, yes.”

“Right. Is that why you’re here then?” 

“What do you mean?” Dan asked. Phil shrugged.

“I don’t know. Is that why you applied for ‘The Bachelorette’? To mix things up?” He continued. Dan raised his eyebrows, clearly surprised by either the question or Phil’s immediate understanding of the metaphor.

“I’m here among other reasons,” He replied slowly, seeming to map out how he should continue. “But yeah. That’s one of them.”

“What are the others?” Phil prodded. Dan seemed to stiffen, but Phil wasn’t sure whether he’d imagined it or not. 

“Unsuccessful revelations.” Dan stated vaguely. Phil raised his eyebrows, willing him to continue. Dan sighed. “To summarize, I wanted to prove something to myself.”

“And did you?” Phil asked. Dan was looking at the ground, and Phil wanted nothing more than to read his mind. His eyes seemed to be tracing the outlines of the kitchen tiles, and Phil knew that he probably shouldn’t be staring.

When Dan looked up at him wordlessly, a thousand questions on the tip of his tongue, Phil could only stare back. 

“Quite the opposite.” said Dan after a moment or two, smiling somewhat sadly at Phil.

“Oh,” Was all that Phil could manage. What was that supposed to mean? Dan gave a small laugh.

“But anyways, lunch.”

“Right.” Phil replied. “Lunch. What do you suggest we make?”

“I really miss homemade grilled cheese.” Dan stated.

“I don’t like cheese.” Phil replied, laughing when Dan’s eyes instantly widened.

“What the fuck do you  _ mean _ you don’t like cheese? Who doesn’t like  _ cheese _ !?” 

“Me, apparently.” Phil chuckled. Dan gaped at him for a moment more before he began to smile.

“You bring many surprises with you, so it seems.”

Phil didn’t know what he meant by that exactly, but he didn’t ask. He laughed it off instead.

 

By the time Jess and Curtis finally get back around dinner, Dan seems to have shaken all of his disappointment and worry away. It’s when Jess finally does rejoin the story that he starts to get flustered and evidently nervous, so it’s Phil’s idea to lead them outside to eat on the garden swing behind the house.

“I just really don’t want to leave,” Dan had explained. “I want to make her like me, and I don’t know how to.” 

Phil shrugged. “She seems to like you a lot.” 

“How are you coming across as so calm?” Dan asked. “You seem totally unfazed about the whole ordeal. How aren’t you worrying?”

In all honestly, Phil wasn’t into Jess in the slightest. She was nice, yeah, but he didn’t feel connected to her.

“It’s easier not to think about it?” Phil answers, his reply coming out as a question. He hopes that Dan doesn’t will him to continue. He doesn’t.

“I still wish I could have gone on the date.” Dan states. Phil frowns. “Then I wouldn’t feel so in the dark and out of control about the rose ceremony tomorrow.”

Phil just listened to what his friend had to say. He didn’t feel like he could provide any valuable advice nor comfort.

“I don’t like not being in control of things.” The brunette smiled. Phil smiled back.

“I get that.”

Dan just looked at him, as if wanting to say something but not really knowing what that ‘something’ was. Phil returned the gaze.

“Thank you, by the way.” Dan finally said. “For today. Keeping my mind off of it.”

“It’s nothing, Dan. I had a good day, too.”

“It’s more than nothing though,” Dan smiled sadly. “I’m glad I didn’t worry all day, which is thanks to your consistent positivity-” Phil smiled as Dan gave him a sideways look and a grin, “but I really don’t want to be eliminated and have to leave.”

He paused.

“I don’t want to leave you.”

Phil kind of wanted to run and hide. He kind of wanted to smile. He kind of wanted to kiss him, but instead he just shot Dan a smile.

“I don’t want to leave you either,” He chuckled, looking to difuse the statement. “And luckily we don’t have to face that possibility until tomorrow.”

“It looms, unfortunately.”

“Yeah.”

They continued to sway back and forth on the garden swing they were sharing, empty plates sitting in the grass at their feet as they sat in comfortable silence, letting the fresh evening air relax them. They could deal with tomorrow when it came. For now, Phil was content to sit and enjoy time with Dan in the odd chance he wouldn’t be able to have much more of it.

 

Phil wouldn’t have wanted the one on one date with Jess had it been given to him. With the day spent with Dan under his belt, Phil felt more hopeful than ever that the other harboured secret feelings as well. It was enough to dwell on as he lay in bed that night, sleep luring him in.

 

When the rose ceremony came tomorrow, Dan was stood in the row behind him. It was a pity, too, as Phil would have liked to look at Dan in a suit more. It really did fit him well, even if he wouldn’t admit it out loud.

He was beyond nervous. He could also sense Dan fidgeting nervously behind him, as Phil was always hyper aware of where the other was as of late.

When Jess came into the room to start her spiel about love, Phil started to get distracted by little things like the strand of hair escaping from her braid and the hand that had accidentally brushed against Phil’s arm. Maybe it’d been Dan’s. 

When Jess started to call people up to receive roses? That’s when he got nervous.

Derek was the first name that she called, too. That wasn’t reassuring.

Dan got called to receive a rose halfway through the pack. Phil heard his exhale of relief.

“Dan, do you accept this rose?” Jess had asked. Phil heard Dan mutter an ‘of course’, before the two of them were sharing a hug, and Dan was on his way back, trying to stifle a grin. Phil smiled at him when they made eye contact, and was certain that he flushed bright red when Dan’s hand came to rest reassuringly at the small of his back, finger tracing small circles where it lay. Phil allowed himself to bask in the feeling of Dan being so close in a comforting way until he was snapped out of his thoughts by his own name being called. He stepped forwards and smiled.

“Phil, do you accept this rose?”

Phil nodded. Jess pinned it to his jacket with a smile and a hug.

He wasn’t sure where his emotions lay in regards to this rose, but he knew that he wasn’t saying yes to Jess. He was saying yes to having another week spent with the boy who grinned happily at him as he walked back to his place in line, the brunette who returned the hand to the small of his back when Phil was once again standing in front of him. He was saying yes to the hug Dan gave him once the ceremony was over, and the fluttering heart that immediately went wild in his chest.

He wasn’t here for Jess, or for anything that was associated with ‘The Bachelorette’. Somehow, regardless of this fact, Phil was happy to bask in the feeling of having a rose, and therefore more time to spend with Dan, even if deep down he knew that it might come back to bite him in the ass.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're not ready.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you're welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! suuuuper duper long update this week. next week's update might be a little bit shorter (like 3k? maybe?) but i sincerely hope that the length/content of this chapter makes up for it :)  
> happy 7 years of HELLO INTERNET., by the way! i'm just a liiiitle soft for dan.  
> i hope that you guys like the update, as i was having a mild confidence-in-my-ability-crisis towards the end of writing it. despite this, i'm happy with the chapter and i hope that you are too!  
> oh, and as mentioned in the chapter summary, you're welcome.

 

“I never once wanted her,” Dan breathed, his words like an exhale of breath against Phil’s neck. He let out a noise of sorts as Dan kissed along his jaw, Phil feeling the smile lingering on his lips. 

They were sat in Phil’s bed again, like they’d done countless times before, but instead of talking mindlessly for hours, Phil’s lips were bright red and raw from what felt like hours of kissing Dan, wrapped around each other with smiles never leaving their faces. 

All Phil could feel was Dan. Feel hands wrapped around his waist, soft skin against his own. He could only see and hear and think about one thing.  _ Dan _ .

“I only want  _ you. _ ”

Phil woke up with a start at the sound of someone knocking on his dorr, nearly immediately bolting straight up in bed only to run a hand through his hair as he caught his breath from kisses that weren’t really there. Fuck.  _ Fuck.  _

The knocking that had woken him up continued at his door. Phil had to glance around again to regain his bearings. Of course Dan hadn’t really been there. Would that actually happen? No way in hell. 

He couldn’t pinpoint where the dread in his stomach was stemmed from.

“Who is it?” He asked meekly, trying to keep his voice even.

“It’s your _ favourite _ person!” The voice that belonged to Dan replied brightly from the other side of the door. Phil sighed. Of course it was Dan; who else would it be?

“Says who?” Phil countered, despite the statement being entirely true. He heard Dan chuckle from the other side of the door.

“Me,” Dan laughed. “Get your ass out of bed.”

Phil sighed, making his way over to the door and opening it for Dan. Only when Dan’s eyes immediately jumped to his bare chest in lieu of starting another conversation did Phil remember that he’d taken his shirt off in the middle of the night, the temperature having been unreasonably high. He flushed immediately, and turned to retrieve the shirt from the floor.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Phil asked awkwardly once he was dressed. Dan looked at him squarely before snapping back into his thoughts, brain clearly muddled. 

“Um, right.” He said. “There’s a date card thing downstairs. Soon. I figured I should wake you up.”

“Right. Thanks.” Phil replied equally as awkwardly. Dan nodded once, holding eye contact with Phil before returning his gaze to the ground.

“I’ll meet you downstairs, yeah?” 

“Okay,” Phil complied. Dan nodded again, turning on his heel and down the hallway. Phil closed the door and leaned back against it, letting out a heavy breath.  _ Fuck.  _ Dan was going to be the fucking  _ death  _ of him.

Phil slipped a plain white t-shirt on, accompanied by jeans and his glasses. He did it without the thought of Dan leaving his head once. Phil didn’t know how he was supposed to survive a day with him today. The atmosphere between them and in his head was way more tense than usual, especially due to the way Phil had woken up.

If he really thought about it, he could almost remember the way Dan’s lips had felt against his own in the dream. He could almost feel what it would feel like were it to really happen.

When Phil finally made it to the living room, he forced himself to get a grip. He was essentially the last one into the room, and he noticed that Dan had deliberately saved him a spot on the couch to his left. Phil sat down after shooting him a meek smile, and where their legs brushed against each other it burned. Neither of them started a conversation despite the talking going on around them. You could cut the air with a knife. 

When Phil snuck a glance at Dan, away from the floor, Dan looked up at him at the exact same time. Before either of them could do anything else, the host walked into the room, and their attention was diverted.  _ Thank God for that, _ Phil thought, sighing as he set back on the couch.

“So, gentlemen, new game plan this week. Two dates. One of each.” The host smiles, dropping the card onto the table without any further word. He walks out. Phil chuckles. No beating around the bush today, he supposes. 

It’s Derek who gets up to read the card once the host is out of the room. He opens it, and immediately raises his eyebrows. Phil leans forwards in his chair, and he feels Dan exhale at his side. The room suddenly goes still when Derek reads the card out loud.

“Phil.” He says. “A picture is worth a thousand words. Love, Jess.”

All eyes turned to him, including Dan’s, and his were the only pair of eyes Phil couldn’t picture himself meeting. Instead, he looked back at Derek. He tossed the card in Phil’s direction, but it nearly hit Dan. Dan handed it to Phil. Phil took it from him, opened it, and sure enough his name was there, written in ink. He had a one on one date. Today. As in now. 

A camera man was waving at him from the doorway, urging him outside. Phil forced a smile onto his face once he saw the red recording light, pushing himself up from the couch. The room was still quiet until Collin spoke up. “Have fun, bud.”

“Yeah.” “Atta boy.” “Nice catch.”

The words all blended together. It was the lack of Dan’s voice that he caught. He didn’t say a word. Phil smiled at the room of guys who were all bidding him farewell, only out of respect, probably, and he briefly met Dan’s eye. 

On the bright side, Phil would be able to spend the day hiding from the tension and the million unsaid words between the two of them. Dan and Phil didn’t so much as smile at each other before Phil left, the look and the thoughts behind it being enough.

On the not so bright side, Phil had all attention on him today. He had to sell the fact that he was falling in love with Jess when he was as far from it as could possibly be. He could also fail to get a rose today, meaning that he’d be sent home immediately. That would also suck. Probably.

Jess was leaning over a light blue convertible car, wearing a very casual outfit of jeans and a flannel. Phil smiled at her and opened his arms for a hug, grinning when she fell against him happily. Phil tried not to look directly at the camera. Jess wasn’t as warm as Dan.

“Ready to go?” She asked, barely leaning back enough to look him in the eye. 

“Go where, exactly?” Phil asked, laughing slightly. Jess just gave him a bright look. 

“I don’t know if you’ll like it yet.” She admitted. “But when they gave me this date option I thought of you.”

“I already like it,” Phil smiled. Jess’s eyes lit up. 

“Then we better hit the road,” She replied, taking Phil’s arm as they walked towards the car. Phil could hear the steps of the camera man behind him.

He might actually find it in him to enjoy today if it weren’t all being filmed, making him hyper aware of every move.

 

They ended up at an art festival downtown, most of the attractions indoors while the odd one was outdoors. Jess and Phil spent the afternoon wandering the streets, visiting each place as they talked. 

“I can’t quite tell what this one looks like,” Jess laughed, going up on her tiptoes to try looking at the painting from another angle.

“Maybe you’re just so short that you can’t see it from down there,” Phil replied, eyes still trained on the painting. He could still feel Jess glaring at him, secretly withholding a grin at Phil’s little quip. Phil’s own smirk grew until Jess was knocking into his shoulder roughly in response to the teasing. “But seriously, I think it’s just abstract.”

“Even abstract looks like something, though.” Jess replied. Phil looked over at her, and could almost see the gears turning in her head.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked, furrowing his eyebrows. Jess shrugged.

“Everything has a meaning. You just have to read into it.”

Phil’s life had a lot of things he needed to ‘read into’ lately. He wasn’t fond of doing it yet again for a painting. Thinking of reading into things more than he needed to made him think of Dan, which he had really been trying not to do today as it got him lost in his own head. He had to remind himself to reply.

“Yeah.” He exhaled. “I suppose.” Jess looked at him questioningly. Afraid of confrontation, Phil continued mindlessly. “I think it looks like a giraffe if you squint.”

“A giraffe?” Jess laughed, eyebrows raised. Phil nodded at her, a smile growing on his face once again.

“Why not?”

“Why do you think the artist painted an abstract giraffe?”

“Maybe he likes giraffes.” Phil shrugged. Jess buried her face into Phil’s shoulder still laughing fondly. 

This was nice. Today was nice. Phil really did like Jess the more he hung out with her, but only as a close friend. She was the kind of person you wanted to catch leaves with in autumn and talk to until three in the morning. She was the kind of person Phil clicked with very easily, as almost anything could send them both into a fit of giggles. Phil really did like Jess, just not in the right ways for the reason they were both here. 

When Jess walked up to another painting and asked Phil what he thought it was about, Phil didn’t have a good answer for her. In lieu of his answer, Jess tilted her head and looked up at the painting with a hum. Phil felt her demeanor shift, and suddenly she was holding a rose in her hand, twirling the stem between her fingers. “I think it looks like a rose.”

“Really?” Phil smiled. Jess nodded, properly turning to him.

“If I were to give one to you, would you accept it?”

“Hypothetically?”

“Hypothetically.”

“I’d say yeah.” Phil smiled. Jess grinned, moving forward to pin it to his shirt without a trace of doubt. 

The moment would have been a lot nicer if Phil didn’t meet eyes with a guy holding a camera while she did it. Phil really didn’t like how this all had to be filmed. It only reminded him that he was here to fall in love with Jess, not have a fun day out role playing as a close friend. It reminded him that he was falling for the boy back at the house, not the girl standing in front of him. He pushed the thoughts away as quickly as they’d come.

“I’m glad.” Jess finally beamed.

“Me too.”

 

By the time Jess and Phil got back to the house, the sun was nearly setting and Phil’s face hurt from smiling so much. They’d thrown around so many more jokes and laughs once the cameras had stowed away in a seperate car to head back home, and Phil could genuinely tell himself that the day he’d had had been good. Great, even. He liked Jess. 

As a friend, he reminded himself. A really good friend.

The minute that Jess and Phil walked through the front doors, three guys were already there, probably jealous and eager to sweep Jess away. She smiled at them, but pressed a heartfelt kiss to Phil’s cheek before turning away with them. “Thank you for coming with me today.” 

Phil smiled at her and watched her walk away, lingering in the doorway. It was when Jess disappeared that he saw Dan leaning against the staircase’s banister down the hallway. Phil’s smile shrunk, but didn’t slip or dim.

“Hey,” Dan greeted quietly, heading down the hallway towards Phil. 

“Hi,” Phil replied, pulling his shoes off of his feet. Dan hovered awkwardly while he did it. “You could probably go join in on Jess’s reunion party if you wanted to have the chance to talk to her today.”

“She’ll still be here when I’m not with you.” Dan waved him off. Phil fought to keep his expression neutral. “How was it?”

“Really fun.” Phil exhaled, the smile coming back to his face. “We went to an art exhibit thing. It was nice.”

“You look pretty happy about it.” Dan laughed.  _ He _ didn’t sound too happy, but Phil tried not to read too far into his tone of voice. 

“I mean, yeah.” Phil sighed. “I don’t know if I like her as a friend or not though. I think it might be a friend thing.”

“Oh?” Dan asked. His eyes were bright. Hopeful.  _ There’s no fucking way he doesn’t feel the same way back.  _

“Yeah. I don’t know. I had a very good day.” Phil nodded to himself. “How was your day?”

“Lonely. Boring. Only slightly jealous.”

“Jealous of me?” Phil laughed. Dan laughed too.

“No.” He replied, looking at Phil with a certain intensity. “Not you.”

Phil looked back at him confusedly, once again unsure whether he was reading into things properly or if he were overshooting and aiming at something that wasn’t really there. He coughed awkwardly, and the two of them finally broke eye contact. “Should we go find Jess?” Dan asked quietly. Phil shook his head.

“You go. I-” He paused. “I think I need to recharge. Maybe take a nap.”

“Alright,” Dan replied, looking at Phil for a moment more before once again nodding. “You know where to find me.”

“Ditto. Just knock if you get bored.”

“You’ll entertain me will you?” Dan asked cryptically. Before Phil’s eyebrows could even shoot up in surprise, Dan was already turned and headed towards where Jess had just disappeared to. “Got it.”

He left Phil looking after him, more questions to be asked than questions that had already been answered.

 

Phil really did need to recharge, but he couldn’t find it in him to nap. He lay awake instead, staring at the ceiling with a whole basket of emotions beneath the surface.

The signs were all pointing towards Dan liking him back, despite the doubt that was always at the forefront of his head. Plus, what was he going to do? Ask Dan out? When they were on a game show to find love with a girl? Yeah right. Phil didn’t know what to do, so he sat in the slightly darkness of his room mulling over it. 

The only possible way he might be able to do something about this was if they both got eliminated, and Phil was already guaranteed a spot here for another week seeing as he already got a rose on his date with Jess. He was beginning to realize that if he didn’t start trying to get eliminated soon, he might be in the competition for real. Funny how he was facing the exact opposite problem as everyone else here.

Phil was beginning to wish that he’d never given into the pressure to apply for this show, regardless of meeting someone like Dan. It was only giving him a headache.

 

The sun had set long ago when Phil finally emerged from his room. He wasn’t hungry, more just compelled to escape his own head a bit before sleeping. Naturally, his first idea was to look for Dan.

Heading down the hallway, Phil knocked on the brunette’s room. No answer. Phil had heard a few guys head upstairs to bed already tonight, Dan just must’ve not been one of them.

Dan wasn’t in the kitchen, nor the living room, nor the front porch, not that Phil was scouring the entire house for him or anything.

Dan was in the last possible place he thought to look, that being the pool. As Phil stepped out onto the back patio, he immediately caught sight of the younger lounging around with a few other guys, beers in hand and shirts long ago abandoned. 

Not that Phil was looking.

They seemed to be throwing some anecdote around, as they were all being loud and cheerful, laughing freely. Nobody noticed Phil approaching, or even when he sat at the edge of the pool and dipped his feet in, letting them splash in the dark water illuminated by colourful pool lights. The instant Phil was properly seated, he heard Dan stop talking. When he looked up, Dan was already looking at him, and the other guys seemed to notice his arrival due to Dan’s stolen attention.

“More beer?” One guy asked. Collin. Some guys agreed, but Dan shook his head.

“No, I’m okay.” He waved off. 

“Your substitute for alcohol seems to be here, anyways.” Phil heard Collin mutter as he passed, probably en route to the kitchen to get some more of whatever they were all drinking. Dan swam over to where Phil was sitting, and Phil immediately shot him a smile. 

“You know, this is more the time of day when people go to bed instead of deciding to wake up.” Dan points out, treading water just beside Phil’s feet. Phil laughed.

“I never really properly slept.”

“What were you doing, then?” Dan asked, genuinely curious.

Phil shrugged. “Thinking.”

There was a pause. “About?” Dan finally asked.

_ You, _ Phil thought.

“Nothing important.” Phil lied. Dan nodded, accepting that it was as much of an answer as he were going to get. With the pause in conversation, Dan moved to push himself out of the pool, Phil putting a great deal of effort into not staring at Dan’s collarbones and bare torso, though he didn’t think anyone could blame him. He’d barely gotten his thoughts in order when Dan had returned to his side after retrieving his t-shirt from a lawn chair, sitting on the cold stone beside him. Their shoulders were just brushing. 

“What were you out here doing?” Phil asked, deciding that the silence had dragged on long enough. Dan smiled, and gathered his thoughts. 

“Chatting. Primarily drinking.”

“Why primarily?”

“Because I was thinking too much.” Dan answered honestly.

“About?” Phil asked.

“Nothing important.” Dan copied Phil from moments before.

“Right.” Phil laughed. “I can empathize with you on that, then. May need a beer myself.”

“Yeah.” Dan sighed.

“Yeah.” Phil repeated. 

 

The next day was the definition of dull. Dan had gotten picked for the group date, and Phil had barely woken up on time to be there for the reading. They hadn’t had a single conversation before Dan had left, leaving Phil with absolutely no sense of what to do or where to go once he and the majority of the guys were gone. 

No wonder Dan had gone on about how bored he’d been when Phil had been on the group date instead of him. This was beyond boring. This was a whole new level.

Eventually, Phil realized that he should probably stop sulking in his room and should maybe try to talk to people, escaping his perpetual state of grumpiness that had for some reason settled over him.

That’s how he found himself sitting with Collin and Jason on the couch, two nice guys who only wanted to talk about Jess, and their odds at winning.

“I don’t know, she seems pretty into me dude,” Jason said. Collin put his hands up in mock surrender.

“We’ll see man, we’ll see.”

Phil watched the exchange.

“Did you instantly fall in love with her the minute you saw her, then?” Phil asked quietly. Both guys turned their heads to him in slight surprise, clearly not seeing Phil as the type to start conversation. 

“Well no,” Collin finally replied. “But it’s built up to something close to it. She’s a great girl.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed. Once again, his mind drifted to how he really just wanted Jess as a friend. Jason shrugged.

“I’m into her, yeah. It’s not love yet.”

“Yet.” Phil repeated.

“Yeah.” Jason smiled, raising his arms above his head. Phil quirked an eyebrow. “It’s in a stage I’ve gotten familiar with. Pre-love, per say.”

“Dude, you’ve got a name for it?” Collin teased. Jason rolled his eyes and swatted at Collin.

“Yeah. You know what I’m talking about though.” Jason side eyed the other. Collin waved him away, nodding. Phil frowned.

“I don’t.” He said. Jason’s eyebrows raised.

“It’s that stage when all you really want to do is hear them talk, or see them smile again, or be in the same room as them.” He began to explain. “You really just want to look at them a lot, and have them look at you a lot. Saying that makes it seem like a crush, but if anything it’s like, a grown-up-crush.”

“A  _ manly _ crush,” Collin inputted. Jason laughed. Phil faked a laugh.

“That makes sense.” Phil nodded. He’d felt that before, the ‘pre love’ thing Jason was talking about. He was currently feeling it, actually, just not towards Jess. He didn’t voice that out loud.

 

All in all, Phil’s day could have been worse. He spent the whole day keeping the thought of Dan in the back of his head, sure, but he did actually talk to some of the guys who were still at the house and learned that they were pretty much all decent people. Derek wasn’t there, which might have had an effect on this, but Phil had gotten a good vibe from most of the people here. He hadn’t clicked with anyone the way he’d clicked with Dan, though. Not even close.

Dan. The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon, the sky a nice purple-blue, so they surely must be getting back soon. The group dates weren’t typically ones that were dragged on until sundown, so Phil was only getting slightly antsy for his friend to return. He hadn’t spoken to Dan once today, and after their recent abundance of conversations it was beginning to feel a bit like withdrawal.

Hired kitchen staff eventually came out and brought them food, which was enough to tell Phil that the other guys in the house wouldn't be back until later. Otherwise, they’d all get fed together. He quietly grabbed enough food to eat so that he wouldn’t go to bed hungry, ate it with the other guys respectively, and then retreated to his room. His head was beginning to hurt.

He picked up a book he’d brought from home  with intentions to read, but couldn’t concentrate. He tried to draw on the notepad left on the desk beside the bed, but couldn’t form any decent shapes. 

Eventually, Phil gave up and lay on his back facing the ceiling. He wasn’t sure whether he’d dozed off for a while or not, but he was brought back to the present when he heard the voices of many guys suddenly get a lot louder.  _ They must be back, _ Phil thought. He headed down the stairs and down the hallway enough to confirm his suspicions. 

The guys all looked energetic and happy, being quite loud as they all returned to the house. Phil finally found Dan among the crowd. 

His hair was curly. Like, really curly. It was curly to the point where he knew Dan was beyond unhappy with it. It must have been a long day, he figures, seeing the slightly tired expression on the brunette’s face as he hovers alone in the crowd of guys. Phil steps further out into the hallway then with intentions to catch Dan’s attention, but the mere movement is enough to have Dan glancing over at him. His expression immediately brightens as he beings to weave through the small crowd. 

“Hey,” Phil smiles as the brunette approaches. Dan just smiles back as he reaches him, taking both of Phil’s wrists and leading him out of the room. Caught off guard, Phil stumbles, but lets Dan lead him away. 

“I hope you’re fine with me complaining,” Dan finally says after pulling Phil into the kitchen. He immediately fills a glass with water and downs it as Phil starts laughing. “Because boy did I have a  _ day _ .”

Phil hums in acknowledgement. “Nice hair.” 

Dan snaps around to shoot him a look, but Phil knows him well enough by now to see the underlying smile.

“I will have none of that, Lester.” He retorts. Phil cracks a grin.

“I like it.” He muses in reply, nodding towards Dan’s hair. 

“Of course you would,” Dan groans. “I’m not keeping it. I just sweat a  _ fuck _ ton today because of the  _ hell  _ they put me through.”

“What  _ hell _ did they put you through?” Phil sighs, knowing that Dan’s pent up annoyance needed to be released eventually. Dan groans melodramatically and lifts himself up so he’s sitting on the countertop right in front of Phil, close enough that his ankles brush against Phil’s knees from where he’s sitting. Neither of them move away.

“Let me paint the scene.” Dan starts, leaning forward. Phil smiles. “We get there, right?”

“Right,” Phil laughs.

“Well, we get there, and everyone’s looking out the window somewhat excitedly, and I suppose that gave me some false hope.”

“And was it false?”

“Let me tell the story, Phil.” Dan chastises, pointing a finger at Phil scoldingly. He tries to look stern, but Phil’s amused expression cracks him, as a smile spreads across his face soon after. He swats at Phil jokingly, perhaps in spite of making him break character, and Phil barely avoids the teasing hit.

“Anyways,” Dan says pointedly. “I look out the window, and what do I see? Signs. Construction signs. I read them out loud with bitterness on my tongue. Do you want to know what they said, Phil?”

“What did they say, Dan?”

“Danger: Men at work.” Dan answers, hands spread, gesturing to the surrounding air as if the words were painted there. Phil raises his eyebrows, a small smile spread across his features. Dan was adorable when he acted so  _ extra _ , and Phil really liked the way he told stories, dramatic or not. “When I saw the word ‘work’ it was over. Hope was lost.” 

“So what did they have you do, build things?” Phil asks. Dan shoots him an incredulous look.

“You say that as if it was just ‘building things’. It was pain and suffering. It was so much more than just building things.”

“What did they make you build?” Phil laughs. Dan sighs. 

“Chairs. Tables. Jess had some sort of reasoning behind it all, but I wasn’t listening.” 

“Who won the challenge?” Phil asked next. Dan frowned. 

“Derek,” He muttered bitterly. “My chair broke when I sat on it. It was awful for my self esteem.” Phil sputtered into laughter. Dan glared at him. “I poured my heart in soul into that chair, and that was what I got.” 

“A bruised ass?” Phil jokes. Dan glares. 

“Yeah, that and some really sore hands. Like, bruises and cuts everywhere. I think I have calluses, too. I didn’t think those were actual things. Look.” He extends his hands to Phil. Phil takes them in his own and inspects them. To be honest, they don’t look too harmed.

“I think you’ll live, Dan.” He replies. Dan rolls his eyes.

“You clearly don’t understand true pain.” Dan sighs. He hops off the counter and starts to head towards the doorway. Phil watches him.

“I’m going to go shower,” He declares. Phil hums understandingly. “Where will you be?”

“Probably my room.” Phil shrugs. 

“Great,” Dan turns and disappears into the hallway. He pops his head back into the room with a smile to add more on. “I’ll come find you after. I haven’t gotten enough Phil time in today.” 

He finally disappears after that comment, and leaves Phil smiling after him. Phil doesn’t think he stops smiling for a while after that.

 

Dan returns, as promised, after a lengthy shower. Phil has, of course, done nothing to pass the anticipation filled time until he hears a knock on his door, so he’s more than pleased when it finally happens.

Dan’s dressed in sweats and a t-shirt; presumably his bed clothes. Phil’s wearing his pajamas too, and he can’t help but think hopefully that tonight will be another night that they stay up late, talking. The hope grows when Dan welcomes himself in wordlessly and immediately makes a move to sprawl out on Phil’s bed, arm draped over his eyes.

“Am I allowed to continue complaining?” He groans. “Because I’m sore. My muscles scream for their innocence.” Phil laughs silently, but moves to sit beside Dan on the bed tentatively, waiting for the brunette to continue. The silence grows, and  Dan finally moves his hands from over his eyes. He holds his gaze with Phil’s for a good few moments before sighing and sitting up, making room for Phil to sit properly. 

“I-”

“You’re tired. I know.” Phil laughs. 

“I was going to say that I’m glad to finally talk to you today, but I am also tired.” Dan partially corrects. Phil raises his eyebrows. “Today _ sucked _ because you weren’t there.”

“It  _ sucked _ , did it?” Phil smiled. Dan smiled back.

“It totally did,” Dan assured. “We could have done some serious teamwork shit like that one time you helped me make lasagna.”

“Way back when.” Phil sighed, remembering when he’d barely known Dan and had barely registered his budding feelings for what they were. Now look where he was. 

“Yeah.” Dan replied softly. “We make a good team.” He continued seriously, sitting up and holding eye contact with Phil. He could see the certainty in Dan’s eyes, and it made him want to melt.

“Yeah. I’m glad we chose to stick together.”

“I would have forced you to stick with me, otherwise.” Dan teased. Phil raised his eyebrows jokingly, but had to withhold the grin that was threatening to spill across his face.

The pair spent the night in comfortable conversation, making up for the lack of interaction they’d had all day. After the complete boredom that Phil had endured while Dan had been away at the group date, this was nice. It was nice to spend time with  _ just _ Dan, as always.

When Dan accidentally fell asleep a few hours later during a lull in conversation, curled up in Phil’s bed, Phil made no efforts to move him. Instead, Phil draped the covers overtop of the younger and slid underneath them himself, knowing in the back of his head that it would be mean not to let Dan sleep. His sleep muddled brain only hesitated slightly before draping an arm across Dan’s waist.

It was always cold in his room, in all honestly. Sharing body heat certainly wouldn’t hurt. 

In his last moments of consciousness as he drifted off to sleep, Phil could have sworn that he felt Dan shuffle closer.

  
  


Phil woke up the next morning with a slightly sore neck, and a bright light shining directly into his eyes. Damn, he should really learn to close the blinds before he gets to sleep. He usually remembers, but he supposes he’d just gotten distracted last night.

Phil raised a hand to block the sun streaming in from the window before he bumped into the sleeping form of Dan beside him, and only then did Phil remember the current situation. He could vaguely remember Dan falling asleep here yet again last night. 

All Phil had to do was glance down, and he was swooning all over again. Despite having been lightly hit by Phil just moments ago, Dan was still sound asleep, curled up into Phil’s side. His head was resting on Phil’s chest, lips parted in sleep and hair ruffled. He looked infinitely younger like this, like none of the stress of the world would ever catch up to him. Phil had an arm wrapped around Dan’s waist, too, and his head had been likely been tilted to rest on Dan’s, explaining his sore neck. Phil didn’t want to take it back, neck pain or not. He felt comfort like he’d never felt before laying here.

It was almost like Dan could feel Phil’s staring, as he began to lightly stir. Phil curled and uncurled the fingers resting on Dan’s waist, hoping to help lull the younger out of sleep. Maybe it was his tired brain, but he already missed Dan’s eyes.

Luckily for Phil, they were fluttering open seconds later, and the first thing he looked up to see was Phil smiling back down at him. It took Dan a moment to piece two and two together, but once he did, a smile was stretching across his face, and he was lifting a hand to hide behind.

“Good morning,” Phil laughed. Dan let out an amused groan of sorts, and Phil felt him stretching lis legs out underneath the covers. Dan looked back up at him. 

“Your eyes look more like they’re on the green side in direct sunlight,” He observes. Phil raises an eyebrow, but cracks a smile.

“Yeah, remind me to close the blinds next time.” He laughs. Dan shrugs, resettling his head back against Phil’s chest with a heavy sigh, clearly still groggy from waking up. Phil’s smile only grows. He kind of really likes morning Dan.

“Should we get up anytime soon?” Dan finally mumbles, voice slightly muffled by Phil’s shirt. Phil thinks for a moment.

“No.” He replies with a chuckle. He feels rather than sees Dan’s smile before the younger twists around to lay on his back in order to look up at Phil. He laughs.

“I should fall asleep here more often,” He inputs. Phil hums in agreement.

“Totally accidentally. Not on purpose.”

“No. I would never.” Dan grins, stretching out somewhat like a cat before once again resettling on top of Phil. “Do you know if we have to do anything today?”

“I hope not,” Phil groans. “We’ve got the rose ceremony tomorrow, though.”

“Don’t remind me,” Dan groans. “I’ll stress just thinking about it.”

“Don’t.” Phil reminds, subconsciously pulling Dan closer. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

In all honestly, he wasn’t sure, but the least he could do was comfort. Dan nods ever so slightly.

“I kind of just want to stay here all day.” He says, changing the subject.

“Let’s just hope no one comes to get us then,” Phil replies. Dan sighs heavily, and shuffles slightly so that his head is resting on Phil’s shoulder and upper chest, tucked away beneath Phil’s chin. Phil rests his head atop Dan’s before he feels the tension in his neck again. He grimaced lightly.

“I think I slept on my neck weirdly last night.” Phil complains, lifting his head again and attempting to stretch it out. Dan shoots him a questioning look. When he brings a slightly cool hand to the back of Phil’s neck, Phil feels a physical shiver run down his spine.

“Are you okay?” He asks with complete concern. Phil waves him off.

“Yeah, it’s not that bad.” He smiles reassuringly. “Not bad enough to warrant not welcoming your presence.”

“There is  _ nothing _ not worth enduring for me.” Dan jokes, his voice surprisingly warm as he wraps his arms around Phil, pulling him even closer than they’d been before. Phil hums.

All he can think about is how real this feels. How easy it could be to tilt his head and plant a kiss on Dan’s temple. He doesn’t.

They sit in comfortable silence for a few moments, still wrapped in the covers and each other.

“I’ll lounge around all day if they let us,” Dan finally sighs.

“Yeah,” Phil agrees, lifting a hand to play with a particularly defiant strand of Dan’s hair.

They stay like that for a long while, needing nothing more but the soft sound of breathing and the reassurance that yeah, they’ve got each other for now, at the very least. 

 

When they finally do get up, it’s hours later and with great reluctance. Everyone downstairs has already had lunch, and some of them already have beers out. Despite this, neither Dan nor Phil feel like they wasted the day in the slightest.

Jess comes to eat dinner with them later. Dan sits beside her, but Phil notices that he spends most of the time looking in his own direction, shooting looks that say unspoken words, as if they could have a conversation without saying a thing.

When the drinking really starts, as it does some nights, Dan and Phil retreat again. This time, Dan asks to sleep in Phil’s room again, incredibly bashfully. Phil agrees without hesitation, and the pair of them once again find themselves curled up in bed.

Phil’s laying with his back to Dan, and he can feel Dan’s arms around his waist, drawing a small circle with his index finger onto a strip of exposed skin where it rests, and he feels that certainty in his chest again.

_ There’s no fucking way that Dan doesn’t feel the same way back. _

 

The next day, there’s no lounging in bed. There’s no lazy morning and muffled conversations, because there’s a rose ceremony today, and people are getting ready.

There’s a cocktail party beforehand, and everyone has to get dressed up, and there’s a lot of cameras to be floating around. 

Dan wakes up before Phil, and quietly wakes him in order to tell Phil that he’ll see him downstairs. A groggy Phil gets the message, but is still confused when the bed is so much colder once he leaves.

When Phil finally does emerge, he can feel the nervous energy buzzing in the air. He’s beginning to notice that it always feels like this on the day of a rose ceremony, but he’s never felt the same pressure as everyone else. In his books, going home wouldn’t leave him heartbroken over a girl he barely knew. Instead, he’d probably just be lonely and miss Dan’s laugh, which would suck equally, now that he thought about it. Maybe Dan would get voted off the same week he did in the near future. That would be really convenient. 

Speaking of Dan, Phil hasn’t seen him since he fled this morning. Looking back on the short encounter, he’d seemed relatively anxious and antsy to start the day, leading Phil to believe that he was already stressing.

Once Phil heads downstairs, he immediately starts to scan the rooms for Dan as if it were an instinct. He finds him in the kitchen with Collin almost immediately after vaguely hearing the sound of his voice from the base of the stairs. Dan smiles at him as he comes in, but continues his conversation with Collin.

Phil doesn’t want to invite himself into the conversation, but he wants to leave Dan’s company even less, so he shuffles up beside the brunette, their shoulders touching. He swears he feels Dan shift closer once he does it, too.

“I mean, I hate knowing that you could be entirely blindsided, you know?” Collin asks, leaning against the counter tiredly. Dan nods.

“Yeah,” He sighs, turning to Phil and shooting him a sad smile. “Mr. ‘I have a rose’ doesn’t have to worry about that this week.” Phil rolls his eyes. Dan knocks his shoulder to let him know that he’s just joking around, but Phil already knew.

“I doubt the two of you have to worry either.” Phil dismisses. Collin laughs curtly, shrugging his shoulders unknowingly.

“I hope not.” Dan smiles. “Think of how bored you’d be if I got voted off.” 

Dan loops his arm around Phil’s waist ever so slightly, hand coming to gently rub the small of his back in a form of partial reassurance, hoping to pass the message onto Phil that he was just kidding around. Phil was becoming an increasingly big fan of how affectionate the two of them were being as of late.

“It would be miserable,” Phil agrees. “I might have to make a friend out of Derek if you get voted off.” 

Dan laughs.

“I don’t think I could picture one of you staying here after the other gets voted off,” Collin tilts his head analytically. Dan quirks an eyebrow to question him. “Like, you’re Dan  _ and _ Phil. I don’t even know if Jess could bear to split you two up.”

Phil can’t help the smile that worms its way onto his face. Dan’s arm tightens slightly around his waist.

“It would suck if she did.”

“Yeah.” Phil agrees.

“Yeah.” Dan repeats.

 

By the time lunch rolls around, Dan hasn’t left Phil’s side. Phil’s noticed that he’s acting slightly off today, though he doesn’t want to confront Dan on the off chance that he’s wrong. 

Dan’s been fleeting between being overly fond of Phil to being stressed and distant, getting lost in his own thoughts only to spring back to the present and wrap his arms around Phil again. 

For example, they’d been talking in a group with Jason, Curtis, and Luke, when Dan had lifted his head enough to rest it on Phil’s shoulder. Only Phil heard the very soft whine he’d emitted, but before he could question it the brunette was standing straight again, leaving Jason, Curtis, and Luke to quietly bask in their confusion, acting like they hadn’t even noticed. When Phil had tried to meet his eye to shoot him a questioning look, Dan deliberately wouldn’t look at him..

Dan dismissed himself from the conversation a minute or so later, and Phil followed him out. The other guys merely seemed to accept that where one went, the other went.

“Hey,” Phil called, reaching to catch Dan’s wrist in an effort to slow him. Dan stopped entirely and turned to face Phil in the dimly lit hallway.

They’d just gotten ready for the rose ceremony an hour ago, and the cocktail party was on the brink of starting. Jess would be here soon, and Dan was making him worry. “You good?”

“Probably.” Dan sighed, smiling softly.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s up?” Phil asked, making his question more direct this time. Dan paused, turning thoughts over in his head. 

“Probably.” He settled. He still looked rather unsure.

“Alright,” Phil laughed awkwardly. “Are you gonna do it now?”

“Unlikely.” Dan answered. Phil nodded shortly.

The silence settled over them, and before it could grow into an awkward one, Phil was fighting to shatter it. “Dark green’s a good colour for you.” He blurted. Dan’s eyebrows raised at the compliment, but Phil did notice the quick, fleeting blush on his cheeks.

“Thanks.” He replied weakly. Phil wasn’t just being nice, either. Dan’s dark green button up and sport jacket were incredibly complimentary, and it was a miracle that Phil hadn’t just been staring this whole time. “You, uh-” He paused. “You look good too, of course.”

“Thanks,” Phil laughed awkwardly, glancing down at his jacket. He glanced at the rose pinned there, too. Dan seemed to follow his gaze.

“God, I really hope that I don’t get eliminated.” He albeit whispered. 

“I hope so too,” Phil replied. He quickly gathered his thoughts, deciding to test the waters. “I seriously don’t think that I would want to be here if you weren’t.” Dan looked surprised by the statement, but didn’t look as if he were against it.

“Yeah, I don’t want to be without- I mean, being here without you would suck.” Phil made a noise of agreement. He opened his mouth to further continue, but was cut off by the sound of a door opening, followed by many enthusiastic greetings. “Jess.” 

“Yeah,” said Phil. “Shall we join the party?”

“I suppose,” Dan replied. Phil pretended not to notice the flat tone. 

 

As the cocktail party drew on, guys started to disperse amongst the various rooms in the house. Jess was switching between rooms, too, and seemed to be in a very good mood. She caught Phil in a lengthy conversation early on into the night, seeming to be evermore bubbly. She’d wrapped Phil up in her good mood to the point where Phil hadn’t even noticed when Dan had slipped away from his side.

He immediately noticed once he and Jess parted ways, however, as the room suddenly felt very lonely.

The stress of the evening was getting to him, as it was most likely doing to Dan as well, and Phil knew that he’d immediately feel a lot better if he could only find the brunette.

One of them could be going home tonight. That was the only outcome that Phil really didn’t want. They could both stay, or they could both leave, and he wouldn’t have a problem. He didn’t want to be stuck somewhere without Dan. 

Peering a head into the kitchen, Phil doesn’t spot Dan there either. Instead, he makes eye contact with a red head he’s never once made conversation with. 

“Have you seen Dan?” Phil asks. The redhead chuckles knowingly, as if he could have predicted Phil’s words.

“Sorry mate.” He replied. Phil offered a small smile of  _ thanks anyways _ before ducking out, continuing his search.

He poked his head into a few more rooms before someone could finally direct him towards Dan, having seen him sneak outside a good twenty minutes ago. Phil thanked him, starting towards the back garden while checking for cameras along the way. He didn’t particularly want to be on TV right now, the stress building up beneath his skin with each passing moment. 

Phil wanders around the garden for a few minutes before he finally comes across a pacing Dan near the very back, beside the far part of the house and next to the garden that no one ever tended to, the plants overgrowing at every edge. 

Dan, as if sensing Phil’s presence, looked up and met the older’s eye as he continued to approach. Shadows from nearby lights casted shadows along his face, edging out every detail. Phil could immediately see the sadness rooted in Dan’s usually bright eyes, and almost reflexively opened his arms. Dan fell into them, and in that moment Phil wanted to tell him everything that he’d never said out loud as he wrapped his arms tight around the boy he’d grown so fond of. It was all so tempting, with the stress of the day finally eating away at him, to telling Dan the truth. He was so close to telling Dan something that could send his world toppling down.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked instead, arms still wrapped tight around Dan, suspecting that he needed comfort as Phil did right now. He didn’t know if it was a stress thing, or something else, but seeing Dan in any mood but his cheery self brought Phil’s mood down with it.

Dan didn’t say anything, so Phil unlooped his arms from around Dan but kept them loosely hanging around his sides. “Hey?”

“Just stressed about the roses thing.” Dan mumbled, shrugging. He wouldn’t meet Phil’s eyes, and his face was flushed. Phil knew him better than that.

“It’s more than that, Dan. You’ve been like this all day.” Phil said sadly and somewhat knowingly, moving his head into Dan’s line of view so that he’d look him in the eye. Dan did end up meeting eyes with Phil, but he did so somewhat bashfully. Neither of them said anything for a moment, but they both seemed to be searching the other’s faces for words that weren’t said out loud.

“I couldn’t tell you.” Dan finally replied, his voice a near whisper. He dropped his eyes to the limited space between their bodies with a repressed sigh. Phil watched Dan’s fallen face, and realized that he’d do nearly anything to wipe any trace of sadness or stress or doubt away. 

“Why not?” 

Dan laughed almost bitterly. “It doesn’t work like that.” There was a sad kind of humour in his eyes when he looked back up. 

“What doesn’t work like that? Nothing works better than we do. You said it yourself the other day.” Phil reminded, subconsciously hugging Dan closer again. “We get through this hell of a show together. That’s what we agreed to right from the start, wasn’t it?” 

“Yeah.” Dan sighed.

“And look-” Phil collected his thoughts before continuing. “ I think you’re the only reason I’ve been able to stay on this show without going insane.” Phil laughed softly. “You make me laugh, and you make me happy, and I do genuinely care about you, yeah? If you’re upset, I want to be able to help. Or at least listen.” 

Dan’s eyes were closed, leaving Phil to stand there wallowing with his own thudding heart. He’d nearly said so much more just then. There were so many things that he could have said that would have made this exchange come crashing down.

“You make me happy, too.” Dan finally said. His eyes were still closed, like he was holding himself back from telling Phil what was bothering him. Phil took a deep breath. Dan needed to be okay. He wasn’t allowed to be sad if Phil could do something about it. Dan’s eyes opened again, and met Phil’s shyly. He still looked like he was stealing himself.

When Dan looked up, Phil felt a tug in his chest like a string pulling at him, getting tighter, and tighter until all it could do was snap.

“Dan, I-”

And Dan was kissing him with a seemingly sudden burst of confidence, cutting him off mid sentence. Phil nearly squeaked in surprise. 

As if instinctively, Phil pulled Dan impossibly closer in desperate reassurance, and Dan’s arms moved to wind around Phil’s neck like he never intended to let go. Phil could feel every ounce of emotion that he wanted to convey as if it were buzzing through his veins, and tried to pour all of that emotion into kissing Dan back with a sense certainty. 

_ He was kissing Dan. _ He could feel the elastic band they’d stretched wire thin these past few weeks merely  _ snap _ .

He nearly let out the softest of moans, and at the very least made a noise in the back of his throat. Phil felt as if he were melting, hands clasping at the base of the brunette’s spine. Phil wasn’t sure that there was any unfilled space between them, because all he could feel was  _ Dan _ . Dan, Dan, Dan.

When they were finally at a loss for breath, Dan pulled away hesitantly, as if he were unsure as to Phil’s reaction. Phil didn’t even let him get far enough to look him in the eye before he was pulling Dan back into another kiss. It was quick, touch feather light, but it said enough. Phil pulled back, eyes still closed as he caught his breath.

The second kiss had been more reassuring and soft, like Phil was trying to tell Dan that this wouldn’t break him. This would do anything but break him.

“Did you mean that?” Dan whispered. Phil opened his eyes to meet the warm pair looking back at him. Their noses were nearly brushing, Dan’s forehead was against his, and Phil felt a sense of belonging to his answer.

“I meant that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello, you can find me @phanimist on tumblr or twitter if ya wanna drop by to say hey, or if you just wanna yell at me. i'm cool with either.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Aftermath (TM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends! as aforementioned this chapter is slightly shorter than normal due to the fact that the last one was 8.5k for some reason. i hope your weeks have all been awesome. mine's been a bit all over the place, and this upcoming one is gonna be super busy, but i'm gonna try my very best to get something up for next sunday.   
> (one of the reasons i'm busy is the oh wonder concert i have on tuesday holy cow i'm not ready)  
> anyways, here we are. enjoy The Aftermath.

Dan had only been staring at Phil wordlessly for mere moments, but it felt like years. He could only heavily exhale as he practically _ watched  _ Dan thinking.

“I-” Dan started. He cut himself short, and then looked at the ground, seemingly bashful and lost.

“Yeah.” Phil replied simply. Dan had to laugh curtly, raising his head to meet Phil’s eyes again.

“Are we okay?” He finally said, exhaling shortly as he pushed the words forwards. 

Phil had to think for a moment. He felt okay, he felt great, but he could see where Dan’s worries might be coming from. Where were they going to go from here? What were they going to do? Sure, they’d both finally crumbled under the weight and tension of the past few weeks, but it wasn’t as if they could trot off into the sunset. Phil could only hope that Dan didn’t ask him for an answer.

“We’re okay.” He replied instead, giving Dan what he hoped was a convincing look.

“Yeah,” Dan nods. He offers a small smile. “Okay.”

 

Phil wasn’t listening to a word anyone said for the rest of the night. He’d stand in a group surrounded by others, beer in his hand that he’d take occasional sips of, but he wasn’t really processing any words that were thrown his way. People seemed to notice, and were content to just let him stand there.

Dan was somewhere else, with other people. Phil didn’t think that tracking him down would benefit either of them. In all honesty, he needed time to think.

God, he was happy. He was so so happy, but the instant he remembered where they were, and why they were here, and what they needed to get through, the happiness faded into a sense of urgency and stress. Part of him wanted to hide, but he knew that he couldn’t. It would only hurt him and Dan.

An hour later, when the rose ceremony finally began, Phil had never felt so constricted. It were as if someone were blowing a balloon up inside of his stomach, pressing out against his rib cage until he crumbled. 

Jess looked nice tonight. Phil really did want to push her away, get himself eliminated and away from this mess as soon as possible, but he couldn’t bring himself too. Instead, he watched with a bittersweet taste in his mouth as she called forward person after person to receive their rose. 

Every name called that wasn’t Dan’s sent another breath of air into the balloon, his chest impossibly tighter by the second. He didn’t want to be here if Dan wasn’t. He had no  _ reason _ to be here if Dan wasn’t.

“Derek.” Jess called. Phil had to close his eyes and breathe. 

“Jason.” She continued. Phil felt Jason step out from beside him to receive the rose.

“Dan.” 

Phil exhaled, the balloon in his chest deflating. Dan stepped forward, Jess pinning the flower to his jacket, and he turned to walk back to his spot in line. 

He met Phil’s eyes as he walked back. There was an unspoken question in both of their gazes.

_ Where do we go from here?  _ Phil didn’t have a fucking clue.

Phil didn’t pay attention to the rest of the ceremony. All he could think about was the feeling of Dan’s lips on his.

The ceremony was soon over, and after Jess’s long, sappy speech about appreciation and being thankful, she fled from the room and the director yelled  _ ‘that’s a wrap for tonight, boys!’  _ and Phil felt his head get heavy on his shoulders. 

He was snapped into the present by a gentle hand running down his arm. He turned to meet Dan, who shot him what was almost a convincing smile.

“One more week down.” He said. His voice was small. Phil offered a smile. “I’m about to head up to bed.” Phil nodded weakly. He didn’t know what he should say. He didn’t know what he  _ could  _ say. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He opted for. Dan smiled and started to move away, looking incredibly apprehensive, and Phil’s immediate reaction was to reach out and grab for the brunette’s wrist. Dan stopped and turned, letting Phil take hold of him. They held eye contact for a moment or two before Phil was stepping closer again, dropping his voice to a lower tone. “Try not to overthink it all, okay?”

“That’s not the easiest thing to do,” Dan laughed sadly. 

“I know, but we- I don’t-” Phil tried. None of his words would come out properly. “I don’t know what to do, either.”

“I know.” said Dan. Phil dropped his wrist, taking a look around at everyone else here. Everyone who was here on their own accord, for their own personal reasons, all looking to find something that Phil didn’t want. He knew that he didn’t belong here. 

He turned back to Dan. They shared a long, thoughtful look before Dan was once again turning away to head up to bed, their gaze full of unspoken yet understood confusion and longing. Maybe they should just take this day by day.

 

Sleep certainly didn’t come easily that night. Phil kept replaying the day’s events, the feeling of dread and uncertainty never leaving his chest. He felt somewhat responsible to come up with a plan, when it was the last thing that he could imagine himself doing. He wanted to hug Dan, to tell him everything was gonna work out. He wanted them both to be happy. 

He also knew he was jumping to conclusions. How could he predict what Dan wanted from all of this? He couldn’t, but that only added to his knowing that he should be taking this day by day.

 

“Hey!” Phil heard a voice call from behind him. He was still half asleep, his rest last night not being incredibly profound, so it took him a few moments to realize who it was. It was Collin trying to catch up with him, and he seemed to have woken up at the same time as Phil had, as they were both heading towards the kitchen for the day’s first meal. 

“Hey,” Phil replied.

“You don’t strike me as an early riser.” Collin commented. Phil glanced at a clock in passing. It  _ was _ earlier than he’d planned to wake up, but he’d wanted a distraction from his thoughts.

“I’m not, typically.” He laughed as they arrived in the kitchen. Phil was increasingly glad that this show supplied them with cereal for breakfast every morning. It was small, but it was a familiar piece of his life that he was glad he was able to keep. 

“What’s this morning’s motive for waking up early, then?” Collin asked in turn. Phil shrugged.

“Didn’t sleep all too well.”

“I’ve been there,” Collin smiled, clapping Phil on the shoulder lightly as he moved to pour a bowl of cereal of his own. “I haven’t been all too homesick, but I do miss the routine sometimes.”

“Relatable.” Phil commented. 

“This isn’t exactly my scene,” Collin sighs. “I take it that it isn’t quite yours either.” Phil raises his eyebrows.

“No, not really.” He agrees. “I couldn’t tell that you didn’t feel like you fit in.” Collin shrugged it off.

“It’s easier to fake something in a group of people.”

“I guess,” Phil shrugs. “That must be why I stick out like a sore thumb.”

“It’s just that you really don’t fit this scene, whereas other people are somewhat close,” Collin laughed, nudging Phil to let him know that he was joking. “Plus, you’ve got Dan with you usually. Actually, I find it odd that he’s not here with you now.”

Phil waved him off, moving to change the subject as soon as possible. He was afraid his facial expressions would give something away, as if the blush in his cheeks could speak.

“I suppose being the introvert of the house does make you stand out slightly.” He laughed. Collin nodded slightly, returning to his cereal.

Dan did eventually walk into the kitchen for breakfast a good fifteen minutes later. Phil looks up the instant he steps through the doorway, as if sensing his presence. Dan just looks at him distantly, expressionless, until Collin looks up too. Dan then shoots them both a smile.

“Good morning,” he greets, doing an awkward wave as he moves to pour himself some cereal. A few  _ words _ on Dan’s end shouldn’t get him blushing. Phil had to get this under control.

It’s when Dan takes his completed bowl of cereal and leaves the room after another quick smile that sends a pang of confusion and slight hurt through Phil’s chest, and has Collin scratching at his head. He turns and shoots Phil a quirked eyebrow in silent question. Phil merely sighs to himself. Collin, seeing Phil’s reluctance to acknowledge, finally speaks.

“Should I ask what that was about?”

“Probably not.” Phil replies, attempting to seem uninvested.

“Right.” Collin answers quietly. They continue eating until Phil reaches the last bit of cereal in his bowl. He then quietly dismisses himself.

He gets why Dan might be nervous about all of this. He can see where he’s coming from. It just kind of makes Phil sad.

He doesn’t see Dan again until lunch, and even then he only sees him from across the room. They make quick eye contact for an instant, as if drawn to the other’s gaze, but when Phil looks down at the floor and back up after a moment’s pause, Dan has excused himself from his previous conversation and is nowhere to be seen. 

 

At one point during the day, Phil catches Dan by the sleeve as they both pass. Dan turns to him and shoots him a smile almost reflexively. “Hey.” 

“Hey,” Dan copies, giving Phil the most awkward wave he’d ever seen. 

“Where are you off to?” He asks, urging the conversation to continue. Dan just shrugs. 

“Was talking to Jason.”

“Ah.” Phil replies. It isn’t much of an answer, but it’s all he has to work with. He furrows his eyebrows slightly as he looks at Dan, trying to gauge where his head might be at, but Dan immediately takes that as his cue to flee. It was like he obviously didn’t want Phil looking too far into all of this.

“I’ll catch you around though, yeah?” Dan asks. He’s already stepping away by the time Phil has started nodding.

“Yeah.” He replies. He’s not sure he will though.

 

When dinner comes, Collin finds Phil eating alone out on the porch.

“Why so deflated?” He asks jokingly. When Phil offers a weak smile as an answer, Collin’s smile dims. “Where’s Dan?” He immediately asks again. Phil almost laughs. He had no idea. He’d tried to find Dan to eat dinner with, but he hadn’t been anywhere. It was like he was quite literally hidden away behind the curtains, hoping and praying that Phil wouldn’t find him.

“Dunno.” Phil replied simply, trying to appear preoccupied with food. Collin sat down next to him anyways. 

“Trouble in paradise?” He asked, question as a laugh. Phil nearly choked on his mouthful of pasta.

“Sort of,” He replied meekly once he’d swallowed properly. “I don’t know.”

“I hope you figure it out,” Collin offers. Phil smiles. 

Dan eventually finds Phil out on the porch, long after Collin had left and he’d finished his meal. Phil looks up to see him approaching, but can’t deny the surprise when Dan actually acknowledges him and sits down beside him.

“Hey,” He smiles, almost normally. Phil nods once.

“Hi. What have you been up to all day?” Dan shrugs.

“Don’t know. It’s been a mess.”

“Are you okay?” Phil sighs, turning properly to him. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you almost seemed to flee whenever I so much as looked at you.”

“I-” Dan starts. He cuts himself off. Phil lets the silence sit.

“Look, if you regret doing it then let me know, okay?” Phil wishes his voice didn’t come out so constrained. He tries opening his mouth to continue, but nothing comes out. “Regret kissing me, I mean.”

“I don’t..” Dan ensures instantly, placing his hand over Phil’s. His fingers are cold. “ I swear it. I’m just easily made nervous.”

“Don’t run away from me though, okay?” Phil asked, turning his palm over to lace their fingers. “Do anything but that.”

“Where are we even going though?” Dan sighs. “What are we doing?” 

“I don’t know.” Phil replies honestly. He pauses. “Do you want something to come of- us?”

Dan nods slowly. “Yeah. I think I do.” Phil almost breaks out into a smile before Dan continues. “I just don’t know what we are, or what we can be.”

“Yeah,” Phil replies. He understands.

“We can’t exactly abandon the ship, though. We’d have to get eliminated, and the show gets drama off of us. The network won’t kick us off.” 

“What do you mean? We’re a source of drama?” Phil asks. Dan looks at him like he’d never seen him before.

“They haven’t pulled you aside for one on one footage filming?”

“No?”

“They’ve taken me like, four times now, and all they ask me about is you, and why I run off with you.” 

“Really?”

“They asked me about Derek once, too.” He adds. Phil rolls his eyes. 

“They’d ask everyone about Derek.” Phil laughs. “Speaking of which, when he got the rose before you did last night I almost flipped a table.”

“Could you flip a table if you tried?” Dan asks. Phil pushes their interlocked hands into Dan’s side in spite, frowning. Dan laughs briefly. “No matter. We’re probably stuck on the show for a while though. The network likely won’t let us get kicked off.” It’s Phil’s turn to sigh.

“What do we do then?” He asks. Dan looks at him, and Phil sees genuine understanding and fondness there. He wants to melt.

“We take it day by day.” 

“Day by day.” Phil complies. He nearly hesitates before taking his hand from Dan’s and wrapping it around the brunette’s waist loosely. “And then what?”

“I don’t know.” Dan smiled sadly. Phil felt him leaning into his side. “I think that’s okay, though. For now.”

“Okay,” Phil replies, leaning his head down to plant a kiss on Dan’s temple. The skin is warm beneath his lips. He presses his nose to the top of Dan’s head once he pulls away, content to just be close to the boy who’d been running from him all day again. 

When he pulls away, Dan is flushing slightly, but he looks happier. It’s all Phil could hope to come from their exchange. 

“We should probably go make an appearance inside,” He suggests. “Or else the rumours surrounding our  _ mysterious disappearances  _ continue.” Dan laughs, and is the one to pull them both to a standing position. They drop the intertwined hands before they go inside, understandably. When they join the rest of the guys, all hanging out in the living room, Phil swears he sees Collin shoot a small smile in their direction after seeing them back at each other’s sides.

 

When Phil gets pulled into an interview for one on one footage that same night, as if they’d known that Dan had told him about it, he’s slightly nervous. He knows the genre of questions they’re going to ask, and he doesn’t know how to brush them off.

Dan brushes Phil’s arm with his own as Phil gets pried away from his side by a member of the camera crew. He shoots the other a much appreciated, reassuring look. 

“So, can you summarize your feelings about your one on one date with Jess?” A producer asks. Phil’s eyebrows raise only slightly, but he quickly jumps into a good rendition of what they probably wanted him to say. He’s asked questions about the other guys, life at the house, unfolding drama with Derek, and he almost lets his guard down. Almost. It’s then that they ask about Dan.

“Why did you seek a friendship with Dan?” He’s asked. Phil shrugs, buying time.

“It’s good to have a friend around the house. I don’t click very easily with some of the people here, so to have someone that I did click with around makes a new experience more tolerable.” He hopes it was the right answer.

“You two avoid most contact with other people. Why’s that?”

“The two of us are more… Comfortable, per say, in smaller groups of people,” Phil explains. “It’s nicer for us if we avoid larger groups.”

“And what do you say to the rumours about you two circling in the house?” The producer asks. Phil tries not to look like a deer caught in headlights.

“I-” He stops. “I think people are reading too far into things that they don’t need to be reading into. If people are here to speculate about things, then they’re here for the wrong reason.”

“And you’re here for the right reason?”

“This show’s about falling in love, isn’t it?” Phil asks in return, his question serving as an answer. The producer looks at him for a long moment behind the camera, expression unchanging. Phil looks right back at him.

“Alright,” He finally says. “Thank you. That’s all the footage we need. You’re free to go.”

Phil leaves without another word. When he rejoins Dan, he shoots him what he hopes is a plain smile. Dan can probably read further into it, knowing him, but he doesn’t outwardly react. Instead, he returns the smile and faces back towards the handful of others he’s been holding a conversation with. Their shoulders are brushing, and for some reason it’s the only comfort Phil needs.

Dan gets called in for footage filming half an hour later.

“Again?” He jokes, laughing lightly along with all the others. Phil doesn’t miss the way his smile falls the instant he turns away. Phil makes an effort to continue the conversation like he had been, but doing it without Dan was significantly harder. He tries not to make it seem like his head’s somewhere else.

When Dan emerges, Phil can see the nervousness rooted in his expression from the other side of the room. He excuses himself from the handful of guys he’d been talking with and moves to meet Dan across the room. 

“Good?” Phil asks, glancing around the room. Everyone else looked preoccupied with their own interactions. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Dan dismisses. “I dunno. The whole day’s really taken a toll  ~~ booth ~~ on me.”

“You okay?” Phil asks again. He desperately wants to reach out and lay a hand on his arm in comfort, or knock their feet together, or even hug him again, but he know that he can’t do that in the middle of the room. Dan just looks stressed, and tired, and Phil wants to tell him everything he wants to hear. Somehow, he thinks that doing that would make it worse.

“Yeah.” Dan replies, pausing. “I think I’m gonna head up to bed though.”

“Okay.” Phil smiles lightly. Dan reaches forward to quickly lock their hands, giving a reassuring squeeze, before pulling away all together as he began to head upstairs. Phil dropped his arm back to his side with a heavy sigh.

Dan went to bed without any further goodnight, and Phil went to bed counting the times his ceiling fan spun around. When asked, he’d told the producer that he’d come here to find love. The more time he spent here, the more he realized that it hadn’t been a lie at all. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright so because i'm v busy next week i'll post anything regarding like, delays or inability to post the next update over on my twitter next saturday/sunday (@phanimist) and it'll be in my bio or something so you won't have to look far. sorry! i'll likely get something up, but this is just in case.  
> anyways, hope you all have a great week and i also hope that you liked this chapter :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek makes Phil :( and then Dan tries to make Phil :) and then they're both :/ for a little bit but everything's fine I promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hello my buddy friend pals i hope you're all having a gentle sunday. to be completely honest i 100% did not think i would have an update for you all today but then last night my brain was like hey! let's write 3k! and i went 'alright my dude' so this is a thing.   
> a) i give you 340 words of dan pov in this chapter you're welcome  
> b) did u see that thing abt the two girls on the australian bachelor show who started dating can you believe that i can predict the future that's literally the best thing that i've ever seen  
> i hope you enjoy this little update, and also can't tell that i wrote most of it in the early hours of the morning. things are happening, my friends.

“You seriously told him to his face?” Phil asked incredulously. Dan laughed, looking down at the sidewalk they were both walking along. They were both on a group date for the week, and Jess was somewhere at the front of the path. They were trailing behind the rest of the guys, as predicted. They’d been more attached at the hip than usual, as of late, and no one else was able to pinpoint why.

“Yeah, of course,” Dan laughed. “He was being an ass.”

During their group date today, the guys had to pick outfits out from a closet that Jess and the bachelor in question would wear to different types of events. Derek had been making snide comments all day, and Dan had finally snapped during the 'date night' outfit section. After seeing Derek's horrendous attempt at a finding a date outfit for himself, Dan had told him that the only reason he'd applied to the show must have been because he couldn't get a girl below age 82 to look at him twice, seeing as he couldn't match a shirt and pants to save his life. Derek had glared, and Phil had stifled a laugh behind his hand.

“You should be careful, you know.” Phil shook his head, shooting Dan a look.

“Why?”

“Because one of these days you’re going to get punched, and I’m not going to have any sympathy for you.” Phil laughed, doing a quick glance around before tilting his head and leaning in really close to Dan’s face. “You’d probably still be equally as pretty with a black eye.”

Dan pushed him away jokingly.

“Shut up.” He mumbled, despite his budding laughter. Phil merely shot him a very fond smile, which Dan then returned. They held the gaze for a moment before the cloud of uncertainty was back, and they dropped back into silence.

There was always an unspoken reluctance. Dan and Phil passed the time in stolen glances and sideways looks out of the corner of their eye. They talked constantly, rarely leaving each other's sides, but whenever they’d share a laugh, or a smile, the joy would always fade somewhere deep beneath their expressions. Whenever either of them would say something flirty, direct or not, they’d share a flustered moment before slipping back into the self doubt that always seemed to be lurking. They were getting used to it, yeah, but Phil really wished he knew where he stood with Dan.

They hadn’t really talked much about it. The tension seemed to be growing again, only because neither Dan nor Phil could reach what they wanted to. Every bout of eye contact was another inch the elastic band of tension would be pulled back between them.

Phil’s desire to do even the simple things, like reach out and take Dan’s, had become overwhelming simply because he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Sure, he could check for cameras, but what if Dan didn’t actually want him to take his hand? Where did Dan stand on the matter? He was too afraid to ask, so they sat in the returned tension while both contemplating what to do.

It had been a week and a half since the kiss, and Phil felt like he was treading on a paper thin surface.

“Dan! Phil! Hurry up!” Jess calls jokingly from the front of the group. They’d fallen particularly behind now, maybe about fifteen metres from the front of the pack. Phil laughs quickly before running to catch up to the rest, Dan trailing.

They tended to dance around the cameras, putting extra space between them when needed, but it wasn’t particularly fooling anyone. Dan and Phil had become a brand of sorts. They were always seen together, and when they weren’t, people asked where the other was. Phil should be worried about the rumours, and how the TV network would twist it, but he couldn’t be bothered.

It was noted, though, that they weren’t doing many things on romantic terms. They’d do the simple things, like holding hands briefly, or wrapping arms around waists. They hadn’t kissed since that night a week and a half ago, and to be quite frank, Phil was dying to. He ached to have Dan’s lips on his again, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to initiate it. What if Dan didn’t want him to do that? What did Dan even think of all of this? Phil didn’t know, so he wallowed in doubt and stayed in their currently undefined way of doing things.

To be completely honest, he’d stopped trying with Jess. He felt like Jess knew that, too, but he hadn’t been voted off yet. Dan would still wander over to her side regularly, but not without bringing Phil in tow. Maybe it was that fact that was keeping Phil in the game.

By the time the guys were all sent home, it was far past dark, and no one had eaten yet. Dinner was already set up on the table when they walked in. The day had been, for the most part, quite enjoyable, and Phil was almost expecting something to go ary the moment he sat down, Dan to his left. The room was almost too quiet, a silence settling over the table. When Derek finally sat down in the seat directly across from Phil, he clasped his hands and let out a heavy sigh. Phil nearly sighed in turn.  
Derek’s eyes scanned over the guys at the table. Most had started eating, but Phil’s eyes were insistent on watching Derek observe everybody. Right before Derek’s eyes reached his end of the table, Phil averted his gaze to his food and began to mindlessly take a few bites of the chicken on his plate. He pretended not to notice Derek’s lingering gaze that he could see out of the corner of his eye.

Conversation began to pick up quietly around the table, breaking the tension in the air around everyone. Dan knocked Phil’s foot under the table to catch his attention. When Phil looked over at him, Dan only smiled and snaked his foot around Phil’s ankle. Phil hoped that he didn’t flush bright red.

“You could cut the air with a knife with everyone in here,” He muttered. Phil chuckled quietly, taking the last bite of chicken from his plate with his fork.

“Hmm,” He hummed in agreement, trying to keep a hold on his smile as Dan began to tap a pattern onto the top of his foot with his toes. It was Dan’s little, hidden things like that which had been really testing Phil this past week. It was his cute little habits and actions that sent Phil hurtling into this mood where all he seemed to focus on was how fond he was of Dan, and how much he wanted to be around Dan. It was intoxicating, sometimes suffocating, and Phil was afraid that he was going to snap again if he didn’t kiss him again sometime soon. Hell, it was taking enough restraint not to lean over to him right here at the fucking dinner table.

He finished his bite of chicken, and looked back up to Dan. Dan was already looking at him, but shot him a small smile when they met eyes.

“What?” Phil asked, trying to limit the smile worming it’s way onto his face as well. Dan just tilted his head and shrugged, diverting his own attention back to his plate of food.

“Nothing.” He mumbled. He smiled down at his plate, though, and Phil felt like a twelve year old running circles around a crush. This was ridiculous.

He was thrown off of his temporary cloud nine, however, when he looked up to see Derek smirking at the two of them, eyes flickering back and forth.

“What are the smiles for?” He asked almost teasingly, leaning forwards on his hands in mock anticipation. Dan looked up from his food then, and half of the table’s attention was gained. Phil’s eyes jumped to the camera in the corner, and the red recording light flashing back at him. He took a deep breath.

“What do you mean, Derek?” Dan asked tiredly. Derek’s smirk only stretched, and he leaned back in his chair comfortably. Dan was tapping his foot rhythmically against Phil’s under the table. The silent comfort was much appreciated.

“I dunno, just curious.”

“Right.” Dan replied.

“I mean, you two are constantly in your own little world. I was just wondering what it was like to be in said ‘little world’.” Derek commented, shrugging nonchalantly. Dan suppressed a sigh.

“Derek, what are you saying?” Phil asked directly, waving his hand slightly. He wasn’t particularly in the mood to chase Derek in circles and play this game today. Not ever.

“I’m just trying to see where your heads are at,” Derek attempted to explain. “I mean, I don’t mean to look like I’m reading into things too much, but you didn’t look to invested in Jess during the group date she organized today. Correct me if I’m wrong.”

By now, the entire table had fallen silent. Phil caught Collin’s eye across the table. He was frowning, but his gaze was calculating. Phil opened his mouth to reply to Derek, but promptly shut it. He didn’t know if he’d end up digging himself further into a hole or not.

“It just doesn’t seem like you’re trying anymore. You’re not taking this seriously, and I take partial offense to that, seeing as I genuinely want to be here.” Derek continued.

“You’re not me,” Phil argued meekly.

“You don’t know what’s going on in everyone’s head, Derek. Stop acting like you do.” Dan muttered. “It’s fucking rude.”

Derek ignored him entirely, hungry eyes never leaving Phil’s downcast face.

“I don’t have to have your brain to know where your head’s at, Phil.” Derek chuckled. “I don’t know why you haven’t already run off with Dan. You know, since you only talk to him. Like, it kind of hurts that you’re still on the show when guys who genuinely want to be with Jess got voted off while you get to stick around and goof off.” Derek continued. Phil’s gaze dropped to the table. He wanted to melt into the floor. “If you’re not gonna try, maybe leaving would be the most respectful thing you could do.”

“Derek-” Dan started, voice full of intention and a sudden sternness. Derek held up a finger to stop him.

“I wasn’t talking to you.” He said. “Nice of you to stick up for your boyfriend, though.”

Phil pushed his chair back from the table rather abruptly, the wooden legs scraping against the floor as the sound filled the room. Dan flinched beside him at the sudden movement, and Phil forced himself to take a deep breath before heading towards the door, full intentions to go and hide for a few hours. He wanted to be anywhere but here.

As he left, he could faintly hear Dan telling Derek off in the room over, and Collin piping up with words of agreement. When he heard Derek laugh in answer, however, he was plagued with another wave of irritation.

He got up the stairs in record time, but instead of going to his own room he headed straight for Dan’s. In the back of his head he knew that Dan was gonna follow him up, and if he were being honest, just being in Dan’s room brought him a lot of comfort. He sighed deeply, falling backwards against the bed. He was aching to throw something. Or throw something at Derek. Perhaps the latter. Maybe then the network would actually kick him off, and he wouldn’t need to figure any of this out for himself. He’d much rather someone do it for him.

Phil felt trapped. He felt trapped because of how kind Jess’s smile was, and because of how him and Dan seemed to be stuck in a never ending game of cat and mouse. He missed his home, and he missed routine.

He stared blankly at the ceiling. Today had been going so well, too.

He was disrupted from his thoughts by the door creaking open just a crack, and Dan peeking a head around.

“Hey,” He greeted softly, slipping fully into the room and clicking the door shut behind him once he saw Phil shoot him the smallest of smiles. He moves across the room to Phil’s bed, nudging at Phil’s side in silent request for him to move over. Phil shifts further to the right, and Dan slips onto the bed beside him. They’re laying side by side looking up at the ceiling, and when they exhale their shoulders brush. “Why my room?”

Phil shrugs. Dan rolls over so that he’s resting his head against his own arm, body on it’s side as he looks down at Phil thoughtfully.

“I wanna hit Derek,” he replies instead. Dan laughs, and the sound makes Phil smile.

“Yeah,” Dan says. “Luckily, he’s irrelevant.”

“For someone so irrelevant he seems really set on making my life a living hell.”

Dan lets the silence sit for a moment.

“Have I told you about the one time my grandma ripped the locker door off of her locker in high school?” asks Dan. Phil tilts his head to look up at Dan’s smiling face in confusion, surprised when Dan looks genuine in his question.

“No,” He laughed quietly.

“She was gonna be late to class one day, right?”

“Okay.”

“And so she was in a huge rush, and in her haste to get everything she needed from her locker she opened the door so aggressively that the whole thing fell off.”

Phil laughed.

“And you chose to tell me this blessing of a story why?”

“You said you wanted to hit Derek. It made me think of violent things.”

Phil sighed and turned his head to face the ceiling again, resting it on his hands.

“I love how your head works.” He concluded, glancing back over at the brunette.

“Yeah?” Dan smiled, laying back down onto the bed beside Phil, looking up at the ceiling too.

“Mm,” Phil hummed. Dan turned to face him, and their noses brushed. When he leaned in, Phil tried not to show how eager he was, how long he’d waited to do this again.

Dan brushed their lips ever so softly, and it was like Phil could exhale again after how stifling this week had been. Dan places a light hand on Phil’s chest, and Phil snakes one of his own around Dan’s arm, wanting to bring him closer. As nice as this was, Phil could taste the reluctance on Dan’s lips.

When Dan pulls away, far too soon for Phil’s liking, Phil holds himself back. He aches to do that again, but could tell that Dan was hesitant. He feels the chord of tension in his chest pull tighter.

“Derek’s right, you know.” Phil mumbles. Dan frowns. Their faces are still centimetres apart.

“What do you mean?” Dan replies. Phil shrugs.

“I’m not here for Jess. I’m not into girls.”

“Oh,” said Dan quietly. Phil nodded softly.

“Oh.” Phil repeats.

“Why are you still here, then?” Dan almost whispers. “Isn’t this more stress than it’s worth?”

“Sometimes,” Phil replies. “I don’t know.”

“You have to make sure that you’re happy, Phil.” Dan frowns. “If this isn’t what you want, then you shouldn’t stay.”

Phil sighed deeply.

“I don’t know quite what I want yet.”

“You don’t have to know.” says Dan. He shuffles closer to Phil on the bed, and wraps an arm around his waist. Phil welcomes the embrace. “I don’t know either.”

“A lot of my stress is coming from Derek poking and prodding at us.” Phil admits, leaning further into Dan as he rests a head against his shoulder. “I dunno.”

“We’re at eachother’s side constantly, Phil.” Dan smiles somewhat sadly. “I’d be more surprised if they weren’t suspicious by now.”

“Maybe we should, like-”

“Be more low key?”

“Yeah.” says Phil. “Maybe that would help.”

“Yeah, okay.” Dan replies. “We’ll be more careful around other people.”

“Okay.” Phil complies. “I’ll try not to let the Dan withdrawal get to me too much.” He felt Dan laugh beside him.

“I won’t ever be too far.” He assures. They settle into a comfortable silence, the only sound being their relaxed breaths, and Phil feels okay. He feels at ease. He feels like they can figure this out.

 

Dan wakes up the next morning feeling heavy. It’s like his emotions were pressed against his chest, Dan feeling them with every breath that made his chest rise and fall. It didn’t take long for him to notice Phil’s sleeping form on top of him, and in a way that made sense. It made sense that Phil was responsible for the both metaphorical and literal feeling of heaviness on his chest.

In the literal sense, Dan didn’t mind in the slightest. Phil’s presence was warm and comforting. Anything done with Phil was automatically something Dan would enjoy.

On the other hand, in the metaphorical sense, Dan was unsure. He was hesitant, and unknowing, and completely lost when it came to trying to figure out where he should go from here. Looking down at the ebony haired man sleeping on his chest, Dan wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. He’d come here with intentions to set himself straight, mind the pun, and had ended up steering in the complete opposite direction. He’d steered himself right in the direction of Phil, and though he didn’t regret it in the slightest, it was messing with his head.

Dan decided not to dwell for long. He should be soaking in the feeling of warmth and comfort while it lasted, before Phil woke up and they’d inevitably have to start their day of spending less time at each other's sides, as to hopefully ease Phil’s stress. Dan didn’t particularly want to go about it that way, as he wouldn’t willingly subject himself to having to spend less time with Phil, but making sure that Phil was comfortable was immediately his priority. He could only hope that their attempts at putting space between them in the eyes of others wouldn’t blur the lines between their already confusing relationship.

He took a deep breath, and tried not to overthink it all. Instead, he traced the outlines of Phil’s features with his eyes, a feeling of content in his lungs. This was nice. Being with Phil was nice.

 

It’s already weird not eating breakfast with each other.

Dan and Phil had woken up, Phil had borrowed one of Dan’s t-shirts to wear for the day, and they’d headed downstairs together only to go separate ways the minute they were on the main floor. Phil had immediately wandered around to find Collin, someone he knew he could keep a conversation with. He didn’t know where Dan ended up heading too, and that was somewhat odd in comparison to how they’d been this past while.

Munching on his cereal sat with Collin, among others, in the living room, Phil felt lonely despite the abundance of people. He’d been asked about Dan upon showing up, but the brunette hadn’t been mentioned since. Maybe them not doing everything together would help, despite how uneventful it made things.

Phil learned that Jess was coming round in the late afternoon for a ‘pool party’ apparently, which he already wasn’t too keen on. Apparently there was a rose ceremony coming up too, and more than half of the guys would be going home in a huge burst of eliminations.

For some reason he wasn’t nervous quite yet.

As the day continued, Dan and Phil would occasionally cross paths. Phil would try not to look at Dan for too long. He’d see Dan looking at him out of the corner of his eye, and it was already driving him crazy. He regretted suggesting that they do this, no matter how much it may help in keeping Derek off of their backs.

All throughout the day, they’d keep making eye contact, and it took everything Phil had not to pout when they did. It was ridiculous. Tension was always growing between them, and he didn’t know if he could handle it.

They tell themselves that they’re doing this so that they can spend more time with each other without raising suspicion, but in all honesty neither of them know what they’re doing. All Phil knows is that each caught snippet of conversation, each moment of lingering eye contact, each bit of distance was driving wedges between them, and he didn’t know what to make of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a) hope that this was a thing that you liked. b) as always, you can check my twitter (@phanimist) to find out if i'm able to update next sunday. c) alright so kirsten?? ao3 user cafephan?? yeah, she has a BOMB ASS halloween fic that's been updating every day for a week now, and the last chapter goes up tomorrow. i would highly recommend you go read that, because it's my current favourite thing. it's called watchful, and dan's a ghost and stuff. 10/10.  
> anyways, i hope you all have a lovely week, and i'll likely see you next sunday!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning: mentions of alcohol
> 
> There is tension and also drinking and then also some other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends it's time for me to grace your sunday with my presence in the from of a new chapter :) i'm slightly nervous about this, but that's okay. also i've been on the catalogue three times this past week and a bit?? how on EARTH did that happen?? thank you a thousand times.  
> on another note, troye's concert in toronto is in two days and i'm not at all prepared boy howdy i cannot wait.  
> will have an update for you next week if all goes well. (EDIT: change of plans. see the end of this chapter for notes)   
> i'm finally on track with where i want the story to go and i'm actually so hyped about it. now for the execution. easier said than done.

By the end of the week, Phil was ready to snap.

Dan and him had been keeping their distance alright, but it seemed that Dan was intentionally trying to wind him up. He’d constantly fight for Phil’s attention only to scurry away seconds later, seemingly keeping up the ‘separate people’ act, and Phil’s skin was beginning to crawl.

It had started the night after they’d decided to start downplaying, at the not so conveniently placed pool party in which Jess would be in attendance. Everyone was in swimsuits, so Phil’s self esteem was already considerably lower than normal. It certainly didn’t help that Dan had caught his eye while everyone was sitting around the pool, and had winked on four separate occasions, sending Phil spiraling toward being a blushing mess every single time. They were sitting across from each other, too, so Phil was constantly becoming flustered whenever he so much as looked up and met Dan’s eye.

The problem got worse once everyone actually started swimming. Everyone was practically revolving around Jess like she was the sun herself, Dan included, but Phil couldn’t help but trail, eyes tending to leap to Dan wherever he went.

Dan probably knew what he was doing, too. The little shit.

At one point during the event, Dan’s fingers dug into Phil's side, having snuck up on his friend from behind, and Phil shrieked. Dan’s hands were cold against his torso, not to mention the fact that he’d been caught off guard. Dan’s hands lingered on Phil’s hips momentarily.

“Scare ya?” Dan laughed, moving around to step in front of Phil. Phil rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Mm,” Dan would hum simply, nodding disbelievingly at Phil for a few moments before he was stepping back. “Enjoying yourself?”

Phil shrugged, appearing indifferent. Dan gave a small smile, one that was somewhat knowing. He probably knew very well that this was far from Phil’s scene.

“Really?” He asked, his smile going from soft to playful. Phil raised his eyebrows. Dan deliberately ran his eyes down the length of Phil’s body before meeting his eyes again, a smirk toying at his lips. Phil knew his entire body was flushing. “I’m thoroughly enjoyed, I’d say.”

And he swam away. He ducked his head beneath the water and headed back over to deep end of the pool where Jason and Luke were throwing a joke around, and Phil could only slip into the water so it covered him up to his chin, hoping to hide his blush.

Collin approached him then, offering Phil a tap on the shoulder to pull his attention away from Dan.

“Are you overwhelmed, too?” Collin laughed, leaning up against the side of the pool. With wet hair, Collin looked drastically different. It didn’t curl too much at the ends, something Phil envied. His eyes also looked lighter in contrast with the colour of the pool.

“You could say that,” Phil replied with a smile. “Can’t exactly pass the opportunity to see Jess, though.”

“Especially not in a swimsuit.” Collin joked, elbowing Phil slightly. Phil laughed along awkwardly.

“Yeah.” He said. His response was so forced that he was immediately scrambling to follow up with something. “Despite that, I wouldn’t be sad if this little ‘pool party’ ended a little bit earlier.

Collin nodded at that. “I’m with you. D’ya wanna slip inside and maybe get some beer or something? That could help to pass the time.”

“I think I’ll pass on the beer. Thanks though,” Phil smiled. Collin playfully knocked his shoulder before lifting himself from the pool, presumably to leave and, in fact, get more beer.

Phil couldn’t help if his eyes lingered on the way Collin’s muscles flexed as he lifted himself up, couldn’t help but admire the final smile of farewell that the other sent in his direction. If anything, Phil was only watching him leave and head back inside because he had a lack of other things to do. When he glanced back over to where Dan had run off to, however, he was surprised to find Dan already looking at him. When Phil met his eye, Dan quickly looked away as if being caught guilty for doing something. He deliberately wouldn’t look back, either, not even when Phil watched him for a few moments more. Phil couldn’t help but smirk. So Dan got jealous, huh? If Phil was reading this right, he had to remind himself. He was pretty sure that he was.

When Dan kept egging him on, leaving him hanging and wanting to follow him, Phil was finally at the breaking point. It was the kisses on the cheek Dan would sneak in before they both went to bed, the lingering eye contact that Dan would initiate only to leave Phil without a follow up.

One night, at the end of the day, Dan had snuck in a “Seeya tomorrow, babe” before sneaking up the stairs to bed. That boy had a death wish.

Phil knew that he wanted this to end. Fuck being separate people. He’d much rather engage in symbiosis.

When the end of the week finally came, and the rose ceremony was looming, Phil was properly wound up.

His hair was perfectly in place, his button up shirt well fitted, and his jacket just as crisp. He looked ready, so why didn’t he feel ready? It was probably because Dan had turned their idea of strategically keeping distance into a game of cat and mouse, Phil seemingly trailing everywhere that the brunette seemed to go. It was driving Phil crazy.

Maybe he should just decline the rose tonight. Maybe Dan would even follow him. Phil wasn’t willing to take the risk. He’d much rather wallow in the shadows of certainty for now, granted they both remained on the show. Taking one final sigh, Phil left his room, descending the stairs with an air of reluctance to his step.

The instant he walked in the lounge where a few guys were hanging about, someone instantly handed him a beer. Phil took it graciously. If anything, he might be a bit more stable and capable with some alcohol in his system.

He immediately spots Dan across the room, as if his eyes were instinctively drawn to him, and he’s shot what he interpreted as an incredibly flirty wink. Phil can’t help but laugh, wading his way through the small crowd of people to reach Dan’s side.

“Think you’re going home?” Dan asks him once he was within hearing distance. Phil shrugs.

“Let’s hope not.”

“Keen on staying, are you?” Dan mused. Phil smiled.

“Mm,” Phil replied, drawing his eyes down Dan’s body once in what he hoped was an implicational way. Dan had drawn this crazy tension between them, and Phil was honestly just getting desperate to break it. Unfortunately, Dan pretended not to notice Phil’s attempts.

“Best of luck to the both of us, then.” Dan stated, raising his beer. Phil raised his own, but took notice of just how empty Dan’s bottle already was.

“Drinking tonight, are you?” Phil asked, nodding his head towards the bottle. Dan smiled.

“I felt like I was overdue on properly indulging, you know?”

“Indulging in what?” Phil inquired. Dan smiled cryptically, and brought the bottle to lips again. He swallowed a mouthful of the alcohol back.

“I guess we’re gonna see.” He shrugged. Phil held his eye for a few moments, and saw specks of implication, but he knew that acting on them in a room full of people was possibly the dumbest thing that he could do.

“Will we?” Phil asked, eyeing Dan for an answer. Dan only shrugged, mirth still alive in his eyes. Phil was leaning towards the idea that Dan was a lightweight, because he was already acting very confident. That being said, Dan might be just as ready to break the tension as he was. Phil hoped it was more the latter.

Dan moved his hand forward and held Phil’s beer bottle overtop of the other’s hand, lifting it to raise the bottle to Phil’s lips. He dragged his fingers away then, sure to make them brush against Phil’s skin like a ghost. Phil nearly lost it. He hated this cat and mouse game. He really did.

By the time the rose ceremony was actually supposed to start, both Dan and Phil had both finished a beer. Phil was done drinking for the night; that he knew already. He didn’t usually like to ingest so much alcohol, and he was already feeling pleasingly light. Dan, however, seemed to have his eyes set on a second.

When the actual roses started being called, Phil was rather confident. He blamed it on the beverage buzzing through his veins.

Phil’s name was surprisingly the first one called, too. He stepped forward to take the rose from Jess, clearly looking very eager when she pinned it to him.

“Do you accept this rose?” Jess asked, a sparkle in her eye. Phil nodded.

“Of course.” He replied. Jess laid a hand on his upper chest quickly with another happy look before Phil was turning back. Dan was smirking happily at him when they met eyes. It was like he was trying to look like sex on legs tonight. Actually, Phil realized, that might be his intention. He certainly wasn’t arguing.

Various other names were being called, but Phil was somewhere off in space. When Dan’s name was called, however, he was immediately back to attention, his eyes never leaving the brunette as he stepped forward to retrieve the rose from the girl they were both supposed to be fighting for.

When Dan returned to his spot in the group, there were still two or so roses left. Phil fought to meet his eye across the group of waiting guys, holding the gaze once he obtained it. Their expressions were unchanging, and Phil fought the urge to trace Dan’s arching features. It was Dan who looked away first, a small smile playing at his lips. Phil looked away a moment or two more, a sigh slipping past his own.

“That’s it for roses tonight.” The host announced, catching Phil’s attention and directing it to the front of the room where Jess stood, looming. “If you haven’t gotten a rose, I’m sorry, but it’s time to say your final goodbyes.”

The rest of the room started moving. Guys who hadn’t gotten a rose began to shake each other’s hands, clapping each other on the back, and lining up to hug Jess one last time. After quickly glancing around, Phil noticed that the number of guys who’d be sticking around had been nearly halved. That was somewhat intimidating.

He was startled by a pair of arms snaking around his waist, trapping him in an embrace from behind. Immediately knowing who it was, Phil tilted his head back to catch a glimpse of Dan’s expression. Their noses almost brushed, and if anything Dan moved closer despite the fact that they were in a room full of people.

“Stuck with me for another week it seems,” Dan mused. Phil laughed, turning in Dan’s grasp to properly face him. Dan dropped his arms as he did so. “Pity Derek’s sticking around, though.”

With a quick glance over his shoulder, Phil confirmed that Derek still had a rose pinned to his suit jacket. He sighed, eyes scanning for more familiar faces with a rose. He noticed that Jason had a lack of a rose, which was sad as Phil knew that he’d been a good guy.

“At least Collin got a rose,” Phil pointed out, nodding in the man’s direction. Phil watched Collin talking to Jason across the room, presumably saying their goodbyes. When he turned back to Dan, the brunette’s eyes were quirked.

“You’re friends with him?”

“I mean, yeah.” replied Phil. “He’s gone out of his way to be nice to me, and he’s clearly a good guy.”

“Ah,” Dan mused.

“Plus, he at least tried to put Derek in his place.”

“Right.” said Dan. Phil looked at him calculatingly, wondering just how easily Dan got jealous, and wondering if the process of becoming jealous was sped up if Dan had alcohol in his system. It must be the latter, as Phil was good at reading people and could easily tell where Dan’s head was at. When Dan met his eyes again, he looked a bit more withdrawn, only confirming Phil’s suspicions.

“I’m gonna go find Jess, I think.” Dan mumbled. Phil raised an eyebrow. “Say thanks for the rose and- things.”

“Right,” Phil nods, beginning to take steps back in an effort to separate. “I’ll catch you after.”

Dan nods and turns on his heel. Phil shakes his head to himself.

Now left standing alone in the busy room, Phil starts to move towards Collin, seeing as he was the only other person here that he seemed to be befriending successfully. He really should be putting more efforts into this socially, he realized, but couldn’t find it within himself to do it for some reason.

Collin sees Phil approaching from a few steps away and shoots him a thin smile.

“Hey,” He greets. Phil stops at his side. Phil nods in greeting.

“Jason’s leaving, huh?”

“Yeah,” Collin sighs. “That really fucking sucks.” Both he and Phil glanced over to where Jess was standing with Jason, exchanging reluctant words of parting it seemed. Phil also noticed that Dan was standing in an awkward queue of sorts of people lined up to talk to her. Collin turned back to Phil first. Dan caught Phil’s eye just before he turned back to Collin. “He’s a good guy.”

“You two seemed like you got along well, too.” Phil mentioned.

“Yeah,” Collin shrugged. “It’s always good to have a friend around, not that you need someone to tell you all about that.” Collin smiled, referring to the brunette Phil seemed to have paired himself with. Phil shrugged, but couldn’t avoid a smile of his own. “Plus, it’s not the end of the world. We’re one step closer to winning Jess.”

“That’s a good way to look at it,” Phil laughed slightly. “That’s the reason we’re here, after all.”

“Mm,” Collin hummed. They both paused, looking around the room briefly. Phil noticed that Dan was still looking at them. “Can’t wait for Derek to get sent off, though.”

“That makes two of us,” Phil laughed. “I’d be surprised if anyone was on his side, to be honest.”

“I mean, some say he’s just being honest and that’s what makes him so appealing. Do you really think Jess is attracted to that? Blunt and sometimes rude honesty?”

“If she is, I could sure tell her some blunt and rude things about him.” Phil mumbled. Collin laughed brightly.

Phil could still feel Dan’s eyes on them. He didn’t need to turn around to know that he was there watching them, and for some reason the thought lit a small spark in Phil’s chest.

“Again, I’m really sorry about Jason getting sent home.” He offered, setting a hand on Collin’s forearm in a deliberately comforting way.

“It’s fine, I’ve still got other friends around here.” Collin brushed off. “I’ll keep in touch with him. Again not the end of the world. You and Dan, though, you two would be different.”

“What do you mean?” Phil asked. Collin shrugged.

“You two seem to thrive off each other.” Collin suggested. He tilted his head in thought. “That’s an odd way to put it, I suppose.”

“No, I get what you mean.” Phil nodded.

“Where is he, anyway?”

“Over there,” Phil nodded towards Jess, where Dan was still standing off to the side and still watching them. He averted his gaze the instant Collin and Phil turned around, though, trying to appear indifferent. Phil got a burst of satisfaction knowing that he’d still been watching. Collin apparently notices too, as he lets out a quiet laugh.

“You two haven’t been at each other’s sides constantly the past few days, I noticed.” Collin says, still glancing over at Dan, where the brunette was trying to look natural. Phil nods.

“The rumors were getting a little crazy, so we decided to lay off.” Collin turned back to him and frowned.

“That’s horrible. Were they bothering you that much?”

“I don’t even remember,” Phil admitted with a smile. “It’s been a long few days.”

Collin sighed. “Don’t you love being on a show that thrives off drama?” Phil smiled.

“We brought ourselves into this mess, didn’t we?” Collin smiled answer.

Phil was startled when he felt a hand settle around his waist, but became happily surprised when he looked to meet Dan’s face. Dan smiled at him, and Phil couldn’t help but notice that he was standing incredibly close, closer than he really needed to be. He wasn’t complaining, though.

“Did you talk to Jess?” Phil asks, offering Dan a small smile. Dan waves his hand in dismissal.

“Nah, she was swamped with other people. I’ll do it later.” He replied, angling himself to Phil while he spoke. He didn’t turn back once he was done. He turns his head to acknowledge Collin, though, and nods at him in greeting before taking another sip of a beer. Phil frowns at the drink.

“Hey Dan.” Collin greets. Dan swallows and smiles.

“What were you two chatting about?” he asks.

“Nothing really.”

“You,” Phil says in unison with Collin’s statement. Collin immediately laughs, as does Dan.

“Always talking about me, aren’t you Phil?” Dan asks, his words smooth and drawn out as he drinks from the bottle again. Phil catches the bottle in his own hand as Dan lowers it from his lips, their fingers overlapping slightly.

“You shouldn’t drink too much tonight, you know.”

“Not like I’m planning to drive,” Dan laughed loudly. “Unless you want to go somewhere. We could go for a late night getaway. Steal one of the limos, maybe.”

“Yeah, _maybe_ another night.” Phil rolled his eyes, taking a glance at Collin who was still standing with them.

“We never get out anymore,” Dan pouted jokingly. “Are you ashamed of m-” Phil covered Dan’s mouth with a pointed look.

“Seriously. You drinking too much is a hinderance.” He held Dan’s eye contact firmly, silently urging him to stop. When Dan looked like he was going to comply, Phil retracted his hand.

“Depends on how you look at it.” Dan shrugged. Phil gave a short laugh. Collin chortled beside them.

“It’s like the two of you are married.” He laughs.

“Not yet.” Dan winks. Phil resists the urge to shove him. Instead, he elbows Dan in the ribs. Collin laughs brightly, patting Phil on the shoulder as he starts stepping away.

“I think I’m gonna go make another round of congrats,” Collin nodded. “I’ll catch you two around?”

“For sure.” Phil replied.

“Mm,” Dan hummed quietly. Phil couldn’t read that tone. Once he was out of earshot, Phil turned to Dan again. Dan was still crowding very close to him, and Phil was glad they were at the side of the room, as they weren’t in any way the centre of attention right now.

“Does having alcohol in your system immediately erase any filter you might have had?” Phil sighed. Dan laughs.

“Beating around the bush is tedious.” He waves his hand. “Plus, you’re cute when you blush.” Phil obviously blushes more at the comment, and turns his head for a moment as he wills for his flushed face to return to normal.

“You’re gonna be the death of me.” he mumbles, turning back to Dan. Dan only shoots him a lively smile.

“And you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He replies brightly, looking very effervescent in his words. Phil smiles reflexively, but his mind keeps jumping to the alcohol in Dan’s system. It was probably shaping Dan’s words slightly, but weren’t drunk people supposed to be more truthful. In all honestly, Phil was just being wary because he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“You’ve been teasing me this whole week, you know that?” Phil says. Dan tilts his head questioningly. “Had me trailing after you the whole time.”

“Ah,” Dan replies. A smile inches it’s way back onto his face. “That’s what I was going for.”

“And what did you hope to get out of all of it?” Phil asks, his voice slightly more revealing of his intentions.

“I guess we’ll find out.”

“You’ve had your turn at being coy, Dan. You can’t draw it out forever.”

“I can try.” He replied. Phil hummed questioningly, and reached out to lock their hands, not even glancing around to make sure that no one was watching. He stared straight at Dan, hoping his current opinion was written everywhere in his features. Dan stared right back for what felt like years until he finally cracked.

“I hate this game,” Dan muttered. His voice sounded like dripping honey. Phil laughed, stepping closer to Dan. The room was loud, and Phil wanted to make sure he could hear his friend. Dan’s touch sent sparks up his arm.

“What’s to hate?” Phil asked, drawing his words out, as he leaned in impossibly closer to Dan. Dan took a deep breath, glancing behind him at the room full of guys. Phil really hoped he could get something out of this. He didn’t like ‘keeping his distance’ from Dan. It wasn’t fooling anyone. Any person in this house, watching the show, could tell that Dan and Phil were attached at the hip. That’s just how it had grown to be.

As their eye contact continued, Dan’s gaze went from soft to meaningful, and his neutral expression started to brighten up. Phil was absolutely whipped.

“Fuck it.” Phil sighed, taking Dan’s wrist and practically dragging him out of the room. They got a few sideways glances as they left the main room, but nobody seemed to pay them much more attention.

“Very blunt of you.” Dan said from behind him as they reached the outskirts of the room. Phil let out a short laugh under his breath.

Dan laughed again avidly, and immediately crowded him against the wall just outside the doorway as soon as they had rounded their way out of the room. Phil was flush against him, heart beating heavily in his chest. After a moment or two of a shared glances and a smile, Dan leans in close and kisses from the corner of Phil’s lips down his jaw, leaving a trail of admiration. Phil was glowing as he responded to Dan’s attention, smile still dim on his face. Despite the bubbly feeling in his chest and his fuzzy head, he still knew what was going on, and more specifically, why this was a bad idea. He didn’t exactly want Dan to stop, far from it, but this was going to get them caught.

“Cameras.” He muttered, dodging Dan’s next kiss. Dan pecked his lips again regardless.

“Fuck the cameras.”

“Dan.”

“I’m serious.” He replied, letting his hands roam Phil’s chest. Phil pushed them away as he dodged Dan’s insistent lips.

Phil eventually coaxed Dan to move to another part of the house, one with less risk of being seen, with a few kisses and teasing, trailing fingers down an arm, or his side, or across his cheek. When they finally fell through Dan’s bedroom doorway, still nearly glued to each other, Phil could have almost expected to have been pushed backwards against the mattress the way he was. He felt his heart flip in his chest as Dan immediately connected their lips, mouths moving together as if they’d done it expertly a thousand times before. Dan moaned into his mouth, and Phil very nearly lost it.

When Dan pulled away, if only to come up for breath, he looked down at Phil curiously. He then pulled a very goofy face, and Phil laughed.

“You’re drunk.” Phil grinned. Dan was suspended above him, and Phil could feel every individual place where their bodies were only centimetres apart. Dan practically giggled.

“A little. Isn’t it _great_?” Dan replied happily, threading fingers through Phil’s hair as he leaned down once again to leave a trail of kisses across Phil’s neck. Phil hummed.

“The best.” He nearly whispered, arching his neck to give Dan more room to work with. He could feel Dan’s smile against his skin.

“You’re so fucking pretty, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Dan breathed onto his collarbones. “Wanna tell you all the time.”

Phil used two fingers to lift Dan’s head, immediately connecting their lips as he tried to convey as much emotion as possible without saying a word. The small amount of alcohol in him was giving him the little bit of confidence that he needed, and it wasn’t so much that Phil wouldn’t remember this when he woke up.

“You didn’t drink too much?” Phil asked tentatively, detaching himself from Dan for long enough to speak. Dan didn’t let him get far before he was chasing after Phil’s lips, and though Phil didn’t fight it, he was still waiting for an answer.

“Just enough.” Dan hummed. “Mm not a lightweight.”

“I need to get alcohol in you more often, then.” Phil smiled, hands trailing down Dan’s sides until they reached his hips. He tangled his fingers in the hem of Dan’s shirt. “Want this off.”

Dan was pulling the thin fabric of his shirt off and over his head as soon as the words had left Phil’s mouth, and Phil was quick to switch their positions, now crowding Dan against the mattress of his bed. His hands found the smooth, tanned skin of Dan’s torso, goosebumps rising where his fingers traced. Dan let out the smallest of noises as Phil’s hands reached his hips. His fingers ghosted along Dan’s hipbones as he found his mouth once more, grazing his teeth lightly along Dan’s bottom lip. Dan practically melted into him, letting out a sigh.

Dan began leaving a trail of kisses along Phil’s jaw, raising his hands to wrap around Phil’s shoulders, tugging at the small hairs on the back of his neck. His fingers found the collar of Phil’s shirt, tugging it upwards. Phil takes the hint, sitting up properly for a moment to remove his own shirt. He struggles to find the buttons, and struggles even more to undo them with his shaky hands. Dan, previously sitting back and watching him, lets out a loud laugh as he sits forward to help him out, fingers finding the highest button and undoing it with ease.

“Thanks,” Phil laughs, Dan reaching the second to last button.

“Someone needs to take care of your incompetent ass.” He jokes in answer, smiling sweetly at Phil as he pushes the now undone shirt over and past his shoulders. Dan’s quick to take advantage, hands roaming the smooth expanse of his chest. Phil reconnects their lips, threading his fingers through Dan’s hair as their kisses get more heated.

He’s acutely aware that they don’t know what they’re doing. They don’t have a plan. They don’t know where they’re going from here.

Dan moans softly into his mouth, and Phil leans impossibly further into him. His fingers come to rest just beneath the waistline of Dan’s jeans, rubbing in small circles on the warm skin as he pulls away slowly, resting his head at the base of Dan’s neck. He exhales softly, warm breath hitting Dan’s collarbones, and relishes in the answering shiver.

Their plan is a winding path, and Phil couldn't see where it was leading as it wound through the trees. He could only stumble along in the dim lighting, reaching out occasionally to make sure Dan was still by his side. He lifts his head once more to kiss Dan one more time, at least. This one is deeper, more meaningful, and it conveys everything that Phil is too afraid to say.

When Phil finally detaches their lips, chest rising and falling heavily as he caught his breath. Dan’s eyes were still closed beneath him, lips parted as he regained his breath. Phil’s fingers twirled a strand of Dan’s hair between them until Dan found it in him to open his eyes. That’s when Phil decided to ask.

“Are we okay?”

Dan’s eyes didn’t leave him as he thought about his answer; not once. Phil wanted to paint a picture of this, paint a picture of the mix of confusion and happiness he felt constantly eating away at themselves in his chest, fighting to see which emotion would be the only one left.

“Yeah.” Dan finally says. “Always.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ************************ NOTE: there will be no update today, as i have a math test to study for and a soccer practice in an hour or so. the update will go up on monday or tuesday. i hope you all have a lovely day regardless :) head on over to @phanimist on twitter for more/questions/complaints lol


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends! super sorry that i couldn't get the update up yesterday.  
> a few notes:  
> 1\. basically okay so i was watching a season of the bachelorette while writing this, right? well i couldn't bring myself to keep that up. no offense to the show, but it's not my style and i kinda want to run through a wall whenever i force myself to watch another episode so i just kinda stopped doing it. ironic considering i'm writing a whole 50k+ story based on the show. what i'm saying is that the remainder of this fic may or may not be totally accurate in comparison with the actual show. i hope that doesn't make anyone :/// the plot will still be the same, tho!  
> 2\. i now have a Set Amount Of Chapters aka i finally finished my outline so you can look forward to twenty chapters :)  
> 3\. holy shit this story hit?? 10k??? thanks??? that's actually really intimidating??  
> anyways, thank you guys again for waiting, among many other things, and i'll try my best to get another update ready for next sunday!!

Days off from filming have increasingly become more and more stressful for everyone. The number of guys remaining in the competition had been essentially halved, there being only over a handful of people left. Phil was incredibly surprised to still be in that handful of guys. He had never wanted any of this. Instead, he was stuck in a hell of a situation with a hell of a lot of different choices to make, and a hell of a lot of different things to make judgement calls on. 

Phil woke up at 9:26am wrapped in Dan’s arms, eyes immediately focusing on the rough edges of the ceiling as he opened them. He felt comfortable and warm in the brunette’s presence, as he always did, but he couldn’t deny the longing and confusion in the air. 

Phil wanted out of here. He didn’t want to pretend to chase Jess, and he knew that very well. For some reason, deep in his chest, he couldn’t bring himself to leave. He knew he should talk about it with Dan and see what he wanted, but how could Phil tell if Dan was serious about all this? How could he even tell what Dan wanted from this when he didn’t know what he wanted from it himself? 

Dan’s fingers were absentmindedly tracing small circles onto Phil’s hip. He could feel every heavy rise and fall of Dan’s chest against his back. Phil wanted this, but he didn’t know what he should do about that fact. All he knew how to do was lay there and soak in the moment, so that’s what he did. 

A half an hour or so later, Dan shifted. Phil’s eyes were still closed, and remained closed when Dan started to get up and out of bed. Phil certainly didn’t miss the kiss Dan planted on his forehead before he felt the mattress spring back into place after Dan left it. The blankets were suddenly a lot colder. 

He waited a minute or so before finally stirring and opening his eyes, stretching his arms out like a cat. He met Dan’s gaze across the room, and offered him a weak smile. 

“Good morning,” Dan greeted. Phil let out a disgruntled noise at the prospect of joining Dan and getting out of bed. 

Phil watched as the other shrugged a grey sweatshirt over over his head. It didn’t take him long to think that Dan really should wear sweatshirts more often, as it made him look even more warm and welcoming than normal.

His mind was suddenly going back to everything he wanted to clarify. What were they? Friends? More than that? Phil had no clue. He watched Dan look himself over in the mirror, straightening his hair and attempting to get it to cooperate. He could so easily bring it up now, a few words seeking clarification breezing past his lips effortlessly. Maybe he just didn’t want to ruin this morning’s easy atmosphere, because Phil kept his mouth shut, instead happily watching Dan get ready for the day. 

“Are you ever gonna get out of bed?” Dan eventually asks, slipping out of his joggers to pull on some actual pants. Phil shrugs, and pulls the covers up higher over his body. Dan rolls his eyes. 

“Never.” His voice is muffled by the blanket, but Dan still knows what he said. 

“Right,” he chuckles, waltzing over to the bed to peel the covers back for a moment. “Come downstairs with me? I’m hungry.”

“I thought we just went over the fact that I’m never getting out of bed,” Phil pouted. “You should be supportive of my decisions.”

“I’d be more supportive of your decisions if they included joining me for breakfast.” Dan smiled. “C’mon, please?”

Phil groaned, but slowly started to swing his legs over the edge of the bed, rubbing at his eyes and running a hand through his hair. “I’ll be a while.”

“Meet me down there, then?” Dan asked. Phil nodded, giving him another sleepy smile as he fully sat up properly for the first time that morning. Dan leaned forwards to plant a quick kiss on Phil’s lips before he was moving to leave the room and head downstairs, leaving Phil with a thousand questions on the tip of his tongue. 

By the time Phil had made his way to his own room to get dressed and ready for the day, half an hour had passed. He kept getting distracted by his own thoughts. 

They had the day off today, and Phil didn’t really know what they’d get up to. He hoped that he’d be able to hangout with Dan for the majority of the day, though. By the end of it he might have worked up the nerve to ask one of the increasingly confusing questions at the front of his mind. 

When he wanders into the kitchen, Dan is sat alone at the breakfast bar. There are a few other guys, but none Phil’s ever really carried a conversation with. He spots Luke and Curtis talking while sat at the larger dinner table, but Phil pays them no mind as he heads over to the more familiar face. Dan looks up almost as soon as Phil takes a step forward.

“How long does it take you to get up in the morning?” Dan laughed, patting the empty stool next to him. Phil shakes his head, sitting next to him, and is surprised to see two non eaten bowls of cereal on the counter. Dan must have seen his gaze. “I figured I’d wait for you to eat.”

“Oh,” Phil replies, smiling outwardly and inwardly at the gesture of Dan’s. “Thanks.”    
Dan slides one bowl over to him, and they spend the next ten or so minutes eating in comfortable silence, because they didn’t need to carry a conversation to gain anything from the other’s presence. Just the reminder that the other was there was enough.

There was nothing planned for the day. The network usually let them have two to three days a week where a camera wasn’t being shoved in their faces, and Phil liked to cherish those days when they came along. He’d maybe share a brief call with his mom, sleep in, wander the house aimlessly, or sit around with Dan. He usually sat around with Dan.

“So,” Dan starts, finishing his last bite of breakfast. Phil’s still got a bit to go. “What do you have in mind for the day?”

Phil shrugged as he swallowed another mouthful of cereal. “Didn’t give it any thought.”

Dan observed him silently for a moment or two, and Phil was reminded of just how easy time spent with him was. They weren’t obligated to do or be anything. It set him at ease.

Eventually they head into the empty living room, as neither of them really had a plan.

“I wish there was a piano here,” Dan sighs with a frown, flopping down onto the couch. Phil settles beside him. “I miss playing.”

“Do you take lessons?” Phil asks. Dan shakes his head.

“I taught myself, mostly.” He replies. “I used to take lessons, but my teacher hated me.”

“I can’t imagine why.” Phil says, and Dan smiles. 

“I could’ve taught you how to play if there was one here,” Dan comments. Phil hums thoughtfully. 

“Lost cause, I think.” He says with a shrug. Dan waves him off.

“We’re gonna lounge around all day then?” Dan suggests, changing the subject as he leans his head back against a propped up arm.

“I’m down.” Phil answers. “As if we were gonna do anything else.”

“I mean, we could have a pushup competition,” Dan observes. “One-v-one me in pushups, bro.” Dan does a ‘rock on’ symbol with his hands, and Phil laughs brightly. 

“Or not.”

“Come on, I bet I could beat you.”

“I bet you could too.” Phil laughs, rolling his eyes. Dan pouts, accepting defeat, but the smile is soon returned to his face.

The day is spent in quiet conversation. Everyone else seems to have something to do or someone to talk with, so nobody really bothers the two. Derek walks past one of the rooms and gives them a look once, but that’s about the pinnacle of their stress for the day. Collin and Luke also make their way through the various rooms a few times going from place to place, but they don’t stick around for more than a brief hello. Honestly, Phil is grateful. 

The more time he spends with Dan, the more he comes to terms with what he wants. It’s like each second is a puzzle piece missing from this bigger picture, and Phil hasn’t quite been able to find and put all the pieces together yet. He thinks he might be making some progress, today especially. 

Whenever Dan laughs avidly, or shoots him a fond look, Phil’s confidence grows in his chest. He feels reassurance and validation, and he really hopes he’s reading this right. He really hopes that Dan does want something bigger than a filing to come out of this.

By the end of the day, with an hour or so to sunset, Dan and Phil find themselves wandering out to the back garden as more and more people seem to be milling about the house in preparation for dinner. Not quite ready to eat, the two escape the now crowded rooms inside and retreat to the hammock in the back. Phil doesn’t think he’s ever seen anyone use it, but is happy to be one of the first; even more happy to be with Dan.

They end up laying in the hammock together, Phil holding Dan softly against his chest as the hammock sways back and forth gently in the light breeze of the evening. Despite Phil’s sweatshirt and the warmth that the brunette in his arms gave him, he could still feel some slight chill in the air. 

“Being here makes me question everything.” Dan sighs lightly as he plays with Phil’s fingers against his chest. Phil hums as some of Dan’s hair blows in the slight breeze and tickles at his cheek. “I feel like I have to have a reason for everything I do, and- I don’t know. I’ve lost sight of the reason.”

Phil snakes a foot around Dan’s ankle where their legs lie at the end of the hammock in a comforting gesture, also wanting to be as close to Dan as physically possible. He takes Dan’s fidgeting fingers and traps them in his palm, lacing their fingers comfortably.

“You don’t always have to have a reason.” Phil attempts to assure, hoping his voice wasn’t too muffled by Dan’s hair for the other to hear him. He doesn’t think it cases a problem, because Dan shrugs lightly against him.

“I feel like I should.” Dan says, twisting around and sitting up slightly so that he can look Phil in the eyes. The hammock rocks slightly as he does it, and Phil comes to realize that he’s surprised that they haven’t fallen out of it yet. “There’s more than enough self doubt to go around.”

“None of which you need,” Phil reminds, smiling gently up at him and poking a teasing finger at Dan’s chest. It earns a half hearted smile. 

“Right.” Dan rolls his eyes, shooting Phil a look. Phil just shrugs, coy smile on his face as he squeezes Dan’s hand where their fingers are still interlaced.

“I mean it.” He assures. Dan’s smile grows just a little more as he leans back down into Phil’s embrace, only to connect their lips moments later. Phil smiles into their kiss, too, as this one was far less rushed than their last. This one was slow, and Phil felt comfortable and warm and like he belonged to something. 

“What are we?” Phil asks, blowing the words out past his lips before he can overthink it all and stop himself. Dan stops short, inches away from Phil, but he doesn’t move forward again to reconnect their mouths. He closes his eyes momentarily though, and seems to collect his thoughts before opening them again.

“I don’t know,” he replies, somewhat brushing the question away. The balloon of anticipation in Phil’s chest deflates slightly. “Should I?”

“I don’t know.” Phil repeats. The silence sits between them for a moment or two, but neither look away. “I- just don’t know where you want to go with this sometimes, and I don’t know where we stand.”

“I thought we were taking this day by day.” Dan says, brushing a piece of Phil’s hair away from his eyes. Phil exhales. 

“I know, I’ve just been wondering what direction we’re headed.” He admits, suddenly unable to meet Dan’s eyes entirely. 

“I don’t think we need to know.” Dan smiles. “You want this though, yeah?”

Phil didn’t know exactly what ‘this’ was, but he nodded his head anyways. “Yeah.”

“Then we’ll figure it out when we figure it out. I want this too.”

“Why are we here though, Dan?” Phil asks, more questions suddenly springing to the forefront of his mind. “We’re on a show where the prize is falling in love with a girl. I don’t want that.”

Dan just goes quiet, and suddenly Phil feels like he might not want to know what the reply might be. The brunette remains trapped in thought for what Phil feels like is eternity before he decides to speak again.

“‘After’ is one of my least favourite words.” Dan admits. Phil raises an eyebrow. “I don’t want to lose anything.”

“You won’t lose me if we leave, Dan.”

“I still worry.” He replies. “And I can’t help that. I’m not ready to walk away from this yet.”

Phil didn’t know what that meant. He didn't’ know what Dan could possibly imply from all of that. His heart was locked around the revolving thought that Dan wanted what they had, even if they didn’t label it quite yet. Despite knowing somewhere in the back of his head that he should keep an open eye and an open mind to anything, he wanted to focus on the shred of hope. 

“Yeah,” Phil says, and exhale on his lips. He understands where Dan’s coming from, and why making a big decision like this right now might stress him out. “Okay.”

Dan leans forward to kiss him again, and Phil feels the nerves in his chest begin to unwind. His hands find the hem of Dan’s sweater and hold the soft fabric as their lips move in tandem, Dan’s touch reassuring while Phil tried to soak it all in, wanting to remember the feeling and store it away deep in his chest so that he could feel it wherever he went.  

That’s when Phil heard the crunch of leaves under someone’s feet, and a small intake of breath that wasn’t Dan’s.

“Oh.” It wasn’t Dan’s voice, either. 

Dan jumps away from Phil, nearly tipping the entire hammock as he sits up so abruptly that Phil has to cling to the edge of the fabric to steady them both. Phil looks up at Dan’s now panic stricken face and then closing his eyes momentarily before opening them to reveal whoever had stumbled upon them.

“I’m, uh-” 

Collin stood just beyond the bush, a look of pure surprise and shock adorning his features. He was still a few good metres away, but Phil knew that he’d seen them, and that they couldn’t just string a few sentences together to get them out of this. Phil eventually stopped gaping at Collin despite his thudding heart, and looked back to Dan. Dan had stopped looking at Collin too, and was instead looking down at the ground and the hammock beneath it. Phil sighed, realizing that he was going to have to be the one to talk. 

“Hi,” He smiled awkwardly. Dan would have laughed at him if he didn’t look like he wanted to sink into the earth and never return.

“Hi.” Collin replies with a meek chuckle. He looks from Phil, to Dan, where the brunette is still sat somewhat between Phil’s legs in the hammock, and quirks an eyebrow. “Sorry, I was just looking for you guys, and someone said they saw you head out this way. Didn’t mean to interrupt.” 

Phil sighs. Collin smiles, and roughly runs a hand through his hair.

“We, uh-” Phil starts. Dan eventually looks up at Phil, and Phil gets distracted mid excuse. He doesn’t know what he would have come up with anyway.

“How much do you know, exactly?” Dan cuts to the chase, seeming to have come to terms with the fact that a) pretending it didn’t happen was a lost cause and b) Phil’s lack of skill with words was only going to make this worse for both of them.

“Well, I know that most of the rumours going around the house about you are true.” He tries to joke. Dan just nods solemnly. Phil offers him a weak smile. 

“Apparently so.” Phil shrugs. Collin lets out a curt laugh and  starts to approach them more. Dan starts  moving to stand. 

“Look, if it helps, I’m not gonna tell.” Collin offers. Dan stops and looks up again. 

“You’re not.” Phil repeats, looking for confirmation. Collin nods with a shrug.

“I mean, this doesn’t hurt me.” He explains. “Though, why are you two here if you, you know-”

“I-

“We-”

Neither Dan or Phil really had an answer, so they cut each other off and then stayed quiet. Phil was the one to meet eyes with Collin and shrug, finishing his earlier attempt at explaining. “We’re taking it day by day.”

“Right.” Collin nods somewhat confusedly. Phil’s confused with Dan’s wanting to take this ‘day by day’ at this point too, so he can only imagine Collin’s sudden confusion having just walked into this situation. “I’ll leave you to it then.” He says, backing up once more. “And if you ever need help with, I don’t know, something? I’d be happy to help.”

Dan nods at him, and shoots him a halfhearted smile. Phil swears he can hear the brunette’s heartbeat. Collin turns his back on them to leave, then, and Phil stops him.

“Hey Collin?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Collin nodded once more before retreating back into the house.

“Okay,” Phil starts. “So that’s a slight inconvenience.”

Dan just took a heavy breath, and Phil brought a hand to rub comfortingly at the small of his back. 

“Are we doing the right thing, Phil?” Dan asked quietly. Phil withdrew his hand. He kind of wanted to point out that he didn’t really know what they were doing, but decided to keep it quiet. When Phil didn’t speak, Dan got up from the hammock and offered Phil a small smile and a hand to help him out of the hammock. Phil took it, and they wordlessly started to head back into the house. Dan’s touch against his palm was so light that Phil could have sworn that the brunette was trying not to break him or leave any fingerprints.

Dan dropped their hands as they got to the porch, and slid inside and into the small crowd of guys without checking over his shoulder to see if Phil were following. He did, of course, as he really didn’t have anywhere else that he could go.

Jess ended up showing that night, as if Phil needed any more of a reminder that he didn’t want to be here. She was so kind, and smiley, and and sweet, and she didn’t deserve Phil lying to her about his intentions here. WIth a heavy sigh, he tried to distract himself from her by engaging in conversation with the guy around him, but that was so much harder without Dan by his side.

Dan had slipped away to talk with another group of people without Phil noticing. Phil had yet to actively seek him out under the impression that Dan probably needed some time to his thoughts. He also knew that Dan was probably overthinking it, as he always did, but Phil had a feeling that his input might make it worse as his presence was currently one of the things the brunette was worrying about. 

Collin ended up joining the small circle that Phil was currently talking in, consisting of Luke and Charlie. He gave Phil a bright smile, and Phil didn’t like having to trust someone that he didn’t even know very well. Jess ended up dropping by to share a few words, though Phil didn’t contribute all too much. He offered her a few strained smiles and half assed replies, and she seemed to notice that he wasn’t up for too much conversation today. By the time that she left, Collin must have noticed too, because he elbowed Phil during a break in conversation to catch his attention, and shot him a questioning look.

“Hey, where did Dan get off to?”

“I don’t know.” Phil shrugged in what he hoped was an indifferent way. Collin quirked an eyebrow, but Phil went to change the subject. “Do you think they’ll change the style of the group dates and things next week? I mean, the show is bound to mix it up at some point.” Honestly, Phil didn't care about the dates. He could obviously care less, but he was desperate to keep the conversation from swaying to the topic of Dan, especially right now.

Collin looked at him for a long moment. “Possibly.”

“I hope so. The routine is getting boring.” Luke laughed. “I’d much rather go on a helicopter ride with Jess to Vienna or something.”

“There’s an ocean or two in the way, pal.” said Charlie.

“It’d be a good ass helicopter.” Luke replied with a grin, and Charlie laughed brightly. Phil chuckled slightly, shaking his head. 

“Right.” Collin muses, knocking Luke’s shoulder jokingly.

Phil, seeing the open ended conversation, sees his gap and decides to make a move to leave. The night was certainly taking its toll on him, and he would surely benefit from a few more hours of sleep before the day’s filming tomorrow. 

He also kind of wanted to track Dan down before, meaning to offer him a quick goodbye and hopefully some reassurance. Knowing him, Dan would have a hard time sleeping tonight if he had too many questions and not enough answers to go around, and that was the last thing Phil wanted. He could at least try and do his part in helping Dan’s well being, right?

“I think I’m gonna head up to bed in a bit,” Phil starts, taking a step back. “Might grab a quick something to eat first. Have you seen Dan?” He directs his last question more so at Collin. Collin smiles slightly. 

“Saw him across the room a few minutes ago. He slipped outside.” He helps.

“Thanks,” Phil smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Night, Phil.” Collin nods his head, offering a small wave as Phil turns.

He immediately scans the far side of the room in the general direction in which Collin had directed him in, but sees no familiar head of brown hair. The crowd in the room has thinned out considerably, so Phil heads outside to poke his head around out there. There are some guys with beer now sitting on the porch, but Phil doesn’t see Dan among them, so he continues on into the garden. Dan often liked to go back there. 

As he passed the group of drinking guys, he could have sworn he heard one of them mention his own name and Dan’s in the same breath, but didn’t try to catch their sentence. Instead, he hopped down the steps and onto the green grass, winding his way around the back of the house. He suddenly heard a very familiar laugh and immediately knew he was on the right track, but when he rounded the corner he hadn't expected, nor wanted to see.

Dan was kissing Jess, leaning against the back wall of the house, and Phil’s chest felt like it was full of tiny shards of glass. He made a squeaking noise in the back of his throat, but neither Dan nor Jess heard him. Instead, Phil watched on helplessly, unable to make himself look away. He wondered if Jess’s chest felt like it was full of thousands of fireflies like Phil’s always was when he kissed Dan. 

When the two broke away, and Dan looked up to finally notice Phil standing there, he opened his mouth like he was going to say something. Before he could get it out, Phil was turning quickly on his heel, heading back towards the house planning to leave as quickly as he’d come. He felt hollow.

 

“What?” Jess laughed, smiling and gesturing to where Dan was now gaping at the empty garden. He closed his mouth. Jess’s arms were still looped around his neck. Where her skin touched his, it burned. 

“Oh, uh, nothing.” He smiled. “Could have sworn I saw something.”

“Jumpy, are you?” Jess giggled, leaning into press their mouths together once more. Dan met her with slight reluctance. All he could think about was the sadness on Phil’s face when he’d looked up, and the way his heart now felt like it weighed eight thousand tonnes inside his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (sorry.)  
> i've made a rebloggable version of sidetracked on tumblr, so if you're one of those people who bookmark fics that way / you just wanna show your general support then you can do so with this link :)  
> http://phanimist.tumblr.com/post/152657449800/sidetracked  
> i swear to god i argued with the html trying to make it an actual link but i give up so here have it love it take it and i'll seeya soon


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> among other things, phil confronts dan, and doesn't necessarily get an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear every sunday i surprise myself with being able to update. fair warning, my life gets really busy towards the end of november and into december, so i'm going to try my very hardest to maintain the udpate schedule but i can't promise anything. regardless, i will be finishing this story. also please don't hate me for this chapter's ending. shoutout to courtney (love ya) for the group date idea for this chapter!
> 
> playlist for this chapter if ya want it: [alexis g zall's 'songs to listen to when you're sexually confused'](https://play.spotify.com/user/12142762899/playlist/6dxzZvFMpA8w2ql0UDHuOo)

 

Should he really have allowed himself to settle into such a naive mindset? Phil wasn’t sure how he hadn’t seen this whole chain of events coming. He should have been able to tell that something was going to go wrong way sooner than he did. He should have been expecting it. He should have been ready to be inevitably let down, just like had always been let down in the past.

Phil should have known that luck just wasn’t his thing. It never had gone his way in the past. It was always him getting the short straw, and this was no different. Why would Dan pick him when he could have any guy or girl he could ever want? Dan was prettier, smarter, more charismatic than he was. He could do a lot better than Phil.

When Phil woke up in the morning, the bed was cold despite how tightly the blankets were wrapped around him. They were pulled tight up to his chin, but it wasn’t helping to change his body temperature. It also wasn’t helping him ward away the feeling of dread and sadness floating in his chest, but after being stuck awake for hours and hours last night not having been able to fall asleep, Phil wasn’t sure it would ever go away. 

It was nearing 8am. The wakeup call would be knocking at his door soon, alerting people they had half an hour to get downstairs. Phil was contemplating packing his bags and walking straight out the front door when they came knocking on his. He really was.

When someone finally does come, Phil knows he’s not about to boldly walk right out the door. He’s not like that. The voice that calls out to him from the hallway is a familiar one, but it’s not the voice he was somehow longing to hear and longing to hide from all at the same time. It was Collin’s.

“Hey Phil?”

“Yeah, one sec.” Phil answers, pushing himself out of bed to open the door to his room. Collin is standing there with a welcoming smile.

“Downstairs in half an hour, yeah?”

Phil nods, and Collin observes him for a moment before nodding in turn and heading back down the hallway towards the stairs. Phil watches him disappear back down the stairs before returning to his own room, contemplating what to wear. There was a date card today, so Phil had to be prepared for a date if it came to that. 

As he scanned the room and his drawers for any possible outfit, his eyes landed on a somewhat familiar item of clothing crumpled in a ball on the floor. Phil picks it up, and immediately hugs the sweater to his chest and inhales the scent, desperately trying to repress the sadness creeping back up into his head. It was Dan’s sweater that he must have left in here the other night from when they fell asleep.

Phil should have known that he didn’t have a chance. 

When he finally slipped into the living room at the latest possible moment he could before filming would start, he noticed Dan trying to meet his gaze out of the corner of his eye. He deliberately sat on the opposite side of the room, refusing to acknowledge the other, but did feel a heavy emotion in his chest when Dan’s eyes became downcast. Phil almost went running back to him right then, but he was quick to remind himself that it wasn’t that easy. Dan wasn’t his to run back to. 

Phil stole one glance over at him, but Dan was looking at the ground. That’s when the host walked in, lively as usual, with a date card in hand. Phil prayed to any force that might exist that he wouldn’t have to go. 

“Change of plans today, boys.” The host clapped. Phil sighed. He was doomed. “You’re all going on the date today, seeing as your numbers have dwindled. It’s gonna start coming down to the wire soon, so you should all make sure to bring your biggest smiles today. Jess’ll be meeting you on sight.”

Everyone seemed to stand simultaneously, heading towards the door, so Phil could only reflexively follow. He couldn’t think of a less desirable thing to be doing with his day at this point. 

Once they’d stepped outside, Phil immediately noticed the giant school bus sitting outside the house. He nearly groaned, on the verge of getting high school flashbacks. It was then that he was startled by someone setting a hand on his upper arm, slowing him in his tracks. 

“Hey,” Dan greeted, smiling with an incredibly hopeful undertone. Phil half assed a smile in return, but continued walking forward. 

“I see they really upped the budget for transportation,” Dan tried again, nodding his head towards the bus and walking a little closer to Phil. Their arms brushed. Phil had to take a deep breath.

“Yeah.” He replied simply. The one word answer had Dan shrinking back.

Phil was rather conflicted. He didn’t know whether to let Dan back in or not. At this point, he knew what the smart option was, yet he was still drawn to Dan in an inexplicable way. 

When they got onto the bus, Phil sat down in one of the first rows. He exhaled deeply when Dan sat in the seat across from him. 

“What do you think they’ll have us do today?” Dan asked after a good few minutes of tense silence, Phil staring straight ahead like he didn’t know how to do anything else. The bus had finally started moving.

“Dunno,” He answered simply. Dan opened his mouth to reply, but closed it. Phil shrugged, turning back to face forward. The guys at the back of the bus were incredibly loud, but Phil felt like Dan still might be able to hear his heartbeat. 

Dan shuffled across the aisle to slip from his seat to a now shared one with Phil. Phil shifted to put some more space between them. Dan tried to meet his eye but Phil wouldn’t make it easy. Finally, Dan’s hands started to tap rhythmically on Phil’s knee, and Phil looked over.

“Are you okay?” Dan asked really quietly. Phil just kind of looked at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“What do you want me to tell you?” He answered. Dan shrunk ever so slightly in his seat. 

“Just be blunt.”

“Not particularly.”

Dan nodded somberly. Phil turned to look out the window, kind of wanting to ask the bus driver to stop so he could walk all the way back home. Dan was probably opening and closing his mouth looking for something to say. Phil didn’t bother to confirm his suspicions. He knew Dan’s tendencies well enough by now to assume it.

“I thought we agreed not to let Jess come between us.”

“This is a little different, Dan.” Phil snapped almost immediately, the stress obviously getting to him and affecting his level headed thinking. He took a deep breath. “I don’t know what to think.”

“I don’t know either.” Dan replied quietly. He reached to take Phil’s hand across the seat. Phil didn’t move his hand, but didn’t fight Dan either. He just kind of sat there, and willed for the bus ride to be over. He longed for the air between them to loosen up again, but knew deep down that he should be being incredibly reluctant about all of this. He could end up being hurt even more.

 

Phil put all his might into the task at hand, but he couldn’t help but be pulled off of his feet. He stumbled forward over the centre line, signifying defeat for the guys across from him. 

The last thing he wanted right now was to be involved in a game of tug of war, yet here he was. He hadn’t won a single game yet, bringing his team down time and time again. It wasn’t helping that he was in a group with Derek, either, who was anything but the positive reinforcement that Phil needed.

“Come on, Phil.” Derek muttered as if on cue, brushing past him to sulk over to where everyone was off to the side. Phil tried to brush it off, he really did, but one might say that he was having a pretty shitty day. 

“We’re gonna be working with teamwork today,” Jess had said excitedly. Phil had resisted the urge to groan out loud when she’d introduced the challenge. She had to be kidding. Turns out, she hadn’t been.

As Phil went to stand at the back by himself, Dan came up to rest a hand on his shoulder before his group was up. They hadn’t won yet either. Phil tried to give him a reassuring smile, not wanting to throw everything he had with Dan completely out the window just because he’d had his feelings pretty hurt.

As Dan’s group stepped up, they put Dan at the front. Strategically, it was probably the smartest thing to do. Phil had been put there too, being the weakest.

Sure enough, it didn’t take long before Dan was stumbling over the line, his team losing yet again. At least Dan had Collin on his team, and he was there to give Dan a reassuring pat on the back. Derek just scoffed from somewhere to Phil’s left. 

“I can think of a few instances where I’ve had more fun than this.” Dan says as he reaches Phil’s side. Phil hums in acknowledgement, not fully diverting his attention to Dan.

Honestly, he kind of wanted to see what Dan’s game plan was. Was Phil a form of entertainment for him? Did he genuinely care? Was he gonna try and set things right? Phil didn’t know, so he planned to sit back and watch this play out a little, as much as it pained him to do so. 

Dan lets the silence sit for a moment or two before jumping to fill it again.

“Are we-”

“Alright, next groups!” Jess calls. She’s been sitting off to the side excitedly this whole time, being overly positive, and Phil would honestly like to see her try and do this at this point. In a way, he’s kind of glad that Dan doesn’t get the chance to ask his question.

It’s his team and Dan’s against each other, though, so Phil can’t run from him just yet.

“Try not to lose this one, yeah?” Derek mumbles behind him. Phil turns and shoots him a halfhearted look before facing forwards again. Dan’s laughing under his breath, and Phil shakes his head slightly in response despite the smile slipping onto his face. Dan got it. Dan always got it. 

“Alright boys, you ready?” Jess called. Phil sighed heavily almost in sync with Dan across from him, and the two made eye contact. They were both silently laughing at each other when Jess announced that they were to start pulling, and they were both, therefore, almost pulled off of their feet at the get-go.

Since both teams were relatively weak, it was an even match. Phil was increasingly surprised when his team gained a good few steps or two, and he could feel Derek’s breath on his neck. It was almost enough to make him want to drop the rope entirely and stop pulling, but he held through.

In a final surge of effort, Phil’s team pulled hard on the rope and sent Dan’s team crashing across the line. Dan made a squeaking noise of sorts and ended up nearly knocking Phil over along with him, but Phil’s reflexes were luckily quick enough to keep them both upright. That left him standing very close to Dan, and though they were standing in a group of cheering and groaning guys, Phil couldn’t hear a thing except his heartbeat yet again. It was Dan’s gulp that had him snapping back to reality. No. He was done chasing. 

Phil stepped back and shot Dan a half smile before turning to his group, accepting a high five from Collin along the way. 

He didn’t turn back to see Dan sigh and close his eyes, taking a deep breath as he let his hands fall back to his side. Collin did, though, as he seemed to have a long lasting streak of seeing directly into whatever was going on. He approached Dan cautiously, and Dan didn’t have enough time to think of an excuse to get out of the conversation before Collin was at his side.

“You good?” He asked generally, hand hovering over Dan’s shoulder as he decided how he should comfort. He ended up dropping his hand.

“Yeah, yeah.” Dan waved him off, gaze still trailing after Phil. 

He’d really fucked up. He knew that, yet for some reason he couldn’t find the words within himself to fix everything. 

By the end of the day they’d suffered through two more team based challenges. Phil had half assed his way through all of them. So what if he went home this week? It would make no difference to him at this point if Dan couldn’t make up his mind as to what he wanted.

When they finally get back to the house, Phil has a mini debate with himself as to what to do. Normally he’d go off to some quiet part of the house with Dan, but that likely wasn’t an option today. He was also currently starving, though the dining room would be occupied by everyone else trying to get food. The idea that Dan would be among that crowd is the thing that draws Phil to picking that option. Plus, the food as also still a big pro. 

Phil tries not to notice the way Dan’s eyes immediately leap to him when he enters the room. He tries to act natural about not meeting that gaze, and tries not to show just how much he’s missed the brunette when he inevitably wanders over to his side. It’s completely wordless, but they make their way to where the food is laid across the table together and Phil oddly feels considerably less lonely in the big room.

They make their way towards one of the couches and fall onto it, food on plates in their laps, and settle next to each other. Phil’s pleasantly surprised when conversation picks up just like it had before their little crisis, and though he knows that he can’t run from this he also knows that he wants to have this. He wants this enough to bask in the moment for awhile before his common sense pulls him back to reality and he asks Dan what this is all about. He needs to ask Dan what they’re all about. 

“Did you hear any of his grumbling though?” Phil rolls his eyes, eating another mouthful of pasta while Dan shakes his head curiously, willing Phil to continue his complaints about Derek. “He was so pissed that we kept losing. I’m telling you.” Dan chuckles lightly. “Seriously. He probably wanted to blame me for the shitty economy and child labour with the mood he was in.”

“How is he honestly still around?” Dan asks, glancing across the room at where Derek was stood. He looked to be scowling at whoever he was talking to, and Phil had to wonder if the scowl actually ever left his face.

“For the same reason we’re still here, I guess.”

“What, for the looks?” Dan asks. “That would explain why you’re still here.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “No, I mean the drama.”

“Oh, that too.” Dan chuckles. “It might be the ‘looks’ theory though, honestly. Anyone would watch a show if someone with a face like yours was in it.” 

Phil laughs lightly, shaking his head slightly despite being moderately shaken by the comment. It felt weird for Dan to be flirting with him, seeing as Phil didn’t know where they stood together anymore. 

The night gets away from them, in all honestly. Phil’s too wrapped up in the fact that they slipped back into the normal way of doing things to really have the desire to fight it and bring up what he knew was going to come to be the elephant in the room.

He stayed quiet because Dan’s eyes were bright and he looked hopeful and he looked happy and Phil always wanted him to look like that. When their knees brushed as they sat comfily on the couch, Phil could feel the butterflies in his chest all over again. It’s like they were playing cat and mouse yet again, blushing when a smile was shot their way and averted gazes were met with content smiles. 

Dan laughs at something Phil said, and lifts a hand to his mouth to muffle it. Phil grins. He loves this. 

 

It’s maybe an hour or so later, and everyone’s moved outside. Dan and Phil are still on the couch, everyone else in the room having long ago filed out. They’re sitting even closer than they had been before, as if trying to soak in some of the warmth that they’d been missing.

“I want to be back in my own bed, you know?” Phil sighs, he rests his chin on his hands, head tilted to look at Dan properly. Dan nods in a form of agreement.

“I miss the familiarity.” He comments, looking at Phil with comfort in his eyes. “You make it feel a little more like home, at least.” Phil smiles involuntarily, gaze softened.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean, I’m comfortable with you.” He explains. “I don’t like being something I’m not.”

“I don’t know why you’d want to be, when you’re you.” Phil replies. Dan’s smile is so genuine and soft that Phil feels like melting.

Dan leans forward to peck Phil lightly on the cheek. His touch is feather light on Phil’ skin. He immediately smiles and turns right back to face Dan full on, expression bright. He leans in and kisses Dan without a thought, eager lips finding each other. Dan’s fingers come to trace the curve of Phil’s jaw, and Phil’s hands find Dan’s hips, and the kiss almost feels so happy that Phil forgets entirely their seemingly distant sense of distance. 

No, Phil wasn’t playing this game anymore. He has to remind himself of this a few times, rolling the concept over in his head before he can finally bring himself to pull away from Dan. 

He ignores the voice in the back of his head telling him that that might have been the last time he would kiss Dan, depending on how this went. 

“What are we?” He asks bluntly. Dan’s eyes widen slightly. “I mean, just, where are we going?”

“I-” Dan stops. “I don’t know.”

It’s Phil’s turn to stop and gather his thoughts. “I see you with Jess in the garden the other night, Dan, and I know that’s what this show is about, but what about us? What am I to you?”

Dan stays quiet, so Phil continues, standing from the couch in hopes that moving around a little will dull the sudden presence of nerves in his veins. It doesn’t, but he stays standing anyway. He looks at Dan, and Dan’s looking up at him, and Phil just wants to stop beating around the bush.

“Do you want this?” Phil asks. Dan sighs exasperatedly.

“I don’t know at all what I want. That’s why I’m here. I’m confused.”

“Do you want something to come of us?” Phil asks. Another thought dawns on him. “Or am I your backup plan if Jess doesn’t work out?”

“No, Phil, it’s not like that at all,” Dan assures. He’s standing now too, reaching forward to take Phil’s hands, but Phil isn’t gonna be won over that easily today. “I’m just still not sure what to feel about who.”

“Right. Okay.” Phil says. He suddenly doesn’t want to be here, and kind of needs to think, so he turns and starts to head upstairs. 

“Phil, wait-” Dan says, reaching out and taking his arm. Phil stops, giving him the benefit of the doubt. “I don’t want to lose you. Don’t do this.”

“Why don’t we just agree to leave then, Dan?” Phil says, looking Dan dead in the eyes as he searched for his answer. As soon as Dan’s gaze fell to the floor, Phil’s chest deflated.

“I can’t do that. I don’t want to hurt Jess.” 

“What about hurting me?” Phil says meekly. Dan looks up, looking as sad as Phil suddenly feels. He doesn’t quite know how he got into this mess, nor does he know how he’s gonna get out of it without hurting himself or someone else. 

When Dan doesn’t have an answer for him

Phil makes it up the stairs and to the doorway of his room before Dan is back at his side. 

“Phil, stop, I’m sorry.” He says.

“I don’t want this. I never wanted to be here for Jess, you know that? I never stayed for her.” Phil finally says it, and it’s like the weights have finally been lifted off of his chest only to come crashing down around them, shaking the ground at their feet. “It was always you, Dan, and I’m done. I’m not accepting another rose. If you really wanted this, we could have agreed to leave weeks ago.”

“Trust me, Phil, I want to be with you, I really do, but-”

“But you want to be with Jess too, don’t you?” Phil assumed sadly, cutting him off mid sentence. Dan looked pained as he stepped forwards, looking desperately to get his point across.

“I came here because I wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t like boys, Phil. I don’t know what to do.” He urged, gripping Phil’s hands in his own like he was never letting go again. “My family could never- I don’t know how they would take something like that. I wanted to show myself that I could fall in love with a girl, that I was just like everybody else and that I didn’t need to overthink anything. Things didn’t quite end up that way for me.”

Phil began to withdraw his hands, even when Dan squeezed them tighter, but he managed to get them free, stepping back. Dan simply stepped forwards again, longing to continue, to make sure Phil could at least know the truth; know why this was eating away at him inside his head. 

“I want to be with you, Phil. I meant what I said, but-” Dan stops himself, letting go of a heavy sigh, dropping his eyes to the ground. “-Jess, she-.”

“I don’t want to be someone you end up with when you just get sidetracked _ ,  _ Dan.” Phil said, cutting him off, voice strained and confused as he gestured with his hands. Dan looked pained by his words.

“You’re not just a back road I happened to take when the other routes don’t work out, Phil. I want to be here with you.” Dan lowered his voice, looking up at Phil with eyes full of a pleading that he need to be understood. “I’m just confused.

“It feels like you’re lost.” Phil sighed, eyes fitting around the hallway outside of his room. Just a couple of days ago he felt comfortable standing here, anywhere, in the same space as the brunette, no matter what they might be having to face. Now he just felt overwhelmed.

He felt for Dan, he really did. He knew what it was like to struggle with something as flexible and confusing as a label, but Phil was hurting. He knew that he and Dan could never have something that would work out in the long run if Dan didn’t work things out with himself first. It was for the better, even if it pained Phil to admit it.

“I know that must be hard, having to go through an identity crisis like that, but-” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “-come and find me when you figure it out, okay?” His voice was tired. The words were bitter on his tongue.

“Phil, I want us to work,” Dan reached forwards, taking a hold of Phil’s wrist as he made an effort to turn and leave, but his fingers were merely pushed aside. Dan let his arm drop limp, mouth opening and closing like he meant to say something more. 

Phil eventually took a deep breath as he stared at Dan, unanswered questions on the tip of his tongue. He didn’t ask them. They already had enough to answer.

“I want you to figure out why you’re here. I only ever stayed here because of you.” said Phil, locking eyes with the boy who’d brought him so much joy and so much pain all in the same few breaths. “I would have been gone a long time ago otherwise.”

Phil properly turned into the comfort of his room without giving Dan another second of a glance, letting the door shut between him and the boy he  _ certainly _ had to love by now. He turned his back to the now closed door and rested against it, closing his eyes and breathing deeply in an effort to calm his racing thoughts.

It’s a pity, Phil realized, that the things you love the most ended up being the things that tore you apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all complaints can be sent to @phanimist on tumblr or twitter. have a nice week.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this update is half late bc depending on your timezone as today technically might be monday or it might still be sunday i dunno but all i can say is that's entirely my fault because despite having many things to get done this weekend i decided to watch yuri on ice. i also don't regret it. sorry.  
> also i make a quip at the actual bachelorette show, as well as make a few REALLY LIGHT jokes abt therapy n stuff just a heads up that they're jokes and also character opinions and also i'm just really looking not to start a fight.  
> hope you like this update :) the fluff returns.

 

You have to figure out what’s going through your own head before figuring out what’s going through someone else’s. You have to sort your life out before you go and tangle it up with someone else’s. Sometimes, when you’re already huddled away with someone and you come across a knot, you’ve gotta stop and untie it. 

Phil’s laying in bed facing the ceiling, tapping his hand rhythmically on the mattress beside him. He understood where Dan was coming from. He really did. Since their little argument back in the hallway he’d seen through the motives behind Dan’s indecision. 

He regrets some of the things he said. He was riled up and frustrated and sure, Dan had hurt him, but Phil knew better than to jump to conclusions. He knew to take a step back, so that’s exactly what he was planning to do.

He saw Dan’s traits in himself. Dan’s haste to explain things, jumping from point A to point B without checking to see if Phil was following was all too familiar to him. He did that too, and therefore knew that he should give Dan the chance to explain when they’d both cooled off. He doesn’t think he’s cooled off yet, mind you, but he was getting there.

There’s sadness and hurt still rooted deep in his chest, don’t get him wrong. He doesn’t really feel like getting out of bed. His head’s gone blank save for the odd lingering thought of the past argument. Despite this, Phil does what he does best and pressed a positive persona, lifting himself from beneath the covers. He looks himself in the mirror for a few seconds. He was Phil Lester, with or without Dan. He knew who he was; he was lucky about that. He had to give Dan the chance to figure that out.

Phil almost shrugs Dan’s hoodie on. He hadn’t given it back when he’d found it on his bedroom floor the other day. He holds it in his hands for a second or two before setting it back onto his bed. He pulls his own sweater over his head instead, opting for glasses today. 

Phil almost feels entirely better by the time he heads downstairs, as if his thoughts had been sorted in his head and he knew what he needed to hear and needed to say. He couldn’t say that it was a feeling that he was familiar with.

When nearly everyone’s congregated in the lounge for breakfast, Phil shoots Dan a small smile across the room when they inevitably meet eyes. Dan looks surprised to say the least, but returns the expression after a heartbeat. He doesn’t make his way across the room and over to Phil. He keeps his distance, and Phil is glad.

_ ‘Come and find me when you figure it out, okay?’  _ It’s one sentence from the other night that he doesn’t regret. He likes Dan. He really does, and he wants this, but Dan has to want it too. Whatever Dan ends up picking will be the best choice for them, and therefore Phil. 

In a way, Phil’s still really sad deep down buried away beneath the common sense. Of course he is. This whole situation’s been a lot to take in, though, and if Phil’s learned anything it’s that something may not end up the way it seems like it’s gonna end up. You really can’t tell until it happens. 

 

Dan’s time here had been a composition of question marks, in all honesty. He’d immediate found a place of comfort with Phil while clicking with Jess at the same time. Where he felt strangely in place with Phil, he felt like he’d be smart to be with Jess. Logically, it was what his family wanted.

He remembers the feeling of hope on his mom’s face when he’d been told about the opening auditions for the show. He remembers every girl she’d tried to set him up with. He remembers his brother using slurs whilst his friends laughed, and the stories on the news, and how much he’d heard could go wrong for someone possibly like him.

He also remembers the first time he’d properly noticed how bright Phil’s eyes got when he genuinely smiled, though, and that had been enough to give him the sense that he was going to be okay.

Phil surprisingly smiles at him across the room despite his previous outburst, and once the momentary shock passes Dan gathers the consciousness to smile back. He stays where he is, though, because Phil made himself rather clear. He’d figure this all out first, and then he’d go back to Phil. He felt bad enough already after what could be certainly classified as ‘leading him on’. Whenever he was with Phil he felt this certainty and positivity that he only second guessed when he thought of why he was here, or what people wanted from him. When he was with Phil it was almost like his brain subconsciously slipped into a state of ‘fuck it, what about what I want from myself?’, but Dan was seemingly still stuck in inner turmoil despite this awareness. 

 

There didn’t seem to be a plan for the day. There were cameras fluttering about every now and then, leading them to believe that something was going to happen despite there being no discussed plan. Dan was nervously fluttering between the rooms. Normally, he would have sought Phil out, but that didn’t really fit into their game plan today. Instead, he found himself sitting in the kitchen with Luke and Charlie, two people he didn’t know very well.

He left when they started talking politics. He had a lot of opinions, sure, but he hadn’t thought of ways to articulate them prior to the conversation. He also had more pressing matters on the front of his mind, so he excused himself politely and headed in the general direction of the lounge. 

He had just begun to think of some pros and cons for approaching Phil to engage in a friendly conversation, when the front door to the house suddenly opened, revealing Jess and at least three other camera men. They immediately scattered, one of them covering Dan and Jess’s interaction while the other two darted into the house. Dan was almost so surprised that he forgot to hug Jess back when she wrapped her arms around him, and probably didn’t hear her greeting either. He quickly plastered a smile to his face.

“Hey,” He said happily, his thoughts suddenly scattered. Jess withdrew and gave him a warm look. 

“How’ve you been?” She asked. Dan thought about it for a second.

“I’ve been okay.” He settled on, shrugging dismissively. “You?”

“All over the place,” She grinned. “I signed up for this though, I suppose.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Dan replied quietly. Jess squeezed his upper arm before gesturing that they head towards the lounge. 

Phil raises his eyebrows when Dan and Jess enter the room together. Rather than staying at her side, though, Dan immediately leaves to stand at the side of the room. Phil watches him relocate, trying to fight back the smile on his face. Dan, presumably watching Jess interact with someone across the room, lets his eyes slide over to Phil’s already diverted attention, and they hold the gaze for a moment or two before Dan offers the smallest of smiles. Phil fills his lungs with air and smiles back. It’s the calmest he’s felt all day.

Jess ends up sitting down in a group of three guys, and the room seems to divide. Phil’s still incredibly unsure as to what exactly was happening today. Were there dates? Was it just general filming? Could he retreat to his room without being told off? He’s contemplating sneaking away when suddenly the couch dips beside him, and he looks over, and it’s Dan.

“If I went up to hide in my room do you think they’d all notice?” He asks. Phil has to laugh at the fact that Dan had voiced his exact thoughts. He shakes his head momentarily before letting out a long sigh.

“I’m debating doing it regardless.” He shrugs. “To be honest I don’t think they would.”

“Not with her in the room,” Dan says, gesturing with his head to where Jess was. Phil nods somewhat slowly. “I don’t even know what’s going on.”

“To be honest I haven’t known for weeks,” Phil jokes weakly. Dan chuckles beside him.

“After seeing what goes on here behind the scenes, I no longer feel as if the actual final edited version of this show is any good.” 

“You thought it was good before?” Phil laughs, turning to face him further. Dan’s eyes dance with mirth.

“I mean, it had promise some days-”

“You deadass thought this heteronormative shit was good, didn’t you?”

“I thought the concept was neat! I didn’t entirely see it being something I’d want to engage in myself, but-”

Phil’s too busy trying to muffle his slight laughter, so Dan just stops and shoots him a look.

“Didn’t want to engage, huh?” Phil jokes. “That didn’t go to plan for you, did it?”

“It was originally my mom’s idea.” He admits. “I chose to go through with it on my own terms, but it was initially her idea.”

“Really?” Phil asks. Dan nods. “So like me.”

“Sort of. I figured this might be good for me.”

“And was it?” 

“That depends on how you look at it.” Dan smiles. “It wasn’t good for me based on what I hoped to get from it all if that makes sense, but in the end this hasn’t turned out half bad.”

He says it in a jokey way and has a happy look on his face when he turns back to Phil. Phil smiles in answer, hoping that he had understood Dan’s vague statement of ‘hey, meeting you was actually pretty nice and stuff’.

Dan seems to take a deep inhale of breath during their pause in conversation before angling himself more towards his friend, and Phil raises his eyebrows in curiosity.

“Thanks, by the way.” He says albeit quietly. “I-yeah.”

“For what?”

“For telling me what I needed to hear the other night, I guess.” Dan smiled. “I think I’ve set things straight. Well, not  _ straight  _ straight but like- can we do this somewhere else maybe?”

 

They end up in the empty kitchen. It’s far enough away from the lounge that nobody’s gonna overhear them talking, but still in shared space, leading Phil to believe that all Dan wanted to do was talk. That was reassuring, seeing as they really needed to do that.  Phil already missed Dan despite the fact that they’d only started feeling this sense of distance a day or two ago. 

“Right.” Dan starts. He’s sat up on the counter beside the stool Phil’s chosen to sit on. Phil has to look up a little to properly meet his eyes. “I don’t know how to start.” His eyes are somewhat downcast, and Phil has a mini brainstorm as to how to make him comfortable. He doesn’t come up with an idea by the time that Dan seems to have properly collected his thoughts. 

“I like you.” Dan says. Phil nearly laughs at the statement. They’d already made out multiple times, and Dan was only now coming to terms with this fact? He nearly makes a comment about it, but Dan’s already continuing. “And I came here to prove to myself that I wouldn’t do something like that.”

“What do you mean?” Phil prompts.

“I told myself that if I were to come here, I’d fall in love with a girl because that’s what everyone else on the show ended up doing. I would be proving to myself that that was who I was. I’d be just like everyone else, and I’d be just who other people wanted me to be.”

“Oh.”

“And I didn’t end up doing that. When I was with Jess, I felt like I was doing the right thing in the greater scheme of things. Then I started to properly hang out with you, and-” He pauses. “And I felt like I was doing the right thing for me, you know? I wasn’t forcing myself to be someone I wasn’t.”

Phil stays quiet, looking up at Dan in a state of near awe. He had assumed bits and pieces of why Dan had actually come to the show, and had struggled so much with making a decision, but knowing the full mechanics behind it made him ache for the brunet. 

Dan hops off of the counter then, and Phil turns to remain facing him. 

“I’m so,  _ so _ sorry for putting you through everything that. I shouldn’t have done anything to lead you on only to leave you hanging, or make excuses, or play the victim without properly hearing you out or properly making an effort to be honest or truthful.” says Dan, and Phil’s heart feels like it’s melting. “I’m just really sorry.”

It’s Phil who initiates the hug, standing and moving to wrap his arms around Dan’s neck whilst partially standing on the balls of his feet, face buried into Dan’s shoulder. A smile stretches across his face when Dan inevitably winds his arms around Phil’s waist and rests his head on top of Phil’s. They’re content to stand like that for a moment or two, basking in reassurance for the time being. Phil feels warm.

“I want to give us a proper shot.” Dan mumbles into Phil’s hair. Phil smiles wider than he has in a long time. It nearly slips when Dan speaks again.

“But-” he starts, semi withdrawing from Phil whilst his arms linger on his waist. “I still don’t want to hurt Jess.”

Phil’s eyes fall to the floor, but Dan is quick to bring a finger to his chin, lifting his head once more. 

“Hey, let me finish, yeah?” He reassures. Phil raises an eyebrow. “We need to talk about that. I’d say that we should just stop trying around her. We let her make the final decision to kick us both off, because that way she knows she’s making the right choice for herself, and we don’t have to come out on national television.” He chuckles slightly at the end of his statement, as if he’d said it jokingly, but Phil knows that there’s much truth in the statement. 

“I don’t think-” 

He stops himself short, seeing a flicker of movement in the doorway. He takes a step back from Dan, who withdraws his hands from Phil’s hips just in time for Jess to walk through the doorway, Collin at her side.

“Dan, Phil! I was looking for you.” Dan smiles, but Phil’s bright expression is strained. He still really needed to talk to Dan about this. He didn’t think that waiting for Jess to kick them off was the right idea, and it might not even work. Tension was going to rise if they waited around. Plus, he didn’t like lying. He’d essentially been lying his whole time on the show, and now that he was given a possible escape route with Dan, he really wanted to take it. He’d have to talk it through with Dan at some other point, however, because Jess and Collin seemed to have had really terrible timing. 

“Can I steal you away for a sec?” Jess is looking at Phil when she says it, and Phil has to fake a somewhat cheery nod before heading over to her side in the doorway. Just as he’s about to round the corner and follow the girl away, he looks at Dan, and gives him a brief look despite the fact that Collin is right there. He knows, anyways, so it doesn’t matter.

“Later?” He asks Dan. Dan nods with a reassuring smile, and shoos him away. 

“What’s that about?” Collin asks once Phil and Jess have vanished into the hallway. Dan sighs slightly. 

“We’re still trying to figure things out.” He summarizes. Collin chuckles slightly.

“Still acting out your whole ‘dating in secret’ Romeo and Juliet facade then?”

“We’re not officially dating yet.” Dan points out, smirking to himself slightly. That was another complication and development that the two hadn’t even considered thinking about yet, seeing as they already had more than they could currently manage on their plate to get through. “The minute we get out of here I’m asking him out, I’ll tell you that.”

“Cheers.” Collin laughs, nodding his head at Dan. Dan smiles and shakes his head. Things didn’t look half bad.

 

“So Phil, what’s your family like?”

Phil forces a smile as he thinks. He tries to shape a coherent thought, but all his mind seems to think about is how much he no longer wanted, nor needed to be here. Regardless, he had to be polite whilst still trying to get Jess to become uninterested with him, as per Dan’s request. He still didn’t think that this gameplan was going to work, but seeing as they hadn’t discussed anything else, he had to go along with it for now. 

“Well, I’ve got one brother. We didn’t used to be all that close, but we definately grew closer together once he moved out. What about you? Any siblings?”

“Yeah! I have one younger sister, and it was the exact same way when I moved out. We’re super close now. Don’t tell anyone, but she knows all the spoilers for the show. I haven’t been able to keep the secrets from her.” Phil laughs, but knows very well that Jess knows very well that they’re both being filmed. He doesn’t question it. “Maybe you’ll meet her one day.”

“Yeah.” Phil says shortly, letting some uncertainty and reluctance leak into his voice. Something flashes across Jess’s face momentarily, but he’s not quick enough to catch it.

“I really do hope you guys all have fun around here. You’re still friends with Dan too, right?” She laces their fingers together in Phil’s lap, but Phil doesn’t move his own hand to reciprocate the gesture. 

“Yeah, of course.” Phil smiles. He doesn’t know much much more he should say. 

“That’s good. I feel like-” She stops herself. “I don’t know. You two just click.”

Phil hums in agreement, and Jess nods along. “Yeah, we do.” 

 

By the time Jess and Phil are walking back to the house, still hand in hand, Phil doesn’t know how he could have acted much more uninterested. Jess was still being her usual cheery self, and Phil understood where Dan was coming from when he said that Jess didn’t deserve to be hurt in any way shape or form by them deciding to leave. Still, he felt like trying to get sent home wasn’t the right way to go. They should just be honest. 

Jess had given Phil a rose tonight, and he’d accepted it. It was pinned to his jacket as he and Jess made their way back inside, earning Phil a bunch of sideways looks from the guys all congregated in the lounge. Dan and Collin were sat among them, and Dan was one of the first to meet his eye. He kept his expression blank, but could visibly see the way that Dan sighed. Collin shot him half a smile. Phil could only somewhat return it. 

Jess squeezed Phil’s hand one last time before letting go, giving him a smile as she left his side to integrate herself into another group of guys. 

“Nice catch.” Dan nodded at the rose as Phil approached, and Phil could only groan slightly. 

“This is what I was gonna say,” He began. “Letting Jess decide when to kick us off may be the wrong move.” 

Dan ran a hand through his hair, and Collin moved to stand. He must have realized that this wasn’t entirely his conversation to be a part of. Phil smiled at him slightly as he went to join the group that Jess was currently talking to.

“You don’t think it would be catastrophic to just leave?” Dan asked. Phil shrugged, and Dan sighed again. “I just don’t think I’m that spontaneous.”

Phil let the silence slip over them for a moment or two as they wallowed in thought. “We’ll wait the end of this week out, and then see. Okay?”

“We sort of have to, seeing as you got a rose.” Dan smiled softly. “That’s okay.”

“Probably.” said Phil. Just then, a hand settled on his shoulder. He turned to meet eyes with Jess who was once more coming over to join them.

“Can I steal you away for a bit, Dan?” She smiles. Dan nods briefly before making eye contact with Phil. Phil moves to stand. 

“I’ll be upstairs.” He says as he withdraws, and Dan shoots him a joking thumbs up.

“I’ll come find you.” He replies. Jess sends one last smile in his direction. 

 

Phil debates letting himself into Dan’s room, as his feels oddly quiet and empty, but decides against it. Dan’s wouldn’t be physically better than his own, despite feeling like it was, so he opts to stay where he is. Laying on his bed facing the ceiling, he has room to think, he supposes, so it’s not really that bad at the moment. 

He could finally say that he had a slight idea as to the direction that he was going in. He knew what he wanted to do with himself, and he had a better understanding of where Dan’s head was at, and he felt less overwhelmed by the amount of unknown information he had to acknowledge every day. Sure, he was still stressed about the general concepts like Jess, but it no longer felt unbearable. He was going to get out of this one way or another.

It’s a while before there’s a light knock at the door, though Phil didn’t mind the wait. Time alone with his thoughts wasn’t usually a bad thing. 

“Yeah?” Phil calls, despite knowing what familiar face is behind the door. As expected, Dan pushes past the frame with a somewhat defeated expression. “What-” Before Phil can get his question out, Dan’s tossing a rose onto the bed. It lands at his side, and Phil sighs. “It’s like she knows and she’s making this harder for us.”

“Well, the network probably knows by know,” Dan mumbles somewhat. “We’re anything but discrete lately.”

“Mm,” Phil hums in acknowledgement. During the short break in conversation, Dan scans Phil’s outfit. He’d changed out of his jacket from earlier into an eerily familiar hoodie. It clicks a moment or two later. 

“Is that my sweater?” He smiled, moving over to sit on the edge of the bed where Phil was still laying down. Phil laughed lightly. 

“Yeah. You left it in my room a few nights ago.” He replied. Dan hummed. 

“Looks better on you than it looked on me.”

“I would like to call bullshit,” Phil states, looking pointedly at Dan. Dan waves him off. “I like wearing it because it’s warm. And it smells like you.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“Mhm.”

Dan smiled down at him fondly as Phil started to sit up, moving closer so that their knees touched when they sat cross legged. Phil clasped his hands and rested his head against them. They shared another brief moment of smiles before Phil took a deep breath, and Dan could visibly see the change in conversation coming.

“About earlier-” Phil starts. “Can we talk about our game-plan again? I don’t think that waiting for Jess to kick us off is smart. I really don’t.” Dan takes a heavy breath, but doesn’t contribute, so Phil continues. “It just feels like we’re lying when we don’t have to be at this point.”

“I know.” Dan mumbles. He stays quiet for a moment or two. “I just don’t like making decisions.”

“And you don’t have to make one until after this next rose ceremony since we’re already stuck here,” Phil offered, reaching to his right to pick Dan’s rose up and twirl it in his fingers. The stem had been cut short, so there were luckily no thorns he could hurt himself on. He handed it to Dan with a shy smile. Dan shook his head, but was smiling back when he took it and looked it for a moment or two.

“Yeah, alright.” He says. “I’ll think about it. I just still don’t know how my family would react if us leaving made it onto the final cut.”

“Are they that bad about things like that?” Phil asks with a frown. Dan shrugs. 

“I know my brother throws words he shouldn’t around sometimes just because he’s picked up on that stuff, but I don’t know if he genuinely means it. As for my parents, I think they mean well? I can’t be too sure though, and my paranoia isn’t helping.” He smiles sadly. “I don’t know. They might be fine with it. I just dislike confrontation.”

“Understandably.” Phil comments. “I’m gonna be here with you no matter what happens with all of that, just so you know.” He reassures. Dan smiles lightly as Phil brings his fingers to tap on Dan’s bent knees in a rhythmic fashion. They sit like that for maybe five minutes, comfortable with each other. It was moments like these were Dan really was glad that he’d come to terms with what he was and who he was, at least to an extent. He really liked Phil. 

“It might just be that my mom initially wanted me to come here so that I’d find a girlfriend, yeah? I think it’s the fact that she’s never really considered another partner option for me that has me baffled.”

“Do you think that she may have made a guess at the fact that you might like boys?” Phil asked. Dan thought for a moment, but ultimately shrugged as he didn’t have a complete answer. 

“I don’t actually know. Maybe. There were a few cases in highschool and such where she might have. I don’t think she’d send me here to try and convert me to straight-ism.” Dan jokes. Phil rolls his eyes.

“I think the more commonly used term is heterosexuality-”

“Unfamiliar with it.”

“-Right,” Phil rolls his eyes at Dan’s lame joke. “Regardless, in retrospect, sending your potentially boy-interested-kid to a house full of boys isn’t particularly a smart conversion therapy move. I doubt that’s what she was trying to do.” 

Dan practically snorts as he sputters into laughter, leaving Phil to look onward fondly as he grins and the corners of his eyes crinkle.

Once he finally calms down, he looks at Phil again, but this time with a smile on his face. “I think you’re right though. I’ll still think about it, but- yeah.”

“Alright.” Phil smiles. “You’re the best.”

“I know,” Dan grins, rolling his neck in a way to insinuate a hairflip. Phil scoffs, but starts to push himself up from the bed. He extends a hand to Dan and makes grabby fingers, urging Dan to follow him up. He does. “Where to?”

“I’m hungry.” Phil states. “Come find food with me.”

“Fine, but  _ only _ because I like you so much.” Dan says with a sly smile, putting both of his hands into Phil’s as he steps forward. “You should keep that sweater, but the way. Light grey is a great colour for you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Dan leans in even closer. “Makes your eyes seem even more bright.”

Phil’s the one who reaches to connect their lips softly, but Dan’s the one to take them a step back so Phil’s back is pressed against the door. He can feel the doorknob just at his hip as Dan kisses him back. It doesn’t feel rushed or hungry, but like they have all the time in the world. It makes Phil want to melt. 

After a second or two, Dan smiles against Phil’s lips. Phil allows himself to focus entirely on how happy he feels right now, and how happy he’s going to continue feeling once they finally get away from this mess of a show. It’s the only way he’s getting by at this point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Times.  
> [for a rebloggable version of sidetracked, click here](http://phanimist.tumblr.com/post/152657449800/sidetracked)  
> thanks for being patient :) as always, you can find out whether or not my updates will be on time by checking my twitter (@phanimist), and i'll hopefully see you next week!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writer's block really isn't fun. i've been going through an inspiration / motivation crisis for about a week now which is still not totally resolved but i've managed to get this chapter done for you all :) vv sorry for the wait.  
> two shoutouts:  
> 1) thanks to some of my troyonto + lpw pals for the little plot detail suggestions you gave me without knowing it was for sidetracked (congrats kay that convo in the gc was for what you thought it was for)  
> 2) this update deadass would never have happened if kirsten weren't the amazing human being she is. this entire chapter would not have happened were it not for her brilliance. that's just the way it is. (head on over to @cafephan for pure quality content i'm telling you. a LEGEND)  
> also important heads up at the end of the chapter.  
> **one last thing: in this chap dnp come across a 'ghost train' and it's actually a UK thing i didn't knew existed until i wrote this so just for those of us who aren't UK it's basically like walking through a haunted house but not. idk. picture a haunted house like thing. or google it.  
> hope this chapter ends up being a thing you like. again, i'm really sorry for the wait!

 

When Phil wakes up the next morning, his hand is laced in someone else's and he can feel the rise and fall of a familiar chest beneath him. If he focuses he can hear the light drumming of Dan’s heart, too, and the steady rhythm almost draws him back into sleep. Instead, he turns to look upwards, immediately meeting Dan’s warm brown eyes. Dan starts to trace his pointer finger in circles on the back of Phil’s hand, maybe to further pull him out of sleep. Phil isn’t sure what his incentive is, but he’s certainly not complaining. 

“Hey,” Dan greeted, smiling down at him. Phil lets a small smile play at his lips before he’s attempting to melt back into the mattress, not ready to get up and get ready for the day just yet. “Still tired?”

“Mm comfy,” Phil mumbles. “Don’t wanna get up.”

“Who said anything about getting up?” Dan replies, shifting slightly so that he can properly wrap both of his arms around Phil’s waist and pull him tighter against his chest. Phil welcomes the embrace, and rests his head underneath Dan’s chin. He can still feel the other’s heartbeat against his cheek. 

They’re both content to lay like that for a little while, though neither of them are asleep. They don’t feel the need to fill the comfortable silence with speech, either.

Phil’s left to his thoughts, and for once they aren’t all too full of worry. Before settling into bed last night, having wordlessly decided to sleep in the same room, Dan had brought up how they were going to get through this. He’d suggested they stop tiptoeing around about everything that they do, so the odds of Jess sending them home were higher, and so that they weren’t lying about what they were doing so much. Phil saw this as a positive thing. At least Dan was looking to compromise, and that was always a good thing. He wanted to make sure Phil was happy with what they were doing too, so he could only agree with everything that Dan said.

_ “You have no idea how glad I am that I met someone like you.” Dan had said as they started to drift off to sleep. Phil had smiled.  _

_ “Ditto,” He’d reply jokingly, and Dan would scoff.  _

_ “I take it back.” Dan laughed warmly. _

It’s been about twenty minutes by the time a knock at the door finally comes, and the abrupt sound startles Phil. He jumps up slightly, knocking his forehead against Dan’s chin. Dan whines, rubbing at his face, but Phil only laughs to himself, mouthing a quick sorry.

“Yeah?” He calls. It’s his room, so they’d expect him to be in here. He doesn’t know what they’re gonna think when they reach Dan’s door and there’s no one in his room, though.

“Cameras are here. Filming starts in twenty.”

“Got it.” Phil answers. The footsteps retreat down the hall, presumably to wake the absent Dan, and Phil shifts where he’s laying down. Dan’s pouting at him, rubbing at his jaw where Phil had bumped into him. “Are you kidding?” Phil rolls his eyes with a smile. Dan holds the expression, so Phil raises his head to press his lips to the area in which he’d accidentally bumped Dan. The smile immediately returns to the brunette’s face. “Better?”

Dan just kisses the corner of his mouth before he’s tossing the covers off of them. “Maybe.” He mumbles. Phil laughs. He likes this.

 

When Dan and Phil walk downstairs and join the majority of the guys in the lounge, nearly pressed into each other’s sides and waltzing in later than everyone else, they’d be lying if they said they didn’t notice some strange looks being sent there way. Regardless, neither of them mention it as they head to sit down on the edge of the couch. The spot could only fit one of them, so Phil slipped into it while Dan moved to perch on the arm of the couch, still managing to lean completely into Phil’s side despite their height differences. There are still a few guys looking at them weirdly despite being immersed in their own conversations, but no one makes any direct remarks towards them. It isn’t long after Dan and Phil arrive that the host, followed by Jess and about five cameras, enter the room. 

“Hi guys,” Jess smiles. A chorus of greetings ring from around the room. “So I’ve decided that some fun is overdue.”

A few excited remarks come from around the room. Dan and Phil turn to each other with somewhat raised eyebrows. Their idea of fun wasn’t necessarily the same as the majority of the people here, but Phil supposed they couldn’t jump to conclusions just yet. 

Jess apparently saw their gaze, as when Phil looked back she was shaking her head at them with a knowing, happy look. Phil wondered how deep the knowing look really was.

“We’re going to the fair.” She announces. 

Phil turns to Dan, and Dan can only grin at the sudden brightness in his eye. He looked like a kid who’d just gotten exactly what he wanted on Christmas morning, and Dan was almost overwhelmed with adoration in that moment. If he were honest, it was taking a lot of self restraint not to make an audible ‘awh’ of sorts.

“Everyone’s got a lot going on, and I wanted to make sure that stress wasn’t piling up or anything, so I figured a day to just let loose and have a good time was a long time coming, yeah?” When she gets yet another chorus of agreement, Jess gestures forward. Nearly everyone starts to excitedly get up and crowd Jess and the doorway in the excitement, but Dan and Phil hang out at the back of the pack. The air is muffled with the dialogue of others, but the two seem to communicate just fine standing next to each other in silence, feet scuffling along on the floor and arms brushing with every step. 

The bus ride to the fair has the air continuously filled with the bubbling dialogue of others, but Dan and Phil are more than happy to make quiet conversation sharing a bench at the front.

“He shoved it in your face-” Dan laughed, referring to Phil’s story about his brother and a handful of cotton candy, “Just because you stepped on the heel of his shoe?”

“Yeah,” Phil replied, smiling fondly at the memory. “We were both pretty spiteful back then. If you- When you meet him you won’t be able to tell, though. We’ve pretty much mellowed out.”

“Mm,” Dan muses. He hadn’t thought about that. Meeting Phil’s family. He wanted to, of course, as he’d heard lovely things, but the thought of doing that hadn’t crossed his mind. He wonders if Phil knows for sure that his family would be accepting. He wonders what their views are like behind their smiling faces. “My brother and I are still kind of like that, to be honest.”

“Well you’re both younger,” Phil observes, knocking Dan’s shoulder. “And seeing how immature  _ you  _ are..”

“Hey.” Dan pouts, knocking Phil’s shoulder right back. Phil just laughs and takes Dan’s hand, lacing their fingers in his lap as a silent indication that he’s totally and completely joking. They’re sat at the very front, so there’s no chance of anyone seeing, but Phil’s starting to find that he doesn’t really care all that much about being found out anymore. It’s an odd feeling, but he’s certainly not complaining. 

 

“We’ve been here for three minutes and you’re already queueing up for cotton candy.” Phil rolls his eyes. The other guys and Jess were all hovering around in the middle of the little walkway, but Dan had almost immediately skidded across the route towards the first food stand he’d seen. Phil had reflexively followed him.

“It’s not my fault the car full of camera crew got stuck in traffic. I’m the one who thought of a smart way to pass the time.” Dan shrugs, stepping up to the kiosk asr the woman and her child in front of them had been served. “D'you want some?” He asks Phil politely. Phil shakes his head.

“Nah,” He answers, waving his hand. “I’ll steal a little of yours.”

“Alright.” Dan replies with a small smile, turning back to the man operating the stand. Phil zones out as he orders, staring instead at the way Dan’s lips form words instead. When Dan finally turns back to him, bag of cotton candy in hand, he feels like he’s been snapped awake. 

“Do you like the pink or the blue more?” Dan asks, breaking a piece off and popping it into his mouth.

“Blue, if I’m honest.” Phil answers. Dan just kind of looks at him.

“We can’t be-”  _ friends anymore. _ Were they friends? They hadn’t labelled anything yet, so Dan rephrases. “I can’t be seen with you anymore.” 

“Pity, as I’m the only one you seem to be seen with as of late.” Phil retaliates. Dan scoffs.

“Pl _ ease _ , I’ll go running back to Jess.” It’s a risky joke to make. Dan knows he could be treading on thin ice, but his worries are immediately dismissed when Phil laughs and moves to step on his toes.

“Right.” He replies. He says it warmly, as if he’s comfortable in Dan’s answer but is still looking for an indication that he should, in fact, be comfortable. Dan smiles, and shuffles close enough to step on Phil’s toes playfully.

“I’m kidding.” Dan replies brightly, breaking a piece of the blue cotton candy off and pressing it on Phil’s upper lip. Phil sputters, but lifts his hand to replace Dan’s, taking the candy and letting it melt on his tongue.

“Am I blue?” He asks, angling his face upwards so Dan can check for cotton candy stained skin. 

“You’re good,” Dan laughs. Phil opens his mouth to answer, but gets cut off by a call from Jess across the route.

“Dan! Phil! We’re gonna get going!” She announces, waving brightly. Dan moves in their direction first, Phil trailing a few steps. “You’ve already gotten cotton candy?” She teases, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist in a half hug. Dan’s standing so close to Phil that Phil feels Jess’s hand against his own side.

“I know, he’s ridiculous.” Phil says, and Jess smiles at them both before withdrawing her hand. Phil swears he feels Dan shift closer towards him. He knows that Dan’s finally sorted his priorities out, and no longer questions Dan’s feelings for Jess, but Phil certainly doesn’t mind the small gesture proving it.

The fair was seemingly dead today. Dan wasn’t surprised, it being a Wednesday afternoon and all, with most kids supposed to be in school at this hour. Upon glancing around, he’s glad for it, because it’s less wandering eyes and long lines to worry about. 

After a short spiel on Jess’s part about how they were all here just to have fun today, people seem to break off. Dan and Phil split from everyone else almost immediately. A few of the guys separate from Jess too, but they all leave with one eye on the girl to make sure they know where she’s off to. Dan and Phil are the only ones who turn completely in the opposite direction. Dan can’t help but realize that they aren’t even trying to hide it anymore, and he can’t find himself caring. 

“You need to finish your cotton candy before we can properly do anything,” Phil observes. “Seeing as you’re the world's slowest cotton candy eater. I’m surprised it hasn’t all melted yet.”

“I wasn’t eating while Jess was talking. I have manners, Phil.”

“And people thought chivalry was dead.” Phil mumbles. Dan laughs under his breath, sitting on a nearby bench. Phil joins him. 

“Help me finish it?” Dan asks. Phil hums, and gladly takes the bag, breaking off a piece of the blue cotton candy to place in his mouth. He barely finishes the mouthful before Dan’s pressing another piece to his lips, which he lets the other boy feed him with an eye roll. Dan only laughs to himself. 

They both notice the slightly sideways looks they’re getting from the other guys, mainly Derek and Jason, to an extent, in all honesty, but they’re too happy in their own little world to care. The cameras are totally centred on Jess at the moment, too, which they classify as yet another win. 

It doesn’t take the two of them long to collectively finish the bag, as nearly five minutes later it’s in the garbage can to their left and they’re already up and moving, scouring the area for what to do next. Jess and the others are nowhere in sight, and the sudden space gives Phil the incentive to press a kiss to the corner of Dan’s mouth as they walk. Dan nearly misses a step, but his smile doesn’t miss a beat inching it’s way onto his face. 

“Where to?” Phil asks him. He’s got a happy bounce in his step.

“You pick.” Dan answers. Phil thinks about it for a minute before taking Dan’s wrist and changing their course of direction to somewhere off to the left. 

“I’ll win you something.”

Dan falls into step next to Phil after recovering from the initial change in direction, looking up to get a sense of where Phil was taking him. He immediately notices the carnival game looming before them, and laughs. It was one of those ones where you throw darts at a balloon board.

“Phil, we’ll have to carry a stuffed animal around for the rest of the day.”

“You say that like you think I have good aim.” Phil replies, throwing a smile over his shoulder as they reach the booth. “Plus, even if we win he can come enjoy the other attractions too.” Phil’s pointed to a stuffed bear perched on a shelf to the right of the balloons. Dan quirks an eyebrow and accompanies it with a smile. 

“Alright.” He laughs. “Knock ‘em dead.”

“Pop ‘em dead.” Phil replies, mirth in his eyes. Dan tries not to show his amusement. 

The guy operating the booth also seems rather entertained by Phil’s theatrics, handing him three darts in exchange for the money in Phil’s upturned palm. Phil turns and shoots Dan one last smile over his shoulder before moving to throw the dart. Dan’s arms are crossed in mock skeptical behaviour, but the grin tugging at his lips gives him away. Phil lets out a light laugh before facing the board. 

His first throw essentially his the framework of the stand. Dan muffles his laughter in puffed out cheeks. 

“I’m warming up,” Phil defends.

“Right.” Dan replies.

Phil’s second throw is so light that it doesn’t even stick to the board after it misses one of the balloons. It clatters to the floor at the supervisor's feet. Dan audibly laughs at that one before covering his hand with his mouth, Phil turning to him with narrowed eyes despite the underlying smile. 

“You’re not being a very encouraging-” _ Boyfriend. Friend. _ “-onlooker.” Phil reiterates. Dan grins. 

“How can I help, Captain Dart Board?” He asks. Phil shrugs, offering up a faked indifferent look. Dan rolls his eyes and takes Phil’s wrist, lifting it up and attempting to aim it for Phil. Phil withholds a laugh as Dan makes the motion of a throw while guiding Phil’s hand. “Throw it just like that.” Dan offers. Phil rolls his eyes and makes the throw. This one hits the board, but still misses the balloon. “We’ll take three more darts.” Dan says to the clerk. He looks at Phil. “We’re doing this shit.” Phil only grins.

They end up buying four pairs of darts, but it’s not like either of them mind. By the end of the entire ordeal, Dan’s lined his body up with Phil’s, chest pressed to Phil’s back and chin resting on his shoulder as his arm loops around Phil’s attempting to help him aim. 

“Ready?” he asks. His voice is louder and deeper when it’s this close to Phil’s ear. Phil nearly lets a shiver travel down his spine. He nods. It’s their second last dart, too. One of these has to count. 

They throw the dart together. It hits the balloon in the dead centre, and Phil jumps up in sudden excitement, nearly knocking into Dan’s head had the brunette not moved out of the way just in time. Dan laughs, and Phil gives him a giddy look. 

“Congrats,” The clerk laughs. “Which prize would you like?” Phil’s grinning ear to ear as he points to the big stuffed bear on the wall he’d gestured to earlier. Once it’s in his hands, he’s immediately handing it to Dan.

“For you.” he beams. Dan takes it with a happy, bright expression., and it says all the thanks that needed saying. 

Without a further word, Dan twirls the last of the darts in his fingers and, with one eye closed, throws it at the board. It pops the balloon directly to the previously-popped-one’s left. Phil’s jaw drops as he looks at Dan.

“We were here for nearly fifteen minutes and you could do that the entire time?” He asks somewhat incredulously, looking at Dan in a form of wonderment and surprise. Dan offers a smile and a shrug. 

“I wanted you to get it.” He replies, taking a step forward to press a quick kiss to Phil’s cheek. Phil closes his mouth and averts his eyes, knowing that he was likely flushing. Dan observes him for a moment with the smallest of smiles before turning to leave, offering one last thanks to the operator of the booth. 

Phil catches up to him as he walks away a few moments later, having been a few steps behind. After a few seconds of silence, he knocks into Dan’s shoulder as they walk along. Dan shoots him a happy, yet questioning look. 

“You’re the worst.” Phil says, trying to feign a pouty expression despite totally failing. Dan chuckles.

“I’d sure hope not,” He replies. “What are we going to call the bear?” Phil thinks for a minute. 

“We could call it Jess.” He suggests jokingly. Dan scoffs. 

“Original,” He says. “Any other suggestions?”

“Derek?” Phil asks innocently. Dan shoots him a sideways look, and Phil laughs. Dan nearly melts as his tongue pokes out from between his teeth. 

“We should call it something fun,” Phil says. “Like ‘Horace’.” 

“Horace.” Dan repeats. “We’re going to call the stuffed bear you were so set on winning for me at the fair  _ Horace _ .”

“What’s wrong with Horace?” Phil defends, a mirthy smile tugging at his lips. Dan opens his mouth but almost immediately closes it, opting to hold a fond expression as he looks at Phil for a moment or two. He sighs as he faces forward, the bear still tucked under his arm. With his free hand, he reaches out and takes Phil’s in his own, lacing their fingers.

“Horace it is.”

 

“Dan! Phil! Come bounce with us!”

At this point, Phil wasn’t sure that his day could have been better had he tried to make it happen. They’d spent most of the day on the opposite side of the fair from everyone else, it seemed, as they’d yet to run into anyone until they’d done it now. He immediately glances over to the cameras now pointing in their direction, and realizes they can’t sneak away anymore. He shoots Dan a quick look, seeing that the others seemed to be on the same page he was. They shrug almost in sync, and begin to head over to the bouncy castle’s entrance.

Jess, Luke, and William are inside, bouncing around. They don’t exactly look overjoyed at the thought of more guys joining their party, but Dan can only laugh at the thought. As if he and Phil were competing for the girl anymore. They really hadn’t even considered that a possibility, had they? Probably not. Not on a show like this. 

“Where’d you get the bear? It’s so cute!” Jess calls. Phil slips his shoes off and heads into the structure, almost immediately getting bounced by Luke who lands right at his feet.

“Phil won it.” Dan replies, setting the bear down by his shoes.

“Are you not bringing him on?” Phil asks. Dan looks up and holds Phil’s gaze for a moment. He then shrugs, lifting the bear back up and tossing him to Phil. Phil nearly drops the stuffed animal, but succeeds in keeping a grip on him. He holds Horace to his chest as he bounces, a bright smile on his face as Dan joins the four of them in bouncing. Jess is grinning ear to ear, and even Luke and William seem to be enjoying themselves despite the extra company. Dan can’t help but keep looking over to Phil as the other bounces around. He’s acting so carefree and happy today, and Dan’s falling in love with it. He wants it to be like this all the time. He can’t wait until they can both get out of here and make that happen.

A major portion of the day after that is spent in a group, as many of the guys seemed to notice the accumulation on the bouncy castle. Their numbers increase until almost everyone is bouncing around, and you can’t move an inch without knocking shoulders. This ends with Dan and Phil somewhat pressed to the side, looking for an out, until Jess finally suggests they do something else. With every single camera on scene following them now, both Dan and Phil wordlessly know that they have to follow along, at least for now. 

Jess announced a plan, but Dan had been failing to pay attention. Instead, he walks in stride with Phil, their feet hitting the asphalt in tandem. Collin eventually catches up to them, and it’s his unmatching footsteps that snap Dan away from his own thoughts.

“What have you guys gotten up to today?” he asks. “The other guys seemed to notice you were off doing your own thing.” Phil gives Dan a quick look.

“Not much. Just wandering. What has everyone else gotten up to?” He asks.

“Trailing Jess as usual. You didn’t miss a thing.” He answers. Dan offers half of a laugh. “You guys excited for the Ghost Train?” Dan raises his eyebrows.

“Oh, that’s the plan, is it?”

“You weren’t listening, were you?” Phil laughs, knocking his shoulder. Dan gives him a sideways, get knowing look. “Of course not.”

“It should be awesome. I heard it’s one of the shitty ones with guys in costumes and crappy effects.”

“My favourite.” Phil comments.

After a brief few moments of short conversation, Collin makes a bid to catch up with Luke at the front of the group. Almost as soon as he’s gone, Phil sighs.

“How many snide comments do you think were thrown our way while we were off elsewhere?” He asks. Dan glances around, and meets the eyes of Derek across the group. He’s already looking in their direction, and smirks when Dan meets his eye. Dan turns back to Phil, and holds the stuffed bear slightly tighter.

“Doesn’t matter.” He says simply. They leave it at that.

The Ghost Train luckily isn’t as horrifying as Dan had initially assumed it would be. If anything, it had given him the opportunity to feign being scared, gripping Phil’s hand in the dark as the group of guys and Jess make their way through together. He can only hope and pretend that he’s making Phil flush in the dim lighting. His hopes are confirmed when they finally do step out into the light again, and Dan drops Phil’s hand. Phil offers him the smallest of smiles.

They mindlessly trail the others for the rest of the day. In all honestly, Dan’s day has already been made and he wasn’t sure any event to come could break that apart for him. The hours have dragged on, and the fair has started to attract a few more people. It still isn’t what anyone would necessarily define as busy, though, seeing as it was a weeknight. Dan and Phil were glad for it.

People seem to be splitting off again as the evening draws near, wanting to get the most out of the fair in the dying hours before it closes. Jess has disappeared off with someone, so Dan immediately takes the opportunity to tug Phil away from the main group. They get a few looks, as predicted, but no one outwardly calls them out. If anything, they were expecting it. Phil gratefully falls into step next to Dan as they wander away. Phil doesn’t necessarily have a destination in mind, but Dan’s company is more than enough.

Dan does have a destination in mind. He’s had the particular attraction in the back of his head all day, it’s structure looming over the entire fair. It’s just a ways away from where they are now, and they’re only a few rounded corners away from Phil seeing where his head’s at.

The sun was starting to set, too. The whole scene practically screamed  _ ‘take him on the ferris wheel’ _ , so that’s exactly what Dan intended to do. His fingers find Phil’s at his side, and he sees the other smile out of the corner of his eye.

When the line for the wheel finally comes into view, Phil turns to Dan excitedly. “Can we?” He immediately asks. Dan laughs.

“That was my plan.” He replies. Phil squeezes their intertwined hands, only to drop them upon glancing over at the line. Jess and Luke were lined up too. Dan meets Phil’s eyes in understanding as they move to join them in line. Luke doesn’t look too happy to see them arrive, probably hoping for some alone time with Jess, but it’s not like Dan’s happy to see him either. He’ll be fine with it as long as him and Jess sit anywhere but behind them on the wheel. He doesn’t want to hide from them while trying to enjoy the ride with Phil. 

“I don’t think we’re gonna be able to fit four to a seat.” Luke jokes, and Jess laughs. Her hand is wrapped around his arm, and Phil has to smile at the showed affection. Jess looks genuinely happy with him. He’s glad, because someone was sweet as Jess deserves something like that.

“We’ll be in our own, don’t you worry.” Phil assures, smiling at the three others in the group. Dan knocks his foot against Phil’s affectionately. Luke and Jess offer them a small smile at the words, but it’s a knowing smile. Phil doesn't actually think that they know all too much more than they should, but after today they could very well. They haven’t exactly been hiding it.

The sun is finally starting to dip below the horizon by the time they reach the front of the line. The light turns the sky into a canvas of blues. Jess and Luke are secured into their seats and are sent up and around. The wheel stops when they’re a little under halfway around a full turn, bringing it to a stop. 

Dan gestures Phil goes first, in typical  _ ‘after you’ _ fashion, to which Phil offers a light laugh. There’s plenty of room on the bench, but they don’t choose to use it. Instead, they sit pressed to each other’s side, and Dan doesn’t hesitate before draping one hand across Phil’s shoulders as the operator lowers the safety bar on top of them and sends them revolving around the wheel. Dan places the stuffed bear, Horace, into Phil’s lap, and Phil holds into it with the hand not pinned to Dan’s side.

“I had fun today.” Phil states. The wheel’s come to a final stop to let the last of the families in line on. The seat jerks, and Phil finds himself crowding closer to Dan as if it’ll help to balance them out. Dan certainly doesn’t mind.

“Me too.” He replies. Phil smiles. 

They let the silence wash over them once the wheel starts turning again. The sky has morphed from just blues to a whole array of colours, going from an orange at the horizon to blues in the middle as it fades into lavender. The clouds wash the sky in even more shades as light is reflected off of them, and suddenly Phil finds that the world beneath him suddenly doesn’t feel so overwhelming. The world still feels as big as it did, sure, but his problems don’t seem like mountains. The wheel goes around once, then twice, and all Phil can think of is how everything doesn’t feel so  _ unconquerable  _ right now. The air is chilly, but he’s got Dan for warmth. The show has been stressful, sure, but having Dan by his side had made it easier right from the start. He’d supposedly come here looking for someone to love, and maybe he’d found it.

The wheel stops at the top. Phil takes a moment more to look at the clouds and the rainbow of a sky before turning to the boy next to him. Dan’s already looking, and Phil decides that right now the only thing that was prettier than the sky was the person sitting beside him. 

“Thank you.” He says simply. He doesn’t really mean it in respect to anything specific. 

“For what?” Dan asks reasonably. Phil shrugs, his eyes never straying from Dan’s. 

“Just generally.” Dan looks at him for a long moment before a smile tugs at his lips.

“You’re a nerd.” He comments fondly. A smile can only hint at the roots of Phil’s expression before Dan’s lips have found his, and for the first time Phil feels freed from the world and the stress on the ground. Their lips move together in silence rhythm, heartbeats evening out.

“You make me so happy.” Phil says, pulling back just enough to let the words brush past his lips. His eyes are still closed, but he feels Dan smile as he presses a kiss to his cheek. He closes the distance once more between their lips. The touch is soft and sweet, and Phil swears he can feel love somewhere deep down in the intentions of the gesture. 

“You make me happy too.” Dan says, and Phil suddenly feels like he could do anything and everything at that very moment if he set his heart to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok. alright. so. mental things and school things have really been piling up lately, and in taking a look at my calendar it has come to my attention that if i were to stick to my update schedule then the last update would go up on christmas morning. the problem with that is i have a trig test and three culminating projects all happening before the 23rd. (i also maybe wanted to do ficmas?? as if i didn't already have enough to do??) basically this means that the update schedule is likely gonna crash and burn, and i do not want you to be surprised when it does.  
> what i'm trying to say is that updates are gonna be sporadic until the 23rd. don't be alarmed if i update at 1:24am on a thursday, essentially. i'm gonna have this story wrapped up in early january, but i just wanted to give you guys a mini heads up.  
> @phanimist on tumblr or twitter can be your go-to place if ya wanna ask me about the next update. i won't mind answering at all :)  
> i hope december is treating you all well, my friends. lemme know what you thought of this chapter, and i am once again v sorry for making you wait. hope this was worth it!!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my guys. wanted to thank you for being so patient? you guys rock so much?  
> much thanks to kirsten yet again for helping me figure out how to end the chapter. you rock. as always.  
> not much to say in this a/n other than hi. hope you've all had the best week. school is busy but the holidays are fun so i hope that no matter what you celebrate/don't celebrate you get to spend some good ass time with your family or your friends or your groupchats or your pets and your favourite person.  
> also hope you enjoy this chapter. consider the extra 700 words a holiday gift from me to you.

There isn’t much conversation over breakfast, not that Phil is surprised. Jess is with them this morning, oddly enough, and she had pulled everyone out of bed at 8am sharp. Most didn’t have a problem with getting up at this hour, as they typically did so anyways and Jess was one more motive working in favour of doing so. Dan and Phil, however, weren’t so keen.

They’d both woken up at the same time due to the noise being made in the hallway, groggily rubbing at eyes and untangling their legs from beneath the covers. They’d fallen asleep in Phil’s room again the night before, and Phil especially wanted to sleep in and enjoy the proximity for a while longer. Unfortunately, Jess didn’t seem to have sympathy as her voice had rung down the hallway, telling everyone that if she didn’t see their smiling faces downstairs in ten minutes she’d come forcibly bring them down.

“I’m sure some of the guys here would be pretty into that, to be honest.” Dan had mumbled as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, voice still deeper than normal due to having just woken up. Phil offered a light laugh as he rolled onto his side, watching Dan stretch his arms above his head. 

“You aren’t one of them?” Phil asked. Dan gave him a look, and Phil merely laughed. Dan tried to fight the smile.

“I’m gonna go change.” He decided, starting towards the door. He opened it a crack, making sure no one was there to witness him leaving Phil’s room, before venturing into the hallway. They weren’t hiding from the truth anymore, dodging rumours like bullets, but Dan didn’t want anyone think they were actually hooking up or something. That was one step that he wasn’t quite ready to take, even if it wasn’t true.

“Have fun!” Phil called from his room. Dan smiled to himself as he pushed past the closed door and into his room. 

Five minutes later he returned to Phil’s room, wearing jeans and the first t-shirt he’d laid eyes on in his drawer. It was plain black, so he clearly couldn’t have gone wrong. He’d also argued with his hair a little bit, knowing he wasn’t likely to get it to fully cooperate in the limited amount of time he’d been given.

Phil had barely even started getting out of bed yet. He’d put effort into sitting up, but not into physically getting up and dressed. Dan sighs.

“Phil.” He said simply. Phil stood up and stretched his arms above his head.

“Yes?” He replied in the same tone. 

“You need to get dressed. It’s been five minutes.”

“Yeah yeah, don’t get your knickers in a twist.”

“Now that’s something I never thought I’d hear you say,” Dan laughed, moving across the room to sit on the edge of Phil’s bed. Phil rolls his eyes as he moves towards his own drawers, pulling out a pair of jeans. He strips himself of the joggers he’d slept in, and Dan can’t help but avert his eyes to stare out the window instead. Surely it wasn’t weird to see Dan in just his pants by now, but it still felt like it was.

Phil pretends not to notice the way Dan had looked away, keeping the amused smile to himself. 

“Which shirt?” He asks instead, holding up a Captain America shirt and a miscellaneous blue one. Dan nods towards the Captain America shirt, and Phil immediately moves to shrug it on. 

“Why is the house so cold today?” Dan suddenly asks, remarking the goosebumps beginning to crawl up his arm.

“You can wear my sweatshirt,” says Phil, pointing across the room to a grey jumper draped across a chair in the corner. “I mean, if you’re cold.”

Dan moves to retrieve it, and by the time he’s pulled it over his head Phil appears to be dressed and ready. He also noticed that Phil’s opted to keep his glasses on today, and silently thanks any higher being that may exist for it. He loves Phil’s glasses, whereas Phil may not always. One day he swears he’s gonna take Phil’s contacts and hide them for his own selfish reasons.

“Ready?” He asks. Phil nods. They wordlessly head downstairs, not needing to fill the air with small talk or conversation as it already feels as comfortable as need be. By the time they make it into the dining room where everyone is sitting, it appears that they’re the last ones to walk in. There are only two seats available, one immediately across the table from the other. Dan and Phil split up to sit on their respective sides.

“I was just about to hunt you two down,” says Jess. “What took you so long?”

“I waited up for him.” Dan laughs, gesturing to Phil. Phil raises his hands in mock surrender, earning a light chuckle from those in the room.

Phil feels kind of bad having made everyone wait up for him, as not even thirty seconds after they sit down the chef is bringing in a few platters of food. Jess makes a quick remark about how she loves breakfast and thought they could spend it together this morning, and it’s heartfelt enough that Phil smiles. It’s the movement of a camera man walking past that makes his smile dim, because he’s reminded why he’s here and what he’s supposed to be here for. 

There still isn’t much conversation despite the fact that they’re halfway into the meal by now. At one point, the table falls into complete silence. Phil’s not sure if it’s awkward or if it’s because everyone’s simply enjoying their food. 

With a forkful of eggs halfway to his mouth, he feels a light tap against his ankle. He looks up to meet eyes with Dan. Half of the eggs fall off his fork and back onto the plate, causing Dan to bite back the laughter. In lieu of laughing, he gestures with his head to the salt sitting right in front of Phil’s plate, silently asking if he could hand it over. Phil slides it across the table napkin, and nearly scoffs when Dan makes sure that their fingers purposely brush against one another as he takes it from him. He rolls his eyes instead, Dan offering a cheeky smile before knocking their ankles together fondly in thanks. Instead of completely withdrawing after that, he snakes his foot around Phil’s and keeps it there. Phil certainly doesn’t mind. It helps to make the horribly uneventful breakfast slightly more tolerable. 

In the silence, paired with the remarkably good food, Phil’s content to be left to his own thoughts. He can’t help but think back to last night.

The day after their day at the fair had been a rose ceremony day. Dan and Phil had already been guaranteed roses that week after their individual meetings with Jess, so they weren’t at all stressed about that whole aspect of the situation. They were happy to stand at the far left in the back row and watch as one by one, guys were called forward. 

Derek had been finally eliminated yesterday, and for that Phil was happy. He remembers Dan grabbing his hand subtly, shielded from the cameras by the guys in front of them, and squeezing it as he tried to hide his visible happy reaction to the development. Derek hadn’t looked very happy at all when his name hadn’t been called by the end of it all, but that was totally okay from the viewpoint of literally everyone else in the room.

Right before the night had officially drawn to a close, however, the host had dropped by to say that there was going to be another quick rose ceremony in a few days. He also made a point of saying that you should make your time with Jess count in the next few days, as they weren’t going to get much of it. That had Phil slightly stressed, only because it was a whole new week, and he and Dan certainly didn’t want to stick around here if they didn’t have to. Phil would totally be content to just declare their departure at this point, but he also knew that it wasn’t what Dan wanted. Dan wanted them to be kicked off on their own terms. The idea of having to make that happen was slightly stressing Phil out, now more than ever as he was left with time to think about it in the silence of the dining room. 

He also remembers their brief conversation before bed.

_ “This could be one of our last days on the show if we leave this week.”  _ Phil had said, voice slightly muffled from Dan’s hair as the brunette was currently resting on his chest under his chin. He was testing the waters with his statement, seeing what Dan’s response would be.

_ “Maybe. Depends on if we get sent home.” _ Dan had replied with the smallest of sighs.  _ “We don’t have to worry about it right now.” _

_ “Yeah, I guess.”  _ Phil had said, despite the fact that he was totally worrying about it right then.

Now, sitting across the table with his foot wrapped around Dan’s, he’s reminded yet again that they really do need to talk further about what they are. If he’s being honest, Phil wants a label, or at the very least a conversation regarding the use of a label or lack thereof. He hates the unsettling unknown of the future. 

It’s not for a few hours that they finally get time to themselves again. The late morning and early afternoon was spent with the others, all sitting around the table long after plates had been cleared seeing as a conversation had finally sparked. Everyone was talking about their families, Jess having been the one to bring it up. Apparently, a visit home with Jess at their side was something that was going to be happening in a few weeks. At the mention of that, Dan had looked nervously across the table to Phil. Phil kind of wanted to say something along the lines of ‘Told you so. We really need to get our asses out of here.’ but he decided to refrain.

By the time everyone actually gets up, Phil’s been itching to properly move around again. Not only had he been bored, but the prospect of having an actual conversation with Dan about something this important was making him slightly nervous. 

They’re up sitting outside. Upon seeing the cameras pack up and leave for the day, having gotten needed footage at breakfast, Dan and Phil snuck outside while the others hung around with Jess. They figured that no one would come and seek them out until later, and if it were to be anybody it would be Jess. Or Collin. Neither would be that awful.

“Nice weather,” he starts, his words a poor excuse at a conversation starter. They’re in the process of walking to their frequent destination of the very back of the garden, and Dan reaches over to link their hands as they walk. When Phil looks over at him, he’s got the smallest of amused smiles adorning his face.

“Yes Phil, it is lovely weather,” he muses, still giving Phil an odd sort of look. “Why do you bring it up?”

Phil shrugs ambiguously. “Just a remark.”

“Right,” Dan says, sighing as he comes to a stop. Phil turns to face him. He raises an eyebrow waiting for Phil to speak.

“What?” Phil tries. He knows it’s futile, but he’s just stalling for time at this rate.

“Phil.” Dan says simply. Phil averts his gaze. “What’s up?”

“It’s nothing groundbreaking really,” He starts. Dan’s taken to rubbing his thumb slowly across the back of his hand which is definitely helping to ease his totally unwarranted nerves. “I’m just, I wanted to talk about us.”

“Us?” Dan says apprehensively. He sounds so concerned with that one word that Phil is immediately rushing to reassure him.

“It’s not a bad thing at all, Dan, don’t worry.” He smiles. Dan smiles loosely too, still evidently slightly concerned as to where Phil was going with this. Phil didn’t really know where he wanted to go with this, but he ultimately knew that beating around the bush was going to absolutely nothing. “I wanted to ask you if you’d be my boyfriend, you know, officially? I don’t know, I was just thinking about what  _ exactly  _ we were and I wasn’t too sure and I was going to ask you but I didn’t want the conversation to be  _ too  _ vague because then  _ neither _ of us were ever going to say anything-” 

Dan’s laughing at him, and Phil’s rambling only stops when he feels a pair of soft lips press against his own, immediately cutting off any word that may have been on his tongue. The hand that was previously intertwined with Phil’s on his hip instead, effectively closing any space that may have still remained between the two of them as he takes another step forward as well. Dan’s still laughing into their kiss, but all Phil’s doing is registering that the nerves in his chest have finally decided to rest. Dan’s reaction certainly couldn’t be a negative one. 

“Of course, Phil.” Dan smiles, finally separating. “I don’t know why on earth you might have thought that I’d say no.”

“I don’t know.” Phil admits. Dan rolls his eyes.

“And I don’t know how we didn’t get together before we did. I thought my feelings were beyond obvious right from the start.”

Phil shakes his head. “We're both dense. I thought _ I _ was making it obvious.”

“I literally had no idea,” Dan laughs. “I remember that I only gave into temptation and kissed you because of some unknown, mysterious burst of confidence.”

“Bless that burst of confidence,” Phil laughs. “You must have been more dense than me, then.”

“I don’t know..” Dan says apprehensively. 

“I kind of knew,” Phil admits, bringing his hands to wind around Dan’s neck. “I had an inkling of a suspicion that you may have liked me at the time.” Dan pouts at the fact that Phil had, in fact, known to an extent, but Phil only smiles at him before quickly pressing their lips together.

“I think it was the fact that everyone was supposed to be falling for Jess that threw me off the trail,” Dan squints. “Otherwise I totally would have known.”

“Right,” Phil rolls his eyes. “Jess or not, you’re just dense.” 

“Whatever,” Dan mumbles. Phil smiles at him.

“There is more that I wanted to talk to you about, now that we’re on the subject Jess,” he starts, making sure that he’s properly meeting Dan’s eye by the end of the statement.

“What’s that?” Dan asks, once again uncertain in his composure. Again, Phil reassures him. 

“It’s nothing big, Dan, I was just gonna ask if we could talk about leaving.”

“Oh.”

“Waiting around is only going to make things worse. Things might end up getting tense around you, and I really don’t want to end up arguing the tighter and tighter things get.”

“I’d like to think that we wouldn’t argue.” Dan counters. Phil smiles sadly.

“We’re kind of doing it right now,” He remarks. Dan looks to the ground. 

“We’re having a  _ discussion _ .” He corrects, looking back to Phil with an inkling of a smile. Phil can’t help the small laugh that tumbles past his lips. 

“Discussion or not-” Phil says, holding his gaze with Dan. “I vote we be honest and tell somebody. It doesn’t have to be Jess. It could be a producer, or whoever, but I don’t think sticking around is smart.”

Dan’s eyes remain fearful of the unknown, Phil notices, and immediately knows that he isn’t gonna agree.

“I see what you mean,” Dan says. Phil waits for the ‘but’. “-But I’m still not entirely down with that. I really don’t want to hurt Jess.”

“Dan-”

“No, look, okay, I’m sorry, but Jess keeps telling me how much she wants me to meet her family, and how I’d love her brother and all of these things, and it’s like every conversation makes me feel more and more awful.” He admits. “I want to leave. I really do. But I’d feel bad if we just walked out.”

Phil takes a moment. He understands. He really does. He knows that Jess has really taken a liking to Dan, as any logical person would. It leaves him wondering if her adoration for Dan is the only reason she’s allowed Phil to stick around for so long, seeing as he’s made it pretty obvious that his personal interest in a relationship with her is very limited.

“Okay,” Phil says. “Okay. We can wait if you really want.”

“Thank you.” Dan says, words more of an exhale. He begins to step forward again, but Phil isn’t done.

“You have to try to get your message across, though.” Phil says. Dan pauses, looking for elaboration. “Try not to lead her on in the slightest, yeah?”

“I’ll try.” Dan says. “I really will. I don’t want to stick around here either.” 

“I know you don’t.” Phil says. 

 

It’s later into the evening, long after the sun has properly dipped below the horizon, that the cameras come back to the house. Both Dan and Phil are surprised to find that Jess has decided to stick around for the full day despite the fact that nothing was being filmed. They both often forget that she was actually here to find a lifelong partner sometimes, not just to produce a show that will get views and stay on air. 

Everyone’s managed to crack the alcohol out. As soon as Dan and Phil entered the lounge they were both immediately handed a beer by Collin, who appeared to already have consumed some alcohol.

“Cheers to Derek’s departure,” He states albeit too excitedly before sliding off to the other side of the room. Dan has to admit that Derek being voted off is definitely something to talk about excitedly.

Dan turns to Phil and shrugs, clinking his glass against Phil’s wordlessly. Phil lets out a burst of light laughter. Before he has the chance to say anything, Jess has seemingly appeared at Dan’s side out of thin air, a bright smile plastered onto her face as always. She’s got a hand snaked around Dan’s arm before either of them can greet her.

“I haven’t seen either of you all day!” She exclaims. They both chuckle somewhat uneasily. “Playing hard to get.” She deadass winks, and Phil forcibly takes a deep breath to avoid visibly reacting to the gesture. Dan isn’t so strong, letting an amused smile slink onto his face.

“Something like that,” he waves dismissively. Jess laughs despite the fact that Dan hadn’t really made a joke.

“Can I steal you for a bit?” She asks, looking purely at him instead of Phil. Phil doesn’t feel the loss too much.

“Yeah, sure.” He answers, smiling at her before turning to Phil. “I’ll come find you.”

“Can’t wait,” Phil answers with a smile of his own, nudging Dan with his elbow before setting off. He decides to go make the company of Collin, seeing as he would probably benefit from someone looking after him in his only slightly intoxicated state.

Now left alone at Jess’s side, Dan gulps. She immediately shifts further into his space, and a while ago he would have reflexively moved closer on the grounds that it was what he should  _ want _ to do. Now, he just felt like shifting away slightly.

They end up sitting in another room on an empty couch, their legs somewhat overlapping as Dan takes sips of his beer to fill the silences or as something to do with his hands. He’s probably had like half of it at this point, but hasn’t quite been focusing on that as much as he’s been focusing on pretending to pay full attention to whatever Jess was saying.

“What’s your family like?” Jess asks, and Dan makes a humming noise as he formulates his answer.

“They’re witty,” he decides on. “It’s hard not to laugh when you’re in the same room with them.”

“That’s so sweet,” Jess says. “You said you had a brother, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah. Younger than me.”

“Do you like your brother? I mean, me and my sister have definitely had our ups and downs.”

“So have we,” Dan inputs with a shrug. “I think we get along fine.” He doesn’t really feel like getting into it. Things are mostly great with his brother, especially now that they’ve both grown up. 

He somewhat feels like Jess is urging him to talk and keep the conversation going, like she wants his words more than he wants to speak them. It’s slightly unnerving, and Dan feels bad thinking about how much he wants to get back to Phil’s side. 

“That’s good,” Jess beams. 

The more Dan thinks about it, the more Phil’s right. Maybe they should just approach a producer and ask how easy it would be to get them kicked off. Even if they had to rig the rose ceremony, that would be fine.

It’s then that Jess places a hand on Dan’s knee and leans even closer. Dan feels the guilt resurface in his chest. Jess is proper into him. He knows that it would be better to leave sooner rather than later, but somewhere deep down he doesn’t think he’s strong enough to do that yet. 

 

When Dan comes back into the room, Jess trailing him by just a step, Phil’s eyes immediately leap to him across the room despite his previous engagement in a conversation with Collin. Collin seems to notice his immediate distraction, as he smiles slightly.

Dan locates the two of them sat in two separate loveseats across from one another at the coffee table and immediately makes his way over. He falls into the very limited space next to Phil, despite there not being much of it, and almost ends up sitting on top of him. 

“Have fun?” Phil asks, inquiring about his conversation with Jess. Dan takes a sip of his beer in answer, and both Phil and Collin offer a chuckle at that. “Right.”

“You almost finished your beer  _ just _ while talking to her, mate.” Collin laughs. “D’ya want another?” 

Dan waves him off. “Nah. That was mostly to tie me over until I got back to my _main_ source of happiness.” He turns to Phil with a cheeky sort of grin, and Phil rolls his eyes despite the way he shifts impossible further into Dan’s side. Dan leans back into him, because he wants to. 

Maybe he doesn’t have to try to please everyone, he realizes. Phil makes him happy. Jess isn’t the right person for him, so he really shouldn’t be drawing this necessary action out longer than need be. 

Maybe he should focus on making himself happy, just this once.

He puts his hand on Phil’s knee, curling and uncurling his fingers as they rest there. Phil and Collin have started another conversation, but Dan doesn’t bother to listen. He’ll blame it on the beer he just downed if they bother calling him out. 

He feels like he belongs to something when he’s with Phil. He finally feels like himself. He doesn’t plan on letting go of something like that anytime soon.  _ Boyfriend. _ The word rings in his mind again. He’d almost forgotten about that part. 

He feels like himself with the word on his tongue.

“Mm tired,” Dan finally mumbles during a pause in conversation, going as far as letting his head drop onto Phil’s shoulder. He feels Phil take a heavy breath, and instantly knows he’s gotten his way.

“We should head up to bed then” He says, bringing a hand to rest briefly over top of Dan’s, still on his own knee. His voice lacks any real fatigue. Dan smiles inwardly.

“Not in the mood for more alcohol?” Collin asks jokingly. Phil smiles at him, and Collin waves his previous statement away. It’s then that Phil pokes at Dan’s side, silently urging him to get up. Once he complies and they’re both standing, Dan still considerably close to Phil, Collin offers them a last smile for the night. “Goodnight you two.”

“Night,” Phil nods, surprised when Dan has pressed nearly entirely into his side and has a light hold on his wrist despite the people in the room. He turns back to notice that Collin has already managed to slip away from where he’d previously been. Upon looking back to Dan, Phil immediately notices that his eyes show absolutely no signs of fatigue, and he resists a smile. 

After momentarily just looking at each other for a few moments, Dan’s the one to take the first steps to leave the room, his hold on Phil’s wrist dropping once they make the effort to cross the room. He supposes practically tugging Phil upstairs just takes it a bit too far. 

As soon as they make it to Dan’s room, Dan’s kicking the door closed behind him and is immediately attaching his lips to Phil’s jaw, hands finding the hem of Phil’s shirt as he leaves a trail of kisses from his chin to below his ear. Phil’s only slightly surprised, as he’d be lying if he said that there wasn’t a part of his brain that questioned Dan’s want to head to bed early tonight. This must be why. He inwardly laughs at how well Dan had feigned tired downstairs. 

“Tired, huh?” Phil teases, arching his neck in a form of encouragement. He had absolutely no opposition to the path Dan was headed, his own hands clasping around Dan’s waist, drawing the brunette impossibly closer.

“Fucking exhausted,” Dan mutters jokingly, aiming for Phil’s lips this time. Phil immediately reciprocates. He could taste the faint lingering of alcohol on his lips and could feel the warmth radiating from Dan’s body at the proximity, as well as from the gesture. This was definitely way more heated than the previous times they’d kissed or made out, and Phil’s definitely not one to complain. He’s more than glad Dan was suddenly overcome with this wanting emotion. 

“Good actor. Collin was sold,” Phil mumbles, leaning away from Dan’s lips as they chased after him. His fingers find the base of Dan’s shirt. “Can we get rid of this, maybe?.”

“I don’t know, can we?” Dan responds slyly, Phil rolling his eyes at the inkling of a dad joke. Dan’s hands replace Phil’s and he lifts the fabric up and over his head, ruffling his hair. After tossing the shirt across the room, he moves to fix his quiff back into something presentable, but Phil interrupts him with lips on his neck, and Dan’s hands find Phil’s shoulders and chest instead, caught off guard by the sudden attention. He makes a sort of noise in the back of his throat that only encourages Dan to continue.

At this point he’s completely lost the burst control he’d seemed to keep while initiating this whole ordeal, because Phil seems to have taken all the words from his mouth, as well as control of the entire kiss it seems like. He finds himself backing both him and Dan up until Dan’s back collides with the wall, and he exhales hastily. Phil continues to leave a trail of kisses along Dan’s neck, some harsher than others, but he’s being very careful not to leave any marks. He doesn't want to be  _ that _ couple at this point, especially not before they’re even out yet. 

“You’re so pretty,” Phil breathes, his attention sliding lower as the kisses begin to inch towards Dan’s collarbones and the base of his neck, hands roaming the expanse of tanned skin on his chest. When his lips finally reconnect with Dan’s he swears Dan nearly whimpers into his mouth, kissing back eagerly. 

“Fuck,” He mutters not soon after, tugging at Phil’s own shirt and beginning to remove it when Phil takes over for himself with a smirk and no hesitation. He barely tosses the shirt aside before Dan’s pushing them backwards and the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed, fingers still settled just above Dan’s hip. He can feel Dan now threading fingers through his own hair, and it’s almost too much to handle at once as the waves of thought come crashing down around him. A few weeks ago he wouldn’t have dreamt of this happening. A few months ago he hadn’t known Dan at all, and now he felt like he was falling helplessly head over heels and there was no way of stopping it. He couldn’t remember another point in his life when he’d ever felt this  _ strongly _ before.

He breaks their kiss for a few long moments, resting his forehead against Dan’s as he catches his breath. Neither of them were very fit, to be honest, so recovery time would definitely be needed, but Phil takes the opportunity to open his eyes and look into Dan’s, a smile worming it’s way onto his face as well. Dan copies the smile as if it had been contagious. They’re both content to stand there wrapped in each other’s embrace, chests heaving with heavy, recovering breaths as they bask in the feeling of infatuation. 

"I think I may slightly love you." He says, voice raspy and still showing signs of his lack of breath. Dan closes the distance to kiss him again, softer this time. When they separate again, he feels a rooted emotion stir deep inside his chest.

"I think I may slightly love you too."

Phil doesn’t think he’s ever felt this effervescent. 

 

When Dan wakes up the next morning, the bed is warm. His arm is draped across Phil’s bare chest, and upon further thinking he realises that they should logically be cold due to the lack of clothing, but with Phil’s soft breaths brushing past his cheek and the comfort of the steady rise and fall of Phil’s chest he feels nothing but warmth in both the literal and metaphorical sense. He’d be content to stay that way for years if he could lay here, contently staring at the side of Phil’s sleeping face, but it doesn’t take long for Phil to start to stir from his own slumber as well. As his eyes flutter open, immediately finding Dan, a smile slides onto his face and Dan nearly falls in love again. 

It’s the day of the impromptu rose ceremony, the one the host had warned them about. There were many nerves in the air which predictably everyone could feel buzzing around them, but Dan tried not to let it get to him. 

Long after they finally get out of bed, Dan can still feel himself with the warmth in his chest that he’d first felt this morning, He continuously finds himself sneaking glances at Phil across the room, the makeup team having already gotten to him. The makeup team was only really here to be a pain and also to powder everyone’s faces, among other things, before the official ceremony filming started so that there would be no shine. Dan didn’t particularly want to look into the logic of it all. Rose ceremonies started to become more and more of a big deal the later into the show they went, for some reason. Today’s rose ceremony _was_ a big deal, apparently, as it narrowed the bachelors down to the final 7, and thus travelling and family visits would start next week. Admittedly, Dan really didn’t want to be one of those final guys. 

The outstanding thought from last night returns to his head. What if he did this for himself? What if he stopped worrying about how what was best for him would affect other people?

He could see it now. Phil would return from the makeup chair, they’d approach a producer, and they’d simply say it. We want to leave. 

The daydream of the situation shatters as Phil returns to his side and breaks the trance. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem so likely anymore. 

“Whatcha thinking about?” Phil asks, tapping lightly on Dan’s temple. Dan opens his mouth to reply but is cut off by a man with a rather large camera coming into the room.

“Twenty minutes until cameras are rolling!” He announces. Dan exhales instead of speaking. It doesn’t take a moment more to pass before someone from the appearance team is pulling him aside and away from Phil’s side, and the nerves start to settle in his chest.

The twenty minutes pass in the blink of an eye. Dan doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be standing in a row, with Phil somewhere behind him to his right, in a suit jacket with roses in his line of vision on the table in front of them. Jess is poised at the front of the room, all the lights turned on and the cameras rolling, and he wants to be anywhere but here. 

It’s now that he feels the needed burst of confidence that it would take to waltz up to the producer and ask to leave at Phil's side. He’s only now fully gotten into the mindset that he could do it, the sudden motivation a spur of the moment thing. He can’t do anything about it, though, because Jess is calling names. There are seven roses on the table, and Dan’s really hoping that he and Phil don’t get them.

“Jason.” Says Jess. It’s one of seven out of the way. Dan exhales. 

“Aidan.”

He wonders if the guy next to him, he doesn’t bother to check who it is, can hear his heartbeat. Heck, Phil could probably hear it, and he was metres away.

“Justin.”

_ Maybe they can just talk to the producer after the ceremony.  _

“William.”

Said producer is currently standing off to the side of the room right now, phone in hand and looking mildly uninterested. Dan wonders how much announcing their desired departure would shake his schedule up. 

“Luke.”

There are two roses left, and Dan’s heart nearly leaps up into his throat.

“Collin.”

Maybe they won’t even have to talk to the producer. Maybe they can both be sent home, and the worrying would be all for nothing. The ghost of Phil’s lips on his causes him to take a deep breath, the feeling of longing having returned. He wants this. The one rose left in Jess’s hands stirs a sudden surge of nerves in his chest as Jess’s eyes move around the room and settle on one person in particular.

She takes a deep breath, eyes having settled directly onto Phil. 

“Dan.” She says. The room falls quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woahwoahwoah 
> 
> this might be the last update before the general time of christmas but idk i may surprise you w another chapter whO kNoWs certainly not me that's for sure
> 
> i changed my twitter @ from @phanimist to @torontohowell because of some inconveniences regarding an irl finding my twitter (YIKES i know it was awful and if you follow me you almost certainly heard me complain about that whole situation) so you can head on over there to yell at me for this chapter or also for an update on the next update if ya wanna
> 
> i hope everyone about to go on break has a nice last few days of school and i hope everyone already on break has a nice few days as well :)
> 
> [rebloggable post for sidetracked](http://phanimist.tumblr.com/post/152657449800/sidetracked)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! wow it's been a while. i'm sorry for the wait :( christmas has been busy and things have been ~going on~ but i'm very glad i can get this up for you now. i hope you all have had a lovely holiday season so far.  
> it's really crazy to think that there's only one chapter left after this??? woah. i've been at this since september. that's nearly four!! whole!! months!!  
> thanks to my pals over on twitter for watching me post about making a dabbing snowman and doing things inSTEAD of writing. you're all patient af (or attempt to come across that way) and i appreciate u all.  
> also shoutout to @updatesforjulia on twitter for keeping us all 'informed'. thanks el.  
> **disclaimer: none of the opinions/things said about dan/phil's family are based on actual things i think about their families irl. this is alllllll fiction, my dudes.

 

You could hear a pin drop in the silence of the room. No one seemed to know just what to make of the situation, especially not Dan. Dan was probably the least composed in the whole room. He blinks once, then twice, but doesn’t move just yet. He doesn’t do anything at all.

Jess’s gaze stays on Phil for a few moments before her eyes very slowly shift to Dan. Dan can’t read a single emotion on her face. She’s merely looking at him, and he has more questions and doubts than ever.

Of course the last rose had to go to him. Of course it did. Of course Phil couldn’t have gotten one.

Taking a deep breath, deciding to momentarily step back from the situation, Dan shifts and lets his gaze land on Phil across the room. Phil looks just as far from composed as he does, and though it seems that the entire room is hanging off their every move, it also feels as though it’s just the two of them there alone.

Phil remembers every emotion coursing through his body from last night. He remembers nearly grinning against Dan’s lips, how warm the brunette’s skin had felt beneath his fingertips. He remembers the feeling of comfort and the low noises Dan sometimes made in the back of his throat and how he’d felt falling asleep in his arms later that night.

_"I think I may slightly love you."_

He would hate to approach Dan after all of this and say ‘I told you so’, to be honest, but he could have told anybody that something like this was bound to happen. Looking back to Dan, he’s still certain of one thing. Dan wasn’t going to give him up.

_“I think I may slightly love you too.”_

Phil could see shreds of indecision in Dan’s eyes. He softens his own gaze, trying to tell Dan that however he chose to handle the situation would be okay with him. Though inconvenient, Phil was pretty certain that they were gonna be okay if Dan chose to accept the rose. Something flickered past Dan’s expression just before he turns back to face Jess again, though. Phil just barely catches it.

Dan steps forwards out of the line of guys and towards Jess, his pace slower than normal. The whole room seemed to follow his every shift in movement, every camera focused on either him or Phil himself, gauging his reaction. As Dan finally stopped in front of Jess, Jess met Phil’s eye yet again. He almost wanted to raise an eyebrow at her, but he refrained.

Out of the corner of his eye, Phil notices Collin shifting uncomfortably, like he wants to say something. Phil makes a point of meeting his eye and shaking his head slightly. He was gonna be fine as long as Dan didn’t end up winning the whole damn thing, which was very unlikely. All he was nervous about was how Dan was going to deal with whatever consequence he chose. Phil knew that he’d only recently seemed to be comfortable with who he was, and he didn’t want this one stupid show to be the thing to send him back into his shell.

Dan knew that if he didn’t just spit it out, he never would. He’d regret it if he didn’t do it. Logically, he’d be fine either way, but it was something about Phil’s gaze that was giving him enough confidence to do this. His expression had been soft and understanding, as if saying that they were gonna be okay regardless.

He was always gonna have Phil, so he stepped forwards towards Jess, trying to calm his racing heart and frantic thoughts as he approached. The whole room was still dead silent, Jess’s gaze still apprehensive. She twirled the rose in her fingers, and Dan stared at the flower as if it held all the answers for him.

“Dan, do you accept this rose?” Jess asked quietly. She didn’t immediately move to pin it to his jacket like she’d done with the other guys, Dan realized. She was genuinely asking. His eyes flickered up from the floor to her gaze, and it was then that he saw the knowing, yet the reluctance to admit the fact that she knew, buried within her eyes. She’d had a blurry idea as to what had been going all along, hadn’t she?

“I-” He paused. “No.”

“No?” She repeated. Dan heard the stirring behind him, and saw many confused glances from the crew out of the corner of his eye.

“I can’t. I don’t. I’m sorry.” Dan continued, meeting Jess’s eyes and holding the gaze firmly, just in confirmation that she understood. Dan could visibly see the disappointment on her gaze, but he could also see a sense of closure settle in her features. It’s like she’d confirmed a thought of hers, and though she might not have wanted to be right, she definitely was.

After a wordless conversation spoken with nothing but their eyes, they finally looked their separate ways. Jess looked towards the host and the producers for help on how to dig everybody out of the situation whilst the cameras rolled, and Dan looked at the floor, shifting to stand beside Jess instead of with his back facing the rest of the guys. He could feel nearly every pair of eyes on him, but he didn’t look up quite yet.

“Alright,” The host said somewhat decidedly, clapping his hands once. He had clearly settled on the other side of Jess. “The final seven has become the final six after a turn of events, it seems. Dan, why the change in plans?”

Dan looked up to meet the hosts eye before turning back to the crowd of guys, his eyes finding Phil. They look at eachother for a long moment before Dan opens his mouth.

“I came here for a lot of reasons. I ended up finding what I came for, but-” He pauses, turning back to Jess. “-but it isn’t that rose. I’m so sorry.”

She pauses, her smile small and thin as she takes Dan’s hands in her own. Jess remains quiet for a long moment or two before dropping voice low enough that only they, and likely the mic’s pinned to them, can hear. “You picked what’s best for you, yeah?” Dan nods, and she drops his hands, once again standing in silence.

“I suppose that concludes tonight’s rose ceremony,” The hosts announced. “If you did not receive, or accept-” He adds with a pointed look in Dan’s direction. “-a rose, you make take the moment to say your goodbyes.”

Everyone seems reluctant to move forwards after the scene that had just been made, but Dan doesn’t hesitate before slinking away from Jess’s side. Part of him just wants to run from the room, logically, but he doesn’t let himself take the easy route out. Instead, he weaves his way through the thin crowd of guys now approaching Jess, moving towards Phil.

Dan wrapped arms around his neck as soon as he was close enough to do so, making Phil smile into his shoulder.

“Nice one,” He mumbled as they broke apart after a good second or two, knocking Dan playfully. He pretends not to notice all of the people pretending not to watch them interact.

“Thanks,” Dan exhales, scanning the room. “That was terrifying.”

“You didn’t look all too terrified, if it eases you a little bit.” Phil offers, one hand still lingering on Dan’s waist as he seems to refuse to step further away.

“I didn’t feel terrified at the time. It was just a matter of spitting the words out. It’s hitting me now.”

“You’d think for such a pessimistic person the word ‘no’ would have been easier to say for you.” Phil jokes. Dan elbows his side, and Phil laughs lightly.

“Whatever,” he jokes. “This is the part when you’re supposed to tell me that you love me and you’re overly excited to get the fuck out of here.” Phil rolls his eyes, but tightens his grip on Dan’s waist, shuffling closer and pressing a quick kiss to the brunette’s cheek, still cautious about showing affection in the room full of cameras. At this point he didn’t care all too much, but didn’t want Dan to be made nervous by anything.

“Consider it said,” He says as he pulls away, stepping completely away from being pressed entirely to Dan’s side as he sees Collin approaching them both. He extends a hand for a handshake of sorts to Dan, offering him a solid smile.

“Good one, mate.” He nods. Dan shrugs.

“I try.”

“I was _so_ rooting for you guys. I still am.”

“Me too,” Dan smiles, shooting the grin in Phil’s direction for a second as well. “I just really hope that I didn’t dissapoint Jess too much.”

“You could always go up and talk to her once the cameras switch off,” He suggests. “Regardless, I’m certain she’ll be okay.” Collin dismisses with a wave of his hand.

“Yeah. Yeah we’ll probably go up and talk to her.”

“When do they formally kick you two out?” Collin asks. Dan hums in thought. It was currently around noon, so he supposed the network would probably allot them the rest of the day to pack their things up and catch their ride home.

“Probably this evening, yeah?”

“Likely,” Phil says. “We’ll come seek you out before we leave for a proper goodbye.”

“You better,” Collin jokes, pointing a finger. Phil laughs.

“I’m gonna go talk to Jess.” He says it more so to Dan than to Collin, but it’s an announcement to both of them he supposes.

Jess, currently mid dialogue with Luke, catches Phil’s eye as he approaches. Luke clearly notices her shift in gaze as he’s peeling away from her moments later, and Jess is already smiling warmly at him.

“Hey,” She greets. Phil moves to pull her in for a hug.

“Hi.” He smiles, laughing despite there being nothing to laugh at in order to fill the momentary silence.

“Thank you so much for coming here, Phil,” She smiles. “I really do hope you got something out of it.”

“I did,” Phil nods with an inhale of breath. He glances over at his shoulder at the familiar mop of brown hair across the room, laughing along brightly to something Collin said, face entirely lit up. He got more than just _something_ out of all of this. He got Dan. When he turns back to Jess, she’s smiling knowingly at him.

“I figured you might have,” She smiled. “I wasn’t sure until tonight, but I figured.”

“You knew?”

“About the two of you? Sort of,” She laughed. “It was so unlikely that I almost didn’t let myself believe it, you know? I figured I’d find out for sure tonight with that rose.”

“Yeah,” Phil laughed. “I barely believe it, and he’s _my boyfriend_.” A smile inches onto her face, Phil deciding to continue. “That’s only a recent development, too.”

“I can’t believe you guys were so sneaky. I wouldn’t have given- _offered_ either of you a rose had I known.”

“We weren’t even that sneaky. That’s the funny part,” Phil nearly giggles. “We were nearly _certain_ that you knew.” Jess just laughs.

“As I said, I had my suspicions.” She argues, shrugging slightly. “I’m happy for you two.”

“Anyone in particular you’ve got your sights on here?” Phil asks, raising his eyebrows. Jess hums, bringing a single finger to tap her lips in thought. This is what Phil liked about her. She was the kind of person you could have conversations like this with. She was a great person to have as a close friend.

“Maybe,” She says after a moment or two of thought. She purposely keeps the statement vague.

“C’mon, no details? No names?” Phil presses. Jess shakes her head again, a smile toying at her expression.

“Can’t say, no.” She answers. Phil sighs.

“Fine, I guess I’ll just make sure to watch the finale.”

“I’ll make sure to rewatch the _whole season_ just to see clips of you two attempting to sneak around in the background.” She says pointedly. Phil laughs at her joke just as he feels someone joining him at his side. It doesn’t take much of a glance to confirm that it’s Dan, as if he’d been summoned by the mere mention of him.

“Hey,” He greets softly. Jess smiles at him.

“Hi,” She answers. “I was just telling Phil that I _thought_ something might have been going on between you two, but I wasn’t sure.”

“Really?” Dan deadpans. “I’d be shocked if anyone in the room _couldn’t_ tell you that we’ve been constantly joined at the hip since we got here.”

“I guess I’m just dense.” She laughs.

“You and Phil both, then,” Dan retorts.

“You’re insufferable.”

“You love it.”

“You two are gross and soppy.” Jess rolls her eyes despite the grin. Dan and Phil match it. “In all seriousness I’m so happy for you both.”

“Thanks,” Dan exhales, looking to Phil happily.

“I’ll let you two get to packing and everything, yeah?” She says. “Take care. I’ll hopefully catch you on the way out.”

“Yeah,” Dan smiles moving in for another parting hug. Jess holds him tightly before withdrawing and holding him at arm's length before directing his attention to Phil, pulling him in for another hug too.

After a brief goodbye on each of their parts, Dan starts to retreat across the room. Phil steps to follow him, but his attention is caught when Jess tugs at his wrist.

“Hey Phil?” Jess asks. He turns.

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you found him.”

 

There’s a weird feeling in the air as Dan folds his clothes and tucks them neatly into his suitcase, finding stray socks littering the floor reminding him of all the nights he’d spent in this room (or in Phil’s). After the hours spent worrying in this room about why he’d come here in the first place, what he’d discovered about himself, what he was going to do about it, and how they’d make it out of this situation, he’d finally reached the end. He’d figured it out with Phil at his side, just the way he’d wanted it to go.

He’s just barely sorted through the t-shirts that he’d packed when he feels a familiar pair of arms wrap around his waist. He impulsively smiles.

“Can’t wait to get out of here, as nice as the memories are.” Phil mumbles, chin resting on his shoulder. His voice is deep from where Dan can hear it right next to his ear, and if anything he leans even further into the touch.

“Mm, me neither.”He responds. Phil presses a quick kiss to the curve of his jaw.

“Where do we go from here?” Phil asks, Dan turning in his arms so that their faces are inches apart. He rests his hands on Phil’s shoulder.

“We go home, and we figure it out from there,” Dan smiles. “Wanna know what I only just recently realized?”

“What?” Phil laughs.

“I don’t have your number. After the mess the past few weeks has been I never once asked for your number. You were always just down the hall.” Phil rolls his eyes at Dan’s observation.

“I told the producers we’d share a ride back to the train station. You can give me your number on the way.”

“Look at me, getting the number of a cute boy.” Dan mumbles slyly, slowly closing the gap between him and Phil.

“Dan from a few months ago would _never_.” Phil remarks. Dan scoffs fondly before connecting their lips for the first time that day, a gesture that feels extremely overdue. They don’t get too into it, knowing that they both still had to pack, but the kiss is soft and comforting enough that it leaves Dan’s chest warm and happy.

“I love you,” Dan says. “I really do.”

“Ditto.” Phil grins. Dan very nearly pushes him across the room. He opts for a light shove instead.

“You’re ridiculous. Go finish packing.” Dan answers, turning back to his own respective suitcase. He wonders how he’d originally fit so much into the suitcase upon arriving here, but then realized that he’d stolen at least two of Phil’s jumpers for the nights he’d inevitably have to spend falling asleep on his own now that the two of them weren’t living under the same roof and were headed home.

 _Home._ Now that was a concept that Dan hadn’t had the chance to properly dwell on yet. Holy shit. He was finally headed home.

“Alright. Come keep me company when you’re done. I haven’t even really started.”

“Of course you haven’t.” Dan rolls his eyes. Phil laughs as he heads back out.

“I love you too, by the way!” He calls from the hallway. Dan tries to tame the grin crawling onto his lips.

 

The sun is only starting to show the vaguest of signs of preparing to set by the time Dan and Phil have their suitcases in hand, waiting near the front door of the house they’d spent the last bit of their lives in. Phil can’t help but feel like he’s gonna miss the place, even when he knows that logically he totally won’t. He’ll probably end up missing the memories here, the negativity he’d encountered fading with time, the location only coming to represent Dan and everything they’d gone through together here.

He hopes Jess finds someone to love who’s just right for her, just like the way he’s found Dan. He really does.

They’re surprised when the majority of guys, even the ones they rarely spoke to, pop by to bid them farewell when word catches that their ride is almost here. Collin is among one of the last to wish them well, pulling both boys in for a hug. He parts with the simple promise of adding them both on Facebook. They both laugh.

Jess is the last to say goodbye. She thanks them again for the smiles, and for the story, and wishes them well. The wishes work both ways, and before they know it the cab is outside and they’re headed down the front walk, away from what had been their life for the past month or so. It feels odd to say the least. Phil hadn’t been sure they’d ever leave.

Their bags are in the back and their greetings with the driver are exchanged within a minute or two. As they begin to pull out of the long driveway, Dan watches the house fall farther and farther behind them, their new destination being the train station.

“That’s a weird sight,” Phil voices from beside him, clearly on the thought as Dan. It felt so odd to be leaving.

“Mm,” He hums in answer, turning away completely to look at Phil instead. The sun is just barely starting to move towards the horizon, and the light is shifting the sky to an amber sort of colour. It makes Phil’s skin glow ever so slightly. “We did that.”

Phil breaks the soft atmosphere and laughs, sitting back in his seat. “We did do that.”

“I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed.” Dan says, exaggerating a groan of pleasure at the very thought.

“I can’t wait to hug my mom again,” Phil responds. Dan smiles, but lets the pause grow.

“Do you think your mom would like me?” He asks after a moment or two. Phil almost looks baffled by the question.

“First of all, of course. Second of all, who wouldn’t like you?” He replies, hand sliding across the backseat to take Dan’s in his own.

“Believe it or not, it’s happened.” Dan chuckles. “D’ya really think so? You’re not just saying that?”

“Dan-” Phil starts. His expression is serious. “You’re intelligent, kind hearted, funny, sweet- I’m not just saying these things.” Dan’s expression softens. “Not to mention beautiful, though my mom’s opinion won’t be based on looks.”

“And yours is?” Dan teases. Phil rolls his eyes.

“No, but it’s certainly a bonus.” He quips, raising his eyebrows once or twice. “As if I’d complain about having a boyfriend with beautiful caramel eyes, a beautiful frame, and beautiful rumpled hair when he wakes up next to me in the morning.”

“You’re gross.” Dan laughs. He’s flushed slightly though, despite his words, and a bright smile is stretched across his face.

“And you’re beautiful.”

“Oh _shut up_ ,” Dan rolls his eyes. The smile doesn’t leave.

 

It’s fourty five minutes into the drive when Dan rests his head on Phil’s shoulder, eyes falling in fatigue after the day. Looking out the window had made him slightly sleepy. Phil had started feeling travel sick not too long before, and had quickly stopped focussing on the conversation and rather on feeling less like he was going to throw up everywhere.

Phil’s arm wound around Dan, fingers coming to rest around his waist, and it finally set in that Dan could properly breathe. Life was going back to normal. He was going home with a person that felt like home right at his side.

Phil wasn’t coming home with him though. From their previous conversations, Phil lived about a fourty minute train ride away from him, which was fourty five minutes too far away in Dan’s opinion. He wondered how hard the adjust would be without the older there in person with him 24 hours a day.

He was slightly curious as to how the two of them were going to approach this situation. Should he come out to his family the instant he got home? He’d say something along the lines of “Hi, I ventured off to a show to compete for a girl and came back with a boyfriend, how have you guys been?” As if. He’d probably wait until Phil came to visit so he could tell them with some moral support. Plus, their reaction wouldn’t be too negative if they had a guest over if worse came to worse.

Dan doesn’t entirely know where they stand on the whole ‘sexuality’ fiasco. All he knows is that his parents aren’t entirely liberal. They’re not die hard conservatives either, though, and they’d never really talked about it, so Dan was extremely paranoid about the whole ordeal.

On one hand, the worst thing that could happen is that his parents kick him out. He was planning to move out soon anyway, and actually had money saved away for after he came back from ‘The Bachelorette’ filming to do something with his life. (He hadn’t expected to win going into the competition, honestly.) He could just move in with Phil if his parents didn’t like the new news, and hopefully that was something the other wouldn’t mind.

On the other hand, who wouldn’t love Phil? Phil’s likely the sweetest and most likeable person to ever walk the face of the earth. He could singlehandedly save the human race with his smile, too, so his parents were bound to like him.

His brother would probably like him too, but would never outwardly admit it. All Phil had to do was play a few video games with him and he was likely guaranteed to be liked.

Thinking of Phil with his family was a thought that just _fit_ into Dan’s brain perfectly. He could see Phil slotting into his life so perfectly that it was almost weird. Now all he had to do was make his thoughts a reality, and it was strange to think that this task was already coming along nicely.

He sighs, his chest rising and falling slightly against where it’s resting against Phil’s shoulder. He feels Phil move to rest his head on top of Dan’s, thumb brushing over his knuckles where their hands are still intertwined. They don’t say anything to spark another conversation, but they don’t have to. Unspoken words are just as powerful as the ones that are spoken.

 

It’s nearing seven in the evening by the time the car finally pulls up to the train station, and it’s far too soon in both of their minds. The train station means that they finally have to part ways, at least for a little while, and neither of them want that.

Phil needs to nudge Dan’s arm a little to stir him from the hair sleep he’d fallen into. He groans albeit sadly, assuming that the wake up call meant that they’d arrived.

“Come on,” Phil urges quietly, thanking the driver. The ride had been paid for by the network, so all that’s left to do is grab their bags from the back and force Dan from where he’d comfily fallen to rest.

The wheels of their bags click along the pavement as they head inside, still not filling the air with conversation. Instead, they check departure times. Dan’s train, headed south, was supposed to head out in fifteen minutes, whereas Phil still had a half an hour wait.

“Walk me over?” Dan had asked. Phil had smiled sweetly at him and had linked their hands.

“Of course. I’ll be soaking in the seconds.” He reassures, pressing the quickest of kisses to Dan’s jaw. It’s weird not to have to hide, but Dan can’t say he’s not a fan. He teasingly pushes Phil away anyway, though, keeping their hands intertwined as he does so.

“Sappy.”

“You’ll miss me.” Phil retorts, sticking a tongue out. Dan rolls his eyes, despite the words being entirely true.

“A little bit too much, maybe.” Dan sighs.

“Time’ll fly,” Phil answers, though his words don’t sound as convincing as he would have liked them too. “Plus, I’m just a text or a call away, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Dan resigns. “I’ll just miss having you there in person all day every day.”

“Me too,” Phil smiles sadly. “But we’re gonna be fine. It’ll be good to be with our families and away from that house, even if we kinda miss it for a few days.”

“I suppose,” Dan replies, because Phil, like always, is entirely right. Phil, sensing how apprehensive he is, stops their walking and pulls Dan around so they’re facing each other. Dan slowly lifts his eyes to meet Phil’s, trying not to look as sad about leaving Phil’s side as he feels, and Phil doesn’t hesitate before connecting their lips forcefully. So much determination and emotion pours into the few seconds that they stay connected that Dan forgets about the sinking feeling in his chest for a moment or two.

“I love you. I will never be far, okay?”

“I know.” Dan answers truthfully, because he does, and Phil is way too good for him. He’s never been more sure of something.

 

The fifteen minutes pass way faster than either of them would have liked to admit. Phil was really trying to hold them together, because although Dan was visibly dreading his departure, Phil was trying not to show it himself. He was  trying to help Dan along, which would in turn help himself, but the task was becoming increasingly more difficult the more and more time that passed.

The clock hitting 7:20pm was when Dan let out a defeated sigh. His train would be pulling up any minute now.

“Text me when you get home,” He tells Phil, and Phil nods.

“It’s so odd to think I’ve never texted you,” Phil laughs. “We’re such fake millennials.”

“Kids these days. All attracted to their phones.” Dan waves his hand dismissively. Phil laughs.

“I wouldn’t go as far as saying attracted.”

“How very Generation X of you to say,” Dan retorts. Phil rolls his eyes.

“I do not support attraction to cell phones.” He replied sternly. Dan pouts.

“When you finna nut but no one wants to help with your kink.” He says, dramatically setting his gaze downcast on the floor. Phil knocks their shoulders together, try not to snort in laughter, ready to chastise Dan for his words when he starts to hear the train pulling towards the stop.

“What a very ‘us’ way to end a conversation,” Phil says instead. Dan chuckles.

“We’re not ending it. More just putting it on pause.”

“Right,” Phil replies. Drawing Dan in for a hug and holding him close, if only for a few seconds. Dan turns his head and presses a quick kiss to the corner of Phil’s lips.

“I’ll see you soon.” He says. Phil nods as he draws back.

“Always.” Phil answers. Dan smiles at him before turning and watching the train come to a complete stop.

“Tell your mum I say hey,” Dan waves, backing towards the now open doors.

“Will do. It won’t be long before you can tell her in person, too.”

“Can’t wait.” Dan smiles.

“Have a good ride home, yeah?” Dan nods, a smile finding his face.

“I love you, too.” He says.

The doors beep, alerting them both that they’d be soon closing. Dan is quick to scamper into the train car, waving at Phil through the closing doors. Phil waves right back, and keeps the smile plastered to his face until he watches Dan pull away. Even then, when Dan is out of sight, it doesn’t go far. After all, Dan’s always with him, no matter where they are or what strange circumstances they have to put themselves through to be there for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. wow. one chapter left. you can all keep an eye out for that update coming atcha early into the new year.  
> thank you guys for sticking with me, and thank you for 18k reads! crazy.  
> you can find me @torontohowell on twitter, as usual. (i'm nearly at 1k followers?? ok???) come say hey and lemme know whatcha think and all that jazz. i hope you have an awesome rest of the week, and happy early new year! :) thank goodness we're leaving 2016 in the past.  
> [rebloggable sidetracked post](http://phanimist.tumblr.com/post/152657449800/sidetracked)  
> [if you're enjoying the story, nominate sidetracked for a phanfic award by clicking here???](http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/post/152594158882/phanfic-awards-2016-nominations)


	20. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somehow ‘Sidetracked’ was nominated for best fic, best au, best storyline, best chaptered, and the edge of the seat award in the phanfic awards? i was also nominated for best author? thank you so much? i’ll put the voting links at the end of this author’s note if ya wanna vote or anything. you don’t even have to vote for me tbh like holy crap some of the fics in there are so? good? 
> 
> anywho, whether i win any of those or not doesn’t really mean anything to me, to you, to the universe, so win or lose i feel like i just conquered the whole world with the nominations alone. i’m glad so many of you enjoyed this silly little story that accidentally ended up having a higher word count than harry potter and the chamber of secrets.
> 
> i feel like it makes sense to draw this fic to a close with a sunday update. i didn't think i had it in me, tbh, but somehow i finished writing a chaptered fic. whether you've been reading for a week, four months since the very beginning, or you started after this goes up, thank you for having faith in my writing. i dunno. that means a lot.

**To: Phil** Sent 8:53am

_ i think we need milk. can u buy milk _

 

**To: Phil** Sent 8:54am

_ phil? _

 

**To: Phil** Sent 8:56am

_ i know you’re in the room over. on ur phone. don’t be like this. _

 

**To: Phil** Sent 8:56am

_ u love me right _

 

**To: Dan** Sent 8:56am

_ i’ll go buy milk _

 

“Come with me,” Phil calls, presumably on his way to the front door. He makes a stop by the lounge, peeking in at Dan’s form, sprawled across the couch. Dan pouts at him, but Phil just gives him a look. “Don’t be like this.” He repeats Dan’s words from his texts, and Dan just rolls his eyes.

“Fine.” He sighs. Phil smiles, and doesn’t wait for him before heading downstairs towards the front door of their apartment.

It had been a few months since they got home from the filming of the show. Though they’d tried living on their own for two of those months, it had just felt _ off _ to both of them. Dan was either spending weekends at Phil’s flat, or they were taking routinely train rides to meet in the middle at some cafe in London in order to spend some time together.

Phil loved the cafe dates they so often went on, feet overlapping beneath the table, drawing on the window plagued with condensation, and attempting to talk in somewhat controlled voices as not to disturb the people around them. They’d wandered around town to see if they could find another date-worthy location, but they’d both decided that they liked the small cafe so much more. It just felt more suited to them than a busy restaurant or a bowling alley.

They missed each other even if they spoke every day over text, on the phone, or over skype. After building their relationship while constantly at the other’s side, it just felt wrong not to have the other there with them.

Dan remembers the day Phil asked him to move in very vividly. He’d been spending the weekend down at Phil’s. It had been on the Saturday night, the two of them curled up on the couch, Dan on his computer and Phil answering emails of his own.

_ “Hey Dan?”  _ He’d said, eyes still trained on the screen.

_ “Mmm?”  _ Dan answered.

_ “D’ya maybe wanna move in with me?” _

Dan’s gaze immediately snapped up from his laptop, a hopeful expression on his face.  _ “Really?” _

_ “Yeah.”  _ Phil said, a grin crawling onto his features at Dan’s enthusiasm.  _ “I mean, you’re either here or we’re planning your next visit. Plus, I miss seeing you every day.” _

Dan wiped his overly excited expression off of his face, clearing his throat and looking back to his computer screen, shifting in his seat.

_ “I mean, yeah, sure. Whatever.” _ He said in an obviously fake tone of voice. Phil had scoffed.

They’d moved in together just last month when the weather turned cold and January had fallen upon them. The arrangement is much better for both of them for many reasons, a few being that Phil now has someone to split the rent with and they both have someone around to keep them warm through the winter.

They’re pulling their boots and coats on, ready to head out to the store together to buy some much needed milk, when Phil speaks up.

“Do you want to come North with me this weekend to visit my parents?” He asks. Dan looks up briefly, but ultimately nods. “Mum’s invited the grandparents up, too. She told me I was more than welcome to bring you along.”

Dan had yet to meet Phil’s family, surprisingly, because they lived up in the more northern part of England. Phil had gone to visit over Christmas, but Dan had been with his own family.

In retrospect, he shouldn’t be worried. Phil’s family already knew that Phil had a boyfriend named Dan. They already knew that Phil was happy, and was living with him, and was happily settled. Still, there was a part of his brain that worried. When was there not?

When Phil had met his mother a month or so back, Dan couldn’t have seen it going better than the way it did.

She’d been helping him unpack when he’d moved in with Phil, carrying boxes up the stairs, when she’d rounded a corner in their front entryway and had nearly run straight into Phil. Dan remembers watching from the doorway. After brief laughter on both of their parts, Phil and Dan’s mum were quick to straighten out.

_ “You must be Dan’s friend,” _ His mum had smiled. Phil nodded with a smile of his own, and had shot Dan a quick look over his mother’s shoulder. He was well aware of Dan’s longstanding worry about coming out to her, despite the fact that she was likely fine with it all. Dan had taken a deep breath, and as it turned out, the words didn’t end up being all that hard to say after all.

_ “That’s Dan’s  _ boy _ friend, actually.” _ Dan had corrected, in third person, quietly from behind her, stepping forwards and out of the door frame towards Phil’s side. His mother was somewhat surprise, but the brief expression was quick to be wiped away, replaced by a kind, pleasant smile. As Dan settled at Phil’s side after traversing the small room, Phil looped an arm around Dan’s waist, gently pulling him half a step closer.

_ “I’m Phil,” _ Phil smiled.  _ “It’s nice to meet you.” _

_ “Likewise,” _ Dan’s mum smiled. It was a genuine smile that met her eyes. Dan knew what her fake, strained smile looked like, and this wasn’t it. The sight brought a smile of his own to his face.  _ “I’d noticed that Dan appeared a lot happier this past little while since he’s come home from the show. It’s nice to meet the mastermind behind all the positivity.” _

_ “Yeah, he’s to blame.”  _ Dan says, rolling his eyes and shooting Phil a fond sideways look. Phil’s grinning too. His mum shot them both a happy look.

_ “I’m gonna go get another box from downstairs,” _ She announced, shooting them one last smile before retreating back into the hallway. Phil then turned to fully face Dan.

_ “She took it well.” _ He remarked brightly, nudging Dan’s shoulder slightly. Dan smiled somewhat bashfully.

_ “Yeah,” _ He replied quietly. He paused momentarily.  _ “Thank you.”  _ Phil kisses the corner of his mouth.

_ “For what? That was all you.” _

_ “Thank you in general, I guess.” _ Dan replies.  _ “Your existence merits a thank you, I think.” _ Phil smiles at him, and they share a happy look between them for a few elongated moments.

_ “The so called ‘mastermind’ behind all your positivity really loves you, you know.”  _ He pokes. Dan retreats from his side with a playful shove.

_ “Shut up. I take it back.”  _ He grins. Phil rolls his eyes, but he’s grinning too, and together they set off downstairs to go bring another one of Dan’s boxes up.

He still had to tell his mother that he met Phil while filming ‘The Bachelorette’, but that was a conversation for another day.

 

“I think that’d be nice,” Dan answers truthfully, regarding going north for the weekend with Phil. He’s nervous-excited to meet Phil’s family, honestly. He’s heard amazing things about them, but there’s always the small part of him that can only hope that they’ll like him, a worry that Phil constantly dismisses and tells him he’s ridiculous for.

Once he’s done tying his boots and zipping up his coat, he looks up, and Phil’s already giving him a knowing look as if reading Dan’s mind.

“But…” He prompts, as if knowing that there was a 'but'. Dan rolls his eyes.

“ _ But _ I really do want them to like me, and I’m not certain they will. We’ve been over this.”

“Dan. They’ve heard so much about you over the past few months. She practically already knows you with all the great things I’ve been spewing about you.”

“Yeah yeah.” Dan sighs. They’ve had this conversation more times than he can count. He opens the door and beckons for Phil to follow him out and down the stairs.

They don’t bother to drive, despite the fact that they own a car. The store is only a handful of blocks away, and the cold doesn’t bite too much today, so they’re content to walk.

Their season of the Bachelorette is just airing now, the editors needing time to edit and organize a good plot line to follow in the episodes before they got published, so Dan and Phil do have to be wary of being recognized. It’s very unlikely, but it has happened, and Dan suspects it will happen even more towards their elimination scenes with all the drama the network probably milked out of their footage. It doesn’t bother either of of them very much, but Dan keeps an eye out for lingering eyes as they walk down the street regardless.

“Do we need anything other than milk?” Phil asks.

“Probably bread or something.”

“‘Bread or something’ it is.” Phil declares as he reaches the store, holding the door open wide and grandly for Dan to enter. Dan smiles fondly at him as he does so.

“Do we need to make something to bring to your parents when we go up?” Dan asks. Phil shrugs.

“We don’t need to, but we could. Do you want to?”

“I feel like it might get me some brownie points.” Dan says.

“You don’t need them.” Phil retorts in a sing-song like voice. Dan just rolls his eyes. “What do we make then? Brownies?”

“Maximize the ‘brownie’ aspect of ‘brownie points’.” Dan nods. Phil laughs lightly.

Their trip to the store ends with little error. Phil didn’t knock any displays over, and Dan didn’t say anything stupid to anyone, so it was a win.

They spend the night packing, because it’s Thursday, and they likely won’t make the brownies at all unless they do it tonight.

“Is it three or four cups of flour?” Dan asks, squinting at the recipe across the room like he could possibly make it out from where he was standing. Phil glances over.

“Three.” He answers. Dan frowns, dumping the extra cup of flour he’d poured back into the bag. Most of it misses, and Dan just groans. Phil laughs at him. “Nice one.” He says. Dan pouts.

The baking, overall, isn’t a disaster. They get a little distracted while the brownies are in the oven, though. When the timer finally beeps alerting them that their time baking is up, Dan’s got flour in his hair and a handprint of flour on his ass, deeply contrasting his black skinny jeans. Phil doesn’t have the heart to tell him, choosing to admire it instead. At least that spilled flour had been some use.

When they’re both getting ready for bed and Dan’s changing into his pyjama pants, he only then catches sight of the print. He only looks up at a guilty but giggling Phil, and shoots him what’s supposed to be a condescending look. He can’t help the smile that obviously crawls onto his lips.

“You’re the worst.” Dan says. Phil flicks his eyebrows up.

“Maybe, possibly.” He smiled, pressing a quick kiss to Dan’s jaw as he leaves the room. Dan shakes his head fondly despite it all.

 

They’re staying the whole weekend up North. Both of them have a bag packed, slung over their backs, and Dan’s holding the tupperware container of brownies balanced under an arm. It’s when they’re loading the car that Dan sighs, and Phil immediately knows that despite not mentioning it for the past day or so, Dan’s still slightly worried.

“I don’t want to hear it this time,” says Phil before Dan opens his mouth. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“I-”

Phil shoots him a look. Dan closes his mouth and slips into the passenger’s side of the car, placing the brownies carefully on the backseat.

“Make sure those don’t fall off, eh?” Phil remarks, gesturing to the brownies on the backseat. Dan waves his concern away, buckling his seatbelt as  Phil slips into the car himself.

“Just smile a lot, and hug her when you first go in.” says Phil. It takes Dan a moment to understand what he’s talking about. “Be your usual, smiley, charming self, and there’s literally no way she couldn’t not like you. I’m being serious.”

A small smile inches its way onto Dan’s face. “Alright,” He says softly. “I’ll try my best.”

“You won’t even have to try. It’ll come naturally.”

Dan offers a quiet laugh and shakes his head ever so slightly as Phil pulls out of the parking for their apartment complex and onto the road, headed north. Dan settles against the window on a propped up arm and makes himself comfortable. In his peripheral, he can see the road ahead and Phil’s focused expression.

If you had told the Dan from five months ago that this is where he’d be now, headed up North to visit his boyfriend’s family, he would have laughed, maybe offered a ‘yeah right’ or something. Now, it’s like life before Phil was a blur. He just seemed to accentuate the good things in life, whether that be in everyday activities like heading to the store or while in a household full of guys all trying to compete for one girl.

Well, as it turns out, they weren’t  _ all _ trying to compete for the girl.

They barely talk about ‘The Bachelorette’ house, as if it were a dream. Looking back on it logically, it certainly doesn’t seem like it could be real. Meeting the love of your life on a gameshow to essentially marry a girl? Yeah, right. Every now and then it’ll come up in conversation, with topics such as ‘Did you follow Collin back on instagram?’ and ‘I wonder how Jess likes her morning coffee’. (They ended up having a five minute discussion about her morning coffee. Based on her personality, Dan had offered that he thought she’d drink decaf, but that’s just a guess.)

Despite it all, they were both thankful for the show. It brought them together after all. Without it, Dan wouldn’t be here, staring at the side of his boyfriend’s concentrated face as he drives them to his childhood home to stay with his parents.

Dan’s got an inkling of a smile on his face as he dozes off, the sound of tires on pavement and passing cars lulling him to sleep.

Dan wakes about ten minutes from their destination, surprised by how long he slept. He wakes with a quiet groan, rubbing at his eyes as he turns to Phil. Phil’s watching him in the mirror with a fond sort of expression.

“Are we there yet?” He mumbles. Phil chuckles.

“Ten minutes.”

“You should have woken me,” Dan says, properly sitting up in his seat. “The drive must have been boring.”

“Your good looks and charm would have distracted me from the road. It’s probably best that you were sleeping.” Phil muses, sparing a moment to reach over and ruffle Dan’s hair affectionately. Dan groans and immediately goes to fix it in the mirror, noticing what a mess it was.

“I’m going to meet your family looking like I woke up from a twenty year nap.” He pouts. Phil laughs.

“It’s endearing.”

“It’s not the impression I want to make.”

“What impression are you going for?”

“I’m going for ‘Hey, your son is dating me and I really like him so I’d appreciate it if you thought highly of me’.” Dan says, seemingly pleased with how his hair was looking. “It’ll do.” He mumbles at his own reflection. Phil’s shaking his head. He doesn’t try arguing with Dan.

It’s when they pull into Phil’s family’s house’s driveway that Dan exhales sharply again. This time, as soon as the car is in park, Phil’s turned to completely face Dan.

“They’re going to absolutely love you.” He says. Dan opens his mouth to reply, but is cut off by the pressure of Phil’s lips on his own. Phil’s touch is determined and caring, and for a moment, Dan wholeheartedly believes the words just spoken.

They walk up towards the walk hand in hand, Phil’s thumb moving back and forth reassuringly on the flat of Dan’s palm. He knows Dan’s tendency to overthink things all too well by now, and though he can’t stop it, he likes to try and take some of the pressure and stress off of him using comfort.

Phil’s mom opens the door before they even knock. She doesn’t even greet Phil first.

“You must be Dan,” She beams. Dan immediately cracks a wide smile, seeming to be instantly reassured. Phil moves in to hug his mother first. “Good to see you.” She mumbles into his shoulder. “He’s cute.” She continues, voice quieter. Phil laughs, shaking his head.

“I know.” He replies. Dan quirks an eyebrow, apparently not having heard his mother’s whispered words.

“Nice to meet you,” Dan beams, stepping forward. Phil’s mother immediately moves to hug him, taking Dan off guard. He laughs as he somewhat stumbles into her embrace.

“No need for that handshaking formality stuff. You’re practically a part of the family.” She waves once they’ve broken apart. “I’m glad I get to finally meet you. Phil’s told us so much.”

“Positive things, I hope.” Dan replies, reconnecting their hands at his side after having the embrace been previously broken by hugs. Phil rolls his eyes.

“Of course. He never shut up about you over Christmas, don’t worry love.”

“That’s enough, mum.” Phil laughs, stepping forwards into the house and tugging Dan along with him, their bags trailing them pulled by their free hands respectively.

They’re told to meet the rest of the family in the living room once they’ve properly settled upstairs. They were offered the guest room, but the bed is big enough in Phil’s old room that they can both sleep in it, the thinks, so they opt to go there.

As soon as they step into the room, Dan is overcome with the need to observe everything within the confines of the walls with a great amount of attention to detail. Something about the fact that Phil grew up here resonated with him. He rushes over to the bookshelf, and his hands settle on a framed picture of a grade school Phil. He practically gasps.

“Look how little you were!” He exclaims. Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s waist from behind and settles a chin on his shoulder. “And you had red hair!” He observes, twisting in Phil’s arms to briefly meet his eyes.

“You knew that I had red hair.” He muses.

“Yeah, but I had no proof until now.” He says, setting the picture back down onto the shelf.  “You were so cute back then. What happened?”

Phil scoffs, feigning offense, and pushes away from Dan’s side. “Remind me again why I put up with you?”

“I wonder everyday,” Dan muses, fingers trailing along the spines of the books before him. Phil sighs.

Being in his childhood home with Dan made him want to start planning their long term future together right this second, but he refrained from bringing it up with Dan. It hadn’t even been a year yet, for crying out loud, but whenever he looked over at Dan, eyes lit up with fascination as he caught a glimpse of what Phil’s childhood was like, he was reminded yet again of how much love he had for the brunette. He could see the both of them buying a house just outside of the busy city with a backyard and room to grow, building a family and adopting a dog. He could almost reach out and touch the vivid fantasy, but he pushed it to the side for now. Phil didn’t see their time together drawing to a close anytime soon.

 

“How did you two meet again?” Phil’s grandmother asks inquisitively. “Cath told me once, but I don’t quite recall.”

Phil tightens his arm around Dan’s waist as he thinks back to the story. They’re currently curled up on the couch, sharing the space with the entirety of his family, parents and grandparents and all. Dan subconsciously taps rhythmically on Phil’s knee where his fingers rest.

His grandparents, particularly his grandma, had obviously taken an instant liking to Dan. He was polite, somewhat quiet when it came to newer people, and he was the textbook definition of ‘charming’. Even sat down now, curled into Phil’s side and looking very warm and comfortable where he was, he was obviously putting so much effort forwards to show that he was listening and interested to stories that Phil’s family was sharing. Even Phil found himself zoning out every now and then, but Dan’s attention didn’t once falter.

“Do you remember the show ‘The Bachelorette’?” says Phil, ready to explain. His grandmother nods, along with his grandfather who also seems to be closely paying attention.

“Yes, I believe so.” She replies.

“Dan was another contestant,” He explains. “And neither of us really saw Jess, the girl on the show, as ‘our type’ so to speak.”

“Ah, so you ditched the lass for the lad, eh?” Phil’s grandpa remarks. Dan suppresses a laugh.

“To summarize.” He answers. Phil rolls his eyes. “I’m glad Phil didn’t like her either.”

“I liked her! Just not like that.” He defends. “She’s nice and all. Did you end up adding her back on Facebook?”

“Shi- I mean, crap, I didn’t.” Dan says hastily, covering his own tracks to avoid swearing. “Remind me to do that later.”

Jess had happily gotten together with Luke at the end of the show’s filming. Neither Dan nor Phil had been particularly close to him, nor had they really gone to lengths to befriend him, but Jess had always appeared incredibly happy to be around him from what they’d seen. They’d heard the news from Collin, who’d sent them a message after failing to get the final rose in the finale.

“The show’s airing now,” Phil’s mother inputs, returning to the room after refilling the plate of snacks. "I can usually catch the episodes as they air."

“Yeah, we watched one of the more recent episodes, but the show’s pretty dry to be honest. Even if we were on it.” Dan replies.

Phil’s mom offers a laugh at that. “You don’t even watch your own parts back?”

“Sometimes. I repeatedly tease Dan about how infatuated he looked right from the start.”

“Infatuated with you?” Dan asks, laughing. Phil nods, equally amused. “You can’t tease me about that. You couldn't even tell at the time, and couldn’t figure out for the life of you that I liked you back.  _ I _ was the one who had to make the first move.”

“Oh, you absolutely  _ had to _ , did you?”

“Well you sure as hell weren’t gonna do it,” Dan counters. Phil swats his arm.

“We made it really obvious towards the end, eh?” Phil says. “I don’t know whether they’re going to edit our parts out towards the last episodes, or whether they’re gonna milk the drama out of our relationship.”

“Probably the latter,” Dan says. “Who doesn’t love a good romantic plot?”

There’s a brief pause in their discussion.

“I don’t know how neither of us acted sooner.” says Phil.

“What do you mean?” asks Phil’s mom.

“In the early episodes it’s so obvious how much we clung to each other’s sides, even when we thought we were going for Jess.” Dan fills in. “Like, we didn’t even realize.”

Dan remembers watching the particular scene when he’d first walked in on the very first day, and how it hadn’t even taken a minute for their glances to intercept. It was instantaneous, as if somehow they’d known subconsciously right from the start.

“I-” Phil’s grandfather starts, seeming to gather the words. “I find it so strange that you- You went on a show to find a girl, and the show ended up having an entirely different purpose to you. That’s very interesting.”

“What do you mean?” Phil asks. “I went on ‘The Bachelorette’ in the first place to find love, didn’t I?” He turns to Dan, who’s face is just inches away from his own and resting on his shoulder comfortably. He feels so warm at Phil’s side that he’d be content to lay here for hours upon hours. No matter where they are, he feels content and comfortable with Dan at his side. He feels like home, and if that’s not love, Phil doesn’t know what would be. “I ended up doing just that.”

 

That night, when they finally slink up the stairs towards Phil’s old room, Dan feels light and airy. It’s not fatigue by any means, but he feels soft and warm inside. It’s probably Phil causing him to feel this way. Being surrounded by the people who made Phil who he is, by the home he grew up in, by things so familiar to the person he’s closest to, has made him ache to show Phil into his own family and former way of life. His family might not interact in the same way that Phil’s does, with all dialogue warm and attentive, with intentions to hear everyone’s stories clearly and concisely, but it’s still his family. It’s still what he grew up with, and what made him the person he is.

He feels like he understands Phil further after getting to know his family a little bit. He wants to share that same feeling with Phil.

When they make it past the doorframe of his room, Dan is quick to lean over and kiss Phil softly and patiently, like trying to convey his desire to share his life with Phil. Phil welcomes it, melting under the touch while his fingers lift to card through Dan’s hair, brown locks now curling at the ends. Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s neck trying to bring him physically closer, fingers tugging at some of the shorter strands of hair at the back of his head.

“They love you,” Phil observes, withdrawing just enough to let the words slip past his lips. Dan wants the gap closed again as soon as he does so. “I told you.”

“I-,” Dan stops, dropping his head onto Phil’s shoulder to stare down at the almost non existent space between them. “I really love your family. The way they talk to each other, and the way they immediately made an effort to make me feel like I was a part of it.”

“You _ are _ a part of it,” Phil smiles, ghosting his lips slowly across Dan’s temple. “You’re a part of me.”

Dan lifts his head again, his nose brushing the tip of Phil’s lightly as he looks up again to fully meet his eye.

He really felt like he belonged to something the more he focused on the emotions bubbling away in his chest. He feels like he belongs in this family, belongs with Phil, belongs in the space he’s occupying.

After a few more minutes of lazy kisses, they start to make their way into bed, crawling beneath the sheets once they’re changed out of the day’s clothes.

Laying under the warm comforter, protected from the harsh winds that could be heard rushing past the window outside in the newfound silence of the room, Dan realizes that he feels more like he belongs to himself now, too. He feels more like himself when he’s got Phil to show him.

Tonight, they’re not sharing a room in a shitty ass house on the set of ‘The Bachelorette’, building filled with guys chasing something neither of them wanted. They’re not going to have to wake up in the morning and pretend to be something they’re not. They won’t worry about faking smiles or keeping distance between their hands that ache to lock. They can be themselves.

Phil uses the arm closest to Dan’s side to pull his boyfriend closer, Dan immediately shifting to tuck his head away under Phil’s chin. If he focuses, he can feel the steady heartbeat beneath him, thudding away comfortingly in Phil’s chest. It sounds like home to him, and it’s to this sound that he falls asleep.

Phil lets out a comfortable breath, the exhale ghosting along the runaway strands of hair on top of Dan’s head. He opens and closes his palm, dragging his fingers across the warm skin of Dan’s lower back, and he feels happy. 

He couldn’t be more grateful for the paths he took to get here. He can’t imagine living a life without this.

Phil slips into sleep with warmth in his chest, and the sound of calm breaths at his side. The clock on his bedside table ticks away rhythmically, filling the room with an ounce of noise, but if anything the sound is the thing to completely pull Phil under and into sleep. It reminds him that no matter where they go, or what they have to go through in the future, their time together isn’t ticking away. It won’t be running out anytime soon. Where before it might have felt like each day was a set to a timer on it’s own, it feels far from that now.

Now, they have all the time they could ever want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s ever clicked on, left a comment, or given a kudos to this story. Though just numbers, you’ve helped my confidence grow a whole lot as a writer as I was publishing chapter after chapter of a story I wasn’t too confident about to start. 
> 
> Big thanks to Kirsten, because this story would honestly have randomly dropped after chapter fourteen had I not had your help, reassurement, and kind words. I am thankful to call you a friend of mine every day. You are beyond talented and extremely kind and I’m very glad that you found my story those few months ago when it was first starting out and immediately had faith in it. 
> 
> Also sending a shoutout to my pals (including but not limited to) Lan, Rishi, Courtney, Yanlin, Kay, Becca, Shirley, Ava, Kristy, Syd, Abby, Amber, Jay, Addie, Po, and El. Thanks for being your general, fun-to-talk-to selves. Whether you gave me little, needed bits of plot help, made me laugh, sent me screenshots of typos in the story when you found them, or anything in between, I appreciate you all a great deal. Thank you for putting up with my awful habit of never answering DMs. I really should get better at that.
> 
> I know that a few of you were asking in the comments, but I’m not gonna write a sequel to Sidetracked. I arranged the plot so that it would end, not to segway into another story.  
> I’m obviously gonna continue to write one shots that I’ll post here and on tumblr[(x)](http://phanimist.tumblr.com/tagged/my%20fics), but I think I’m gonna give it a rest on the whole chaptered fics front for a while. This one was like raising a child, honestly, and I was about ready for it to be over. I’ll probably end up posting plot twists that got scraped and things like that over on twitter too (@torontohowell) if you want to see things like that. 
> 
> It’s so strange to finally say that I’ve finished the fic. I did that. Somehow I wrote 5k words on average per week? For like, three months?? Please please let me know what you thought of it by leaving a comment or by sending me an ask on tumblr (@phanimist). It would mean the world.
> 
> Thank you again for giving me your kind words, encouragement, and confidence. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it. 
> 
>  
> 
> [rebloggable version of sidetracked](http://phanimist.tumblr.com/post/152657449800/sidetracked)
> 
>  
> 
> *** edit:
> 
> i ended up winning the awards for best of the best au and best storyline? and got 2nd for the edge of the seat award??? crazy. thank youuuu xxx


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